Not much in the way of commentary, mostly just some spelling and
punctuation suggestions.

       Brief mention is made of Mr. Boris Vallejo. Not insult of Mr. Vallejo

                                                   ^^^ No, probably?

compound. When not finding new places to place the injured, many had to be
moved back outside of the compound once they had been treated, she found
herself smothered by distraught children in dire need of comfort. She had

I personally would use double dashes--like so--or maybe parentheses
instead of commas in this statement. It took me a couple reads to
understand that it was supposed to be an aside, and it doesn't make much
sense if it's just a continuing sentence.

 
[Well, you aren't the only one to flag this problem, and I am embarrassed
for having left such a clanker in place. It will be re-written.]

       Akane had almost blurted out that this was not the first time Ranma
had killed someone, but caught herself in time. How on earth do you explain
to a normal person, even he is a soldier, about Safuron? she had asked
herself. The inability explain such things worried her.

to explain

 
[Actually, I left out "if" between "even" and "he". I'll fix it.]

go lay down again.  She did not do that, of course, there were entirely too
many diapers to change and too many children in need of comforting. Ranko

I would probably use a semicolon in place of a comma here, seeing as
they're really separate sentences that you don't really want to separate.

[Yeah, it clanks. Yeah, I'll fix it.]

began hauling people away. Akane helped them keep the children organized and
put brightly colored nametags on the children so that the JSDF people could
eventually them match up with their parents. It proved to be a very busy

Oops. "match them up" is what you wanted here, I'm sure.

 
[Yet another late editing gobble.]

almost ominous. Akane sat down on the engawa, to rest her weary feet and
listened intently for a moment. The silence was not total. Off in the

This needs another comma before "and". Alternatively, you could change
"listened" to "listen", but I think the intent you were going for is
better served with the extra comma. Alternatively, you could just move the
comma from where it is to after the "and", and that would flow just as
well.

 
[It's begging for a re-write and will get one.]

present cicadas burst out into their raucous song. She could hear Nodoka and
Kasumi stirring around in the house. She smiled to herself as she heard
Kasumi and Nodoka gang up on Ranma and shoo him outside. Still, something

You don't really need to repeat their names here; you've just named them
and you haven't referred to anyone else in between, so "them" would work
just as well and be a bit less awkward.

 
[Agreed, will change accordingly.]

distinct. Akane suddenly realized what it was that her ears were missing. It
was the sound of traffic. There was no rubber on the roads, no clatter from

This one is purely a stylistic choice, as there's nothing grammatically
wrong with these sentences, but I might put "missing: The sound of
traffic." Totally my thing, though.

 
[We'll see if it clanks on anyone else's ear. I liked it.]

Akane's meteorological namesake had delivered him a crushing blow. She
watched with pride welling up out of her heart as her father wept, but like
the rest of Tokyo, making no admission of defeat.

You've changed tenses in the middle of the sentence here. This can easily
be fixed by changing "making" to "made". Or you could add "he was" in
front of "making", but if you did that I would put another comma in after
"but", and that changes it to two distinct sentences linked by a
conjunction, so I don't know if you want to do that.

 
[Will fix.]

        Ukyou and Akane began making their way toward the house with the now
somnolent Nabiki stretched out between them, Akane holding her sister's
ankles, and Ukyou holding the slender young woman up by gripping her beneath
the arms.

This sentence seems very awkward to me, but I can't really say exactly
what's wrong with it or how to fix it.

 
[It's too bloody long for one thing. I'll break it into more than one
sentence.]

though she were a sack of rice. Getting Nabiki into her bed without dropping
her, or banging her head on something proved more difficult than the stairs
had, but they finally got her tucked in.

I would either take out the comma after "her", or add one after
"something".

 
[Yep. Will add a comma after "something".]

had grown up with had died somewhere along the way. The storm had brought
the real Nabiki back--not that the real Nabiki had no love for money or
never loved to stir mischief, far from it. Nabiki had always been something

Again, here I would use a semicolon in favor of a comma; it needs more of
a pause than you get from a comma.

 
[Will re-write. I have a personal rule; if it needs a semi-colon, it's too
long  or it's too complicated or it's both.]

him, there was a good deal more to the man than most people noticed. And, a
lot of that was less than pleasant to be sure, but much of that
unpleasantness had to do with Genma's skill in The Art. You never wanted to

I don't think I'd use a comma after that initial "And". (Bad enough you're
starting a sentence with a conjunction...) I would probably also put a
comma after "pleasant".

 
[Per the rules, a comma is required after the conjunction when you start a
sentence with a conjunction, which is something that should be avoided and I
will go back and figure out a way to do exactly that.]

       "Vallejo-san poses them very carefully," Ukyou said, her grin growing
larger.

I thought the custom was to call artists sensei? Probably not an absolute,
and given that nearly everything I know about Japanese culture I learned
from anime and manga...

 
[Yep! I'll fix it.]

his yard work. He made a face, as he rubbed at a catch in his lower back.

A what? I see what you're getting at from context, but I'm not familiar
with the term as used that way. (Just looking for clarification, not
suggesting a change.)

 
[A catch, a hitch, a kink, all are terms for the same thing.]

       "Ukyou has this crazy idea about how to promote the doujou, Dad,"
Akane answered sounding aggravated. "You'd never go for it."

I would definitely put a comma after "answered".

 
[Agreed.]

know. Nodoka probably knew things about laundry that would horrify Akane's
age.

"someone Akane's age", you meant, maybe?

 
[I left out "a girl" between "horrify" and "Akane's".]

was Ranma all the time. Only now, there were two of Ranma, both of whom
treated her as though nothing strange had happened, but one of them was
female all the time the other very definitely male all of the time. The

This definitely needs something between "all the time" and "the other",
and I would put a comma in after that, too, but that's another of those
stylistic choices.

[Oh, okay. I'll fix it. Even after you pointed it out I had hard time seeing
it.] 

ass...I'm really lucky Ranma just didn't steal some poor guy's yatai run off
with her. Her and her cooking both are edible.

"yatai and run", I'm sure was the intention.

 
[Will fix.]

       Akane blanched. The last thing she wanted today was to have Ukyou
working right along side of her. It wasn't that she did not normally enjoy

"alongside" is one word, and the "of" isn't necessary, although it isn't
incorrect, either.

 
[I wish the bloody etymologists would make their minds about a rule for
these kinds of words.]

You'll probably still be doing dishes by the time I finish. I'll come out
and give you a hand, later, okay?"

This seems a bit awkward, maybe take out the comma between "hand" and
"later"? I don't know. It's not bad as is, I suppose.

 
[Agreed.]

       Two hours of scrubbing away at unwonted visions and two thoroughly

Did you mean "unwanted" here, or did you actually mean it the way it's
written? Either way makes perfect sense.

[Nope, I meant "unwonted".]

       "Uh, Akane?" Ranma and Ranko chorused. "It's not what you think!"

Okay, so, when did they notice her? There really should be a line in there
about it, instead of just this sudden exclamation.

Hmmm, there was a "to" in there somewhere that should have been a "too",
but I missed it and it's hard to undelete stuff in this editor.

Anyway, this was an enjoyable story, as usual, although I definitely
prefer CtCD. Still, the muse works as the muse wills. I do think it ends a
bit abruptly, and the entire section about Boris Vallejo annoys me no end,
but that's a matter of me not liking authors gushing about their favorite
stuff in their stories, and this bit at least is necessary because it
gets Akane thinking about things she'd rather not think about, which is
important for supporting what comes later, not to mention I don't think
Soun would ever go along with it, but hey, fics always play fast and loose
with characterization, especially if they want a Ranma story to be at all
serious, so I can live with that part.

 
Hmph! My Dad would gleefully pretend to go along with all kinds of
cockamamie ideas to get my sisters' goats, and where did I gush?

Keep up the good work, and here's hoping for more.

 
I'll try, Eric. Many thanks for the C&C.
 
Don Granberry.

Eric "Stirge" Sturgeon

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