AJ Andreason wrote:

Well, then. Let's get the party started.

Righty-o. Lemme start the DDRAMV and do just that.


Okay. This works.

Good. I sometimes wonder.

Now, anything I say is my suggestion, take it or leave it. If you see a
questionmark in parentheses after a suggestion: (?) think twice about
using it, because I'm not sure.

Right-o.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any assosiated thingies I'm sure
you've heard so many time you could recite them gaged in a drug-induced
sleep.

I'd still include a real disclaimer.

In my opinion, no matter how specifically, valiantly, and fully you
disclaim, you are still technically breaking the law, and could be sued and
lose. So, I figure I might as well have fun with a disclaimer.

But that's just me.

Chapter I: Midget of Destruction

The title is solid gold, good sir.

Thankie. It's the only one I named BEFORE I wrote the chapter.

It's entirely possible that Ranma Saotome has dull days. You know, the

kind

where the panda sleeps in and forgets the morning practice session,

school

is slept through without incident, and rivals and fiances settle back

awhile

to concoct their next sure-fire plan to kill/marry Saotome.

Of course, they might just be gawking at a pair of poster-sized pictures
hung on their wall, feverishly scanning the pages of "Voodoo for

Dummies,"

or just plain getting themselves lost. In fact, it's a wonder that this
particular group manages to bother Ranma at all.

Anyway, the point is, there could be times when nothing happens. But who

the

heck cares? Who wants to hear about the days where the most exciting

thing

happening is a sudden rainfall?

This is exactly the flippant intro that I've seen vetrans try (and fail)
to write. Well done.

Um... Thank you. One tried his best.

Needless to say, today was not going to be one of those days. It was

late;

the last red-gold rays of the sun were fading away like the last hundred
dollars in a gambler's bank account, and Ranma sat on his usual place on

the

roof to watch them go. His pig-tailed hair was ruffled ever so slightly

in

the breeze--dramatic effects being what they are--and his eyes were calm

and

thoughtful as he looked out over the place called Nerima.

 Perhaps he was thinking deep thoughts about life. Maybe he was

wondering

about the meaning of his existence, why he had to put up with so much of

the

crap he did. Maybe he was worrying about Akane, or perhaps his mother.

Formatting? Why is this lone paragraph indented?

Pure randomness that comes from using Outlook Express.

Ranma was on his feet and into a fighting stance in the amount of time

it

takes most people to decide between being slowly tortured to death or

having

an ice-cream cone. His eyes darted, quickly latching onto the person

that

had spoken. His jaw dropped.

A man stood there. He was dressed in a fine white three-piece suit and
silver tie, and dark red army boots that almost reached his thy. His
eyes--one green and the other a burnished, pupiless gold--gleamed
mischievously out from under a wide-brimmed, rumpled-looking hat, and he

had

a fierce black beard bushing out from his chin that fell to his chest.

The

center of his face was dominated by a wide, flat nose that looked as

though

it had been broken and then set badly.

A man stood there? Where his jaw dropped?

thy -- thigh

Okay, specify the former and correct the latter. Hate spelling.

"No matter, no matter. Yes, we must get to business right away. I'm here

for

a reason, you know." He paused, as if trying to remember what the reason
was. His eyes lit up, and he leapt high into the air--or at least as

high as

anyone his height could leap.

Frogs aren't much smaller, and they can leap several times the length of
their own bodies. ;)

Already changed. Miashara said something about it too...

Ranma felt his jaw bounce off his knees for the second time today. "Why
would I want MORE problems?" he asked incredulously.

The little man drew out a mallet easily twenty times his own size and
smashed Ranma on the head with it. "Never ask why," he thundered

sternly,

and then added, "It's terribly rude."

These are two separate sentences within the dialogue. Grammar-sense...
tingling. I'm thinking there should be some kind of break between them,
but all I can think of is to replace the last comma with a colon. I'm
not sure that works, though.

Hmm. Far as I can tell, the only way to pacify you tingly feeling is to
rephase. The only problem is...
I don't WANNAAA!

Ranma rubbed the large knot on his head, his left eye twitching madly.

"And

hammerin' somebody on the head ISN'T?" he snarled, and small waves of

heat

began to wash into the air around him.

 The little man considered it. "I see your point, but it's also rude to
point out other people's mistakes." The wooden hammer made another
miraculous appearance, about twice as big as the last time.

And the formatting resumes.

Many apoligies. Blame MSN. They force me to use Express, when I was
perfectly happy with Netcape Messenger, but NO!

  Ranma pulled himself out of the top of the roof, his new headache

fading

suddenly with a rush of adrenaline. His battle aura roared to full life
around him, making the tiles beneath his feet shutter and crack. "Oh,

you

are SO DEAD..."

If an elipses terminates a sentence (as it does here) it should have four
periods in it, not three.

I don't pretent to be a gramitarian--well, at least not very hard--but I
HAVE read many, many novels/esseys/research papers and more, and I have
never once seen a four dot elipses, even and especially in dialogue.

Maybe I'm just young and stupid. Who knows.

 Mr. Weird appeared to be considering his options--and his mortality. He
grinned amiably, and started to back away. "Well, I'll come back later,

when

you've had the chance to think it over," he said, his voice becoming

octaves

higher as he wore on. "After all, can't be hasty with these decisions.

No,

that wouldn't do at all..." He quickly drew back the sleeve of his suit
coat, glancing at a good-sized grandfather clock that appeared. "Yes,

well,

look at the time, gotta be--YIPE!"

Same.

??? Er, same what?

"Midget hunting," he said fiercely, and then threw his head back and

laughed

downright diabolically. Without pausing to see their reaction, he strode

out

of the room, his laughter trailing behind him.

I like it.

First scene that really fell into place.

"You said it, sis."

sis -- Sis

All righty, will change.

Later that night, Nabiki frowned down on a little tally sheet, tapping

her

lip absently with a finger. She blinked, and then looked more closely at

it.

"Wait a second! Just how do you get a score of 33 with only five

six-sided

dice?"
***

I'd think that formatting should be preserved on both sides of a

scene-break?

Not sure what you mean. Maybe it's the young-and-stupid thing again.

Kasumi blinked and gave a startled "Oh, my..." and Ranma froze. He

relaxed

slowly, scratching the back of his head and laughing nervously. It

sounded

more than a little forced.

This elipses is used correctly.

*SNIFF* I wanted to hear that for as long I can remember.

... I gotta find myself something else to critique.

... No comment.

"What? Oh... no, it nothin'."

it -- it's (?)

Definite change. Thanks.

"A funny feeling?" Nabiki said, appearing so suddenly beside Ranma that

he

nearly shot through the roof. "What kind of funny feeling?" Her eyes
narrowed. "An Impending Doom kind of feeling? A
Massive-Property-Damage-Is-Eminent kind of feeling?"

Said -- asked (?)

Maybe... I'll consider it.

"I don't know," Ranma snapped, detaching himself from the ceiling, "I

ain't

exactly got my feelings catalogued. Why do you ask?"

ceiling, "I ain't -- ceiling. "I ain't (?)

Like yours better.

These appear as separate spoken sentences.

Kasumi nodded. "Alright, nii-chan. Have fun!"

Surprising change from the English conventions.

Yup. Wrong, though. It's been too long since I was in Japan, the language is
really gone from me.

Nabiki nodded, and then turned on Ranma. "And I'll be having a little

talk

with YOU later," she told him, and almost marched out of the house.

I'd use 'practically' instead of 'almost'. The 'almost' makes it feel as
though she somehow didn't make it.

Right. Will do.

"I told you, son," a voice echoed somewhere near Akane, "That's Mr.

Weird to

you."

Akane, "That's -- Akane. "That's -or- Akane, "that's

Hmm, the latter this time. Just feels better. Go fig.

There was a short pause while Genma, reacting to his own natural

instincts,

fled the room and did a dive into the koi pond and stayed there.

did a dive -- dove (?)

Dove, yes.

"Not bad, girl," Mr. Weird's unsteady voice came from inside the floor,
somewhere beneath a huge mallet, "but you need just a bit of a twist

when

you hit the target. Gives it a nice turning impact. But you're young and
stupid; it'll come, some day."

Repetition of 'but'. Then again, this happens normally in speech, so
there's no reason that dialogue shouldn't reflect that.... Don't mind
me. I tend to ramble. :)

We all have our faults. Heck, I have plenty myself.
...
Don't go spreading that around, mind you. It'd ruin my, uh, super-genius
reputation. Yeah, that's it.

This, Ranma thought to himself, could be a Bad Sign.

Mmm. Yes. Grammatically incorrect, but stylistically so cool. For what my
words are worth, I approve. ;)

Sometimes, ya just gotta break da' rules a lil' bit, eh?

Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Ryu Kumon, Lime, Mint, Happosai and even Azusa
Shinamori were all staring at the pig-tailed martial artist in surprise.
Well, Ryoga was more angry than surprised. He was the only one used to
suddenly ending up at Tendo-ke for no apparent reason--from his point of
view, anyway.

Tendo-ke -- another surprising departure from an otherwise Japanese-free
fanfic.

I use it mostly for the reason it is much shorter than "Tendo residence" or
"Tendo house" and any some such. The path of the lazy man has always been
mine to follow.

"Ranma," Akane said suddenly, swaying only slightly, "Don't you think

you'd

better hide or something? I'd hate to be around when Nabiki and Daddy

come

home..."

slightly, "Don't -- slightly. "Don't -or- slightly, "don't

Second one. Yup.

"Well!" Mr. Weird's huge voice erupted suddenly from all around them,

"Now

you can see just a little of what I can do. I will come and make my

offer

again tomorrow. If you still refuse, I'm afraid I'll have to get...

drastic.

Good afternoon!"

them, "Now -- them. "Now -or- them, "now

First one. Uh huh.

Suddenly, two snores filled the air, marking with special prominence

what

would later be called the First Day of Chaos. How much later? Well,

that's

not the point at all. Besides, that would land us in a needless and

tedious

debate on the exact calendar, which would waste our time much as has

been

done in this paragraph, not to mention it might change at the author's

whim.

Needless to say, it must leave one to wonder; what will the Second Day
bring?

...

Either that or what illegal substances the author is using; a popular

one

among family members and close friends.

Don't quite follow the last section, and the flow is a bit broken from
prose to a sudden leap into obvious narrative. Bad? Not sure -- it IS
the end of a chapter. Just scans a little roughly.

Okay, I'll consider rewrite. That is, if somebody else comments about
this--it's that laziness I was talking about, don't y' know.

So that's it. C&C will be much appreciated. Begged for, if it makes you
happy. This will be a rather sporatic fic, seeing as I need a weird
combination of bordom and mild insanity to write it. Not to worry

though,

sanity seems to slip quite often now a' days...

You know, there's a great way to get C&C... just give some, first. ;)

*Gasps in shock and dismay* You mean I have to do something for somebody
ELSE? ^_^

Thanks,
AJ Andreason

Later,
AJ Andreason

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