Yay!  Another one!

April 30, 1992

     The Duchy of Burgundy is reknowned around the world as 
an ideal vacation spot. Stretching for miles between the French
Republic and the Reich, it is politically stable, religiously
and culturally tolerant, and famously clean.

Boy, some of the historical changes DO go a ways back, don't
they.  (I note that you don't say _which_ Reich, leaving open
the possibility that it's the First or Second.)

When did Burgundy come under the sovereignty of France?  A
quick web search says that the last independently reigning
Duke, Charles the Bold, died in 1477, so if there even is a
single point of deviation (I'm beginning to suspect there may
not be) it's back at least that far.

The upper classes are proud but generous, and always mindful 
of the obligations of nobility. The lower classes are hard
working but loyal, and always willing to celebrate the end
of a productive workday. The small middle class blends
these attributes with humility befitting their station, 

;) Maybe you could become a professional writer of tourist
brochures?

     Consider the Mediterranean vacation city of Cannes, 
famous for its yearly theatrical festival.

Ah.  Missed this first time through (you gave the point
away lower down):  either moving pictures haven't been
invented, or no new words ("movie") have been coined for
them.

two gangs of apaches that aren't quite at war with each
other

www.wordsmyth.net defines "apache" as "a gangster of Paris"
as the second definition offered.  You do like using unusual
vocabulary in this series, don't you?  Personally, I like
it (though you're still a ways from Gene Wolfe-level word
choices) :) 

talking ... they say the Flame, she has been seen in these
parts."

Even a bit of a Frenchman-speaking-English phraseology there...

     Before there is any answer, the door bursts into flames.
     "It's her!" screams the second man.

Heh.  Effective diversion the "thing" used...

her absurdly short red skirt and white leotard. Perhaps it's 
the hot air and rising smoke that causes her red and yellow
dyed hair to move and shift in ways

I like this touch.

     "Glgghk," says the second man as the deflected shot goes 
right through his throat.

Damn she's good...  pulling a "wonder woman" is one thing;
aiming the deflections is something else.

     "Christ!" snaps the Flame.

Heh.  For Mars to say this... casting against type, are we?

away, quickly closes the two briefcases and picks them up, 
before walking out through the still smouldering door.

Didn't notice this detail first time through... she's KEEPING
the money?  Heh.

     The Flame considers this knowledge, breathing heavily. 
"No," she says at last. "No, no, no. This will *not* do at
all.
     "I'm going to have to kill that little bitch."

Certainly a nice plot twist.  I find, second time through,
that I'm wondering more about "this knowledge" than I did
first time, and precisely what the Flame is thinking about
here.

But Lara *is* able to sense when Sam transforms, and gains a 
sense of Sam's location when she herself transforms.

...incidentally telling us how the Flame will track Sam down...

     Sam shifts uncomfortably. It's an unusually warm day. 

<clip>

     "Excuse me," says a voice from behind her.

More of the hybrid-figurative description from last time...

Her ankle-length skirt is a brilliant red, while her
billowy blouse is stainless white.

...and the Flame even wears (more-or-less) Rei's miko outfit
as civvies...

"Gloria Mundy. Pleased to meet you, and no, my parents knew 
no Latin," she answers the aghast expression.

...implying Sam does, which is interesting.  Harks back a
number of decades, to when Latin was a common requirement
for a High School degree in the U.S.

Rather ironic name for this version of Rei, too.  This Rei
apparently lives for her name by itself, ignoring the rest
of the phrase everybody else hears:  "Sic Transit".  Canonical
Rei would be all too aware of the entire phrase.

     "Can't choose your family, I guess. So, how long have 
you been ... well, doing it?"
     "Four years."
     It's possible that Gloria could have said something
that would surprise Sam more. She could have claimed to have
been an immortal warrior from Atlantis.

Heh.  Or a long-forgotten Moon Kingdom.

She could have answered that Rune gave her the pen 
an hour ago, and that she hasn't yet used it.

Not clear to me why that would surprise Sam more, though.

And he's here, in Tokyo." She mispronounces the
name as "toe-ki-oh".

...implying that Sam and Mary and Lara do not, despite
the air of "I'm not Japanese at all, no not me" that
such mispronunciation would convey.  And since the real
pronunciation would be hard to maintain if everybody
speaks English at home, the Japanese language must still
be used quite a bit.

     What a sap, thinks the Flame as she watches the Jap
girl hurry back to school.

<clip>

     What a sap. Killing her will improve the breed even
more than the usual ethnic cleansing does.

Given the Flame's biases, one wonders how to interpret
the phrase "usual ethnic cleansing".  At first blush, I
wondered about its being official government policy, but
it need not be.  Even in our world, a particularly cynical
person with much exposure to, say, the Balkans, or parts
of Africa, might use such a phrase in sarcastic conversation.
But someone who would think that phrase to herself is, I
would think, particularly distasteful.

     The Flame rises up. "According to the information I 
found in their base in the Reich, they operate out of some
place in Shinjuku."
     "New Gate," Hazzard translates, evincing an 
oh-so-annoying "as American as thou" attitude.

...but Sam can't, or doesn't think, to say "toe-ki-oh"... yet.

"That's the old capitol area. It was hit pretty hard in the
bombings, and after ... well, it was never really rebuilt. 

     Just as clearly, she has to die. This kind of a threat 
to the Flame's preeminence can't be allowed to thrive.

Heh.  "Gloria Mundy" indeed.

     Was that an oblique warning? Everyone knows how 
treacherous Nips are; is she saying that she's so used
to this kind of thing that the Flame's feeble efforts
are obvious in their crudity? How dare she call the 
Flame's planning feeble!

The Flame is drastically over-sensitive about _something_;
that's clear enough.  But what, exactly?  The obvious
would be secret minority status; but what could she be
that wouldn't have been mentioned by this point?  Last
name "Mundy", boringly WASP; from Atlanta.  Mother
American Indian?  That might match the hair of the Rei
we know, as well as explaining the motivation for the dye.

     As they exit, her eye is drawn to a fenced-off, barren 
area that nearly abuts the station. "So what's this?"
     Hazzard turns to look. "Oh!" she says in apparent 
surprise. "That's right, I'd forgotten that New Gate
Station was built right by one of the Giant's
Footprints."

<clip>

     The Flame looks at the `footprint' with loathing and
fear, as though expecting the radiation to jump out and
bite her.

Highly localized radiation?  Presumably this is the "Burn"
mentioned in chapter 2, but what kind of weapon did this?
Just dumping raw radium on the city?  Radium-wrapped
conventional explosives?  And why give the effects that name?
Well, keeps me reading and coming back for more...

don't. Are you familiar with `good guard, bad guard'?"

Heh.

     "Give *me* a rest, Marty. Your lot have been dealing 
with the Kingdom since before you got transported.

"Transported", combined with the aussie accent, is interesting
here.  By "your lot" the Flame may actually mean all
Australians, and she may be dating the Dark Kingdom back
to the Botany Bay.

instead of making dumb jokes about his breath and quoting the 
play `Everyone Comes to Rick's'."

Heh.  Using the original title.  How many people are going to
get this one?  Still, for those who do, it's an interesting
alterverse detail.  And it's here, of course, where it's
described as a "play", where we get the Cannes reference back
at the beginning.

Finally, this seems to say something about how Sam differs
from Usagi, too.  Could Usagi recognize a quote from a 40-year-
old Japanese movie, even a romantic one?  I wouldn't think so;
but Sam recognizes the English-language play quote, at a moment
when she should be somewhat distracted.  For that matter:
how did it, as a play, ever get popular enough to be so well
known?  You wouldn't get everyone thinking of the role as Bogie.

Her anger at the second incident of blasphemy doesn't even
really register.

Again, more earlier-American mores.  This seems pre-WWII to
me, but I'm not sure quite when this attitude would have been
the norm.

     She's been hurling insults at her for over an hour, and 
the gilr hasn't even noticed -- or at least hasn't deigned

typo:  "gilr" for "girl"

to give notice. That ... superiority, that attitude of being
above any petty remarks that the Flame might make,

More evidence that the Flame thinks of herself, somewhere
deep down, as highly inferior.  Lara would take more the
attitude you mentioned in your introductory travel brochure
paragraph:  that Sam is getting uppity, above her station.

What gives this little blonde Nip bitch the right to judge
*her*?

The Flame must fear herself to be worse than "Nip", whatever
that might be in this world.  "Atlanta", combined with
Rei's standard hair, has me thinking we're talking Cher here:
a half-breed Cherokee, or she thinks she is.

"Whether he's here or not, this place is a positive sinkhole.
I'm sensing about a dozen active Possessor entities."
     A hollow point opens up inside the Flame's stomach.
"You can sense them?"

Heh.  Oh, well, so much for that plan.  The Flame still
has enough of a care for her mission that this revelation
has just made the Flame, to her own horror, aware that
she needs Sam alive.  I like that description, btw.

     Sam nods. "One of my major ablities is a talent for 
sensng evil." The

typo:  "sensing"

     Total confidence, total absence of fear in her tone.
     God, I hate her, thinks the Flame.

     "I've been too busy killing your kind to come up with 
one," Sam says, wishing she felt half as confident as she
hopes that she sounds.

Right.  So the Flame is completely terrified.

Moon who is their daughter -- but more, by th one behind 

typos.

     And then she blinks.
     Where did all these bodies come from, Sam wonders.

This is effective.  But I think we ought to get a little
bit more idea of what just happened than you give us.  A
higher-level incantation?  But where did the "missing parts"
come from?

broken neck, and two of them ... are missing parts of their 
throats and upper chest.

This kind of implies some sort of berserker fugue...

     She turns to look curiously at Gloria, who is standing 
back against one of the walls and looking at her almost
fearfully.

...as does this...

When did she get so blood-spattered, and how?

This, in context, should mean "when did Gloria", as
Sam is looking at Gloria.

You don't tell us how blood-spattered Sam herself
is at this point.  I think we need to know that.

     "You're not a Dame," he says, gulping down air. "You 
couldn't be, and do things like that. What are you?"

"like that"?  Because Dames can't, or because they won't?
(If Sam just went berserker, it might be the latter.)

around Gloria's head. She already can't speak. A shift of
motion brings her eyes around so that they meet Sam's, and
she can see the pleading expression in them.

You appear to mean "Gloria" by the first "she" in this paragraph,
and "Sam" by the second.  Confusing.  Suggest clarification.

     "-- drew it forth!" the Flame shrieks, and feels the 
fire, more intense than ever before, stream out towards
the evil one.
     For a moment, the evil one looks like what she imagines 
stupid, weak Gloria looked like in the moment when she became
the Flame; 

Gloria really is a piece of work if she could genuinely think
"the evil one" for Sam at this moment.  That's some level of
self-deception at work here.

"stupid, weak Gloria":  this seems to imply that, rather than
suspecting herself of being a minority, she simply had very
low self-esteem, as if one or both of her parents continually
ragged on her while she was growing up.

     On the eighty-ninth floor of the tallest building in 
Nieuw Amsterdam,

New York?  That it's still "Nieuw", in any English-speaking
U.S., is interesting.

     A fascinated trillig fills the air around him.

typo:  "trilling" (I think)

employing guile.
     But what if she's fooling herself, too, thinks Sam. 
Suppose that she's telling the truth, but thinks that
she's lying?

<clip>

     As Gloria begins to plan her vengeance, two questions 
almost occur to her.
Where did the idea for her lie about losing her powers 
without Sam's presence
come from? And when did she start thinking of herself as Gloria?
     But she doesn't think of that. She's good at that.

This chapter seems to be opening this world up, in some
ways, so that it now seems even more divergent than it
has so far:  historical divergence, the idea that the
Dark Kingdom has been running around for 60-70 years.
And the senshi are exhibiting abilities they don't
normally have.  All this is very interesting.

I don't think you were as successful in portraying Gloria
as you were with Lara, to be honest.  It's not just
that I feel no sympathy for her; I don't even feel that
I understand her.  Clearly she lies to herself very
thoroughly, but we have no real hint as to what is
beneath all that, how she got that way.  Lara had a
trauma, but we don't have anything corresponding for Gloria.
All I can suggest is one or two more clues,  flashing
childhood recollections, perhaps.  Trailer trash parents
verbally abusing a five-year-old?  Whispers of "half-breed"
from her elementary school years?  Does she think she
was weak and stupid because she was repeatedly told so?
I just don't quite get her.



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