The Essay Essay
(aka How to Try Hard on the FFML without actually succeeding)
Please direct all flames to Brian.  This is HIS idea.  Really.

Disclaimer:	Any likeness of the subject matter herein to any FFML
writer's material is purely intentional.  You know who you are.

Fellow FFML writers, rejoice!    A time of increased equity draws nigh.
Previously, the art of the FFML writing essay was reserved for those
writers who had been universally recognized for the magnitude of their
skills (1), but that requirement is soon to change.  By keeping these
simple guidelines in mind, I guarantee that your essay will be as widely
regarded as those written by prior fellow FFML writing essay crafters.

The first question that most people ask is, Should I Write An Essay?  Of
course!  Does not the FFML FAQ state that the purpose of our list is to
spread writing essays into the mailboxes of the untutored masses?  I
assure you, nothing would please the administrators of this list more,
than to hear your own writing style put in your own words.  Resist the
urge to cleverly disguise these points in the form of a witty fic; after
all, such a medium would surely prove little pertaining to the veracity of
your advice, while placing it in essay form would allow the naked truth to
shine forth.  Additionally, think of the apparent increased wit and
subtlety of the FFML at large every time an essay is released!  If
everyone were to only release essays onto the FFML, the effects on fiction
writing would be incalculable.

Help people by writing C&C?   Posh.  Who wants C&C anymore?

Of course, any good FFML writing essay must be produced by an Authority on
the subject.  Without this essential part, most people are likely to
ignore your essay, while those essays written by an Authority are held in
the highest regard, and are instantly put into practice by all who partake
of such wisdom.  How then, does one become an Authority?  Well, any list
must have its humble beginnings, and the FFML is no exception.  In the
beginning of the FFML, when there were about less than 100 people
registered, if you were highly praised by about 3-5 people, there was a
good chance that you might be an Authority of some sort.  From empirical
evidence, it seems that although the number of list subscribers today
falls in the range of thousands, the number required to be allowed to
declare yourself an Authority has not changed.

This is wonderful news, because it means that becoming an Authority has
never been easier!  After all, in any sufficiently large group, there are
invariably subgroups that adhere dogmatically to certain beliefs.  By
pandering to a subgroup, you are sure to win their undying support. (2)
Although the majority may vehemently disagree with your opinion that
Kodachi would be better off cursed as an iguana, or than Tenchi is really
having an affair with Yosho, by having your staunch supporters firmly
behind you, they can easily take care of any criticisms by flooding the
list with endless character debate and perfectly reasonable logic.(3)
Don't worry about people with limited space on their mail servers;
remember, they LIKE getting their mailboxes filled with manga vs. anime
debates.  It makes spam emails bounce.  List admins enjoy it as well, as
they enjoy seeing the list members so active in pursuit of worthwhile
goals.

To show that you have gained this world renowned exalted status, be sure
to pad your essay with phrases similar to the following:
	In my long years as a writer
	Being something of an expert on this topic
	Those who haven't been on the list for as long as I have may not
	have heard this
	You youngins ought to respect yer elders, ya hear?
	I'm right, you're wrong, nanny nanny boo-boo, I'm rubber, and
	you're glue.
	* Feel free to add your own

A concise list of important points to bear in mind is something only the
novice writer does.  The more experienced writer is sure to make all
attempts to pad their essay, belaboring each miniscule and simple point
with enough verbiage to overwhelm even the most clear minded of readers,
so that what could easily be a 10k email is instead turned into a 3 part
email with 45-80k per part.  After all, the experienced essayist knows
that readers clamor after more fic writing all the time.  And since
everyone would prefer to read an essay of fiction rather than fiction
itself, it just makes sense to write as long of an essay as possible.

For example, take the example.  The example should exemplify the point you
are attempting to make.  This example example, to demonstrate the topic of
the example, might take place in an essay examining the superiority of
script vs. prose.
	Obviously, script is the superior style.  If you don't believe me,
	take the following into consideration:
		Polonius:	What ho! Help!
		Hamlet:		How now, a rat?  Dead for a ducat, dead.
		Polonius:	O, I am slain.
	See how the script dialog paints the image in the reader's mind?
	Obviously, script is better at describing actions.
Even more effective is if one provides an example of the opposing side's
failure.  It usually works best to make an example of a beginning writer.
The opportunity to publicly humiliate a budding writer while being able to
maintain the moral high ground as an academician has availed itself, so it
would be remiss to not take advantage of it!
	Contrast this to the prose writer NeW_B, who shall go unnamed
		Butt Sat Rumba upon me did knot like tis.
	Sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Yes, this innocuous sentence has the
	power to cause rampant flatulence and impotency.  Be sure never to use
	prose!
Remember, numerous examples of the same point will cause readers to think
"That was one GREAT essay!"

Capitalization is another IMPORTANT aspect.  If you capitalize WORDS, you
will make your points seem more important.  Therefore, it STANDS to reason
that rampant capitalization MAKES your essay seem extremely important.
ONE does not even really need to PAY attention to which words he
capitalizes, so long as enough are LIBERALLY spread about the paragraph to
make your ESSAY seem important.

Although many feel that logic is an integral part of an essay, it is
purely optional.  In fact, one may argue that using logic is quite
detrimental to the case one is trying to make.  After all, proving a point
with well planned axioms, and following the rules of Aristotelian or
predicate logic is a time consuming task, one that could be better spent
finding one sided examples, picking on new writers, and randomly
capitalizing words.  However, if one truly wishes to present a logically
sounding argument, it is best to not use Aristotelian or predicate logic,
but your own brand.  Remember, if they can't understand it, it's because
you're smarter.  In any case, Aristotelian logic is so old that it must be
outdated.  Besides, it's Greek.  And apart from geometry, trigonometry,
logic, medicine, discrete math, and astronomy, what did the ancient Greeks
ever do to prove they were intelligent, anyway?

Once the essay is complete (no need to check for spelling errors/grammar
errors, as those things only happen to other people), then proceed to send
it off to the list at large.  In order to hit as wide range of people as
possible, try NOT to put the tag [essay] on the subject header.  After
all, this allows easy filtering of your essay, which is something only
done by new members of the list.  All older members greatly value the gems
of wisdom that you will be the first to bring forth, as no one else has
ever made the exact same points before in countless C&C.  Plus, the fact
that they are rejecting your free advice means only shows they need it all
the more.  After all, everyone knows that free advice is worth its weight
in gold.

Remember, friends, essays are what make the FFML go round.  It is vitally
important that everyone continue to compose these important pieces of
work.  By contributing to the FFML in this fashion, not only do you help a
good cause, but you help yourself to the immortality of fame, for in a
year's time, who shall remember your 4 volume 108 chapter epic of
dastardly villains, beautiful damsels, and fierce yet dashing heroes?  No,
writers are best remembered for their "How to write an Alternate Universe
Project Zeorymer" instructional essay, and by starting now, you too will
someday join this elite rank.

(1)	Note that this is entirely correct.  Femto- is as valid a
magnitude as giga- in the metric system
(2)	And if it doesn't, you can always make 3-5 fake accounts on
hotmail, and use those.  That's the only explanation I have for some of
the reviews some writers get.
(3)	If no one can understand their logic, it only goes to show how
much smarter they are than the majority of the list.


---
Notes:

I wont make the mistake of stating that everyone that writes an essay is
merely a wretched sod with an overly self-inflated image of himself, and
pitiful suggestions.  Ive seen 2 essays written by people who were NOT
content with niche writing, and were attempting to be reasonable objective
(versus SOUNDING objective).

But when one mentions the writing essay, many of us dont think fond
thoughts at all.  Maybe its the snot nose kid whos lecturing on how the
lack of proper grammar is the downfall of FFML writing, and doing so in
passive voice.  Or the fact that people prove their points with the most
outlandishly contrived examples, or compare someone like Lawson to someone
like Bob (who has probably never written ANYTHING before, and is nervous
as hell).   Yes, I wont pretend that I think average instructional essays
are worth a damn either.

When push comes to shove, though, it's not my opinion, or their opinion
that matters.  Take my arguments, take those who shall undoubtedly retort
that FFML essays DID cure them of a bad knee, and decide for yourself what
you think is right.  No one should be able to take that right away from
you.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed.  "Tell me,"
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...


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