[FFML] Re: [fanfic][R.5/SM/AMG]The Tears of a Dragon: Chapter One: The Fall [final]


 
My comments@@
Everything IMO ONLY.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.


<SNIP> 94 word explanation of why the 
author chose the title & doesn’t want C&C.


@@I’ll keep my comments short then. ^_^



The Tears of a Dragon

by L.S. McGill

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 Characters property of Rumiko Takahashi.  Sailormoon Characters property of Takeuchi Naoko.  Ah! My Goddess characters property of Fujishima Kosuke.  All are used without permission.  I did not write this for profit, but for practice.  Will be removed at request of original creators or authorized rep.



Tears of a Dragon

<SNIP> 241 word poem.


                                 
@@HOOK? 300+ words and we haven’t gotten
to the story. VERY VERY slow.
Put author notes at the END and cut
poem by 200 words or so. 
OTOH, GREAT title.


Part One:  The Mandarin



Chapter One: The Fall

Day broke over the bowl shaped valley, and turned the morning fog to gold.

Birds began their morning rituals of greeting the sun as the warmth began 
dissipating the mists, revealing a landscape dotted with numerous pools.  
Bamboo poles stood among the pools like silent sentinels over the strangely still valley.  No animals came to the water to drink; no birds flew down to bathe, only the wind played over the pools.  The wind, and a lone figure that danced from pole to pole as she flowed through her katas.



@@ Don’t start your story
with a weather report.
SLOW! Especially after what has come before.
Reasonably nice description, but TOO SLOW.


The figure casually balanced on a pole as her twin Tai Chi swords flashed 
through a complicated form, before she effortlessly moved through the air to land on another pole.  She stood motionless in the final stance, a sculpture of leashed energy frozen in time, radiating an aura of vibrant life even in her stillness.

Zhu Shu had come to Jusenkyo a week earlier, hoping the training ground 
would test her skills, yet she had found none of the monsters, vengeful 
spirits, or any of the hundred other dangers the whitehaired storyteller had claimed could be found there, only the silent pools and the wind.  Even the small guide's hut had been empty.


@@Now THIS would have been a much better begining.
Start with “Zhu Shu had come . . .”
add the other stuff AFTER this, as necessary to the storyline.


<SNIP>
She shuddered at the memories of his roving hands on the occasions he had 
cornered her, the unconcerned stares she had gotten when she complained to her aunt about him, the way he had tormented her and Cherry Blossom as they grew up, how much more open he was about molesting her after Cherry Blossom was gone...

Desperation had sent her to her grandfather to beg she be allowed to search for a better husband, one who  could at least compete with her in combat, and could prove he loved her.  He had smiled and asked if she had been listening to the wondering storyteller too often and thought she was an Amazon.  But he had allowed her to search, had given her a chance to find, if not happiness, at least a more tolerable husband.  He had known her requirements were more for show than what she was really expecting to find.

@@Whew . . .SHOW, don’t tell.
This entire passage, while interesting potentially, is slow. It’s all passive. You’re telling (through self dialogue) rather than SHOWING the molestation for instance. Make the reader FEEL her desperation by showing her physical/emotional reaction. This is too dialogue
heavy. Move it to a flash back or something to make it ACTIVE and IMMEDIATE.

EXAMPLE:

“Grandfather, please give me leave to go on a journey.” Zhu Shu pressed her forehead to the ground in uncharacteristic obeisance.

“Have you been listening to Lin Po the Storyteller again?” He chuckled, then went still as he noticed the faint tremors in her body.

@@@@

@@I’ll stop here, but that shows what I’m talking about. What you have written is entirely too remote and passive for my taste. It would take a little tweaking, but you could make this all ACTIVE . . .SHOW, don’t tell (Narrative vs. Dialogue)

There’s nothing wrong with a little introspection, but it begins to drag after a while. IMO you need to increase the NARRATIVE (show/active voice). It would also make a nice contrast when you DO use introspection /self-dialogue.

Interesting stuff and a lot of potential, but better if you SHOW, rather than simply tell.

<SNIP>

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