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All right. I'm going to do this in an MST format. My comments will be
preceded by a ">>>>>"
Here goes...
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: DWSC&C.txt
In a message dated 10/13/02 2:33:35 PM Central Daylight Time,
noharness@mac.com writes:
The trouble with being a panda, Genma Saotome thought, is that you
have to eat nearly all day just to stay alive. If you aren't eating, you're
drinking water--lots and lots of water. Eating bamboo is thirsty work for
some reason. Even worse, you have to move slowly and you heal even more
slowly. The trade-off is that you get to lie still a lot. I like lying
still. Why, I'm better at that than martial artists ten times my age. That
pika is about to become desert without me having to chase it, just because
I'm so good at lying still.
I like that you've gone to Genma's perspective. Genma's cool.
Internal monologue is great and all, but you have to put some separation
or it's a little jarring. These things <> aren't hip right now, but if you
don't want to use them you might stay in third person or at least separate
Genma's thoughts into another paragraph.
What's a pika?
Genma was right, of course. The poor little pika finally blundered to
within easy striking distance of the motionless Saotome and he gave it sharp
swat with his right forepaw. It never so much as squeaked before it died.
"It didn't so much as squeak before it died" might be better here. Also
instead of saying sharp swat you might describe the action more. Somethingl
like, "There was a barely perceptible black blur as Genma swatted the hapless
______" I still don't quite know what a pika is:-)
"Whoa! It's really fast!" the reporter sitting with the research
observer watching Genma exclaimed. "Are all of them that quick?"
What reporter? Since this is the first time the reporter is mentioned
you might describe them more. At this point I don't even know whether the
reporter is a man or a woman. If this is a switch in perspective it might be
nice to know who's perspective we've switched to. That will also help you
frame the scene. I understand that you might be revealing information as you
go for humor purposes but I don't think the effect would be hindered that
much by some more description.
"No, this one seems to be a genetic throwback," the scientist
replied. "He's more like the pandas that were extant a few thousand years
ago. That's why we are so eager to get him into the breeding program."
"extinct" is what you want to say I think. Also, it doesn't seem likely
to me that there were ever pandas that moved that fast along the evolutionary
past an aberration or mutation of the panda's genes would be my conclusion if
I were the scientist. And that would be even more exciting as it would be the
first documented incidence of a benevolent mutation. (well not exactly if you
count Darwin's accounts of Galapagos or beneficial incidences of polyploidy
in certain plants, and Creationists could still argue that the Genma panda
was just a species that had existed all along, but anyway)
Another thing thats just a tiny issue...if you are saying that the panda
that Genma turns into is a species of panda that went extinct a few thousand
years ago, then how did the panda drown in the spring? That happened two
thousand years ago according to cannon, and usually you use "couple" to mean
"about two" and a few to mean "about three". This is nitpicky I know, but I
am pedant and I worry about these things.
"Hoping to improve the shrinking gene pool, huh?"
Sorry, girls, Genma thought as he sat up and began to munch on the
pika like a fat kid eating a candy bar. Nodoka would never allow it. Well, I
mean she knows about my occasional lapses. She's takes a kind perverse pride
in those, but she'd never go for me having an affair with a panda. You folks
still don't have clue about a panda's hearing ability, do you? Of course,
none of us can see worth a shit during the day.
Okay, I see what you are doing with Genma's thoughts. However, seeing as
this is the first time you use first person thoughts in the fic (that I can
remember at the moment) a little heads up through the use of a solipses or
other scene seperator would be nice.
Heh heh. Genma seems to be seriously considering having an affair with a
panda. And he's identifying with them when he talks about the eyesight. This
fits with what Ryoga said earlier about what happened when he was a pig for
too long. You might call more attention to it though. Have Genma realize his
train of thought and think "I really have got to get out of here" or
something.
"Yes," the scientist answered with a nod of her head. "This fellow is
a bit larger than most panda and several of his anatomical features are
significantly different. For instance, the vestigial heel pads on his hind
feet are quite a bit larger than normal."
"Vestigial heel-pads?" the reporter asked.
"Unlike most _ursines_, pandas lack normal heel pads on their hind
feet. This characteristic makes their tracks unique and easily spotted in
the wild."
"Ursines," while slighty more technical, is not a specifically
scientific term. You don't have to italicize it. If you want the scientist
to get all scientific you might break out the genus species names. In this
case it's Ailuropoda melanoleuca. (BTW I got this from a website
http://www.governmentguide.com/govsite.adp?bread=*Main*&url=http%3A//pa
ndas.si.edu/ )
"Oh," the reporter answered, sounding considerably less than excited
with this information.
Typical reporter, Genma thought. She didn't get it about the heel pad
business. These scientific types are gonna want to hang on to my ass for the
next hundred years if they can. I wonder where they are going to want to
ship me first this time? Paris maybe? I wouldn't mind that too much. I could
slip out of the zoo there at night and...too bad I have to go hunt down the
Master.
"Aren't _ursines_ bears?" the reporter asked. "I thought pandas were
in the raccoon family."
The scientist grinned before answering. "There's an ongoing debate
about all that. Geneticists might be able to clear it all up for us later in
this decade. At least, we are hoping they might."
"I see," the reporter said, still not very enthused. She picked up
the scientists clipboard, then got excited. "Do all of them eat this much?
Seventy kilograms of bamboo, five kilograms of daikon, two kilograms of
yams, three kilograms of carrots, six pika and two dozen goose eggs? Goose
eggs?"
Hey! You forget, dummy, I haven't been able to get in full day of
eating for two days now. I'm behind! Genma thought with a mental snort.
"The goose eggs are part of a population control program. We have
quite a few waterfowl running loose in the zoo. If we don't pick up the
eggs, we have more birds than we can feed."
"But he eats so much!" the reporter exclaimed. "And I thought pandas
were strictly vegetarian."
Genma grinned in the direction of his observers as he licked his
chops and made his way over to the fake stream running through his pen. At
least this zoo is good about making sure the water is cold and fresh. The
last one gave me warm water in a pan and it was never enough. I got
constipated. Genma sniffed the phony stream. Hah! It's real mountain water.
No chlorine! I love it.
The scientist shook her head. "Panda's, as other ursines are, are
actually omnivores. They adapted to eating bamboo because of their habitat."
Ahah! So the scientist is a woman! Thank goodness for personal pronouns
otherwise I might never have know this basic fact.:-)
"Huh?" the reporter noised, sounding surprised.
"Old growth cloud forest with dense bamboo understory does not have
much in the way of prey animals, or fruiting vegetation at the ground level.
Panda's adapted to eating bamboo because there was plenty of it available."
The word "cloud" is throwing me for a loop here. Also I think it should
be "forests" and "understories" and "do not" .and "Pandas have adapted" and
"becausit was plentiful"
Right about now my inner child is squiming in the backseat of my mind.
"Are we there yet?" he screams. "Calm down," my superego soothes, "we'll get
to the point eventually. In the meantime why don't we just enjoy all the
lovely panda information?" "But I don't wanna learn 'bout pandas!" , my inner
child argues, "I wanna see some one get beat up!"
Maybe you could trim the panda lecture down a bit?
Actually, Genma thought, those old growth forests are nice places to
visit, but not the sort of places you really want to live. Living in 'em is
tough, even for a panda.
"Oh, really?" the reporter asked, sounding surprised now.
Why is the reporter suprised now? I mean, I don't know that much about
pandas and I'm not going "They eat bamboo because of their habitat? That's
some wierd shit!" or anything.
The scientist nodded her head adding, "Both the giant panda and the
red panda are opportunistic consumers. They've been known to eat fish,
insects, berries, vines, irises, crocus, mushrooms, even rice grass, but
ninety percent or more of what they consume on any given day is bamboo."
Like all good Saotome, Genma thought. We'll eat anything, even some
of the stuff that bites us first. Snakes are pretty good eating too,
provided you remember which end to grab 'em by.
"...good Saotomes, Genma..."
"Why is he drinking so much water?" the reporter asked, sounding
slightly alarmed. "He's swelling up like a balloon."
"Don't worry," the scientists said in an amused voice. "He won't pop.
One of the truly strange and wonderful things about pandas is that their
digestive tract has not adapted as well as their teeth to their diet. He
needs a lot of water to deal with the bamboo. It helps him push all that
fiber through his system. Panda's need several gallons of fresh cold water
each and every day."
"Id's touching me! Make him stop!" My inner child screams
"I've got to go to the bathroom!" Id is complaining.
"Why don't you pull over at that gas station?"
"Who are you?"
"Your female side. You're lost aren't you. Why don't you just admit
it?"
"I'm not lost!"
"Oh? Then I suppose you know why the author is going on about pandas
swelling up like balloons?"
"Um, well... no not exactly, but I'm sure it will serve some purpose
later on..."
"Men!"
You got that right, sister! You don't know what true misery is until
you have a logjam in your gut! Genma thought as he ambled back over to the
bed of soft grass the zoo had provided for him. Now if you ladies will
excuse me, I've had a hard day's eating and need my rest.
Hmm so both the reporter and the scientist are women? When Genma first
said Girls I thought he was talking about pandas.
The reporter stared at Genma, her eyes wide with wonder. The
scientist checked the wind. It was blowing across Genma's pen and into her
and the reporter's faces.
Yeah Genma's probably the most interesting thing the reporter has had to
cover since that devastating typhoon that ripped through the region about a
day ago....
"He'll nap for the next hour or so, now," the scientist said.
And fart! Genma silently added, wishing he could give the scientist a
real smile. Big bubbly juicy farts! And, just think of all those eggs I ate
today!
"Why don't we go down to the coffee shop," the scientist added. "My
treat."
The reporter nodded her head enthusiastically in answer.
Maybe instead of a reporter you could make it a young boy or something?
Reporters in general don't strike me as being very enthusiastic people. While
they might BE enthusiastic, I would say most follow the Nabiki model for
getting what they want.
Reporters are a lot like us Saotome, Genma thought. We never turn
down a freebie either. Maybe tomorrow they'll bring me some sweet corn. It
tastes even better when I'm in panda form and I eat the whole thing, husk,
kernels and cob. I just wish the silk wouldn't hang up in my teeth.
"...us SaotomeS, Genma..."
Genma once again lay very still, but he did not go to sleep. His
injuries, for all the concern shown about them, had been superficial, the
worst one being a cut on his back requiring a few stitches.
They'll be pulling these stitches tomorrow, judging from the way this
cut itches, he thought. Then they'll get serious about shipping me off to
another zoo to be part of their breeding program. I can't let them do that.
I have to find the Master before he finds the Eye of Mefusutafuriisu. Soun
and I were fools for doing what we did. We should have cut the old man's
throat and watched him bleed out before putting him into that cave. Instead,
we relied on the dynamite to kill him. It was even more foolish of us to let
him run loose once he got out of the cave and came back. He's been out long
enough to find out the damned Eye hasn't been destroyed.
A flashback might be better here. And a little more discription of the
Eye of Mr. Freeze or whatever would be nice too.
Well, actually, it's worse. I should have personally made sure the damned
thing was destroyed. I knew how the damned thing worked its will on people.
I should have known that Soun's wife would have sold it instead of throwing
it into the sea as she promised. Nabiki takes after her so much it's scary.
She said she would ride out with her father on his fishing boat and throw it
into deep water! Now look where we are. She's dead. The Master is back, and
for all I know, he's already killed all the others belonging to the Eye. If
he is the last of its slaves, we are in deep, deep trouble. I should have
taken a hammer to the damned thing!
Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been able to do it. It would have
taken me over just as did everyone else that ever touched it. I've got to
remember to tell the boy about that. He must destroy it without ever
touching it with any part of his body. I think he'll have the strength to do
it. His mother, may the kami bless her, gave him her willpower. Losing her
will was probably what happened to Soun's wife. She touched it somehow, and
it convinced her to sell it to that museum instead of throwing it into the
sea. It probably told her that Soun would die if anything happened to it.
Soun hasn't been able to think this thing through. The Eye was almost
certainly responsible for his wife's death. Accident, my ass! That had to
have been a slave of the Eye driving that car that day. The Eye didn't want
to take the chance she might tell Soun or me about what she had really done
with it. I should have realized the day I heard about her getting hit by a
car that something had gone wrong with our plan. Now another generation of
our family is at risk of being plagued by that cursed thing. I won't have
that. I WON'T! We have a chance to be rid of it and we shall, even if I have
to die in the process.
This is very interesting, but you ought to spend more time on the story
of the eye. It all seems rather rushed. You spend four paragraphs on the eye
and thirty-five leading up to it. I'd use flashbacks put in between the
scientists comments to describe what's going on. That way you can keep all
the stuff about panda's and Genma irreverant remarks and give a clearer
depiction of the whole eye problem at the same time. You also won't run as
much of a risk of boring the reader.
================================================
Soun Tendo sighed as his daughter ran for the dojo in tears with
Ranko close behind her. Well, I wonder how this is going to play out? he
thought. The boy is faced with a bewildering set of problems and it doesn't
help that my Akane is such a hothead. He looked back over toward Ranma sat
in a folding chair, one hand covering his eyes. Come on, Ranma, Soun
thought. I don't know what you are going to do either, but I know you'll
find a way. You always do. You're even better at that than your father is.
Soun watched as Ranma slowly got to his feet and began walking, no,
stalking towards the dojo. He's got that Saotome scowl on his face, Soun
thought feeling more than a twinge of alarm in his chest. That's not good.
This is a time when he needs to be able to talk, but he's no more talkative
than Genma is when he's like this.
Ranma walked on by, as Soun looked on in silence. Ryuu Kumon and
Ryouga Hibiki came and stood on either side of Soun and the three of them
watched in silence as Ranma slid the shoji of the dojo open and step inside.
Soun's heart began to sink once he saw the distinct signs of Ranma's battle
aura begin to flare.
"...and steppED inside..." "...he saw Ranma's battle aura begin to
flare."
They are either going to have one major kiss and makeup party after
this is over, or they are going to finish what the typhoon started, Soun
thought. I wonder if I should try to warn the neighbors?
The shoji suddenly slammed shut and they could hear Ranma shout,
"Just what in the hell do ya think you're doin', huh?"
"What do you think, Saotome?" Ranko's voice replied. "I'm doin' what
I gotta do to keep the three of us together for as long as I can."
Soun felt his eyebrows creep upwards in surprise at this. For as long
as I can? he wondered. What's going on?
"What do you mean by that, Ranko?" Ranma bellowed.
"Exactly what I said, Ranma," Ranko shouted back. "I'm running out of
time and you know it, baka!"
"Yeah, okay, but that don't mean you should...should be doin' this
kind of stuff?"
Soun's demeanor changed considerably. Stuff? What sort of "stuff"? he
wondered.
"And why not?"
"Because you're a girl, dammit!"
"Am I, now? And was I girl whenever I got splashed three days ago, or
was I guy stuck in girl's body?"
Ranko seems very sure of herself and in control here. I leave it up to
you to decide whether that OOC or not.
"You know what I mean!"
"Yeah! I do know what you mean and as it turns out, I was wrong!"
This was followed by a prolonged silence; until Akane said in a
surprisingly soft voice, "Sit down, Ranma. The three of us have to talk."
"Yeah, Saotome! Sit down before I hafta make ya!" Ranko said with
real steel in her voice.
This, to me, is a more believable Ranko
"Oh, yeah, right! Like you could!" Ranma answered.
Ranma's tone put Soun in mind of a sword leaving its scabbard.
Nice.
Shortly thereafter, a meaty thud shook the entire dojo from its foundation
posts to the ridge of its roof. Several of the shingles rattled.
"Ow! I forgot about thinkin' that move up!" Ranma's voice said,
sounding chagrined.
"I thought you might have, Saotome," Ranko replied then giggled.
"After all, _you_ don't have the girl problem anymore. I do."
"That hurt, ya know," Ranma said.
"Well if you're gonna be a baby about it, be a little less noisy,
will ya? Mom might hear ya," Ranko replied, then came nothing but silence.
Soun shuddered at the thought of Nodoka getting involved and could
feel both Kumon and Hibiki shudder on either side of him. I guess I had
better talk to Nabiki about having adoption paper's drawn up for Ranko just
in case. Nodoka can be hard to second guess. She may not like having a
female version of her son running around, but then again, she might be
delighted to have a daughter. There is just no way to read the woman.
They've gotten awfully quiet in there. Perhaps I had better get a little
closer and listen in. It wouldn't do to let circumstances take me by
surprise.
Just as Soun took a step forward, the shoji slammed open and a
terrible apparition floated out into the yard. It had huge burning eyes and
fangs nearly a meter long. Its skin was a sickly glowing green color and it
had tentacles of bluish-black hair floating around its head and a snake-like
tongue that lashed the air as it spoke.
"Anyone coming near this dojo dies!" the apparition howled, then it
simply winked out of existence and the shoji slammed shut again.
Soun Tendo, who had frozen himself into solid immobility at mid-step
when the apparition appeared, looked around and found himself standing alone
in the yard on one foot. Kumon and Hibiki had simply vanished. Thirty
seconds or so later, Soun's mind slipped back into gear.
"Did you see that?" Soun cried out in a joyful voice as he began
dancing in a circle. "That was Akane! Oh, I am _so_ proud of my baby girl!
She finally got that technique right!"
That was cool too.
He froze himself solid again at the sound of the shoji sliding part
way open behind him.
"Ahem! Perhaps a cup of tea to celebrate this happy event is in
order," he said as he ambled toward the house as casually as he could.
Behind him, the shoji once again slid shut.
================================================
On side of the house opposite the dojo, Ryuu Kumon and Ryouga Hibiki
sat on the ground, leaning back against the wall. Both of them white as
sheets and having a hard time catching their breath.
"Wha...What the hell was that?" Ryuu croaked out.
"I...I can't believe it!" Ryouga exclaimed.
"What's not to believe?" Ryuu asked. "That thing nearly bit our heads
off!"
Ryouga shook his head no as he waved one hand to indicate the
negative. "That was Akane. She used her dad's demon's head attack."
"Her dad does something like that?"
Ryouga nodded his head as he answered, "Yeah, but he isn't anywhere
near that scary."
"You know, with as much as we got done around here today, I think if
I stay, I'll just be another mouth for Tendo-san to feed," Ryuu said.
Ryouga nodded assent and the two sat in silence for a moment, then
Ryouga spoke up, "Why don't you come back to the farm with me? We've got
plenty of work to do."
"Yeah? What does the job pay?"
"Next to nothing over room and board, but you'll have me and a dozen
other good sparring partners to practice with."
"That's the best offer I've had in months," Ryuu said with a grin as
he clapped Ryouga on the shoulder. "Stay right here, Hibiki. I'll go get our
gear."
"Don't take too long," Ryouga said.
"Don't worry! I won't!"
Ryu (excuse me I don't believe in extra 'u's) seems to be very nice and
helpful here. I'll once again leave it to you to determine if that's OOC.
================================================
Pansuto Taro sat by a fire where he had camped on the bank of a
mountain river, roasting fish and waiting for his rice to finish cooking. He
wished he hadn't bothered with the rice.
"Dammit!" he muttered aloud. "I know better. It takes twice as long
for rice to cook at this altitude."
He turned his fish and leaned back against the vertical face of the
boulder he had chosen for a reflector, savoring the warmth of the fire as it
bounced off the rock and washed around him. His eyes widened with amazement
as a little brown bird glided to a landing on the ground between himself and
the fire. It had a small envelope in its beak. It dropped the envelope then
flew away.
Tarou stared suspiciously at the envelope for a long time before
touching it, but finally, his curiosity won out and he picked it up. It
proved to be a letter from Happosai and it read:
"Hello, Tarou, my dear boy. I thought you might be interested to know
that Ranma and Genma Saotome are doing their absolute best to kill me. They
are hot on my trail right now. Of course, if they succeed, you'll never get
your name changed.
All the best,
Happosai."
Nitpicky comment: If you're going to put all the u's in everyone's name
you might as well be consistant and say Happousai.
The truth was, Pansuto Tarou would have been more than happy to kill
the diminutive Master of Martial Arts and Evil himself, but only after he
had forced the old monster to change his name. He would love to watch as the
Saotome roasted the old man alive after his name got changed, but he could
not let them do anything too serious to the old man until then.
Tarou sighed in disgust.
"Well, it looks like I'm headed for Japan again," he said aloud to
the empty countryside. "As much as I hate that old fart, I've got to go save
his sorry ass."
Nice scene. I like how you mention the altitude problems and how
Happosai sends Taro the letter.
================================================
Happosai sat down by the fire he had built on a cliff overlooking a
mountain river. He had a dozen sweet fish skewered onto sticks and roasting
over the flames, while a yam roasted over coals. He glanced over at his
partner cum prisoner, formerly the curator of the Tokyo Museum of Gemology
and grinned evilly at the man as he took one of the sweet and bit into it.
The man was famished and cold. He all but drooled as he watched Happosai
eat. The frail curator tested his bonds again in an effort to get nearer the
fire. Happosai laughed at him in the red light of a rapidly dying day.
Um...while I know what you mean, you might want to get rid of the word
"cum" especially when in appears in a scene with Happosai:-)
"...Gemology, and..."
"...grinned evily at the man. He took one of the sweet___?___ and bit
into it. The curator all but drooled..." You had a problem with subjects
here. It sounds at first read that the curator is the one who bites in into
the sweet...something.
(He is a danger to us!) the voice in Happosai's head observed.
You might want to use something a little less common that parenthesis to
indicate telepathy. ~ is my favorite."
"I know, Master," Happosai answered aloud, "but not for much longer."
(He causes you to leave a trail that might be followed by a skilled
tracker.)
"Hah! Genma Saotome was never worth a damn at tracking anything, try
as I did to teach him!" Happosai answered. "By the time he catches up, it
will be too late."
(There are others...)
"I know, Master," Happosai said. "I'm counting on that."
(You should be more respectful, Happosai, the course you have chosen
is most dangerous.)
"And promises the greatest rewards as well," Happosai answered.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
(As you will, my apprentice, but remember the rules. There will be no
mercy granted if you fail.)
"I understand, Master," Happosai said, as he finished consuming the
last of the sweet fish. The former curator sagged into despair. Happosai
enjoyed watching him.
I guess I'll wait until its dark and he's gone to sleep, Happosai thought.
That would be the kindest thing to do, but what for? I'd be depriving the
fool of one last thrill. Isn't that equally cruel?
Happosai smiled benignly at the curator as he walked over to him and
said, "I guess you're pretty hungry, aren't you smart boy?"
"...aren't you, smart boy" missing comma.
The man gulped and nodded his head.
"I was going to let you have that yam," Happosai said as cut the rope
tethering the curator to a tree, "but I think you need a little protein,
don't you?"
The curator stared at Happosai, obviously baffled. Happosai suddenly
found himself despising the skinny little man with his balding head, his
bulging eyes and thick glasses.
"Wouldn't you like some roasted fish to go with that yam?" Happosai
asked in a kindly voice.
The curator eagerly nodded his head.
"Then go catch your own!" Happosai exclaimed as he pitched the
unsuspecting man over the side of the cliff. He laughed at the glimpse he
got of the terror stricken man's face in the instant before he plummeted
toward the river far below. Happosai looked over the edge as the man fell
and shouted after him, "Remember to get your hands in close to 'em before
you try to make any sudden moves!"
{dyes hair blonde} I don't understand! Is Happosai training the curator?
Why would he want to train him if he doesn't like him?
The man never even so much as screamed. Happosai laughed anyway,
delighting in the gruesomely terminal joke he had just played on his
erstwhile rival.
"The others will be working their way up this cliff tomorrow, and I'll be
waiting for them," Happosai said to the gathering night. "They'll never know
what hit 'em!"
He walked over to the fire and tested the yam. It was nice and
tender.
"Ah, this one is perfect!" Happosai said around a mouthful of the
roasted tuber. "Too bad I didn't bring any butter."
Ooh that's cold!....But not as cold as Bud Ice:-)
================================================
I didn't see any problems with the last scene. Or maybe it was
too...titalating for me to notice them. I like the new direction the fic is
going. It'd be nice to see some connection between the Typhoon and the Eye of
Mefusutafuriisu (that really is a mouth ful by the way). But it's not
necessary. The main problem is with the beginning. The panda stuff is cute
and all, but it goes on far too long. If you could just organise that better
the chapter as a whole would improve dramatically. Thanks,
-W.B.R.
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