--- Juan Pablo Garibotti <jp_garibotti@hotmail.com> wrote:

First of all, this is my first C&C,

Welcome!

This will be in "parts" rather than "chapters" since I'm going
to skip over the bits that are just like regular Eva.

Well, I'd recomend not to do this. Sure, most people (if not all)
on the 
list probably know the story by now, but you'd be leaving the
people who 
don't know it without some important info. Also, to assume that
even parts 
of the story remain unchanged despite the changes you make is
unrealistic, 
and will limit your ability to play around with characterization
and still 
write a believable fic. I don't remember any examples of the bat,
but I'll 
mark them in the fic. Still, this holds true for any kind of story.

Yup.  It's just that I have read too many fics that run the same
scenes with only slight changes in dialogue, so I get bored easily.

PREVIOUSLY:  Ranma and Akane got married and had children;  Souun
died; Gendou's brother refused to take in Shinji; Genma convinced
Gendou to let him take care of Shinji.

Ok. I'm assuming that you did take care to explain this in a
prologue that I 
may have deleted without reading. You probably want to put the URL
where 
previous parts can be found around here, or say that people can
e-mail you 
and ask for it so they have a better understanding of WHY would

It has been a while, hasn't it?  I'll see what I can do.

someone like 
Gendo give his son to someone like Genma. Sure, it's obvious he
doesn't care 
for Shinji, but I doubt he hates him so much ^_^ . Oh, if you don't

Yes.  He does.

have a 
webpage, there are lots of fanfic archives specialized in
crossovers that 
accept submissions (one of my favourites is Ranchan & Co. Crossing
Bridges, 
by Tannim http://tannim.anifics.com/)

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990 has many of my older fics;
you can also try the FFML archives.

     The boy started running towards the figure, but he'd got no
further than ten yards than he heard the sound of a poorly-tuned
engine, and a loud honking behind him.

I always thought the car was fairly new, and considering Misato's
driving 
style, I'd expect her car to be in top condition to be able to keep
up with 
it. Of course, this isn't central to the plot, so I probably
shouldn't worry 
about it.

She's already driven in it.  It was well-tuned this morning.

     He turned to see a late-model car, somewhat

battered-looking,

with a woman stepping out of it, who he instantly recognized as

the

one he was supposed to meet.

" a late-model car," is confusing, at least for me. I'm not sure if
it is 
the right expression. Coupled with the previous paragraph, it makes
me think 
of an old car.

"Late-model" means recently made.  Standard car talk in the USA.

     "Alert?  For what?  And do you know why the old man called
me in?"
     "Commander Ikari is your father, shouldn't you be a little
more respectful?"  There was a shaking in the ground.  "And I
think you'll see what the alert was about if you look left.  No,
my left."
     "Wow."

          *          *          *

I've never seen the first episode of the anime series, but, at
least in the 
manga, the car ride was rather important to show us the kind of
feelings 
Shinji had for his father. I doubt this scene would have remained
unchanged 
if Shinji was raised by Genma.

I've just indicated what kind of feeling Shinji has for his father
above.

     "Neat!  Upside-down buildings!"
     Misato smiled.  The boy was a good bit more insolent than
she would have liked, but at least he was still a little

impressible.

Why is he more insolent? What has he done? What did she expect?

Above, again.  Polite, respectful boys don't call their father "old
man".

These are 
details you probably shouldn't leave out of the story, as it isn't
only the 
battles that make a story interseting; specially in the case of
Evangelion. 
Character development is very important as well.

I'm putting in as many as I think the reader needs.

     "That's classi--" replied Misato automatically.  "No, you're

in

NERV now, you should be cleared for this.  They built Tokyo-2, it

was

completed--and then the whole thing vanished without a trace.
Buildings, vehicles, equipment and all.  Good thing only Commander
Sinclair was in there.  He was in charge of NERV before your

father."

Whoa! BIG change there. You might want to tell that this is an
alternate 
universe in the header or disclaimer, or you are liable to get
nitpicked as 
you are about to be right now:
Tokyo 2 didn't dissapear. On the other hand, Nerv's second branch
(not sure, 
too lazy to reach my shelve and check) did dissapear while testing
the N2 
organ, but that didn't happen 'till later in the series.
Not to mention, Gendo was always Nerv's commander, since the
organisation 
was called Gehrin before.

This whole section is a Babylon 5 in-joke.  And the very fact that
the silly universe of Ranma 1/2 is backstory here should warn you
this is AU.

     "...Angels?"

     "The big monster that shrugged off an N2 mine," explained
Misato, "we call it an Angel."

Well, not the original way of putting it, but doesn't matter.

Close enough.

     "
then scrambled the rest of the way so that his face was level with
his father's through the window.  Ritsuko and Misato gasped;

Gendou

might have blinked, but it was hard to tell behind the tinting.

Since you used yards before, I'm guessing your not used to metric.
While 
jumping 2 meters straight up is a lot for anyone, a height of 3
meters isn't 
really all that high, at least not for an observation deck on top
of a robot 
(that I guess measures about 100 meters, though I never did read
its height 
in meters). Besides, Gendo is a megalomanial narcicist
control-freak, so 
obviously, he want's to be even higher. I'd guess the height would
be closer 
to 10/15 meters.

Hmm, can you tell it's been a while since I saw the series?

As a sidenote, if Shinji was able to endure the same training that
Ranma 
did, then this height wouldn't be much of a problem, and he could
always 
jump to the head of the Eva and from there to the observation deck.
You could also just ignore me.

Shinji's not quite up to Ranma's level.

     Shinji flexed the fingers of Unit-01.  "Ready as I guess

I'm

going to be, Auntie."
     "That's 'Big Sis--', er, you should call me 'Captain' when
we're on the job."

Huh? When did they get so friendly? You might want to explain this
a bit 
better.

Ah.  You may not be aware of Japanese comedy tropes I'm using here. 
Shinji is being cheeky by calling Misato "Oba-san" (which has the
implication "woman old enough to be my mother") and Misato falls for
it momentarily, as women her age in Japan are wont to do she wants to
be called "onee-san" instead; but realizes he's having her on and
reminds him of their correct ettiquette.

     "Shinji, are you all right?"

Considering that in the original everyone was amazed that Shinji
could even 
walk at the first try, I think you should mention that everyone was
shocked 
speechless at such a display of synchronisation. Not to mention
that they 
never bother to explain to him how to work the Eva.

You really can tell it's been a long time.  Influenced by too many
MSTs of "godboy" EVA stories....

     "Uh, hold on a moment..."  Misato hit the 'mute' button,

and was talking to someone offscreen as Shinji got up.

Being head of operations, Misato probably shouldn't ask others if
they have 
a "Big Flaming Sword", or the location of the armory where the
rifle will 
be.

A very, very long time.
 

All in all, a good start for the story. I'd like to know what

other

effects 
besides Shinji's obvious ability in martial arts will a crossover
with Ranma 
1/2 yield in this fic, but I guess I'll have to wait for that.

Yup.  At least one Ranma character will be showing up soon.

Oh, and please send me a copy of the prologue if there is one.
Well, that's all, I guess. As I said before, take what you will,
ignore the 
rest. I'm just trying to help. Also, if I offended you in any way
with my 
comments, sorry, I didn't mean to.

De nada.  If I had a thin skin, I'd have quit writing fanfic a long
time ago.

Thanks,
SKJAM! 


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