For this response, I will where practical adopt the
(original:correction) format I've seen some others use.

Sam Vilsmeier wrote:
<snip>

Hotaru could not help but (shutter:shudder) as a chill of apprehension and panic
slowly made its way up her spine. This was a very bad thing.

Mentally, Hotaru kicked herself. She should have anticipated this. Ranma was
what Setsuna-mama called a 'Butterfly'. Of course she would keep an eye on
(him, while:him; while) she couldn't see his future, she sure as heck would keep an eye
on his past, curse included.

She looked over to her lover, and found her own fears reflected in his girl
(forms:form's) liquid-blue eyes. Slowly their hands met under the table. What ever
happened, they were in it together.

"Good morning, Hotaru-chan," muttered Setsuna as she sat at the table, her
eyes drilling into Ranma.

Two things. one, suggest "sat down at"; second, were her eyes in fact
drilling into Ranma, or into Ranma's eyes? The latter form is more
common, but may not be appropriate for this scene.

"Ranko-san?" The outer most Senshi turned her head toward the two teens. Her
features slowly softened as she saw the unease in the two (youths:youths') eyes. With
a small smile on her face, which was now devoid of all obvious negative
emotion, she turned back to Michiru. "Yes, I know Ranko-san."

Setsuna shrugged. "Well, It was a surprise. Seeing a family member of the
boy who impregnated your 'daughter' first thing is not exactly a pleasant
thing to wake up to." She paused for a moment and turned her head to
Michiru. "Could you please get me something for my head? I have a horrible
hangover."

Rather than "a family member", I might suggest something along the lines
of "such a close connection", or related - while it may be a
high-probability guess, Setsuna does not at this point have any way of
knowing what subterfuge of identity Ranma is here under, and since she
doesn't at this point apparently want to give his identity away making
that assumption seems a bit risky.

The (Aquamarine:aquamarine)-haired girl nodded, and left the room to get a bottle of
aspirin.

Setsuna smiled as shook her head. She had absolutely no idea why the hell
Ranma was here, but if they kept this lovey-dovey crap up, their cover would
be blown like Mount St. Helens on a bad day. She really needed to talk to
them alone. She winced as another (pan of page:pang of pain) screamed its way through her
cranium. God, this thinking was aggravating her hangover.

Perhaps "this much thinking" or "all this thinking", or some such,
rather than just "this thinking"?

"Here's you aspirin," said Michiru, as (he:she) reentered the room with a bottle
of painkillers and a cup of coffee.

Possibly "re-entered" rather than "reentered"

She let out a satisfied (sighed:sigh), and laid her empty coffee mug on the table.
"Thank you."

Setsuna closed her eyes and waited for the aspirin to kick in. While she
waited she sampled the morning meal. "Michiru, you out did yourself this
morning."

Instead of "While she waited", suggest "In the meantime", or something
along those lines, because you've already used "waited" in the preceding
sentence.

Setsuna laughed lightly, and said, "Let me guess... Saotome School Martial
Arts Catering?"

I don't think there's a Saotome School of that; I think you meant
"Anything Goes", which is the fanfic convention which would fir this
context.

If, on the other hand, you did mean to indicate that in addition to one
of Anything Goes Martial Arts there is a Saotome school of Martial Arts
Catering, you need the word "of" in the middle there.

"That's-(absoulty:absolutely)-positively-fine-you-can-come-with-us-if-you-want!"
sputtered Ranma.

"I knew you would see it my way, Saotome-kun," replied Setsuna with a smirk.

Saotome-kun? The suffix "kun" is, so far as I can tell (and IIRC
according to the Japanese dictionaries I've come across) used
exclusively of males. While the term's degree of familiarity would seem
to be roughly the one you're going for, and Setsuna does know Ranma's
true gender, using the term would seem to have the potential to give it
away to the other two parents. At the very least, if you don't alter the
usage, you should add either a "Let's see if they notice" thought on
Setsuna's part or a nervous look and "Thank God, they didn't notice" on
the part of one or both of the lovebirds.

Setsuna (face fell:facefaulted), hitting her head against the table, while Hotaru and the
others started laughing hysterically.

Alternate forms include "face faulted" (if you prefer the non-unitary
form) or "fell over" (though that one's hard to pull off successfully,
and would require rewriting parts of this sentence to make clear that
this is a facefault); there are a few others, though I can't bring them
to mind at the moment.

"Oh, someone has something coming (alright:all right)," grumbled Setsuna as she glared
at Ranma.

Michiru voiced up, in concern. "Hotaru-chan, are you sure you ate enough?
You are eating for two now..."

The phrase "voiced up" doesn't really work; "spoke up" isn't quite
appropriate for the context either, but might work. Regardless, the
comma is not grammatically appropriate.

Hotaru moved over to Ranma and whispered "Keep them busy while I get
 dressed" into his ear.

While it might be technically grammatically correct (I'm not quite
sure), the fact that phrasing the sentence this way means leaving no
punctuation at the end of the quote (comma, period, et cetera) is going
to trip some people up; it did me. I'd suggest rephrasing the
sentence/paragraph to fix this, possibly just by allowing the quote to
be at the end of the sentence and thus permitting it to end in a period
with no problems.

As Hotaru walked off Hotaru walked off, Setsuna spoke up. "Hotaru-chan, when
you come down, can I see those (sandles:sandals) you bought?"

Hotaru froze in place and began to mutter numerous curses, then growled and
twisted around glairing Setsuna in the eyes with a venomous look. "No, I can
't! There are no damn sandals! I was buying pregnancy tests! Now are you
happy?"

Line break in the middle of "can't".

Setsuna winced, as Hotaru's angry tone (heighten:heightened) the already blazing agony of
her hangover. "Um, sorry, Hotaru-chan. I... I, didn't know."

If it's that level of pain (sufficient to be described as "agony", along
with the various other terms you've been using to refer to it), it seems
like more than might be expected from a typical hangover, even one from
such a level of drinking; it sounds to me closer to a migraine, which
could in theory be triggered by hangover-related events but would be
independent of the hangover itself.

I would suggest either making the headache a hangover-triggered migraine
(and hence much more serious, at least in the short term, than would
seem to be appropriate for your storyline) or significantly toning down
the severity of your pain-descriptive terms. But others might disagree
with me; this is only a suggestion.

Hotaru sighed and irritably shook her head. As she exited (to:the) room, she was
heard (grumbling.:grumbling,) "Sandals my ass..."

Ranma rolled his eyes, she was sounding like Cologne. "Oh great, not another
Old Ghoul..." as soon as the word left his mouth, his face bent into a
twisted (smiled:smile). Did he just say that out (loud.:loud?)

Ranma gulped and quickly garbled out, "I-said-nothing-absolutely nothing!
I-(thing:think)-your-oh-so-beautiful-young-lady!"

I agree with the comment on this made by the Apprentice. (Aside to that
personage: in referring to you, is it or is it not appropriate to
capitalize the definite article? Reply, if at all, offlist.)

Ranma blushed as he looked over his future wife. She was dressed in a purple
sweeter, black miniskirt, (healed(heeled) boots, and long black stockings that left
just a small ring of skin visible between them and the bottom of her skirt.
It was times like this that he was glad to be a man.

Hotaru flushed red (in:and) looked down demurely. In Ranma's eyes, it only made
her cuter.

Also, possibly change "it" to "that".

"(Ok:Okay), we're going now..." grumbled Setsuna as she got up from her seat, and
all but dragged the teens out of the house.

"Most (defiantly:definitely)," replied Michiru.

"You do realize that she's also sleeping with her *brother*..." added
Haruka.

This sounds as if Haruka is saying that Ranko is sleeping not only with
Hotaru but with her own brother (Ranma). Clearly you mean that Hotaru is
sleeping not only with Ranko but also with Ranko's brother; this is an
example of the sort of confusion that can arise from the overuse of
pronouns. Suggest you rephrase to eliminate the problem. (I can't make
any easy suggestions as to how, but then I don't have authorial
authority over this fic.)

Michiru sighed, "Who knew Hotaru-chan, would grow up to be a hentai..."

Comma after "sighed" should be a period; comma after "Hotaru-chan"
shouldn't be there at all.

(Both:The two) lesbians looked at each other, and in one voice said, "Yuck..."

When the three were clear from the house, and away from the house Setsuna
twisted around and glared both teens in the eyes. "Hotaru, Ranma, there
better be a damn good explanation (to:for) this. If there is not I'm going to
march back in that house and tell those two everything I know..."

"clear from the house, and away from the house" gives the same fact
twice - or if it isn't the same fact, it's presented so as to seem as if
it is.

"Well, for starters why the hell (we're:were) you in my house, and why are you
hiding behind your 'Ranko' persona?"

Ranma shrugged. "I don't got (no where:nowhere) else ta go. I was kicked out of my
house and forbidden from staying at the Tendo's after I told my Old Man that
I'm gonna do the right thing and marry Hotaru."

Setsuna nodded, and started walking again, letting the teens lead. While
they walked, she turned her head to (Hotaru,:Hotaru.) "I don't want to impose on your
feelings, but do you really want to marry him?"

Setsuna smiled slightly. "While I'm slightly annoyed for (reason:reasons: that I can't
mention in present company, he's not a bad choice. He's honorable and
caring." Setsuna sighed, shook her head, then continued. "Tell him the
truth, Hotaru. He'll find out eventually, and it would be better if it was
on our terms. Don't worry, he's trustworthy."

Hotaru gawked. Setsuna had told her to tell Ranma that she was Sailor
Saturn? "Are you sure?"

Suggest "Setsuna - the secretive, take-no-chances Sailor Pluto - " or
something along those lines, just to back this up.

"Hey!" interjected Ranma

Missing period.

Hotaru gulped. She would have to tell him, but this was not the time or
place. She was happy that she (was:had been) given permission, but at the same time,
she was hesitant. (If he didn't think:Even though he hadn't thought) she was a freak before, would this
change his mind? "I'll tell you later. This is not the place."

Ranma blinked, and gave her a inquisitive look, "you said you already knew!"

Missing capitalization.

"Getting things done with, aren't we Saotome," commented Setsuna, as she dug
through her purse. Moments later she pulled out a credit card and handed it
to Ranma. "Get her a rock that'll make the other girls (drools:drool) with envy."

Setsuna lifted her arms, refusing the card. "Keep it. 100,000 yen is not
enough for a ring (worth:worthy) of a girl like Hotaru. That card has a one million
yen limit. Just buy what you want and pay me back later. Consider it (a
 lone:a loan)."

"No problem(." She:," she) replied, waving it off. "I have more money in my mattress
then I know what to do with..."

Setsuna blinked. "What the hell does that mean."

Period should be a question mark.

Ranma shrugged. "For a moment, I thought you were like one of my 'fianc�e's'
sisters... You know, manipulative, cold hearted, cheap..." A Shojo wooden
mallet, courtesy of Setsuna, interrupted Ranma's speech.

Not only does this use the exaggerated and very un-Setsuna-like mallet
clich�, and not only does it seem a little odd considering that he's
telling her that he's realized she's *not* like that (and she *did* ask,
after all), but it's technically not punctuated correctly with respect
to the apostrophes around "fiancee" - I'm not entirely certain how to
describe what the problem is, but it's definitely there.

Hotaru nodded in (conformation:confirmation).

"Setsuna-mama!" objected Hotaru, fearful for Ranma's health. He was a human,
a normal human. How could he ever hope to survive a battle with even a weak
Youma. Setsuna could have just signed his death warrant.

Next-to-last sentence should end with a question mark; the one before
(and/or maybe the one after it) it should possibly end with an
exclamation point.

A chill worked its way up Hotaru's spine. Ranma had mentioned a place called
Jusendo, and that he had killed a god. Now Setsuna was all but affirming his
claim. Could he really be that powerful? "(Ok:Okay), Mama..." she whispered.

"Good," said Setsuna with a long sigh. Talking to herself, as much as
anyone, she said, "Well, I'm going to get out of here. I have a splitting
hangover to nurse, and if I don't get an Espresso in the next forty-five
seconds, I'm going to scream..." With a shrug and a wave, she started away
from the youths. "Arrivederci..."

French? Not that I necessarily object, but considering that they *are*
speaking Japanese (given the use of it in a few other places in the
fic), it seems a bit incongruous. Some terms wouldn't necessarily be
problematic (witness the Moon Shadow Knight's departing "Adieu"), but
that one would be very difficult to pronounce properly in Japanese, and
hence is not one I would expect to be common in Japanese usage.

Of course, this may be digging farther into the "interfacing languages"
bit than really needs to be done for this fic; I just wanted to mention
it, on general principles.

"Okay," said Ranma, shrugging it off. "So, (lets:let's) find you a ring."

Ranma sighed, and began to related the story to his woman. "It all began
when we got a call from the Jusenkyo guide..."

Suggest either "began to relate" or "began relating".

"And then Akane opened her eyes. I thought that things might from that point
on, and it did, for about a week," completed Ranma.

I think you've left out a word or two here; also, you have an
inconsistency between the plural nature of "things" and the singular
nature of "it".

Hotaru smiled dumbly at him. Setsuna told her to believe this, yet it
sounded like something (clear:straight) out of a martial arts manga! Of course, it was
not as if her life was much different.

Actually hers has been rather different from what he's described; the
point you're aiming at is that it hasn't been much more plausible, or
with much less of that fantastic manga-esque quality.

She smiled and gazed at her (lovers:lover's) face. They still had so much to learn
about each other, but the more she learned, the more similar their lives
appeared to be.

Again, I wouldn't say "similar" precisely, although I know what you're
talking about; you might want to consider looking at this one again, to
see if you can't find a more accurate way of talking about the
comparison.

"Hotaru, think this would be a good place to look," said Ranma interrupting
her train of (though:thought).

Quoted sentence should end with a question mark; also, given his past
usage, it might or might not be appropriate for Ranma to call her
"Hotaru-chan".

Her head (tuned:turned), following his outstretched hand she saw the welcoming sign
of a jewelry store. She looked at the sign for a moment, and smiled is
recognition. "I know this store! Usagi's friend Naru's mom owns it!"

Suggest either changing "she saw" to "to", or changing the comma to a
semicolon and adding another comma after "hand".

Incidentally, by everything I've ever come across (including English
text in the original anime), the store is called Osa-P.

"She's..." Hotaru paused for a moment. "... a very close friend of the
family!"

Might want to include a comment about how she's related to the secret
Setsuna alluded to earlier... though then again, you might not. It
depends on how you plan to reveal the fact, and also on how much
flexibility there is in that plan.

"A ring?" Her eyes narrowed, and she looked Hotaru dead in the eyes, and
asked, "What's he like in bed?"

Suggest either A: changing the comma after "narrowed" to a semicolon and
replacing the following "and" with a "then", or B: changing the comma
after "eyes" to a semicolon and replacing the following "and" with a
"then she" (possibly including some text to indicate her tilting her
head to one side, which I somehow seems appropriate for asking the
question when the rest is phrased that way).

Both Hotaru and Ranma blushed (beat:beet) red. After a moment, much to Ranma
unvoiced objection, Hotaru said, "It's the name."

Naru blushed (beat:beet) red and smiled. "Wild Horse... Oh my!"

Note the comment made by Thermopyle on this point; Naru hasn't heard
Ranma's name yet. Either have her look quizzical (or some such) in
response to the name, get introduced, and then have a looking-back
reaction like the one above, or get the introductions out of the way
earlier.

Hotaru giggled, and proudly hugged Ranma, (who's:whose) brain had already shut down
as all his blood made its way to his face. Ranma smiled at his soon to be
fianc�e and her friend, and said, "Can we look at rings please?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. What was it with girls and jewelry? He had a much,
much greater (understand:understanding) of woman then almost any man, but this was one that
always stumped him.

He looked at the display case before him, and started (looking at:examining) the rings
inside. Ouch, these (we're:were) expensive. Setsuna (was:had been) right to give him that
credit card, otherwise he would not have been able to afford anything but
the most cheap and basic ring.

Not sure "these were expensive" is the best form to use in the context;
but all the other forms I've thought of so far have problems of their
own. Maybe give it a little more thought.

Also, the comma after "credit card" should be a semicolon, especially if
you make the change earlier in that sentence.

Naru pulled the ring out of the case, and smiled at Hotaru. "Girl, you have
good taste!" (he:Her) eyes then narrowed slightly and she gave Ranma a (once over:once-over).
"You sure lover-boy can afford it."

Period at the end there should be a question mark.

"No problem," said Naru as she ran through the ring out process. When she
was done she looked to Ranma, and handed him a slip and the receipt. "Well,
Saotome-san, sign this and the ring is yours."

Ranma blinked and looked at the credit card. It had his name on it. How did
she... Ranma shook his head. No, he would find that out later.

This couldn't be done quite the same way if Naru had previously known
Ranma's full name; when doing introductions earlier, be sure to not have
him introduced as anything more than "Ranma".

With a shrug he signed the slip, (retuned:returned) it to Naru, then pocketed the ring.

"You too." Naru turned her head to Hotaru and continued, "(Good bye(Goodbye),
Hotaru-chan. Invite me to the wedding!"

Hotaru giggled and grabbed Ranma's hand. "I will Naru-san."

Missing a comma after "will".

Hotaru (shuttered:shuddered) slightly, and said, "You'll see."

Ranma did not really like the sound of that, but kept silent. The two walked
for a little while until Hotaru stopped in front of a large building with a
semi-secluded entrance. "This will (do." She:do," she) mumbled.

With little else said, the two entered the hotel. Unfortunately (the:they) did not
enter unobserved. Across the street a blond with a red bow in her hair had
seen the whole exchange.

Double use of "enter"; might want to change one of the usages.

Minako's hand quickly darted to her wrist communicator.

"(Matoko:Makoto), you will not believe what I just saw!"

--
      The Wanderer

I feel I should warn you I'm slightly mad.

Warning: Simply because I argue an issue does not mean I agree with any
side of it.

A government exists to serve its citizens, not to control them.

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