Hiya,

Precedence: This story is preceded by events in "Two Sides of
the Coin" by Benares and "Misuteru" by Jason Drozd, and proceeds
along lines other than those of David Johnson's "Dare Mo" and
JPBuckner's "The Ghost of Curses Past", though much inspiration
was lifted from Johnson's work.

Wow, a lot of backstory there.  I'm not sure I can remember all those fics, 
but then again, I didn't find not knowing interfered with my enjoyment of 
your fic.

It's like I'm some kind of ghost, she thought, but I have feet,
and the sun feels good, and people can see me once they take the
trouble to look. It's gotta have something to do with this
Jusenkyo body of mine. Is it because of my ki? Is it because I
can't raise an aura anymore?

Interesting... hope this element of the story gets developped as further 
chapters come along.  Is this drawing on some of the previous works you 
mentioned above (like Daremo, and so on)?

She was eyeing likely hiding places for her pack, already
scanning the street as a battle environment and mapping
resources, when the mailbox sprouted legs and stalked off,
stepping delicately over the rounds of chain with sturdy legs in
colorful nylons and satin pumps, and the shouting tracked the
mailbox as it fled.

That sentence, while nicely descriptive, is a bit run-on, I think.  Not only 
did it seem like it was the 'rounds of chain' that had 'sturdy legs in 
colorful nylons and satin pumps' on first read; but the final bit about 
shouting seems to make it all a bit overly long.  Maybe.  A semi-colon 
before 'and the shouting'
might work, but a period followed by 'The shouting...' would probably be 
better.

Then again, I suspect that it's a bit of a stylistic thing, so feel free to 
ignor emy comments.

I'm out of their context now, she thought, and now they're as
blind to my presence as everyone else. This is what it's like to

That's a pretty sophisticated deduction for Ranma to make... er, especially 
since I'm not quite sure myself what that means, or why it would make him 
all but invisible to even random shopkeepers.

She thought about backtracking to the Seibu Shinjuku rail line,
then she thought about standing, vulnerably stationary, for the
hour or so that it would probably take for her to get her
ticket. She guessed that the highway was closer anyway, and
maybe she could hold onto her money.

While a good plot device to get her on the road, it's a bit hard to believe. 
  You buy tickets from automated machines, even for the bullet train, 
usually.  He could have his ticket and be waiting on the platform in five 
minutes... or if he's that hard to pick up, just walk onto the train without 
even buying a ticket.

She pulled her jacket back on her shoulders
as if to keep its heat off her neck, and adjusted it twice more
before she felt she had her breasts properly highlighted.

Heh.  You go, pervy Ranma!

This body... I'm stuck with it, but there are things I can do
with it that I never could with my other one. I might as well
make use of what I've got. That's Anything-Goes, isn't it?

Although I don't doubt he could do the same with his male body.  He's good 
looking and hunky (er, so I've been told), I'm sure girls would pick him up, 
too.

Fortunately, he hadn't known or hadn't thought to add that the
girl was out on the highways while the schools were in session.

Not a big concern, though.  High school is mandatory, so seeing teenaged 
kids out of school during hours isn't _that_ uncommon; also, there's often 
days when they get out early.  Still, a good point that I guess might occur 
to Ranma.

The mercury-vapor streetlamps gave a light that was almost as
cold as how she felt inside, painting the high roadside
shrubbery past the storefronts almost black, with deep-carven
shadows. The coastal air had turned chill and thickly damp with
night, reducing distant lights to hazes and halos. As she neared
the ramp entrance, her danger sense started pricking at her. She
looked around once, saw nothing to provoke it, but dove into the
bushes anyway, reaching around to push back into place the
branches which her pack tore awry.

Incidentally, I've mostly (okay, only) been making negative comments, so I 
thought I should add that I quite like the story--or I wouldn't be 
commenting on it, I suppose.  Especially your descriptions--extremely vivid, 
and sharply accurate, I think.  At least, I can certainly imagine the scene 
you paint with your prose.  I like the foggy air and halo'd light effect, 
and the shadows, and the numerous other small details you've included 
throughout that really bring the prose of this story alive.

Just a few comments on the first chapter:

Somewhere further off in that light was Jusenkyo.  Getting from
this sunrise to that one would be a challenge, even without her
father's impatience at her side to push her into ill-considered
decisions. She was going to have to find ways to support herself
for the journey, ways that someone her age and sex would be
allowed to use. First, though, she had to traverse those areas
of Tokyo where she was likely to be accosted by enemies she was
still too weak to fend off quickly.

I guess I really ought to have gone back and read those pre-works... so the 
basic idea is that Ranmei is trying to get to China (on her own, presumably, 
without making some kind of forced deal with the Amazons) and, presumably, 
take a bath at Jusenkyo?

I'm not sure what she means by 'meeting enemies in Tokyo', though.  Well, 
okay, it seems like a silly thing to say considering someone tried to rape 
her up above; but I can't really imagine her having much fear of Tokyo, 
especially considering how safe the city is.  As for meeting former rivals 
and friends... a couple hundred yen could have her on an early morning train 
and half-way across the city before anyone has even noticed she's gone.  I 
dunno.  Having him pass through the city works great in the second chapter 
for character and plot development, but it also strikes me as a bit odd.  
Not that I expect you to change it or anything--I'd rather see part three!  
It's good to see a girl-Ranma that doesn't suddenly go inexplicably 'girly' 
for once....

How's she going to get to China?  If she's already in Kyoto, there's a handy 
boat from Kobe (and Osaka) that heads that way....

-Mike Noakes

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