AJ Andreason wrote:
Well, then. Let's get the party started.
Righty-o. Lemme start the DDRAMV and do just that.
Okay. This works.
Now, anything I say is my suggestion, take it or leave it. If you see a
questionmark in parentheses after a suggestion: (?) think twice about
using it, because I'm not sure.
Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any assosiated thingies I'm sure
you've heard so many time you could recite them gaged in a drug-induced
sleep.
I'd still include a real disclaimer.
Chapter I: Midget of Destruction
The title is solid gold, good sir.
It's entirely possible that Ranma Saotome has dull days. You know, the kind
where the panda sleeps in and forgets the morning practice session, school
is slept through without incident, and rivals and fiances settle back awhile
to concoct their next sure-fire plan to kill/marry Saotome.
Of course, they might just be gawking at a pair of poster-sized pictures
hung on their wall, feverishly scanning the pages of "Voodoo for Dummies,"
or just plain getting themselves lost. In fact, it's a wonder that this
particular group manages to bother Ranma at all.
Anyway, the point is, there could be times when nothing happens. But who the
heck cares? Who wants to hear about the days where the most exciting thing
happening is a sudden rainfall?
This is exactly the flippant intro that I've seen vetrans try (and fail)
to write. Well done.
Needless to say, today was not going to be one of those days. It was late;
the last red-gold rays of the sun were fading away like the last hundred
dollars in a gambler's bank account, and Ranma sat on his usual place on the
roof to watch them go. His pig-tailed hair was ruffled ever so slightly in
the breeze--dramatic effects being what they are--and his eyes were calm and
thoughtful as he looked out over the place called Nerima.
Perhaps he was thinking deep thoughts about life. Maybe he was wondering
about the meaning of his existence, why he had to put up with so much of the
crap he did. Maybe he was worrying about Akane, or perhaps his mother.
Formatting? Why is this lone paragraph indented?
Ranma was on his feet and into a fighting stance in the amount of time it
takes most people to decide between being slowly tortured to death or having
an ice-cream cone. His eyes darted, quickly latching onto the person that
had spoken. His jaw dropped.
A man stood there. He was dressed in a fine white three-piece suit and
silver tie, and dark red army boots that almost reached his thy. His
eyes--one green and the other a burnished, pupiless gold--gleamed
mischievously out from under a wide-brimmed, rumpled-looking hat, and he had
a fierce black beard bushing out from his chin that fell to his chest. The
center of his face was dominated by a wide, flat nose that looked as though
it had been broken and then set badly.
A man stood there? Where his jaw dropped?
thy -- thigh
"No matter, no matter. Yes, we must get to business right away. I'm here for
a reason, you know." He paused, as if trying to remember what the reason
was. His eyes lit up, and he leapt high into the air--or at least as high as
anyone his height could leap.
Frogs aren't much smaller, and they can leap several times the length of
their own bodies. ;)
Ranma felt his jaw bounce off his knees for the second time today. "Why
would I want MORE problems?" he asked incredulously.
The little man drew out a mallet easily twenty times his own size and
smashed Ranma on the head with it. "Never ask why," he thundered sternly,
and then added, "It's terribly rude."
These are two separate sentences within the dialogue. Grammar-sense...
tingling. I'm thinking there should be some kind of break between them,
but all I can think of is to replace the last comma with a colon. I'm
not sure that works, though.
Ranma rubbed the large knot on his head, his left eye twitching madly. "And
hammerin' somebody on the head ISN'T?" he snarled, and small waves of heat
began to wash into the air around him.
The little man considered it. "I see your point, but it's also rude to
point out other people's mistakes." The wooden hammer made another
miraculous appearance, about twice as big as the last time.
And the formatting resumes.
Ranma pulled himself out of the top of the roof, his new headache fading
suddenly with a rush of adrenaline. His battle aura roared to full life
around him, making the tiles beneath his feet shutter and crack. "Oh, you
are SO DEAD..."
If an elipses terminates a sentence (as it does here) it should have four
periods in it, not three.
Mr. Weird appeared to be considering his options--and his mortality. He
grinned amiably, and started to back away. "Well, I'll come back later, when
you've had the chance to think it over," he said, his voice becoming octaves
higher as he wore on. "After all, can't be hasty with these decisions. No,
that wouldn't do at all..." He quickly drew back the sleeve of his suit
coat, glancing at a good-sized grandfather clock that appeared. "Yes, well,
look at the time, gotta be--YIPE!"
Same.
"Midget hunting," he said fiercely, and then threw his head back and laughed
downright diabolically. Without pausing to see their reaction, he strode out
of the room, his laughter trailing behind him.
I like it.
"You said it, sis."
sis -- Sis
Later that night, Nabiki frowned down on a little tally sheet, tapping her
lip absently with a finger. She blinked, and then looked more closely at it.
"Wait a second! Just how do you get a score of 33 with only five six-sided
dice?"
***
I'd think that formatting should be preserved on both sides of a scene-break?
Kasumi blinked and gave a startled "Oh, my..." and Ranma froze. He relaxed
slowly, scratching the back of his head and laughing nervously. It sounded
more than a little forced.
This elipses is used correctly.
... I gotta find myself something else to critique.
"What? Oh... no, it nothin'."
it -- it's (?)
"A funny feeling?" Nabiki said, appearing so suddenly beside Ranma that he
nearly shot through the roof. "What kind of funny feeling?" Her eyes
narrowed. "An Impending Doom kind of feeling? A
Massive-Property-Damage-Is-Eminent kind of feeling?"
Said -- asked (?)
"I don't know," Ranma snapped, detaching himself from the ceiling, "I ain't
exactly got my feelings catalogued. Why do you ask?"
ceiling, "I ain't -- ceiling. "I ain't (?)
These appear as separate spoken sentences.
Kasumi nodded. "Alright, nii-chan. Have fun!"
Surprising change from the English conventions.
Nabiki nodded, and then turned on Ranma. "And I'll be having a little talk
with YOU later," she told him, and almost marched out of the house.
I'd use 'practically' instead of 'almost'. The 'almost' makes it feel as
though she somehow didn't make it.
"I told you, son," a voice echoed somewhere near Akane, "That's Mr. Weird to
you."
Akane, "That's -- Akane. "That's -or- Akane, "that's
There was a short pause while Genma, reacting to his own natural instincts,
fled the room and did a dive into the koi pond and stayed there.
did a dive -- dove (?)
"Not bad, girl," Mr. Weird's unsteady voice came from inside the floor,
somewhere beneath a huge mallet, "but you need just a bit of a twist when
you hit the target. Gives it a nice turning impact. But you're young and
stupid; it'll come, some day."
Repetition of 'but'. Then again, this happens normally in speech, so
there's no reason that dialogue shouldn't reflect that.... Don't mind
me. I tend to ramble. :)
This, Ranma thought to himself, could be a Bad Sign.
Mmm. Yes. Grammatically incorrect, but stylistically so cool. For what my
words are worth, I approve. ;)
Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Ryu Kumon, Lime, Mint, Happosai and even Azusa
Shinamori were all staring at the pig-tailed martial artist in surprise.
Well, Ryoga was more angry than surprised. He was the only one used to
suddenly ending up at Tendo-ke for no apparent reason--from his point of
view, anyway.
Tendo-ke -- another surprising departure from an otherwise Japanese-free
fanfic.
"Ranma," Akane said suddenly, swaying only slightly, "Don't you think you'd
better hide or something? I'd hate to be around when Nabiki and Daddy come
home..."
slightly, "Don't -- slightly. "Don't -or- slightly, "don't
"Well!" Mr. Weird's huge voice erupted suddenly from all around them, "Now
you can see just a little of what I can do. I will come and make my offer
again tomorrow. If you still refuse, I'm afraid I'll have to get... drastic.
Good afternoon!"
them, "Now -- them. "Now -or- them, "now
Suddenly, two snores filled the air, marking with special prominence what
would later be called the First Day of Chaos. How much later? Well, that's
not the point at all. Besides, that would land us in a needless and tedious
debate on the exact calendar, which would waste our time much as has been
done in this paragraph, not to mention it might change at the author's whim.
Needless to say, it must leave one to wonder; what will the Second Day
bring?
...
Either that or what illegal substances the author is using; a popular one
among family members and close friends.
Don't quite follow the last section, and the flow is a bit broken from
prose to a sudden leap into obvious narrative. Bad? Not sure -- it IS
the end of a chapter. Just scans a little roughly.
So that's it. C&C will be much appreciated. Begged for, if it makes you
happy. This will be a rather sporatic fic, seeing as I need a weird
combination of bordom and mild insanity to write it. Not to worry though,
sanity seems to slip quite often now a' days...
You know, there's a great way to get C&C... just give some, first. ;)
Later,
AJ Andreason