} From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
} Date: Thu, 6 Jun 2002 13:37:18 -0400
"Only 40k", he says. -_-
} The staccato tapping of Kachiko Tendou's fingertips playing across the wood
} of the dining room table filled the air. The gentle taps lightly echoed in
} the room. She sat lackadaisically, slouching slightly, giving an air of
} lassitude that was only contradicted by the half-lidded, and highly
} suspicious, stare that was directed towards the two girls seated on the
} opposite side of the table.
Maybe "projecting an air"? "Giving" sounds wrong to me.
} Then all four fingers struck the table at once and remained there, signaling
} an end to the waiting. A soft whoosh of air was exhaled, and Kachiko's
} posture straightened slightly. "So let me get this straight, you somehow got
} this wish granting ability?" she pointed to Akane, "You wished your mother
} hadn't been in a car accident which killed her. A noble sentiment, I
} suppose. However the result of this wish was that I get plucked out of time
} and thrown over twenty years into the future, where I get to meet the two of
} you, who it just so happens, are my children, one of which is older than I
} am now."
"let me get this straight. You somehow got" (or a colon,
possibly.)
"However, the result"
} "Sure you can. Why, this place is teeming with signs that it's the future,"
} Kachiko said dramatically, rising to her feet and entering the kitchen. She
} gazed in awe at her surroundings. "Look at all this futuristic equipment.
} Ohh, a microwave. And what's that? Why it's a stove. Obviously the design
} must be good, since it looks exactly like the same one that's been here
} since before World War II. And is that... could it be... oh my god! It's an
} object that produces cold so that food will last longer. It must be what
} sci-fi writers call a refrigerator! I am in the future! Oh my!" Her eyes
} rolled into the back of her head, and she gave a soft cry before sagging to
} the floor.
}
} "I don't remember Mother being quite this sarcastic," Kasumi quietly
} confided to Akane.
Ha!
I deleted the Wacky Wakaba passage, because it was too
long, but... good god, that was inspired.
And boy, do I hope she makes an appearance. ;)
} "Oh yes, it's all so very different now in the future," Kachiko said
} blandly, leaving the television on.
Heh, again.
} Kachiko fingered her shortened locks. "Nope, this is all the longer I like
} it.
Err, some phrasing problems here.
} Kasumi said, "You look better with a soft smile."
}
} "You look like a demented hyena," Akane agreed.
Heh.
} For a moment, Akane was worried the girl might hit her, then Kachiko's eyes
} alighted on something that grabbed her complete attention. "Ah ha! An
} oversight on your part." She walked over to a side table and picked up a
} folded over newspaper. "Let's check out the date on this little thing." She
} unfolded the paper and came to the front page. Her eyes scanned over it. A
} second later, the paper made a crinkling sound as it was wadded into a very
} small ball and hurled into the garbage can with considerable force. "It's
} easy to make fake newspapers. I've seen them before. They're certainly be a
} lot easier to make than the television trick."
Suggest, "It'd certainly be a lot easier than the television trick."
} The time lost girl's footsteps were confident as she hurried in a familiar
} direction. She knew damn well where she had to go to get to the bottom of
} matters. Sakura was the one person in the world Kachiko would trust with her
} life, and more importantly, she had no tolerance for Wakaba's pranks. The
} idea that she would was as alien as Kachiko giving up martial arts. It would
} be a simple matter to visit the best friend she ever had and hear from her
} mouth how this whole thing was an elaborate hoax and boy would Wakaba pay
} for going way over the bounds this time. Bombs and aphrodisiacs were one
} thing, but playing with a poor young girl's mind was quite another.
Heh. The second-to-last sentence needs some punctuation,
though, I think.
} Ten steps up the walk, the same ten steps it had always taken, and Kachiko
} found herself standing next to the entryway of the house. Finger shaking
} with uncharacteristic nervousness, she pressed the familiar red button for
} the doorbell (or was it a different shade of red?) and heard a familiar
} ringing from inside. Already her spirit started to ease at the familiar
} sensations.
"Familiar" used twice in close proximity.
} "Oh dear, you seem to have inherited your mother's pitiful sense of humor as
} well."
Heh.
} A cold aura of power glowed around Kachiko. In delirious glee she shouted,
} "I have a second chance at everything! I mean, getting cut down while I was
} still relatively in the prime of my life? Talk about being cheated. And to
} have it happen to someone as nice, cute, and intelligent as me? I tell you,
} when something like that happens, it makes you think there isn't such a
} thing as justice in this world. And then there was how pitiful my life was
} before I died. Sakura told me some of the stupid things I did after I ended
} up in a car accident and damaged my leg so badly I could barely perform
} martial arts anymore. I can't believe I let my parents convince me since I
} was shot as a martial artist I needed give up the art and settle down and
} marry young so someone could carry on the dojo. And having several children
} before I was twenty five? Why, it's like I was given a death sentence before
} I was dead."
This exposition is a bit contrived. Some of it may be
better as internal monologue, or perhaps in the conversation
between Kachiko and Sakura?
} Without giving the astonished girls a second glance, Kachiko headed directly
} for the refrigerator and began rummaging through it. Within seconds she
} pulled out a large bottle of saki and removed the top.
"saki" -> "sake"
} Kasumi waved her hands and tried getting her mother's attention. "Excuse me,
} but that's father and Mr. Saotome's saki. I don't think it's really proper
} to..."
And again.
What's to say? Kachiko is singularly hilarious, and I'm
really looking forward to the next chapter.
Bjorn