Max M. Wrote:

standard cold and heartless c&c to follow

Always fun to receive.

Finally got finished with chapter one. It's a short one for me at only

40K,

but it was necessary for this sort of transition chapter to set things

up

before we get to the real meat of the story. Only went through it twice

with

no prereaders, so there should be stuff to find.

its like an easter egg hunt, oh boy!

Heh. I suppose, though I've never seen it that way.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The staccato tapping of Kachiko Tendou's fingertips playing across the

wood

of the dining room table filled the air. The gentle taps lightly echoed

in

the room. She sat lackadaisically, slouching slightly, giving an air of
lassitude that was only contradicted by the half-lidded, and highly
suspicious, stare that was directed towards the two girls seated on the
opposite side of the table.

great first paragraph (typical), a singularly visual first sentence

followed

by a roaming, windy overly-explanatory second one to set the mood, tone,

and

make the reader digest more than he was ready to. Perfect, thats exactly

how

it should be.

Err, Actually I'm cutting the second setence as being redundent with the
first. Now the third one will stay as is, which I assume you meant when you
said the second was long.

Kachiko leaned over the table and close to the girls. "Tell me

something,

don't you think I would be a bit insulted at being told such a stupid

lie?

I

mean, come on, you've not only got magic, but time travel paradoxes

thrown

in there as well. What sort of sucker is going to believe that?"

unless this was a joke, i dont really see Kachiko bringing up time

paradoxes

Well, she does think the whole thing is a joke. But in theory your parents
couldn't be plucked out of time and thrown in the future before you were
born since you would cease to exist, unless you returned. Of course with
magic involved, it might make everything moot.

"But it's true!" Kasumi insisted.

"Ha!" Kachiko slammed her hand down on the table, not hard enough to

crack

it, but with enough force to make it shift.

shake, maybe

Changed.

"Oh please, changing some of the
furniture around in my house is not going to make me fall for this

pathetic

lie. Especially since all of the new ones you used are incredibly tacky.

if 'ones' refers to funiture, to might want to mention it as furniture
pieces or something just for subject/object agreement

Changed to 'stuff' to agree with number there.

Kachiko said dramatically, rising to her feet and entering the kitchen.

She

gazed in awe at her surroundings. "Look at all this futuristic

equipment.

Ohh, a microwave. And what's that? Why it's a stove. Obviously the

design

must be good, since it looks exactly like the same one that's been here
since before World War II.

they had microwaves before the war?

The stove is supposed to be from before the war. And she's being sarcastic
about the war, though it's the same one it's been for twenty years.

And is that... could it be... oh my god! It's an
object that produces cold so that food will last longer. It must be what
sci-fi writers call a refrigerator!

dont see Kachiko mentioning sci-fi writers either (whithout getting into

the

temporal logistics of the word)

Twenty years ago I think that was a term used .

and I dont know, *wouldnt* this stuff look different? what has it been,

like

30 years maybe?

Twenty.

I know my kitchen at home looks nothing like what it did

when I was growing up, 15 years ago. But then im not a tendo or in japan.

Actually you're probably right, but she can ID the equipment easily enough.
She's implying that if it was the furture she shouldn't be able to since
it's 'the future'.

all

one of Wacky Wakaba's little practical jokes, isn't it?"

The girls looked at one another. Akane said, "Wacky Wakaba?"

i take it since kachiko doesnt believe shes in the future, she also doesnt
believe the girls are her daughters?

Yep. She thinks they're actresses.

"Oh sure, she's one of my close friends, as if you didn't know," Kachiko
said slyly. "She's always pulling practical jokes like this. Did she

tell

you about the time she tried slipping a bomb in my locker, only I saw

her

plant it, so I switched the lockers? Boy, you should have seen the look

of

surprise on her face when she went to get her books and that baby went

off.

She was out of the hospital in a week. She's a tough little thing.

damn

And then some.

And then
there was the time we were at the celebration for the baseball team

coming

in second in the national championship, and she tried to slip me a

powerful

aphrodisiac.

damn damn

See? :)

Only our drinks got mixed up and she ended up drinking it
instead. Boy, was she surprised the next morning. And sore. She couldn't
walk straight for a week.

I'd seriously get rid of 'And sore' to make this read much faster and
diliver the punch line harder. but this was great.

Hmm. I sort of like it with sore. WIll reconsider, though.

constantly, and don't think for one second I don't consider myself in

her

debt because of it."

"I... see," Akane admitted.

me too

Pity Kachi doesn't. :)

"... news today of more unrest in the Mid-East."

"Oh yes, it's all so very different now in the future," Kachiko said
blandly, leaving the television on.

this was a good line but it would work better if she wasnt so overly
sarcastic before IMO

Hmm. It's not really meant to be deep, since the message is obvious. Like i
told someone else, showing things remaining 'the same' was frighteneing
easy.

"What do you mean?" Akane asked.

"I hate kimonos," Kachiko explained. "They're tight and confining.

like bras and underwear

Kachi: Until I see things like thongs. The idea of having a piece of string
up my butt cheeks sounds kind of kinky, actually.

Kachiko scowled at the two girls, then held the photo in front of her.

"I'm

insulted at the insinuation that I could ever look like this. You know

what

the woman in this picture cries out so hard that it makes my eyes tear?
Frumpiness.

That was on the tip of my toungue

Image I was going for.

existence."

"That was not the way things were! You were happy!" Kasumi cried out.

now that was good

Thanks.  One of the 'conflicts' in this is the girls accusing Kachi of not
acting like she 'should' to Kachi wondering why she would ever act like they
suggest.

"-since the unexpected cancellation of the popular series back in two
thousand and one. People have been writing in and demanding that it

return-"

Last Call with Carson Daly! I know I have!

Heh. Never saw it myself, but I don't watch much regular TV.

Kachiko turned the television off. She shot the two girls an angry

glare.

"Exactly how did you manage to override the signal and show those to

me?"

err

She's grasping.

The way it was stated, in such a firm yet soft manner, reminded Kasumi

of

the way the woman who had raised her would have issued the command.
Instinctively, the rest of what she had been planning to say died on her
tongue.

how old was she when mom died? i dont remember

She's got three years on Akane, who vaguely remmebers her mother. So Kasumi
should remember pretty well, for a young girl. I think she tells Akane she
helped cook with her mother, thoguh she wasn't very good.

Kachiko walked over to a nearby window and stared out. She began looking

at

the sights that were afforded by the view. Aloud, she calmly said,

"Looks

like you got someone to fix up the fence and build a koi pond out back.
That's nice. I always liked the idea of a pond; less grass for me to

cut.

I

take her out to the dirveway and show her the parked Ferrari Pantera GT5-S

Akane; Oh my god! We not only have a car now, but a cool one.

faintest

hint of doubt in Kachiko's voice. If anything, it sounded tired. She

turned

sharply on her heel and headed to the front door.

"Do you suppose you could untie us first?" Akane asked.

hahaha

Cool. Glad that worked for you. I wasn't sure if anyone would pick up on the
fact the girls were being way too passive, and wonder if there was a reason
for it.

many of the more casual styles had been altered almost to the degree

where

it felt like she was walking through a foreign country. Why, some girls

were

even wearing clothing that bared their mid-riffs, and no one even seemed

to

take notice.

except one guy

Actually I plan to use this little detail later. Kachi is going to enjoy the
idea that fashions allow for more skin than in her past.

"Maybe it was some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion," Kachiko murmured

to

herself. Time travel was impossible. Those two girls at her house were

not

her non-existent daughters. She was a virgin.

ha!

She is. Not that she hasn't dated. Just that no one's ever won her over that
bad.

that passed by and order them to start acting normally, but she fended

off

such irrational thoughts with the assurance that Sakura could make it

all

better. Sakura made everything better. She had a way of explaining

things

that could make complete chaos seem, if not like order, at least
understandable.

actually, i thought Kachiko was pulled through at the moment she was about
to be hit by the car, or whatever happened

Yes, but she didn't know she was about to be plowed down. The 'real'
accident was to have taken her completely off guard, but she snatched even
before she was aware the truck was barreling down at her.

The way Sakura, even one whose image was distorted by the years,

sniffled

caught Kachiko's attention. "You and I... I mean you and my mother had a
falling out? But you were best friends."

im not gonna like this if she goes back in time to change this stuff

No spoilers. Besides, she in the process now of adjusting to the idea she
might be here for a while, if not forever.

"Events reached their peak during late in our senior year. We exchanged
harsh words. Your mother had quite the tongue on her.

cant think of anything adequately funny to say here

There's the typical lesbian sex lines.

"Oh dear, you seem to have inherited your mother's pitiful sense of

humor

as

well."

yes

It's true. I'll have to remember to play that up in the future.

Not one to pass up such an obvious opportunity, Kachiko said, "Yes.

That's

it. Definitely. I'd like to know everything about her. Oh, just one

thing.

Do you remember her disappearing for a brief while back in the summer

when

she was seventeen?"

now thats thinking ahead

And keeping the reader guessing at what might happen by the end of the
series.

"I'll take mine with some lemon and a hit of sake."

probably shot, hit is a recent thing

Didn't think of that. Okay.

Suddenly Kachiko shot to her feet, knocking Akane over. Pumping her fist

to

the sky, the time lost girl shouted, "Don't you get it?! I cheated

death!

BWHAHAHAHA!"

heh, (wonder how id take it)

Don't know myself, but I like the idea of living past thirty, which I've
actually done.. :)

Kachiko didn't hear a word. She yelled to the sky, "This time, I'm

really

going to do things right! None of this marrying young, having kids, or
crossing streets! I'm going to have fun, fun, fun until I keel over from
exhaustion, and then I'm really going to cut loose!

and what, yak?
(Elaine: no, not on the curtains! use your bucket!)

Kachi hasn't thought that far ahead. She figures if the spirit is willing,
the flesh will automatically follow.

And it begins now!"

blarrrggh!
(Elaine: there you go!)

Hehehehe

me,

but that's father and Mr. Saotome's saki. I don't think it's really

proper

to..."

hell, they wont miss one bottle

It's the other five she gets to later that they might. :)

"Ah! Now that's the way to start things off!" Kachiko tossed the bottle
against a wall, shattering the glass container and creating a small
collection of shards in that area of the room.

"I'll clean that up," Kasumi said in a daze as she left the room to grab

a

broom and dust pan.

hahaha

She's running on automatic until her mind can sort things out.

Everyone turned to see Soun Tendou looking crossly upon the scene. His

anger

was short-lived as his eyes fell upon a young woman again for the first
time. He blinked once for Disbelief. A second time for Denial. A third

for

the inopportune pant-shit

Nah. He's not that old that he needs diapers yet, :)

Patience wearing thin, Nabiki said, "He was somewhat younger when you

were

married, and since he's your husband, he's done a lot of more intimate
things with you, myself, Kasumi, and Akane being proof positive of

that."

"The hell he has!" Kachiko raged. "I'm as virgin as pristine snow, and
intend to remain that way until I find the right guy.

The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! (or his dad, i guess)

No spoilers if you're right or not.

Confronted with someone who looked so much Akane, but was looking at him

in

a way Akane definitely did not, confused him enough that he stumbled

over

his words as he spoke. "I'm ah, Ranma Saotome."

good entrance + mood + lines, i trusted you on this

Thanks.

Kachiko all but purred, "Well, well, well. It looks like the future is

going

to be fun after all."

ho, damn

And fun for us as well.

The rest of his words were smothered as Kachiko's lips pressed
against his.

and shes a virgin

Yep. Don't lose your virginity by kissing.

"Actually, I didn't kiss anyone. I jus' lost my balance since the room's
spinning so much," Kachiko explained as she slid down Ranma and all but
pooled onto the floor at his feet. "I feel dizzy and nauseous. I think

I'm

suffering from the side effects of time travel."

DeLorean-Lag, yeah I get that a lot

Hehehe. Cute.

"You're suffering from the side effects of pounding down a whole bottle

of

sake," Nabiki stated coolly.

you spell sake several different ways

I messed up earlier. Should be sake I believe.

"A minor detail that escaped my notish," Kachiko slurred. "Ranma, help

me

to

my bed, would you?"

hahaha, yeah do it

He is. Akane's bed, but he'll put her there.

"Don't be shilly. It's your bed. You'll be sleeping in it too,"

"She'll be sleeping in my room,"

ranma: so does that mean *you're* sleeping with me?

Heh.

In a completely bewildered voice, Ranma asked, "Um, exactly what is

going

on

here?" as the girl in his arms began singing, "I'm not very dead; I'm

just

very happy," extremely off key.

dont know it

She's just rambling. It's not an actual song to my knowledge.

as Kachi begins her first steps in actually interacting with the fun

loving

lot of people around her, and we get to see their reaction to her.

yeah, theres a lot you could do with this if you dont take it to

seriously.

No plans to.

i like what your doing with kachi, and how the rest of the tendo's plus
ranma come off much more normal.

With normal being a relative term (in every sense of the word here)

this way the rest of nerima can be their

usual wack job selves, and there will be some great contrasts. though if

you

want to have like kuno and shampoo and all them play big parts in this,
maybe kachi's not only after ranma, but any other hunky guys, and them

after

her, etc. I await more.

Like I said: No spoilers. You'll see events unfold as I write them.
Hopefully won't let you down. Thanks for the C+C. They were helpful and
greatly appreciated.

D.B. Sommer

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