"Caleb" <caleb_david@angelfire.com> wrote:

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I don't suppose there's any way you can turn this adspam off?

if you like this fic or have CC let me know at 
caleb_david@angelfire.com;  ego gratification and self improvement 
are what keep me writing

Just as a reminder, the best way to get more C&C is to give out more of
it.

Ranma 1/2 and it's characters are the creation and property of 

its

     All was dark and quiet in the forest, save for the crackle from a 
solitary campfire.  It was barely visible through the thick ring of ancient 
trees that towered over the small clearing like menacing sentinels, ready 
to rend to shreds with ragged branches any who would dare intrude 
upon the personal and sacred ritual taking place.  Still, the figure beside 

Very nice mood-setting description.

the fire would be enough to make any youth overcome his fear and 
brave the stinging nettles and poison ivy of the underbrush to get a 
closer look.

AKANE: I have no interest in seeing Shampoo naked. Don't I count as a
youth?

SHINDO SHUICHI: Evidently I don't either.

HIROSHI: Shindo who?

DAISUKE: Gay guy from "Gravitation". Don't you hate having to explain a
quip?

     In the middle of the clearing sat a girl meditating in the lotus 
position.  She was an exotic beauty; unbound purple hair cascading 

I strongly suggest you avoid using goofy hair colors in a prose story.

In anime, you can have details that everybody understands are just eye
candy. In prose, details are expected to matter. If you described a
character as having abnormally huge eyeballs, the readers would wonder
how and why they got that way, and would expect people looking at those
eyeballs to at least view them as strange (unless such eyeballs are the
norm in your world, in which case you've got even more explaining to
do.)

down a shapely and entirely nude body.  Her proximity to the fire made 
her smooth skin glisten with sweat, and the deep breathing  of her 
meditation caused her ample chest to rise and fall in such a way that any 
youth would gladly accept tender cuts and itching rash as well worth the 
view.  

UKYO: I for one could do without it, honey.

RANMA: Me too. Heck, if I wanna see an ample chest, I'll just go look at
*myself* naked.

     In fact, there were many things Shampoo was becoming painfully 
aware of.  She'd always been so confident that she'd never bothered 
much with introspection; why examine yourself when were surely going 
to win someday?  No, to even do so would be to admit that there might 
be a chance that you'd lose.   

This bit of characterization rings very true for her.

     "Your a powerful

"You're
(you're = "you are"; your XXX = the XXX belonging to you)

Amazon, Xian Pu."

That's not her name. It's given clearly in the original series as "Shan
Pu." (And Mousse and Cologne are Mu Si and Ke Lun, FYI.)

 The intruders Mandarin was 

intruder's

like cold steel, whose hard edge cut off the sound of the chirping 
crickets and the flow of heat from the fire; cold silence was all that 
remained in it's wake.   "If she's an obstacle, why don't you remove 

its
(it's = "it is" or possibly "is was" or "it has"; its = that which
belongs to it)

her?  After all, obstacles are for killing, are they not?"  A shiver ran 
down Shampoo's spine.  The intruder was real good to have snuck up 

was really good

     There wasn't just one intruder.  She was surrounded!  Through the 
transparent amazon in front of her she could make out a ring of elders 

Amazon
(used as the name of a specific tribe)

The "transparent" mention confused me on first reading. If these are
ghostly apparitions, some fuller description would be appropriate,
especially considering how odd a sight they'd be to Shamps.

kneeling at the perimeter of the clearing.  But most surprising was the 
identity of the warrior holding a sword toward her.  Shampoo would 
never forget those eyes.  She hated that cold unforgiving glare that 
looked down on her, yet she couldn't help but admire the fierce pride 
and determination that burnt beneath them.  "K-ka-san?!"

I agree with what someone else said, that it doesn't make a lot of sense
to use gratuitous Japanese here. If you were going to render *all* of
the Japanese in the scene as Japanese and only do the Chinese as
English, that would make sense, but you switch back to Japanese as
English later in the same scene.

     *SLAP*  "How dare you address me like that!"  Shampoo blinked 
back tears in surprise.  Her mother's body was even slenderer and faster 
than her own.  And apparently stronger despite it's dainty limbs.  Her 

its

mother's blow had landed before she'd even had a chance to react.  And 
what a blow.  

SHAMPS: You'd think being dead would mellow a person out.

     Not just her cheek, but her whole lower face was crying out in pain, 
as if she'd been struck with such force that the assaulting hand had went 
through her, which, on looking  back at her transparent mother with a 

had gone through her
("went" is the past tense; what you want is the participle)

pained expression (and not just from the difficulty of turning her 
strained neck), Shampoo figured it had.  "You've been wasting so much 

That sentence seems overly long and convoluted. Unless you're
deliberately using it to show Shamps' confused state of mind, you might
want to rewrite it somehow.

     The elders began to murmur their concurment.   Shampoo wasted 

Don't think "concurment" is a legitimate word. "Concurrence," maybe? Or
"agreement".

     "Oh, so I see our great grandma still has her strange obsession with 
all things foreign.  She's even taken it so far as to actually abandon our 
village, the village she's supposedly in charge of, and live abroad."  
Murmuring broke out again, but this time Shampoo was glad it wasn't 
directed toward her, though she found it unsettling that it wasn't entirely 
one sided.  It appeared though that the majority seemed displeased with 

one-sided.

     "Damn it," thought Shampoo angrily, "Why she always make 
Shampoo feel so much guilty, as if me and grandma bad guys.  SHE one 

Grandma
(capitalize when used as a name)

should feel guilty.  HER training what make Grandma custody take."*   

Since she's thinking this and not saying it out loud, I'd suggest not
using the pidgin-speak, and also not quoting it the same way as actual
spoken dialog. Either use a different delimeter, leave it undelimited,
or simply work it into the narration. You've also got a stray unmatched
* there.

Why was she letting this get to her so much?  It probably wasn't even 
happening.  Much more likely that the purification herb used in this 
ritual had psychedelic properties than that her ancestors spirits had 

ancestors'

come to pass judgement on her.    

MINT: You've got psychedelic properties, Herb-sama?

HERB: Indeed. I own three houses in Haight-Ashbury.

     "Oh, you think I'm not real Shampoo?  That this is just a 

SHAMPOO: No, *I* real Shampoo. You not Shampoo at all. Maybe Shampoo
mother, not surely no Shampoo.

(When a speaker identifies who is being spoken to, always set off the
identification with a comma: real, Shampoo? Otherwise you completely
change the meaning of what's being said.)

     "I'm sick and tired of your disrespect child, YAAAA!"  With a 

disrespect, child. YAAAA!"

sudden charge Shampoo's mother came at her, sword trailing along the 

change, Shampoo's

ground behind her.  Even if this was a hallucination, Shampoo wasn't 

Suggest: trailing along the ground behind.
(you use "she" to refer to Shampoo in the same sentence, and I think
it's clear what the behind refers to without it)

going to take any chances, besides, the chance to beat her mother was to 
tempting to resist.  Such a simple charge, she'd have expected 
something more subtle from mom.  The only viable attack from it was a 

from Mom.
(capitalize when used as a name)

full arc swing, which while powerful could easily be dodged by 
someone like Shampoo who saw it coming, and then her mother would 
be left wide open.

MOM: But it doesn't matter, since I'm already dead.

SHAMPS: You quit reading mind, okay?

     As soon as her mother started to twist her body back to strike, 
Shampoo ducked, and played right into her opponents hands.  As her 

opponent's

mothers other hand snaked under her black and silver shirt Shampoo 

mother's

     "What a disappointment you've turned out to be, daughter."    
Shampoo stared in shock at her bleeding right arm, blade imbedded in 
it's ulnar marrow, blade which had been going for her neck before she 

its

barely blocked it.  How could she be bleeding?  A psychosomatic 
affect?  Or was this really...  

effect?
(unless you mean she's showing affection, affect is a verb; you affect
something, you have an effect on something)

     "If you'd have been so pathetic as to have let that blow through, 
you'd have deserved to die," stated Shampoo's mother coolly as she 
removed her weapon from Shampoo's bone and casually flicked the 
blood into the fire, which crackled and hissed pleasurably at the 
offering.  "You know I brought this first blade for you Shampoo," 

you, Shampoo,"

scolded Shampoo's mother as she once again held the sword out toward 
Shampoo.

Might want to reword so that you don't have so many repetitions of the
same name.

 "Don't you recognize it?  It's the first blade I gave you when 
you were finally strong enough to hold up a real sword.  You should 
have known I'd have one of my own blades on me too, stupid 
daughter."  Shampoo's mother then planted Shampoo's sword into the 

And ditto here.

     Shampoo looked at the blade.  Then at her mother, who was waiting 
eagerly in combat stance.  Her blood boiled in response and she 
grabbed the hilt of the sword.  She'd show her.  She was the better one!  
Her mother's lips turned up in a pleased smile.  As Shampoo hefted the 
sword a spurt of blood from her wrist landed on the blade.  Shampoo 
started at the pain holding the sword was causing in her wrist.  As she 

You can't see pain as such. Wouldn't she be starting at the wrist and
feeling the pain?

gritted her teeth and tried to ignore the pain the blood on the blade 
caught her eye.  Her eyes widened in shock as it slowly dripped down 
the blade onto her palm.  She let go of the sword in alarm and gazed in 
horror at her blood stained hand.  

blood-stained

     Ducking and dodging, Shampoo tried to keep away from her 
mother's furious blade.  Unfortunately she all to quickly found herself 

all too quickly

backed up against the elders.  Now that she was closer she saw that they 
too were transparent.  Taking a deep breath, Shampoo hoped she'd be 
able to pass right through them, but as she backed up they raised their 
staffs and fenced her in; these spirits would see that she faced the law.  

staves (I think)

     Shampoo suddenly turned her back on her mother and faced the 
elders, trying to look as confident as she could.  "You listen, oh great 
Spirits of Law.  Shampoo will do honor to law."  Then she turned and 
faced her seething mother who was holding her blade inches from 
Shampoo's throat.  "You say law what make Amazons strong, and you 
right.  But you wrong despise outside, for brining back what is best 

>from outside what letter law try do to strengthens Amazons.  But letter 

law Shampoo no can fulfill."  Murmuring arose once again and her 
mothers blade began to press against her flesh.  "But Shampoo can 
spirit of law fulfill!  Would yous kill Shampoo here, or have Shampoo 

Some sort of typo there. Not sure what it's supposed to be.

SHAMPS: Youse guys is gonna leave me alone, or I'm gonna do some accents
that'll annoy youse even furder, got me?

     A great wind suddenly picked up and blew out the fire and engulfed 
the clearing in darkness.  After a moment Shampoo realized she'd been 
holding her breath to try and keep her throat from expanding on to her 
mothers blade, which was no longer there.  Shampoo sank to the ground 

mother's

A promising start; look forward to seeing more. I hope Shamps' idea
doesn't work out too easily; I don't mind seeing her succeed, but I do
want to see her have to struggle to do it.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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