My comments@@
Please remember it’s ALL IMO.
Take what, if anything, you find useful
and ignore the rest.
As mentioned in my essay and
elsewhere, I’m now C&Cing based
on thing I learned at Akon and as
if the author were submitting for 
publication. (For $$ in other words)





Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:

  I don't have the creative energy to make a long winded post about how 
much everyone else sucks compared to me, as some would-be authors seem 
to think is the thing to do, so pretend I was more offensive than I 
already was, or something. Yeah.

  Just a quick disclaimer: I've been working upwards of 60 hours a week. It 
wears me out, and I'm sorry I haven't been either posting or writing as 
much as I used to. I wish I could say that I'd be having more free time 
soon, but this month is looking to shape up to be solid 12 hour shifts 
seven days a week.

  If I don't reply to your comments (hah, assuming you find this 
comment-worthy), then now you know why it takes me so long to get back 
to you. Right. On with the fic, thanks to Rumiko Takahashi, Ken 
Akamatsu, and Tatsuya Egawa for the colors.

  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and go get blitzed.

  (Post the stuff after ths line, Larry. ;)

@@Editoral comments AFTER the story.
Separate disclaimer.
Try to restrain any inclination to slam
another writer in public. Just adds fuel
to the fire.

@@@@

  --------------------------------------



        Ranma woke up with the first lights of the rising sun
turning the walls of her room golden, running with a soft amber
glow. She stretched carefully, mindful of the silver-haired girl
cuddled up against her, and muffled a yawn. "Morning, kiddo," she
said sleepily.

@@Pretty. The “ . . .room golden, running with soft amber . . .”
was a bit confusing on first read.

<SNIP>

        "Eight treasures," Suu said, frowning. "What's that? Is it
delicious?"

@@Cute. I”m coming at this cold, having missed the first chapters
AND never having seen “Love Hina” or”Goldenboy”
so far, very good writing. Pace is a bit leisurely for
my taste, but seems to fit the mood. 

        --------------------------------------
        Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Three -- Call me Master

        Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Takahashi, Viz
(Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya
Egawa (Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.

        Notes: Divergences should become apparent as relevant.

@@ Editorial comments at the end. Don’t break the flow
with the disclaimer. 
@@@@

        --------------------------------------

        "It's about the most distasteful thing I've ever heard of,"
Ranma assured the girl, shuddering.

        "Eight treasures? Happosai?" she asked.

        Ranma shuddered again, and insisted, "Yes, now, never speak
that name again. It's _bad_ luck."

        Suu eyed Ranma, her nearly perpetual smile fading for a
moment. Nodding, she resumed her grin, and scampered to the door,
sliding it open and vanishing.

        Ranma raised an eyebrow, seeing Motoko standing in the
hallway, worn and haggard as she stared resolutely forward. "Rest
well?" the redhead asked, smirking.

        Motoko growled, "I had to make sure you wouldn't do anything
untoward with Suu."

        "Just because I turn into a girl doesn't mean I act like
you," Ranma assured her. "Now go and get some sleep, or something.
I'm going to take a bath."

        "That's not fair!" Motoko wailed suddenly. "I'm not _like_
that!"

        "Neither am I," Ranma said seriously. "But there's this girl
I know, see, and she runs around with a sword, chasing me all the
time, and she doesn't believe me. So I feel your pain."

        Motoko heaved a put-upon sigh, and wandered away, shaking
her head. "Watch yourself, Ranma," she warned. "I wanted to trust
you, but you do not make this easier for me."

        Ranma winced, a sudden bolt of guilt shooting up her spine.
The girl had a point, but.... "You want to trust me? So why did you
watch me all night to make sure I wasn't doing anything? You didn't
trust me, then."

        "Nor would I, ever," Motoko shot back, pausing before the
corner of the hallway, and looking back at Ranma with a scowl. "With
Suu." She offered the faintest hints of a smile, and stepped around
the hall, vanishing from Ranma's sight.

        "What's that supposed to mean?" Ranma asked, confused.

        ***

        Shinobu rubbed at her eyes sleepily, blinking at her
reflection in the small mirror near the sink. She was suddenly
stricken with the realization that she didn't know who put it there,
and spent a moment to ponder that, while she readied her toothbrush.
Her eyes narrowed slightly with curiosity, and she had to resist the
urge to giggle at her own reflection as she began brushing.

        A soft footstep sounded nearby, and Ranma nodded at her,
producing a toothbrush of his own. Suu had finished brushing her
teeth already, and then run off to chase Tamago across the roof.
Ranma, however, had taken the time to take a bath, as his once-again
male form suggested.

@@ Leisurely is fine, but this is almost catatonic. I’m handicapped
by not know what has come before, so this bit with brushing teeth, 
taking bath, looking into the mirror, may explain something earlier
or set up something to come. But IMO I think you need to pick
up the pace a bit.

<SNIP>

        "It helps," Ranma said in an offhanded manner, rinsing his
mouth out and spitting into the sink. "Aniki used to write down
notes like that, too. One of them was, 'The human head is not meant
to turn one hundred and eighty degrees. I tried it today. It hurt.'"

@@Hmmmm . . .obviously missing something due to not
being familiar with the series.
@@@@

<SNIP>

        Ranma remained silent, eyes growing large with shock,

@@At first I thought it was shock due to mention of the photo-album.
You might want to clarify that a bit.

 <SNIP>

        "Which old pervert?" Naru asked skeptically.

        "Uh... it's not important," Ranma assured her, glancing over
his shoulder worriedly. "Kanrinin, you and Narusegawa-san need to
hurry up to get to your test. I can handle the old man."

        "What old man?" Keitaro asked, frowning in confusion.

        "I'd rather not say," Ranma said evasively. "But, uh, look
at the time, you know?"

@@Ummm . . .why is Ranma being so cryptic? Why not
just _explain_ things (not mentioning H*p***sai by name)?
I’ve never been fond of setting up a conflict by having
a character be deliberately and unnecessarily mysterious.

<SNIP>

@@ Well, THAT scene was confusing. ^_^
I figure you’re talking about Happosai but the rest
seemed a bit cryptic. Just a _tad_ more detail, esp. to 
clear up what Ranma is talking about at the very least.

        ***

        Ranma marched across the lawn area behind the inn, glaring
towards the trees. Shinobu had realized that the man had a quick
temper that seemed to come and go -- mostly around Motoko -- but she
couldn't fathom what had brought up the man's ire this time.
Certainly, not why he would be angry about missing panties.

@@ Why is she referring to him as “the man? Why not Ranma?
At least don’t use “the man” twice so close together
@@@@
. 

        Whatever his anger was at, he stood in the center of the
lawn, fists trembling at his sides. "Where are you?" he yelled out
towards no one in particular.

        Motoko crossed her arms over her chest, and narrowed her
eyes suspiciously. "I sense something," she murmured. "Something
ominous."

@@<heh>

        Mitsune and Suu stood nearby, the younger girl staring with
wide-eyed interest and a curious grin, Mitsune with slightly more
concern. "Well, what's all this about?" Mitsune asked after a
moment, when no one answered Ranma.

        "I-" Ranma snapped out, cutting himself off suddenly. He
raised his hands, glowering, and stared at them closely. "I'm not
sure," he said in a slightly subdued tone. "I... maybe I'm
overreacting, is all."

@@ RANMA: “But I’m not going to tell you.  It’s too dangerous
for you to know what’s going on. Now, let’s all split
up and search. And don’t forget to go swimming naked
the first chance you get.”
@@@@@

@@For goodness sake, WHY can’t Ranma simply
TELL them:
RANMA: “There’s an incredibly perverted martial
artist, looks like an evil monkey. HE gets his power
by groping women and stealing their panties.
Just mentioning his name can call him to where you
are. 

@@He could have said all that and MORE in
half the time it’s taken him to tell people
he’s not sure what’s going on.

@@@@

        "Overreacting?" Shinobu asked, blinking in surprise. "Why
are you so worried about... about... about what's missing?"

        "Not what's missing," Ranma clarified, "but who _took_ it."

        "Something wicked approaches," Motoko intoned, drawing her
sword, and standing before Shinobu and Suu protectively. "Is this
some fell minion that followed you, Oe?"

@@ This way comes? ^_~

        "He shouldn't have been able to follow me, though!" Ranma
protested, taking up a fighting stance.

        "Who?" Motoko asked, shooting a sidelong glance at the man.

        "Him," Ranma stated flatly, as a form of shadow leapt from
the trees.

        A dark, rounded blur like a massive troll or ogre, gigantic
upper body supported on a set of tiny legs, moving so quickly that
Shinobu almost couldn't see it at all flashed towards her. "Aaaah!"
she wailed, covering her head with her arms and cowering.

        The sound of Motoko's sword cleaving through the air echoed
through the silence, along with the soft rustle of cloth and the
muted noise of footsteps staggering to a halt. Recovering some of
her courage, Shinobu peeked through her fingers, afraid of what she
was going to see. The troll stood a short distance away, but she
could see clearly that it wasn't a large creature at all -- it was a
rather tiny one, with a massive sack slung across its back.

        Motoko held her sword in a ready position, her knees shaking
slightly, and her eyes wide with shock. Ranma crouched before her,
one hand on the earth, the other held parallel to the ground at his
side. "Oe," Motoko said softly, taking a staggering step backwards.
"What... what have you done?"

@@Yeah. What HAS he done? Not clear from this
description.

        Ranma growled, reaching into his shirt, pulling out a frilly
black lace bra, and throwing it to the ground. "Saving you a lot of
trouble," he spat. "Now stay out of the way, little girl. This is
_my_ fight."

@@HUH? Where did THAT come from? And why?
Distraction for Happi? You should say so in the narrative.

        Motoko's grip on her sword wavered, and she took another
halting step backwards before she steeled her resolve. "I will not
stand down until you tell me what is going on here, Oe," she
insisted.

        "Oe?" the troll asked, surprised. "Ranma, have you changed
your name?"

        Straightening up, Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "What
difference would that make?" he asked. "I don't know why you're
here, Happosai, but I don't want you to stay."

<SNIP> really good stuff to make reading earlier. This is where the meat of the story is.

        "I wonder what their relationship is," Suu mused quietly,
one finger placed between her lips as she studied the two. "Is a
Happosai stronger than a Ranma?"

        Ranma glanced at Suu, his expression softening. Standing up
straight, he shifted his combat stance, turning to face the old man.
"Maybe I use Anything Goes, and maybe I don't," he said evasively.
"And even if I do, I'm not your heir. Never will be again, old man."

        "Sounds like a challenge, Ranma m'boy!" the man cackled.
"Your father Genma may be the master of the Saotome school of
Anything Goes, as Soun is the master of the Tendo school of Anything
Goes, but I am the grandmaster. If you don't have their permission,
then you have to have mine to practice." He rubbed his hands
together slowly, grinning from ear-to-ear. "So that means if you
can't beat me, you have to beg my students for permission."

@@Now THIS is where you should have started this chapter. From
the point HAPPOSAI appears:

"A dark, rounded blur like a massive troll or ogre . . ."

or MAYBE just a few lines earlier to set this up. That set-up could be the prologue, Perhaps the panty theft.

THIS is the meat of the story. The earler part is, IMO, just filler. IF there is information there that’s needed, integrate it into THIS section.  Good stuff here, a bit wordy. Tighten it a bit to keep up the pace, but good stuff.

<SNIP>

Overall: Not bad. Some interesting character
changes here. Nice dialogue and narrative.
BUT,
SLOW, SLOW start. Cut the entire beginning, including
prologue and start with Happosai. THAT’s the story.
The rest is just filler. You really get the readers attention
there and hold it. It’s still too wordy for my taste. I’d
suggest my “Cut-one-word-in-five” editing rule of thumb
to pick up the pace. You’re a tad dialogue heavy (more
narrative)and tend to have the characters, esp. the Ranma/Mokoto
interaction, be too cryptic. Make the story confusing.
The good stuff is really good. Mostly a matter of
going back and deleting everything that is not
directly moving the story along.

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