Finally, I'm fully caught up with this series. Yay. :)

"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

Subject: [FFML]  [Fanfic][Ranma]Go Home

TSUBASA: That can't be right. I was told that the next chapter would be
titled based on something darling Ukyo says to me! Like "Take me in your
strong arms and...."

UKYO: Tsubasa?

TSUBASA: Yes?

UKYO: Please go home.

Shan Pu swept the floor absently in the Cat Cafe after hours.  Another

Always glad to see someone who knows how to spell her name.... :)

day had born and died without bringing Ranma to her.  It had been busy

had been born
(the mother bears the child; the child is born)

'Less than a year,' she sighed to herself.  A year that had uprooted
her from the life she knew and thrown her into a much bigger world she
didn't really care to know.  At home she was respected and known.  Out

Suggest: respected and familiar.
(you've already got two "known"s in the same paragraph)

here she was merely a foreigner with a pretty face that could hardly
speak the language.

Hiroshi/Daisuke quip suppressed. It's just too easy.

"Shan Pu?  You ok?" Mu Tsu asked, rushing into the cafe in an instant.

The Chinese characters for his name are read as Mu Si.

Also, as before, suggest okay? or OK?

The amazon ignored him, staring at the pieces.  Her life had been

Amazon
(name of a specific tribe, so capitalize)

Shan Pu stared at the broken shards, her eyes wetting with tears.  "I
want to go home," she stated softly.  She sensed her would-be lover
moving up close behind her, but he made no move to touch her.

SHAN PU: Which could be restraint on his part, or....

MU SI: [glomps a nearby chair) Oh, Shan Pu, I'm here to comfort you!

SHAN PU: ...not.

Shan Pu grabbed him by the collar yanking him as she pointed to the
pieces on the floor.  "That is my life," she declared, shaking him
violently.  "Completely broken.  There may have been a time for me to
prevent it but it's long gone now.  All I can do now is sweep up the
pieces and throw them away!"

The vase is a nice bit of symbolism but you're driving it home a little
over-forcefully, IMO.

"Talk to Kuh Lon," Mu Tsu suggested.  "Maybe she can arrange a way

The characters for her name read as Ke Lun.

Mu Tsu turned back, her words igniting a fire in his eyes.  "Shan Pu,
if you hit me one more time," he started but was cut off with another
slap to the face.

"What, Mu Tsu?" Shan Pu demanded. 

MU SI: I'll... I'll grovel for your forgiveness!

SHAN PU: Hmph.

MU SI: I will! [wags finger] Don't you doubt my word on this!

Try not to downplay Mu Si's personality flaws too much. (I don't mean
his vision problems, which are more of a comical thing and might
justifiably be ignored in a serious fic.) He might well develop the
backbone to stand up to her, might learn to show her genuine empathy
rather than putting her on a pedestal, but it shouldn't be automatic. We
should see it happening, not only for the sake of believability but
because seeing him struggle against his own shortcomings makes for good
drama.

"I'm going to the Tendou's," Shan Pu called back over her shoulder,

Tendous'
(there's more than one Tendou)

Mu Tsu grumbled but decided it was best not to anger the elder.
'Besides,' he added silently.  'It's not everyday SHE gives me

every day
(as one word, it's an adjective, as in "this is not your everyday
occurrence.")

permission to follow Shan Pu.'

KE LUN: It's not every day you bother to ask for it.

Ranma paced the room nervously, unable to word what he wanted to say.

RANMA: Let's see... 'My book report, by Ranma Saotome.' Nah. 'Book
Report, written by'... That's no good either. Hm....

"I don't know what I want," Ranma admitted, crossing his arms over his
chest, looking away.  "But I can honestly say at the time I didn't
mind if it had worked."

I wouldn't have minded if it had worked."
(unless this is Ranma's mistake)

Ranma blinked.  "Tsubasa's back?" he stated in disbelief.  He pondered
for a moment, a grin spreading across his face.  "Alright!  Ukyou will

Suggest: "All right!
("Alright" is a disputed alternate form for "all right".)

Nice Ranma-esque plan. Exactly the kind of idea he'd come up with.

Ranma looked up at him, cheek held in Shan Pu's hand.  Mu Tsu seethed
with anger, taking one step forward, but Shan Pu's words stopped him
cold.

"Die Ranma," Shan Pu said in Chinese.

RANMA: That's German, not Chinese. And it's "Der Ranma," because I'm
a....

** SPLOOSH **

RANMA: Okay, *now* it's Die Ranma.

(You need a comma: "Die, Ranma," because "Ranma" is identifying who is
being spoken to. Even in Chinese. ^_^)

Shan Pu held her breath, knowing full well Ranma hadn't understood her
words.  Her heart cried out, as she knew what had to be done.  Killing
him would restore her honor but she hoped against all hope that he'd
just end this once and for all.

How's she planning to kill him? If she has a knife in her hand behind
his back or something, you might want to mention it.)

Shan Pu barreled into him knocking him down to the floor.  Ranma

him, knocking

Ranma weakly rolled up, coughing and holding at his throat.  "What,"
Ranma gasped, "are ... you ...."  His sentence trailed off in a

You don't need spaces before the ellipses. Technically, you probably
shouldn't space after them either, though I generally do myself as I
think it looks goofy with no space there at all.

Shan Pu grabbed Ranma by the shoulders and started slamming him back
into the door.  "Fight back!" she screamed, repeating it over and over
every time she thumped him back into the yielding wood.

RANMA: Well, I--

** WHAM!! **

RANMA: I'm TRYING t--

** THUD!! **

is all he ever did
(or)
is what he always did
(her thoughts should be grammatical, even if her Japanese isn't)

Shan Pu got her footing and pivoted into him, kneeing straight up into
his groin.  As Mu Tsu doubled over in surprise, she grabbed him by the
ears and rammed his head into the hallway wall.  She shoved him aside
and spun back to Ranma.

Akane knelt over Ranma protectively, glaring up at Shan Pu with
determination.  "I won't let you hurt him," Akane said defiantly.

RANMA: Kinda... late.. for....

AKANE: Always complaining!

"Oh god, somebody help!" she heard Nabiki cry out from behind her.

gods, (or) God,

Shan Pu tightened her hold despite Akane's iron grip on her wrists.
Akane gasped and kicked, unable to gain advantage.  The youngest
Tendou's efforts weakened steadily with each passing second.

Shan Pu was hurled off Akane with surprising force, cracking the wall

Suggest Something hurled Shan Pu off Akane...
(or)
Shan Pu flew away from Akane
(or something like that; try to eliminate the passive voice, especially
in an action sequence)

"Don't you ever," Ranma began, punching out.  The first blow cracked
her nose and sent her reeling back into the wall.  "Touch Akane," he
continued.  The second strike struck her high in the center of the
chest.  Shan Pu wasn't sure what it was that broke but it suddenly
hurt to breath.  "Again!" Ranma finished.  Shan Pu vaguely felt the

breathe.
(breath is the noun)

"And you have no clue why," Mousse shot back angrily.  "She can't go
home, Ranma.  Not without losing her honor entirely.  And as you can
clearly see, she's willing to die to regain her honor."

"Your people have a sick sense of honor," Ranma scoffed.  "Murder is
not honorable."

NODOKA: Oh, Ranma, about that pledge your father made...

RANMA: We're kinda busy right now, Mom.

"I didn't say Amazon society is perfect!" Mousse snapped.  "But it's
all she knows.  It's her home, her life.  And you took that away from
her in a day.  Wake up Ranma and take a look at this from her side for

Wake up, Ranma, and
("Ranma" identifies who is spoken to)

a change.  How would you feel if you were uprooted from everything you
knew because somebody had destroyed your integrity?"

GENMA: How would he be able to answer something like that?

RANMA: Actually....

Mousse snarled back, "I would but I'm scared to move her."  Mousse
shot a stern gaze at Akane.  "Akane?  You think you could find it in
your heart to call for help?"

AKANE: Hrt... fn. Voice...

MOUSSE: Pardon? Could you speak up, please?

Mu Tsu had told her upon her release from the hospital two days ago
that the story that had been given was that she had fallen badly and
had been moved by Ranma.  She understood Ranma hadn't liked the story,
apparently Nabiki's idea, as it made him seem like an idiot.  Still it

NABIKI: That's what makes it plausible.

RANMA: Har, har.

Shan Pu sighed.  She hadn't seen Ranma or Akane since the incident but
she understood that both had visible bruises from her attack.  She had
no idea how they explained that and really didn't care.

SHAN PU: I have bruises. Now they have. They catch from me.

"Don't care," Shan Pu returned, wanting to turn from his touch but not
caring enough to bother.

"Look," Ranma quipped, settling down on his haunches, forcing his face
into her view.  "So you can't go home.  That doesn't mean your life is
over.  Living at the Tendou's this past year has been the first home
I've had in what feels like a long time.  But I've lived on the trail,
I've moved from place to place and I know life does go on without a
home.  I know I held onto a hope that someday I would go back and live
with my mother but I've found that the Tendou's is as much a home to
me as my first home was.  You can hold onto your hope if you must, but
please let yourself find a home elsewhere until you either can go back
or no longer need to."

"Ranma," Shan Pu spoke, her voice trembling.  "Thank you."

Shan Pu listened to his retreating footsteps, not saying a word.  Her
thoughts turned to his words about making a new home.  Her life here
as a foreign delivery girl was far too inadequate to replace her old
life.  But for now, she supposed it would have to do.

Well, you did warn me about the ending. And I see why. ^_^;;;

Seriously, (and you're probably already aware of this, but I'll mention
it anyhow) this bit comes off as completely forced. You're going way too
far too fast in the rush for a feel-good ending, and it undermines a lot
of what you've done building up Shamps' character in the rest of the
story to have all that resentment and anguish vanish because Ranma makes
a speech. I do realize that some part of her probably wants to accept
the situation, but the part that doesn't isn't going to go away, at
least not this easily. 

My suggestions for this would be to (1) end on a more guarded note of
optimism, perhaps with Shamps not yet accepting things but with the
seeds of such a thing planted, and (2) for the changes you do show,
develop them a little more, and find a more plausible reason for them to
happen than Ranma making a speech. :)

-----

This was written in response to my own doubt that I could write a decent 
Shan Pu fic.  I hope I did the amazons justice here.  I really hope I did 
Shan Pu justice.

I think that with some work, you could have a really good story here.
Just develop your characters a little more, particularly Shamps and
Mousse. Let us see the changes in them occurring over the course of the
fic, so that we can believably see how they get from point A to point B,
not just the result.

It has been noted that I'm still writing Akane as violent as ever.  Yes and 
with good reason.  She's had attempts on her life and her wedding wrecked as 
of late.  That isn't something that makes a person passive.  Maybe when 
things calm down a bit, she'll get over what happened.

I had no problem with Akane in this installment. She was violent, but
she had believable reasons to be.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Death threats?

Write more, or.... ^_^;;


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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