Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:
1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!
2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally. My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot
3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.
4)I'm not a professional editor. And even
professional editors make mistakes. Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine. Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.
BUT
Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity.
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something
more interesting.
I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm
http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html
http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm
http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html
##########################################################################
My comments@@
Raye Johnsen <raye_j@yahoo.com> wrote:
Watching a Shooting Star
by Raye Johnsen
raye_j@yahoo.com
*****
"Full Moon wo Sagashite" (Searching for the Full
Moon) is copyright the Original Author and associated
parties, none of which are myself.
@@GIVE proper credit to the original author BY NAME.
@@@@
Author's Note: This fic is written as a combination
celebration/anniversary fic. On my birthday this
year, which is in the first week of October, I will
celebrate my fifth anniversary as a fanfic author. I
trust that, in the past five years, I have improved as
a writer! However, I get a strong feeling that I'm
almost completely unnoticed. I don't get C&C, hardly
anyone has linked to my webpage, and I'm not on
anyone's list of recommended authors. I can only
conclude that this is because I'm not that good a
writer. So I beg you - PLEASE C&C THIS FIC! I can
only improve with your help!
@@Put author notes at the END of the story
@@@@
As for not getting C&C???
Well, I just got a rejection from Asimov's SF. A form
letter. :(
Generally that's all you can expect in Real Life. On the FFML?
It's all free and most readers are not going to take the time
to write. UNLESS, the story is very exceptional or more
likely controversial. Rape, bestiality and characters
hair-colour are always good topics to generate at least some C&C.
@@@@
*****
Start: 9:40 pm, 30/9/02
I stand back and watch as Mitsuki-chan is singing.
Under the lights, her hair is even brighter and her
porcelain skin is even paler. Her voice is that of an
angel, pure and clear. It's hard to believe she's a
human, and not some ethereal being.
@@HOOK? Start is slow and choppy.
@@@@
I was charmed when she chose 'Full Moon' for her
stage name, like everyone else, but now, watching her,
I'm not sure that she chose the right one. Perhaps
'Shooting Star' would have been more appropriate.
Watching her, I am struck by a sense of impermanence.
/Remember,/ some little voice is whispering in my
soul. /Never forget this moment, for it will never
come again..../
@@First Person POV is always difficult, IMO.
Many publishers won't even read a story written
in First Person.
IMO, you're better off NOT using / / as a substitute
for Italic script. I find it breaks the flow of the
story and is difficult to read. I generally use
* word word word * or perhaps _word_.
I'm reasonably familiar with Full Moon (I've seen
the first thirteen episodes, so I can follow this
a little. But this would be incomprehensible to anyone
who hasn't seen at least a couple of episodes. This
is a problem with writing any fanfiction. And, I think,
why there are more SM and Ranma fanfics than almost any other
series. Because it's a fairly safe assumption that
most readers on FFML know the characters and situations.
@@@@
<SNIP>
Mr. Takasu looks at me as the song closes, and
congratulates me as I congratulate him. Looking into
his eyes, I see no sign of this forboding that grips
me. I must be wrong. But still, I can't shake of
this feeling, of watching a shooting star fall across
the sky - delicate, desperate, beautiful... and gone
long before its time.
@@Nice imagery, especially at the end.
OK, for what it's worth . . .
There's NOTHING wrong with what you've written.
The problem is what you have NOT written.
1)Unless your reader is familiar with Full Moon,
this story is going to be nothing but noise.
But, with just a little tweaking, you
could write the same story so that anyone could
read it.
2)NO narrative. (Well, very little) You've got
a disembodied voice speaking in a void. Give something
to build a word picture for the reader. Characters,
place, physical space, sight, sound, smell, EMOTION!
3)No characterization at all. You're depending entirely
on the reader knowing Full Moon.
Frankly, you've attempted to do what I consider the hardest
type of story. A first-person slice-of-life short-story.
For this to work, you've got to paint an incredibly detailed
and vivid emotional word-picture. And, you've got some
good stuff, but not enough of it and the timing is off.
You've got to get Pace, voice, vivid narrative and all
in about 750 words? AND in First Person?
Incredibly difficult kind of story.
Probably the closest I've come to something like this would
be "Wild Card" and that was five _thousand_ words.
And, it wasn't First Person. With that in mind, any
advice I give you is suspect, for I certainly don't think
I could write this kind of story.
As I see it, you're trying to show "the shooting star"
through the eyes of a "fallen star". Forget about Full Moon
manga/anime for the moment and concentrate on this idea.
It's only going to work if you give a vivid and living
description of the "fallen idol". You've GOT to bring
her to life, make the reader FEEL what she's feeling.
You need a HOOK, something that in one or two beginning
lines makes the reader feel/see/hear what your "fallen idol"
is feeling as she looks out on the stage and is suddenly
a "shooting star' from years ago AND an already fallen star,
burned out and forgotten.
You've got some flashes of that, especially in your
ending.
So, I suggest you do a complete re-write and FORGET
about Full Moon. Use that as the core of your story, but
spend more time bringing your "fallen star" to life and
not so much time with details from Full Moon. Write a story
about this person. Make her come to life on the page, so that
it's a story that can be read by anyone, regardless of whether
they know Full Moon or not. Trying to fit in those little Anime/Manga
details into such a short story actually worked against you, IMO.
A good idea, with some really nice imagery. I think you've got
the core of a good story here and it's well worth trying
a rewrite.
Good luck. I hope this has helped a little.
As always, it's only my opinion. Write what you want,
the way you want.
__________________________________________________________________
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