A couple of comments for you...

To the End of the Moon!  (And Over the Edge)

I'm not sure I get the title.

By:  Tannim Murphy and Mysterious Co-Author (who didn't want to take
any blame)

Part One:

---

Usagi Tsukino was not happy.

(And when Usagi Tsukino isn't happy... people die!!!)

"Well, dear..." her mother began.

"WAAAH!!" Usagi interrupted.

"Usagi!" her mother admonished.

"Sorry mom," said Usagi quickly.

Okay... so it's Usagi squared. She's going to spoof herself.

"Anyway...  As I was saying.  You are going to be living with your
second cousin Akane, your father's adopted sister's step-mother's
deceased aunt's daughter."

("Then what does that make us?" "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!")

"Because in Nerima, you'll be far, far away from that womanizing
jigalo man-slut Mamoru Chiba!" her mother said, icily.

Usagi's dad ought to have this line. Mom always had a soft spot for the
man-slut.

"But MOOOOM... it's FATE! My Mamo-chan and I are DESTINED to get
together!" said Usagi, stars in her eyes.  Suddenly the stars and the
lights (what few of them there were) went off in Usagi's head as she
collapsed in a heap in the ground.

"Sorry," her father said, a fist upraised after dealing the blow.  "I
know it's wrong to hit your daughter... but... that was really
annoying.  Destiny.  What rubbish."

...and this line should go to Ikuko. But why have Usgai hit with a FIST?
Seems crude.
Wouldn't a comedy mallet be more appropriate?

A knock sounded on the door.

Kasumi looked up from the dishes she was cleaning.  Now what could
that be?  Taking off her apron with practiced ease,

(Ooops, almost slipped into lemon mode there.)

she made her way

to the front door.  As she opened it, she was greeted to the sight of
a slightly annoyed mailman

(What the heck does it take to disgruntle a mailman in Nerima?)

with several large boxes sitting in her

front yard.  One of the larger boxes proclaimed 'pu dne eligarf' and
had an arrow pointing toward the ground.

"Yes, how may I help you?" she asked, confident that she'd find out
the situation soon enough.

"Is this the Tendo Dojo?" the man asked, as if he couldn't see the
sign proclaiming to all that this was, indeed, the Tendo Dojo.

(Kasumi was one of the few people who shared his dark secret -- that, though
he was a mailman, he could neither read nor write...)

Kasumi took it in stride.  "Yes, it is."

"I need your personal stamp here please."

(Kasumi's "personal stamp", considered an affectation even by her closest
family, hid the awful truth she, too, would fain hide -- her OWN tragic
illiteracy!)

"Alright..." Kasumi's voice trailed off into uncertainty.  "Please,
wait one moment."

Suddenly voice cried out, "Moon Cosmic power-"

The box closest to Kasumi began go glow.  Bizarre, flashy music began
to play, and the box started to vibrate...

(Another near-lemon allusion is possible here.)

until a barbell the size of

a truck axle flew out an upstairs window and landed on it with a
CLANG.

Kasumi put the sleeping girl in her own bed, after thinking about it
for a moment.

(Kasumi spent entirely TOO MUCH time thinking about it, in fact...)

There were no other rooms open, and the dojo was too

cold at night to sleep comfortably.

(Let sleeping dojos lie?)

A shout woke the Tendo household.  Since it originated in Kasumi's
room, everyone in the household rushed to see what the matter was.

There was a stranger in Kasumi's bed.

"Kasumi!" Soun cried, "You've gone and changed your hair... and...
grew younger...  Oh, the humanity!  My baby girl has found the
fountain of youth and didn't tell her poor father!"

The strange girl stared at Soun for a moment with wide eyes, and then
looked at everyone else in confusion.  Slowly, as if trying to find
the words, the girl asked, "Kasumi?  Is that my name?"

(Errr. No.)

Okay. IMHO, this doesn't really go far enough to set things up. I assume
that "Usagi replaces Kasumi" isn't where it's going. I also assume that,
this being the Tendo dojo, they won't be doing anything actually
RESPONSIBLE, like contacting a hospital or checking the return address on
the box. The intro should be extended to show at least initially how Usagi
will be fitting into this new environment. At least let her meet Ranma! Give
her amnesiac character a pattern to follow.

Jim C.
galathane@hotmail.com



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