Just wanted to say that the fight scene was superbly done. The details
were incredible; also, you never lost sight of what was important - the
battle going on in Ranma's head. Battle scenes become incredibly boring
play-by-plays without adding the mental element to it; what you added
made this fight scene just about perfect. People should look at this for
ideas on how to write a fight scene.

But...

Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

      Ranma dropped the katana as he began to shake
uncontrollably. He felt as though someone had pushed him off
into an ice-covered cesspool. He retched and a thick fluid
fell from his lips. Then he wretched again, this time
doubling over with pain as his empty stomach convulsed. I'll
never be clean again, he thought. Never!

      "Oh, no!" Ranma cried out aloud, his voice telling the
world how lost his soul felt. He did not hear the murmur of
sympathy that came from those around him.

... this sounds really phony. If it's cried aloud, it probably wouldn't
be anywhere near this coherent. He's at the ragged edge of emotion;
anything said is going to come out as an extreme. He might groan some
words out, without any energy to them; he might scream incoherently; he
might start his own branch of the Soun Tendo Waterworks Company. Just
saying 'Oh, no!' seems so phony that, after the previous ten-fifteen
paragraphs or so, it's like speeding down the highway at 120mph only to
run into a brick wall. It's extremely jarring.

     Ranko sat down cross-legged; facing the somnolent Ranma
then took his left hand in both of her own.

Might want to work on punctuation in this paragraph... A comma is
definitely needed after 'Ranma', and either a comma is needed after
'cross-legged' or nothing at all. I'm not entirely sure which in that
case...

      "Oh, that's Ranma Saotome. My youngest daughter,
Akane's fiance," Soun said sounding proud.

Comma needed after 'said'.


Overall, good job; looking forward to more.

-- Nick




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