My promised C&C of everything in Chapter 1 to date. As usual, haven't read
anyone else's comments, so don't know if I've addressed something already
dealt with.

(Later note)
I wrote that on last monday, so missed your email on tuesday about
finalization of the chapter.  I seem to be doing that alot with you. -_-

Oh well...it's mostly small gramatical changes.  Nothing too major.

In general, there were more of the weird spacing issues, and word
coverting

fiancee to fiancie and such...

No animals came to the water to drink; no birds flew down to bathe, only
the wind played over the pools.

The semi seems out of place.  I'd probably just change it to a comma, or
switchit with with the one between 'bathe' and 'only'

Only the haughty, arrogant look of pride on his face marred the image of
nobility.

Funny.  I thought most nobles were haughty. ^_^

...Or tried to.

As a continuation of a sentance, I believe 'Or' should be lowercase.

Honor demanded she produce an heir, whatever her desires.  Ranma
possibly offered a chance to satisfy both ... yet she could not commit
to a marriage that might not be suitable.

Seems an odd statement, that last bit.  What is the criterion for
'suitable', given that she's already addressed the female and the heir
aspects.

She had at best a fifty-fifty chance without calling on her clan's
secret techniques, and it wasn't even certain then.

Hmm...replace 'it' with 'she' or the last phrase with 'and even then, the
odds wouldn't be too badly against him.

Ranma was at least a martial artist of near her caliber, or above.

Remove 'of'

Against opponent who never fight before, Ranma probably win quick."

You know, that could be construed as insulting. ^_^

 As it was, he'd managed to learn un-armed counters to almost all of her
sword techniques in a few hours.

No dash needed in 'un-armed'

about last night.  He'd been convinced at first that he had irreparably
damaged himself experimenting, but Zhu Shu had been the calm rock in the
storm he had needed.

*blinks*

I missed this the first time.  Expermenting? ^_^;;;

She was a warrior; proud of her strength, and for her, losing to Ranma
had been a shame beyond bearing, redeemable only with Ranma's death.

I would remove the semicolon.  The second half does not make a sentance,
after all.

---
#2

He'd even looked forward to meeting the Tendos- friends of Genma's that

they were going to stay with for awhile....

Why the dash?  I think a comma *might* work better, though am unsure if
that's correct or not.

"Picking my fiancie for me,"

'Fiancie' -> fiancee

After losing Ranma  in China,

Extra space

She tried to turn to bite her,or get her claws into her, but try as she
might she couldn't reach .

Extra space between reach and period

She rubbed her eyes, glad her year of wondering had aquainted her with
at least a semblance of how to survive in a city, though Tokyo itself
had stunned her with it's sheer immensity.

Extra space between sheer and immensity
it's = its

At the Nurses office, a few small bolts from Lums fingertips cleared off
the small crowd of boys from before the door, and they entered the small
office.

At the nurse's office, a few small bolts from Lum's fingertips...

"I don't know about setting up a date for you,dear.

Space after comma.

"Why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Nabiki asked, ever
logical.

Never logical, Akane could only say, "Because I'm afraid!!"

Heh. ^_^

"At least we finally found her.  When she dissappeared like that, I was
afraid Big Sis had flipped or something."

I think 'Big Sis' should be lowercase.

Yet for that brief instant, he had seemed ...  old and frail....

Might not need the ellipses in the middle.

And to top it off, he'd molested him in the pool!

Technically ambiguous (although we all know who was molesting whom).

And to top it off, the self-centered fool had molested him in the pool!

And to top it off, he'd molested him in the pool!  And to add insult to
injury, Kuno had gone and insulted his bravery, so he had had to beat
him into the ground!

Two consecutive sentances starting with 'And'.

"Well, you were drinking for most of a week before Urd and I saw the

transmittal beam.

Assuming that Urd = Skuld in this case.

Much bad Karma.  Only sought to stop from casting spell first night.

Hmm...is 'Karma' a proper noun?  I thought it was just a noun.

<snip>

The mall scene is much improved. ^_^

She kept running through alternate timelines, amazed by the sheer number
of possibilities.

extranious space between 'of' and 'possibilities'

Zhu Shu stood at side wall of the shrine, the senshi before her dressed
in their physical education outfits in lieu of gi.

senshi = Senshi?  (Maybe?  Depends on if you're using it as a job
description, or a title).

He whispered, "lovely" just before her foot impacted with his face, and
he crashed to the ground once again.

I heard that youma say that in the Sailor Moon anime when they die. :p

From her vantage in a squirrel's nest, the Chibi Urd who was watching
Zhu Shu stared in amazement.

Stylistic preference: Would a dash between Chibi and Urd be better?

"Come on!  Fight back!" Akane yelled as Ranma dodged "How can I work out
my stress if you won't fight ?!"

Extra space after 'fight'.

"Blew it!" he cat called

Forgot to end with a period.


Hmm...I can sort of see why people were complaining about the UY scene.
It's somewhat long. ^_^

I stopped correcting spacing, and the 'fiancie' spelling, since
you mentioned it was Word.  (arg. WHY use Word?)  Just be aware that they
exist.

---
#3 (blarg.  I noticed later that "chapter #4" is the same as this.  I
suppose you made corrections, too...oh well.  Take what works, discard
what is no longer relevant.)

Akane scooted over to lean against Ranma, not caring that they were both
female.  "So what was it you saw.?"

.? = ?

"She's all right."  She told a worried Ranma.  "She's just exhausted all

her ki.  She just needs sleep is all.  Poor dear."

How does she know that?  Probably better to just say 'She's exhausted'.

She'd been the epitome of traditional Chinese femininity.

Tiny feet?  That was considered attractive, centuries ago. ^_^

"Miss Nabiki!  I just got this from an agent on the subways!  It was
taken less than two hours ago!  I got him to hold onto the negatives
until you told us what to do!"

Too many exclaimation points!  Having so many together at once mitigates
their effect!  Try to avoid doing that!  ^_^

"I thought it might be safer.  Doctor Tofu gets so distracted when I'm
around."  Kasumi gave her a glowing smile.

She doesn't know that.  She just thinks he's a silly man.

But think they tong.

Best to explain what a tong is in the author's notes for this chapter.  I
can see people wondering why barbequeue tongs are trying to kill her. ^_^

---
#5

<snip Luna scene>

Massive ! use again...

"Humph!  Well anyone would look cute to you if they wore a skirt like
that!"

Better not have the pricipal dress up like that, then. :p

The rest...nice.  I liked the pacing, lots of emphasis on the fight scene
first, then not dragging it out later.  I can't say that about the scenes
in most fics.

^_^

---
Addendum

"Wonderful!"  the Oni flew down to give Zhu Shu a hug.

*ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK* :p

Monday morning was a change of pace as it was Zhu Shu's first day of
school.  Her grandfather's permission had arrived on Sunday along with
paperwork detailing her "schooling".

Just occured to me.  Two days?  That's awfully fast, considering that
they're in seperate countries, and that the village is supposed to be out
of the way...

<R-A fight>

The dialouge is fine.  I'm still as skeptical to the "Listen to the Voice
of Reason, And It Will Be Okay" scene, though...

---
#6

Ranma gave her a wide eye look.  "How about commenting on wide hips?"

This struck me as hillarious, for some god unknown reason. ^_^

Zhu Shu gave Nabiki a sidelong glance.  "No, not think Nabiki like.
Nabiki not like girls like Zhu Shu like girls."

So...basically, what you're saying here is that this is Combat Fanservice.
That sounds REALLY weird, and is probably not what you meant. :p

"Yes.  Shiva god of Dance, and Destruction."

Capital 'G'

Again, I beg you to come to Tokyo with all haste as the time of this
event is not entirely certain, but will occur, with Kami-Sama's
blessing, within the fortnight.

If the letter is in Chinese, then it would not say 'Kami-sama'

"Yeah, he used to steal okonomiyaki from my dad's yata.  We used to
spar, and hang out together.  You say he's got a Fiancie?"

Lowercase f in Fiancee.

"So?  Is true.  It not stop Kuno, or half boys in school try date.  Zhu
Shu get forty stuffies this week!"

Stuffies?

But finally, on Sunday evening, as they were reading the weeks Sunday
digest, Akane decided she wanted to talk.

week's

"No.  Akane just not develop curves.  Concentrate on strength, not form.
Keep help with students, Akane get rounder."

I have no idea as to how she reaches this conclusion.

---
#6 revision

  Nabiki was even in a very good mood for some reason.  Zhu Shu had
started to help with the dishes, only to have Kasumi shoo her out to the
garden to rest.

The garden, and not her room?

Zhu Shu nodded no.  "Kasumi tell."

Shook her head.  Nodding means agreement.

<snip Amazons>
I liked the letter better without the _ padding.

Zhu Shu gave her a sidelong glance.  "If Zhu Shu teach exercise, Akane
get bigger."

Akane laughed softly.  "You think he'll stop calling me sexless then?"

Ahhh...that made much more sense than the previous dialouge. ^_^

---
#7

The comments I made last time I C&Ced this chapter, I still maintain.  The

Uber-rich Seemingly Made For Nabiki character is annoying, etc, etc...

And I SO want to make a joke about the "Push Button" line.  ^_^

Zhu Shu nodded.  "Thought shame let fine hair go waste."

You can spread it around gardens.  Supposedly, it keeps wild animals away
for a day or two.

---
#8

Give her a month, and Ucchan's would re-open for business, and Ranma
would meet his just rewards.

I would say 'just desserts', but I am probably biased since that is the
title of the second fic I ever wrote. ^_^

"We get."  Genma said, a determined look on his face.

"We'll get whatever you need."
Genma should be able to speak proper Japanese. ^_^

The thought of a razor down there made him cringe

Missing a period at the end.

My, you really ARE into this fanservice, aren't you. :p

"Don't cha think that's enough?" Ranma asked casually. "I mean, You've
already won right?"

Lowercase 'Y'

"You see, this next match is Rhythmic Gymnastic Wrestling!"

Wrestling?  Was it called that?

Akane's eyes narrowed.  "What's in it for you."

Question mark at the end of the quoted statement.

"Now, My Ranma. Be brave."

My should be lowercase.

Least he doesn't have to spend the night on the roof this time.  ^_^

"Duty is as heavy as a mountain, Little Mouse, yet we must fulfill it
nonetheless. To do otherwise robs us of honor."

Another Jordanism.  Well, actually, I don't think he came up with the
'duty' quote, but he emphasized it enough. ^_^

I noticed that you didn't capitalize the 'H' in honor here, as you did in
the earlier chapters.  Pick one way, and stay consistant with it.  (I
personally like the lowercase better.  I don't think there needs to be the
emphasis you were placing on it.)

"Dummy!" Rei was furious. "How blind can you be!"

"Well, I didn't know. No-one told me." Usagi whined as she rubbed her
head.

<snip>

Heh.  Nice scene.

"Zhu-chan? What is it like to make love to another girl?"  Akane asked

in a quiet tone, her eyes searching for Zhu Shu's

Missing a period at the end. Where does one massage a shoulder?  I'd
always assumed it was from behind, in which case, Akane's action of trying
to meet Zhu Shu's eyes will give her neck problems.

Zhu Shu sat there a long time, the warmth of Akane's body doing little
to fight the chill of old angers and regrets.

I never heard of anger or regret described as a 'chill' before.

"Honor be damned" Akane whispered, tears in her eyes.

Should terminate quotation with punctuation.  Which one, I'm not sure
anymore.  I was always a fan of logical quoting, but most people are not.

It didn't matter anyway, so long as the Chinese girl was out of the way.^

Strange charcter at the end of this line.

"You're jealous of me?  Over Ranma?" She smiled. "Who would have
figured.

Question mark at the end of 'figured'.

<snip talk>

Heh.  I'll laugh if Nabiki ends up being the ultra-conservative character
in this fic. ^_^

"Huh."  The question caught him by surprise.  "Uh ...nothing much I
guess ... When we got to school Kuno's crazy sister attacked Akane and
tried to glue herself to me.  And Akane got mad when I tried to tell
Kodachi I had a fiance.  Then Kodachi challenged Akane ... that if she
lost the match next week, she had to give me up too ... and that idiot
Kuno encouraged her.  I can't believe she went along with it.  I dunno
... maybe she wants to get rid of me ... I can't make heads or tails of
her ... one minute she's so ... um ... well ... she can be really nice
you know, then bam she's angry and I getting yelled at.  At least she
hasn't hit me for a while.  I can't figure her out.  And now at dinner,
she looked at me the whole meal and I couldn't tell if she was mad at
me, or what ...."

Hmm...remember what...I mentioned...earlier...about
mitigation...of...effect from overuse...of punctuation?  :p

<<Why?>> a voice whispered back ... barely loud enough to hear.

Why the <<>> ?

(after reading on...)
Instead of the brackets, you might rephrase the line instead.

"Why?" whispered a voice in his head, as if it were his own thought.

Or something like that.

She wanted her sister to succeed in her present task, and was worried
that Kami-Sama had given what was proving such a difficult case to Urd.
She had been instructed she was allowed to aid Urd if asked, and hoped
Kami-Sama wouldn't viewthis as overstepping her bounds....

Lowercase s on '-Sama', since it's not a name.
I would also recommend replacing 'instructed' with 'informed', or 'She had
been given permission to aid Urd if she were asked, and...'

"You are here to learn the Dance of Shiva, and in doing, you will learn
the art of the ribbon.

It would be cool if Akane were to actually fight this match for once. ^_^

"Because ... because I did not have a choice. Shan Pu gave Ranma the
Kiss of Death when he defeated her.  By Amazon law she would have hunted
Ranma down and killed him, believing him female, but I told the Amazons

<snip>

It's hard to believe she's still concentrating, so how is she speaking
with improved grammar here?  (In fact, exactly how does one concentrate to
improve one's grammar?  I know plenty of people who could use the trick.
^_^)

"Will ... will I like her."

Question mark.

"Oh.  It's you.  You ok?  It sounded like you were pushing pretty hard
in there earlier."

"And those moans and screams!  Sounded like it was pure torture.  Look,
even your back is marked up." ^_^

"I think, in many ways, I'm finer than I ever have been before
Ran-chan."

Ran-chan?  She's going to start cooking oknomiyaki now? ^_^
Use of the word 'finer' seems somewhat incongruous.  Perhaps 'I think I'm
better off than I...'

Ranma tilted his head at her.  "Zhu Shu, what happened to your accent?"

Oh, so THAT's why she speaks better now.  (Actually, I've always hated the
Viz-ation of Shampoo's accent into babble, so this comes as a relief ^_^)

---
#9

No, he corrected himself, she went way past cute ... gorgeous wasn't
even close ... she was, quite simply...

Beautiful...

As they entered the main hallway of St. Hebereki's School for Girls, he
had to tear his eyes away from the sway of her hips ... the lithe way
she ....

Too...many...dots...We...are...obviously...in...slow...motion. ^_^

Kodachi laughed in a stilted manner and gazed over Akane's shoulder to
Zhu Shu and a currently female, due to a small accident with a little
old lady with a water scoop, Ranma.

I'd say '...and a currently female Ranma, due to a small...'

"I mean, you've been glowing for days.  Isn't it tiring?"

By any chance, have you ever seen Mallrats? ^_^

Akane's hands opened and closed in fury as she started to say something
several times, then finally just screamed "MEN!" and stormed into her
dressing room, leaving a speechless Ranma behind looking at Zhu Shu's
tapping foot.  Down the hallway on either side, small crowds of girls
looked on excitedly.

"But...that was a girl!  Akane's snapped hasn't she?"
"Must have been all those morning fights.  I never thought Akane would
turn to lesbianism while denying it by calling her partner a guy, though."

"But I don't want Kodachi.  I- I wanted Akane."

Why the past tense?

Ranma put his head between his hands.  "That doesn't mean that it
doesn't hurt!"

Getting slammed into a wall usually causes that.

"But you heard her!  The only reason she's with me is because of this
stupid fiancee thing our dads arranged!"

Yay.  It's spelled right.  :p

"Then why are you crying?  She's handed you the keys to her heart, given
you her soul for safe keeping.

"I'm crying because she hurt me, Zhu Shu.  She hurt me."
"You fool!  It's just your overwhelming pride that's hurt not..."
"No, I meant that when she slammed me into the wall, I slipped a disc."
"Oh."

She was verry pretty, the tattos on her cheeks and forehead seeming to
She was dressed like a college student, and a book bag with the words
Nekomi Tech hung from her shoulder.

Looks like you started another sentance without finishing the first.

Now, I am not really sure what she is going to do."

I will be amused if she seduces Kodachi on stage, but I somehow don't
think that will happen. ^_^

<reads the next few paragraphs>

...or maybe it will.

"So! Now you would toy with my Heart!

Why capital H?

"My God!" yelled the Announcer. "It looks like she's using twenty clubs!

<snip>

"And the truth is revealed!" The Announcer called, still clutching her
mike amid the wreckage Kodachi had made of her table. "She was using
twenty clubs!"

Hm...the way you wrote the earlier description, it doesn't convey the joke
as well as it could.  How about "My God!" yelled the announcer.  "She's
attacking so furiously that it looks like Kodachi's two clubs are
twenty!"?

Her eyes hardened. "This is only the beginning!" she cried as she pulled
her ribbons from somewhere.

With her clothes in tatters, I have to wonder where that 'somewhere' is.

Akane stood there like a hyper-eager airline hostess.

"Would you like the beef, the fish, or me?  And what would you like to
drink?"

I remember someone telling me about an 'airplane/anime' fusion years ago,
but I lost track of the progress.

"So ya see, I don't know what to think!" Ranma said as he finished the
last of his ice cream and sighed.

You know, Godesses seem to get this alot in AMS fanfics.  I have to wonder
if they eventually become depressed like psychiatrists do. ^_^

Ranma looked at her curiously.  "Really?  I mean I've seen stuff like
that on tv and stuff, but real life ain't like that."

"I mean, you're making my life sound like a manga, here.  Be serious."

"An aphrodesiac?  Well, that explains that."

...
Ginseng is NOT an aphrodesiac. ^_^;;;

"Once he's had a cnach to think, I'll talk to him.

chance

Okay, so he didn't know much about any of that stuff, and the thought of
trying any of the things Hiroshi and Daisuke suggested scared him silly
because it sounded so ridiculous, and he was positive if he tried any of
it, Akane would pound him into the ground, but he wanted to get it
right...

Earlier...

*BOWCHICKABOWCHIKACHIKA..*
"I dunno...I don't think just playing music will help.  And why music from
the 70s?"
"Don't sweat it, Ranma.  Just put this on as background music, and it'll
all work out."

Zhu Shu started to say something, then shook her head in agreement.
Ranma sighed

Period.

It wasn't until that day she had listened in on the conversation in the
gargen

gargen = garden

I guess in a way, this is to apologize.

Ah, so THAT is how one apolgizes to women.  I've been doing it all wrong.
I shall have to try your way sometime.

but now that you mentioned it; well, what does one do to oysters?"

"Um...put sand in them to make pearls?  Dump into polluted bays as a
filtration mechanism?"
"Idiot!"

And ... well ... until you find a cure, you are going to be my _sister_
half the time."

That means Kasumi's going to also have to teach Ranma? ^_^

"And ... I wanted to ask you ... to ... marry me.

<snip>

Ooohhh...nice.  You're going to make them work for it.  That was probably
my last potential major reservation about the fic, since so many of the
'Multiple marriage' fics end up being little more than the characters
taking the easy way out of a love triangle.

---
#10

Shan Pu hung her head. "I had not. I am ashamed of the hurt I caused"

Period at end of quoted sentance.

The smile on her face would have frosted glass.

That would be cool.  Set up a bar, have Herb chill the glasses.  Lime and
Mint could be bouncers... ^_^

"But dad said gramps thinks the Chinese are barbarians, and he still
calls Tokyo 'Edo'.

Ha!

No matter how manly it is too sow your wild oats, one should not do so
with the intended bride.

too = to

"If they do, I have a formal Kimono for you." Nodoka smiled.

Lowercase k

And I fully intended on making you carry it out too.

Comma after 'out'

<snip>

Really weird characters showing up all over the place in the Shampoo/Zhu
Shu scene.

Everyone ransacked the house, but no trace of her could be found until
Kasumi called from the family's Shrine.

Lowercase s

---

I'll try to be more prompt with book 2 C&C.

...Really! ^_^

-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed.  "Tell me,"
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...


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