Since you appear to have already a bucketful of grammatical advice,
I'm going to limit myself to story/plot concerns in this go-round. As
always, this is only my opinion; feel free to tell me to sod off at your
leisure. (Caveat: I'm going to appropriate a few of Allyn Yonge's
concerns, if only to reinforce my C&C house of cards and provide a slightly
different viewpoint. Gomen, Allyn!)
And now, in no particular order
1). Recursion in Fiction
When I saw you had posted this, I went back and re-read the previous
five chapters first. Thus, when I got to this chapter, I immediately
thought, "haven't we been here before?" Recursing a few lines from the end
of the previous chapter or when moving to a completely unrelated
setting is one thing. Re-covering the entire previous chapter from
viewpoint that's only slightly shifted is a complete other picture. This
kind of recursion just screams "amateurish". I don't know about anyone
else, but I do know that, when I run across this kind of thing, I shift
my eyes into overdrive and start skimming until I hit something which
doesn't scream, "been there; done that." My recommendation: Fold
chapters five and six together chronologically, then split them down the
middle into new chapters five and six. This, coincidentally, would
also (probably) fix Allyn Yonge's issues with excessive quantities of
"Akane's warm and fuzzy fantasies," -- which I happen to agree with, but
probably mostly because I don't find Akane to be an especially sympathetic
character.
2). Ukyo and Money Concerns
From previous Allyn Yonge/Donald Granberry C&C commentary
>> 6)
>> "That's kinda what I thought," Ukyou said, rubbing her chin
>> speculatively. "Nabiki handles the money, right?"
>>
>> Akane's eyes widened with shock at the realization of what Ukyou had
>> just deduced.
>>
>> @@Ummm . . .why is Akane shocked? And what has Ukyou
>> deduced? That Nabiki handles the money? That doesn't seem to
>> warrant shock. Nor take much deductive ability.
>> @@@@
>
>We are talking about a girl who tends to focus on her own concerns to the
>point of being obsessive. How much consideration did you give to family
>finances at age 17-19?
Ukyo _owns_a_restaurant_. If _any_ teen in the Ranmaverse would
think about finances, family or otherwise, it'd be her. Either go with
less shock, or "**Shock!**...Wait a minute, she owns a restaurant. Duh."
3). Akane and Spontaneous Lesbian Tendencies
Now let me say, right off, that I have no problem whatsoever with
Akane lusting after Ranko. Frankly, I'm about as liberal as you can get
when it comes to non-canon match-ups, so long as the author makes a valid
case for them. I do, however, think that 150kb into a fic is a bit
late to be chucking in large chunks of exposition stating Akane's long-time
struggle with desire for girl-type Ranma. The story would be well
served if you seeded a bit of this in considerably earlier -- perhaps in
chapter two, after she's met Ranko and established that it's not Copy
-chan come back from the mirror.
4). Akane, Narcissism Personified, and Woe
(I'm right now going to double-flag this point as MY OPINION
ONLY. It does, however, show my viewpoint, which may or may not highlight
something for you.)
Akane's, "Ranma and Ranko are perfect for each other; I've lost the
fiancee wars; woe is me," reaction seems a bit out of character. It
seems to me that her knee-jerk reaction on seeing the pair making eyes at
each other would be, "Eww, that's disgusting! They're like brother
and sister! Twins, even!" followed by Akane belting Ranma for being a
pervert and trying to comfort/warn off Ranko. Only after Ranko makes
clear that she feels Akane's butting in where she shouldn't will Akane be
able to go into the Woe part of this ordeal.
5). Boris Vallejo vs. Juan Valdez...FIGHT!
A little completely unsupported supposition: If you were to ask
random people on the street who Boris Vallejo was, 99 percent would
respond, "Who? You mean that Columbian coffee guy with the mule?" A
person that nobody knows -- statistically speaking -- makes a very poor
singular example. Throw in the names of a few other noted fantasy artists,
on the other hand, and you have a representative cross-sample of
the genre which you can point to and authoritatively state, "This is
fantasy art."
Also, Ukyo's mere mention of a name immediately triggering an
advertising epiphany in Soun completely breaks my credulity. There is
absolutely _no_direct_logical_progression_ from "that artist guy" to, "Hey,
let's dress my daughter -- of whom I am extremely overprotective --
up in chainmail bikinis and exploit her for advertising!." You're going to
have to have Ukyo do some serious convincing -- or at least leading
-- to pull that one off.
6). A Strange Pause for Conversation
I must say that, from the time that Akane and Ukyo exit Nabiki's room
to the point where Soun is included in their conversation, time
seems to be moving awfully slowly. It isn't _extremely_ disconcerting, but
I'm certain that the Tendos' house isn't so large that it'd take as
long as it does in your story for them to hit the stairs, etcetera. It
just makes that segment seem awfully dialog-heavy. Speed things up;
toss in more narrative; mention that they're stopped or moving extremely
slowly because they're stiff/sore/tired/whatever. It just needs
_something_.
7). Looking for Love with a Shovel in Hand
From "Divided I Stand: Chapter 6 Rev 1":
>"Class sizes go way up whenever a popular martial arts movie hits the
>streets, then attendance just sort of dries up over the next year. Dad
>always manages to hang onto a few long-term students, but never many." Akane
>paused to giggle. "Nabiki says that if she ever meets Bruce Lee, she's going
>to throw him on the ground and rape him out of gratitude."
Considering that Bruce Lee was dead and buried years before Nabiki
was even born, I think it's safe to assume that she wouldn't use his
name in such a context. It's doubly-unlikely, since I don't think she'd
leave a remark like that hanging out there when it's so obviously a
target laden with potential humor value. The name of a slightly less dated
actor would probably be much more appropriate here.
8). Deja Vu All Over Again
From previous Allyn Yonge/Donald Granberry C&C commentary:
>> 4)
>> "Please, Mommy! Please!" Ranko whimpered.
>>
>> "It's okay, baby," Akane said in a soft loving voice. . ."
>>
>> AND
>>
>> "I'm so tired, Mommy," Nabiki complained in little girl voice, still
>> fast asleep.
>>
>> "I know, Baby," Ukyou whispered, then kissed Nabiki's forehead . . ."
>>
>>
>> @@IMO, these two scenes are too similar and too close together.
>> @@@@
>
>So far, this is the first such complaint on this point that I have received.
>I will, therefore, invite the opinion of other readers. How say ye, FFML?
I have to concur with Allyn on this one. I actually had to go back
and double check that it wasn't the same scene accidentally copied and
pasted in a different spot.
That's all I can think of off-hand. Hopefully some of this will come
in useful.
-MFeltmate
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