Just wanted to say that the fight scene was superbly done. The details
were incredible; also, you never lost sight of what was important - the
battle going on in Ranma's head. Battle scenes become incredibly boring
play-by-plays without adding the mental element to it; what you added
made this fight scene just about perfect. People should look at this for
ideas on how to write a fight scene.

 
Thank you very much. I did put a lot of thought into the writing of this
scene, but to tell you the truth, I still fear it might well be entirely too
gory.

But...

Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

      Ranma dropped the katana as he began to shake
uncontrollably. He felt as though someone had pushed him off
into an ice-covered cesspool. He retched and a thick fluid
fell from his lips. Then he wretched again, this time
doubling over with pain as his empty stomach convulsed. I'll
never be clean again, he thought. Never!

      "Oh, no!" Ranma cried out aloud, his voice telling the
world how lost his soul felt. He did not hear the murmur of
sympathy that came from those around him.

... this sounds really phony. If it's cried aloud, it probably wouldn't
be anywhere near this coherent. He's at the ragged edge of emotion;
anything said is going to come out as an extreme. He might groan some
words out, without any energy to them; he might scream incoherently; he
might start his own branch of the Soun Tendo Waterworks Company. Just
saying 'Oh, no!' seems so phony that, after the previous ten-fifteen
paragraphs or so, it's like speeding down the highway at 120mph only to
run into a brick wall. It's extremely jarring.

 
Well, I can identify with this to a degree, but here is the problem I have.
Had I written the scene so that Ranma cried out, "Oh, God!" I seriously
doubt the majority of readers would have raised an eyebrow. OTOH, the
Japanese are not given to this kind of exclamation. Ranma is not at all
happy with what he has just done, even though he is usually happy to have
emerged victorious from a fight. Having him cry out, "Oh, no!" seemed the
best way for me to have him express the horror he feels, even though he is
in the right and has just emerged victorious.
 
None of this matters, of course. What really matters is what the majority of
readers think. No matter how realistic a rendering is, if that rendering
does not ring true in a work of art, then it must necessarily be changed to
maintain the integrity of the art. Let's wait and see what other readers
think. If their first impression upon their initial reading of the passage
is that the line does not fit the circumstances, then I will change it.

     Ranko sat down cross-legged; facing the somnolent Ranma
then took his left hand in both of her own.

Might want to work on punctuation in this paragraph... A comma is
definitely needed after 'Ranma', and either a comma is needed after
'cross-legged' or nothing at all. I'm not entirely sure which in that
case...

 
That's what I get for taking the advice of Lord Redmond's Word. I'll see
what I can do with it. Any input from serious students of grammar would be
sincerely welcomed.

      "Oh, that's Ranma Saotome. My youngest daughter,
Akane's fiance," Soun said sounding proud.

Comma needed after 'said'.

 
Reading this one aloud convinces me that it clanks rather badly against the
mind's ear. I shall re-write it.

Overall, good job; looking forward to more.

-- Nick

 
Thank you for the feedback, Nick,
 
Don Granberry.

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