Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

I want to put a comma after shoulders.  Not sure if it really needs one, or
if it's just me.

Me, either. Word bitches about the way I use the word "then". It usually
wants me to replace it with the word "and" or remove the comma in front of
it. One of M$oft's grammar geeks has got to be full beans. "And" and "then"
are not interchangeable while getting the same meaning across.

I just spent about 15 minutes going through Gordon's "The Deluxe
Transitive Vampire" and "The New Well-Tempered Sentence" looking for
any kind of support for this usage -- which I, too, prefer.  I could
find no direct references, but several indirect ones seem to suggest
that the comma should be there.

Specifically, Gordon cites:  "When the subject is stated only once,
but has two actions, or verbs, a comma may help bridge them if the
conjunction between them is 'but'."

I suggest that "then" also qualifies for this rule.

 
Then that's the way I'll use it and Lord Redmond's Word be damned!

Woo!  Props for showing that Tendo-san is more than just a guy who cries a
lot.  ^_^  He IS a master of Anything Goes, yes?

That's the way I figure it. Strictly speaking, this is way, way OOC for
Soun, but I never liked these weak, namby-pamby father characters that
comedians are wont to create. I'm gonna re-write him my way.

As I recall, one of the movies actually showed Genma and Soun
working together as a fairly competent team.

It's probably just me, but "struck the man's hands off" seems an odd phrase
too.

A phrase long in use with an excellent pedigree. It stays.

Agreed.  Not so well-used that it has become cliched, but certainly
well-established with a certain antique flavor.

(Damn.  I sound like I'm at a wine-tasting.)

allowed his emotions to seize control, and did not therefore,
attack blindly.

no comma after therefore

Wanna bet? I think we'd better ask for arbitration  on this one.

Comma after "therefore", yes, but only if there is a comma before
it, too -- as Gordon says in "The Well-Tempered Sentence", "A
comma is used to set off conjunctive adverbs, such as however,
moreover, etc., and transitional adverbs."  One example she gives
is "What is love, after all, but a cross between two wishes?"
"Therefore" in the sentence under consideration occupies much the
same role as "after all" in that sample.

 
Okay. I stand corrected.

carrying a sword, was pointing a pistol at him. I'm gonna die,
Ranma thought silently to himself. I hope it doesn't kill
Ranko too.

thought silently to himself?  As opposed to thinking out loud to himself, I
suppose?  ^_^

Horsehockey! If I don't put some such phrase as that in, readers get
confused.

You could eliminate the "thought" part entirely, maybe recasting the
passage as something like:

Ranma's mind raced.  I'm gonna die; I hope it doesn't
kill Ranko, too.

Imply that the "dialogue" is mental, and maybe also rely upon a
typographical convention (lack of quotes, at least, and maybe the
indication of pseudo-italics).  Oh, and comma before "too" there.

 
I haven't used typographical conventions in the past and am not going to
start. There is NOTHING wrong with that phrase. It signals the reader that
the character is thinking rather than speaking leaving no room for error,
thus eliminating confusion.

They're making their weapons flexible and supple?  Or possible lithe and
nimble?

One "limbers" a weapon when preparing to use it. This usage has a long
lineage. It stays.

Hm.  Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary gives no usage for
limber which corresponds to this.  Perhaps you mean "unlimber"?
To wit:  "2:  To prepare for operation or performance <~ed his
banjo and began to sing> ~ vi: to perform the task of preparing
something for action"  This usage descends from "limber", a cart
on which a gun or caisson is carried, and from which it must be
removed before it can be used.

 
Nuts! I'll re-write the bloody thing. I'm tempted to re-write the entire
chapter from scratch.

       "Oh, no!" Ranma cried out aloud, his voice telling the
world how lost his soul felt. He did not hear the murmur of
sympathy that came from those around him.

I agree with Nick.  "Oh, no!" has no emotional weight whatsoever here.

We'll see. I'll watch reader responses carefully.

I'm afraid I have to concur with Nick and M Davis.  That was one of
two parts of this section that rang falsely for me.  A) It sounds
too melodramatic, like "Oh, woe is me!" from a Victorian morality
play and B) It just doesn't sound like Ranma.  "No", by itself,
just might work, perhaps whispered, or whispered first and then
repeated in a cry.  Or maybe something like "Gods, no."

Frankly, though, *any* two-word exclamation starting with "oh" in
a Ranma fic makes me think of Kasumi, unfair as that may be.

 
 
Okay, that tears it. I'll use some other exclamation. I don't know what I'll
have him say, but I'll have him say something else.

Does calling Ranma a brother mean she's taken?  I would expect any
red-blooded marine to take that as an opening, rather than deciding the door
had been shut.  ^_^

No, it means that Ranko's status is unclear and that the corpsman is
assuming his luck is holding.

I don't follow this logic.  This was the second part that didn't
ring true to me -- "He's my brother", even hesitantly, shouldn't
evoke a "Damn, she's taken" reaction unless the hearer has had
some very strange experiences with family relations...

 
I ain't gonna change this. It's perfect. Read what the guy said, then note
Ranko's reaction. If I make the guy get too pushy, Ranko would be out of
character if she didn't belt him one. He's a corpsman working on a patient.
He has lots of other patients to work on and the girl is being equivocal vis
a vis her relationship to Ranma. A soldier on leave is one character and
another character entirely when on duty. This one is on duty.

In fact, his tears were quickly washing the blood and grime from the
street...

Hmm, like I said, I dislike that particular convention. It's more the
television version of Soun, but still pretty close to Takahashi's original
version of him. Don't expect me to use him in that way.

Good.  The first time I saw the numbered, catalogued and named cries
for Soun in a fic, I laughed.  The second time I saw them in someone
else's fic, I chuckled for the reuse of a clever device.  The
twentieth time I saw them I wanted to pound the author's head against
a brick wall.  *Any* characterization element, overdone, can become
an irritant.  Even in the anime, Soun doesn't cry *that* much.


Finally, since I haven't said before, I'm liking this series very
much, Don.  I can't wait to see more.

-- Bob

Well, I'm glad someone agrees with me on this one. Soun is equally likely to
fly off into a blood curdling, or even blood thirsty rage as he is likely to
breakdown into tears. Notice also that he is rather fond of pole arms.
 

Thanks for helping clear some of this stuff up, Bob,
 
Don Granberry.


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