To save myself considerable typing, insert the "Allyn Yonge Generic
C&C Disclaimer Rev. 2.0" here. :)
TeX-style quotes (``blahblah'') for quoting material changes.
At 15:12 10/18/2002 -0400, Allyn Yonge wrote:
WARNING: Chapter 21 contains suggestive
situations that some readers may find offensive.
Wai! Yuri luv-luv!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Lure the Tiger from the Mountains
************************************************
************************************************
Chapter: 19
Shun shou qian yang
(Take the opportunity to pilfer a goat)
I must say, goats never struck me as a particularly economical thing
to steal. I'd go for the cash and jewelry.
"What part of _watch_ _only_, was not clear to you?"
"I thought I could get in . . . and search the house. No
one was supposed to be home."
Personally, I'd go for "..." for ellipses, as it doesn't create such
a massive gap in the text. If you are going to go with " . . . ", make
sure it's consistent. You have a bunch with fouled up spacing.
And speaking of spacing, two spaces after a period; not one.
"Don't try to think, you're not equipped for it."
Either split this into two sentences or use a semicolon.
Cool
fingers gently probed a massive bruise. "Next time, try finding
more reliable minions. Or at least lackeys who are slower
runners than you are."
Fragment. Append to previous sentence with an ellipsis.
A pitiful moan was the only answer.
"Drink this." the proffered glass was accepted by a
pallid and shaking hand, the contents downed quickly.
``the proffered'' -> ``The proffered''
Contents needs an attribution. ``the contents'' -> ``its
contents''. You might also need to use a semicolon instead of a comma, but
I'm not quite sure at the moment.
"Tastes . . .awful! What . . . is it?"
"You don't want to know," a brief examination
showed the patients gums and nail-beds were pale. "you're
bleeding inside. Why weren't you wearing your armor?"
``a brief'' -> ``A brief''
``"you're'' -> ``"You're bleeding''
"I . . .was."
"Ahhhh," clever fingers examined a battered breast-
plate that was cracked down the center.
``"Ahhhh," clever'' -> ``"Ahhhh." Clever''
"Breaking-Point
Technique? Then the wild horse _was_ there."
``wild horse'' -> ``Wild Horse''
"No . . . youngest daughter . . . weeping-man. Used
. . .Dragon's Breath . . .cover . . . escape."
"Imbecile. Bad enough to frighten the elder daughter,
you must also injure the youngest?
comma -> semicolon
I think you want ``to'' -> ``you'', because what you have now means
something different. (Read the sentence aloud with the understood "it's"
at the beginning.)
We need allies, not
enemies."
"Panicked. Thought she . . .kill me."
"If the bleeding doesn't stop, she may yet succeed."
Another check of gums and nail-bed.
This fragment kinda stuck out at me. Fix it or don't at your discretion.
"If it hasn't stopped in
another quarter-hour, we go to the embassy. I don't have the
resources here, to help you."
Remove comma.
"Elders . . . will not . . . be pleased."
"The elders," pillows were fluffed to make the patient
more comfortable. " won't have to tell your mother that they
let her baby boy bleed to death in the land of Wa."
``elders'' -> ``Elders''
Craptacular sentence structure. ^^; Now is when you want to use
"said".
"The Elders," the speaker said, fluffing pillows to make the patient
more comfortable, "won't have to tell your mother that they let her baby
boy bleed to death in the land of Wa."
"Failed . . .you." Bitter self-loathing filled the voice.
"Better . . .I die . . . roll me into . . . ditch . . . eaten by dogs."
"What do you have against dogs?" A check of pulse
and meridians proved less than reassuring. "I'm calling the
embassy. They'll send a car for us." The patient was
frighteningly pale, covered in a cold sweat.
"I will die . . .wipe out . . . my shame."
"You are not an idiot Japanese to do such a thing," A
slender hand cuffed the patient lightly on the head.
I initially read "hand cuffed" as "handcuffed", which was rather
confusing. I recommend changing "hand" to "fist" or "palm".
"Besides, I
have not give you permission to die.
``have not give'' -> ``have not given'' or ``do not give''
I order you to get strong
and healthy so that I may beat you properly, as you deserve,
for being such an idiot."
This is technically correct, but I personally think it reads better
if you remove the last comma.
*****
*****
Old separators starting to sag, I see? ^^
"I'm not a baby. I can stay home by myself."
After two days in the Hospital, Akane had only been
back home a few hours, but to Nabiki it felt like a few
months.
``Hospital'' -> ``hospital''
Sentence is unnecessarily long and stilted. There are any number of
ways to correct this, but here's my current choice. (Yes, I know it begins
with a preposition. I'm using it because it fits the cadence better.)
Akane had only been back from her two-day hospital stay for a few
hours. To Nabiki, it felt more like a few months.
"Don't be silly," Nabiki was rapidly losing patience.
comma -> period
"You can't even go to the bathroom by yourself. You can't
possibly stay at home alone."
"I'll stay with her."
Nabiki snapped around at the unexpected interruption
to see Ranko peeking around the door.
new paragraph
"Thank you for your
offer," she said coolly, "but I can take care of _my_ sister."
She stressed the possessive pronoun, trying to put some
distance between this relative stranger and her sister.
"I don't need either of you," the heavily bandaged
figure in the middle of Akane's bed snapped. She might have
been more believable if her arms and upper chest hadn't been
encased in heavy bandages.
``She'' -> ``Her words''
(It's a bit more logical.)
Another, lighter set, wound
around her eyes.
Remove the last comma.
You might want to tie this sentence into the previous a bit more to
soften the change in the paragraph's focus.
Another, lighter set wound around her eyes, further evincing the lie.
Here and there, exposed patches of skin
were marred by angry red blotches of inflamed tissue.
There's no reason for this not to be active tense.
Here and there, Angry red blotches of inflamed tissue marred the
exposed patches of skin.
"so just
go on to school."
Either drop the "so" and capitalize "just", or append this to Akane's
previous declaration, or use ellipses.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" Ranko asked
mildly.
Akane stiffened, but she didn't say anything.
The "she" in this sentence feels like it doesn't belong, based on the
writing style.
"We don't need your help." Nabiki began, starting to
get angry.
Ranko flopped down on the bed, beside Akane,
watching as Nabiki's colour deepened to a rich puce.
``bed, beside'' -> ``bed beside''
"Get - -away - - from - - my - - sister!"
Gah. I don't like the dashes to indicate pace. I'd go with ellipsis.
"What's going on?" Akane twisted blindly, from one
voice to the other.
"You're sister doesn't trust me," Ranko grinned at
Nabiki, "she think's I have designs on your virtue."
``You're'' -> ``Your''
"grinned" is not a replacement for "said".
``Nabiki, "she'' -> ``Nabiki. "She''
Nabiki seemed to swell to twice her normal size and
Ranko wondered if a person could really explode from anger.
Stick a comma before "and".
"Huh?" Akane sounded bewildered.
"She's afraid that if she leaves me alone with you, the
site of all this exposed flesh," Ranko's finger traced the air
over a particularly irritated splotch, red, scaly with some burst
pustules leaking clear fluid. "and seductive lingerie, Ranko
rubbed a fold of Akane's comfortable, but old and ratty
sweats between two fingers, "will drive me mad with lust."
``site'' -> ``sight''
Ugh...what a mess. Between the need to split this much information
into multiple sentences and fact that the joke doesn't work if it's not all
in one sentence, we end up with a major train wreck. Best bet, I think, is
to split it up with ellipses
"She's afraid that if she leaves me alone with you, the
sight of all this exposed flesh..." Ranko's finger traced the air
over a particularly irritated splotch, red, scaly with some burst
pustules leaking clear fluid. "...and seductive lingerie..." Ranko
rubbed a fold of Akane's comfortable, but old and ratty
sweats between two fingers. "...will drive me mad with lust."
Ranko's look of wide eyed innocence forced a
surprised bark of laughter from Nabiki.
"What are you talking about?" Akane was getting
irritated.
"Nothing," Nabiki said quickly. "Ranko and I need to
discuss a few things."
"What things?"
"Getting you your homework, for one." Nabiki
grabbed Ranko by the hand. "C'mon. We can talk downstairs
while I get Akane's breakfast ready."
"I can fix my own breakfast!"
"Oh, be quiet and let Nabiki-san fix your damn
breakfast!" Ranko snapped, pulling out of Nabiki's grip.
"maybe a nice bowl of ground glass and barbed-wire will keep
you from whining."
Capitalize "maybe".
"I am _not_ whining." Akane retorted, but she settled
back against her pillows.
"Back in a minute,"
comma -> period
Ranko turned and walked out the
door, leaving Nabiki scurrying to catch up.
"What are you _doing_?" Nabiki hissed, discovering
Ranko in the kitchen lighting a burner on the stove.
Goofy sentence structure.
"What are you _doing_?" Nabiki hissed upon discovering Ranko lighting
a burner on the kitchen stove.
"Fixing breakfast," she set a pot of water to boiling.
Use a "said" variant or split the sentence.
"Where do you keep the - -" opening the refrigerator Ranko
started rooting around inside.
Ellipsis, not dashes. Goofy sentence structure, besides.
"Where do you keep the...." Opening the refrigerator, Ranko started
rooting around inside.
" - - never mind.".
Again, ellipsis. Superfluous period.
"Akane doesn't like nori for breakfast,"Nabiki said
smugly, as Ranko emerged with a box of kelp.
Drop the last comma. Superfluous space.
"Good flavor on the miso," Ranko dipped a finger into
a clay bowl she'd grabbed along with the nori. "You make it
yourself?" She smiled at Nabiki's bemused nod. "Get the best
flavor that way."
Two superfluous spaces. If you have access to Microsoft Word,
grammar check is your friend.
Nabiki shook off her stupor and took an angry step
toward the little redhead. "Look," she tried to use her
superior height to intimidate the other girl.
Use a "said" variant or split the sentence.
From here on out, this rule will be phrased as "said or split".
"you can't just
waltz in here and take over .
Superfluous space before period. Capitalize "you". Grammar check
just got upgraded from "friend" to "mandatory". ^^;
Why do _you_ want to take care
of Akane, anyway?"
"There's a practice exam today," Ranko grinned, "but
if I'm taking care of a sick friend, I don't have to take it."
said or split
"Is that the only reason?" Nabiki asked, somewhat
mollified by the fact she'd used the same excuse herself to get
out of tests.
A fact Ranko knew from 'girl talk' shared with
Akane.
POV just violently switched from Nabiki to Ranko. Make a scene break
between leaving Akane's room and arriving at the kitchen, and establish the
POV with Ranko there.
Rule fourteen;*Never tell a lie, boy* Genma beat into
Ranma with a willow switch. *You'll get caught. Always - -*
Train wreck.
Asterisks as a quote-in-thought indicator? Completely
unnecessary. Use double quotes and clearly identify as a memory.
The semicolon fails to do a decent job. Either use a period and keep
the fragment for stylistic purposes or fix it into proper grammar.
Ellipsis, not dashes.
"You've found me out," Ranko started a salmon steak
grilling, checking on the rice at the same time.
Said or split. In this case, split works better.
"This is all a
plot, so that I can steal this," she waved an expansive hand,
"magnificent castle and all your land and wealth."
said or split
she pulled
pickles, spinach and eggs from the refrigerator.
Capitalize "she".
"And it all
started the day Ranma arrived."
End with ellipsis.
She flipped the salmon on the
grill and seasoned it lightly. "and ended with those guys the
other day."
Begin with ellipsis. Capitalize "and".
Checking the rice she found it nice and sticky.
Putting it in a bowl, she cracked a raw egg over it and added
spinach and some pickle.
"Everything that I've done - - "
Ellipsis
Ranko started
arranging things on a tray, making minor adjustments so there
was a balance of colour and texture.
Drop "was" and rearrange the clause to make it active tense.
Rule fourteen: *Always tell the _truth_*
Asterisks -> double-quotes
" - - has been a big lie."
Ellipsis
Rule fourteen: *the truth that helps you most.*
Double-quotes
"She won't eat any of that." Nabiki followed Ranko
up the stairs, trying not to be aggravated at Ranko's sarcasm,
yet oddly reassured, because a really bad person wouldn't be
so flippant.
POV change to Nabiki
"Won't eat what?" Akane said surlily from where she
lay propped in bed.
"Surlily" feels clunky. "In a surly tone of voice" feels better.
"I don't want it," she barked, catching the
scents from the tray in Ranko's hands. "I'm not hungry."
"Did I ask for your opinion," Ranko plopped down
beside Akane on the bed.
said or split
"Open up," she grabbed some rice
and nori with chopsticks.
said or split
"I don't want it," Akane repeated and Nabiki smiled in
triumph.
comma before "and"
"Tough!" Ranko snapped. "Taking care of you is my
ticket out of a practice test. So you're going to eat this if I
have to suff it in your ear."
``test. So'' -> ``test, so''
``suff'' -> ``stuff''
Nabiki felt her face go slack as Akane obediently
opened her mouth and allowed Ranko to feed her a bite.
"Yuck! I hate nori for breakfast."
"Well, I like it," Ranko countered, "And since I'm
cooking, you eat what I like.
``And'' -> lowercase
Now, shut up and chew so I can
go eat my own breakfast." She grabbed a bit of salmon and
held it in front of Akane's mouth. "Open,"
comma -> period (It _is_ a complete sentence.)
the salmon went
in.
Capitalize "the".
"Chew. Big hulking brute like you - - Open . . . Chew - -
I'm probably going to starve to death."
Ellipses may or may not be more apt than em-dashes, though I suppose
the dashes work. (in which case, ``- -'' -> ``--'')
In remarkably short order the bowls were cleaned,
Ranko wiped Akane's mouth with rough gentleness and
gathered up the tray.
Comma after "order". Run-on sentence.
"I'll be back later. Try to stay out of
trouble."
"How the . . .how did you do that?" Nabiki asked in
the kitchen as they shared cleaning duty. "It took Kasumi and
me an hour to get her to take a single bite last night, and then
she threw the tray at us!"
"Akane likes hot peppers." Ranko replied, rinsing a
bowl and putting it on the drying rack.
``peppers."'' -> ``peppers,"''
"There weren't any peppers in this." Nabiki replied,
puzzled.
``this."'' -> ``this,"''
"Nope." Ranko finished the last bowl and turned to
Nabiki drying her hands. "So, do I have to take my practice
test, or not?"
Nabiki looked at the clock, dithering for the first time
in a long while. "If you can get her to eat nori for breakfast, I
guess you'd better stay." She grabbed her book bag and
headed for the door. "Call me or Kasumi if there's any
problem. The numbers are on the message board."
Ranko grinned at Nabiki's retreating back. Rule
Twenty-five: *Never sneak through the back door, when you
can get someone to let you in the front door.*
asterisks -> double-quotes
*****
*****
"I really hate to ask you to do this," Kasumi fretted as
Ranko helped her on with her coat, three days later "But
Nabiki is at cram school and my chemistry professor wants to
talk to me about my mid-term project."
I don't think "fretted" is an appropriate replacement for "said", but
I could be wrong.
``coat,'' -> ``coat''
``later'' -> ``later,''
"No problem." Ranko assured her, handing Kasumi
her briefcase.
``problem.'' -> ``problem,''
"I wish you'd let me pay - - "
fix em-dash
"We've had this talk before," Ranko interrupted,
wrinkling her nose in the disarmingly-adorable way she'd
perfected in front of a mirror over the last several weeks.
"you're letting me stay here while my father is gone.
capitalize "you're"
So the
least I can do is help out."
Either drop the "so" or comma-splice to the previous sentence.
"If you're sure?"
"GO!" Laughingly Ranko pushed Kasumi out the door
and locked it behind her.
comma after "laughingly"
As soon as the lock clicked in place
her open laughing countenance disappeared like water down
the drain, leaving a more calculating expression in it's place.
comma after open
Things were going even better than Ranma dared
hope. Ranko had access to a mostly female household that
Ranma could never have hoped for. Kasumi trusted Ranko
completely, Nabiki was coming around and Akane . . . Ranko
re-entered the family room and quietly watched her sitting and
listening to the newly replaced TV.
comma after "around"
ellipsis -> ellipsis + period
Blind and almost helpless Akane was slowly, almost
imperceptibly, coming under Ranko's control.
comma after helpless
It was exactly
like Pop had taught him you trained a hawk or other wild
animal, she thought, moving to stand behind Akane.
double-quotes around Ranma's thought
*Blindfold him,* Ranko recalled Genma saying, while
she examined the bandages wound around Akane's head *and
the meanest junkyard dog will become docile and
submissive.*
asterisks -> double-quotes
remove comma after "saying"
comma after "head"
Ranko lay a caressing hand along Akane's
cheek.
"KiiiiiiYAAAAA!"
The reverse-knuckle strike hit Ranko in the temple
like a pile-driver, knocking her across the room.
"owieeee." she whimpered, sliding down the wall.
capitalize "owieeee"
period in quote -> comma
"Ranko?" Akane began to blindly crawl along the
floor." Ranko, is that you?"
Fix the spacing around the double-quote.
"I like okonomoyaki best of all, Pop." Ranko
muttered.
period in quote -> comma
"What?" Akane followed the sound, feeling around
until she found a warm lump on the floor. "Ranko, are you
Okay?"
"Uhhhhh . . ." Ranko groaned, feeling as if the Red
Army Band were folk dancing behind her eyeballs.
"You shouldn't sneak up on a martial artist like that."
Akane chided, scooping Ranko awkwardly into her bandaged
arms.
superfluous space in quote
period in quote -> comma
She stood, pausing to think about what to do next.
"Bathroom," Ranko whispered, wincing from the pain
the effort caused.
"Wouldn't you like some ice from the kitchen?"
"Bathroom," Ranko repeated. "Throw up first. Then
bath."
"You navigate," Akane said, turning in the general
direction of the bathroom. "I don't think you should be
exerting yourself with a bath, though."
"Not me, you." Ranko said faintly, wrinkling her nose
at the smell, instantly regretting the move as it felt as if her
face was going to fall off. "You stink."
period in first quote -> comma
Drop the comma after "smell" and insert an "and"
"You need to learn to be more careful around Martial
Artists. If I hadn't pulled my blow," Akane slowly shuffled
toward the bathroom under Ranko's direction. " you could
have gotten hurt."
Said or split. If "said", replace period after direction with comma.
superfluous space
*Dammit Pop,* Ranko thought, laying limply in
Akane's arms.
Again, asterisks -> double-quotes
Lather, rinse, repeat.
*What th' hell happened to your sure-fire,
never-fail, lost for centuries secret Tame-the-Wild-Badger-
New-Bride technique?*
*Heh - -sorry, boy,* she could hear Genma as clearly
as if he were in the same room.
em-dash -> ellipsis
*I guess I should have read
the entire scroll.*
*****
*****
"I feel a lot better," Akane said from the side of the
furro, "you ought to soak for a while too.
``furo''
You'll feel like a
new woman."
*I'd feel like a new something.* Ranko suppressed a
manic giggle at the thought. "That's okay, I'll soak later."
comma -> semicolon or period
Even with Akane's eyes still bandaged, Ranma was still
nervous around all this hot water. Ever since he'd fallen into
the cursed pool, he sometimes felt as if water was alive.
"If you're sure."
This fragment should end with an ellipsis.
Akane sighed, sinking deeper into the
steaming depths of the furro.
``furo''
"Watch those bandages," Ranko snapped, grabbing
for Akane's arm as it started to submerge.
Unfortunately, she missed and plunged her arm into
the steaming water past the elbow, triggering the change back
to male. "Gaaa!" Bug-eyed he stared at his now masculine
arm, then at Akane, convinced she could see clearly through
the thick bandage.
"A . . .are you alright?" Akane started to grope blindly
around the edge of the furro,
comma -> period
"You sound strange."
Ranma shook off his paralysis as Akane's blind
groping just brushed his transformed arm and made a leap for
the washing stand.
superfluous space
"I just - - "
fix em-dash
Ranma's baritone changed
abruptly "I thought I heard something," to soprano under a
spray of cold water.
Icky sentence structure. Move quote to end; make it a separate sentence.
"I'll be right back."
Dashing out of the bath-room Ranko took a
shuddering breath, pressing a hand to her thundering heart.
"Bathroom" isn't hyphenated.
comma after "bathroom"
That had been close - - her head snapped up as she heard a
noise from upstairs.
ellipsis or fix the em-dash
This only works if 1) the first sentence isn't narrative and 2) you
actually interrupt the first sentence.
*What . . .?*
The few thoughts at the end of this chapter could all be relatively
easily changed to use double-quote tagging. I'll make a standing
recommendation to change them.
She started for the stairs, just as a
pimply-faced boy in a baggy pinstriped suit stuck his head out
of the kitchen.
remove comma
"Psssst . . .Kenji!" he whispered harshly, "have you
finished yet?"
*Ah, crap.* What are you little piss-ants doin' here?*
Ranko groaned.
superfluous asterisk
"Get her!" A voice called. From _behind_ !
"Get her!" a voice called...from _behind_!
Ranko rubbed the bridge of her nose, feeling a
headache coming on, as two Seiki-Juka rushed her.
Unnecessarily complex sentence. Either move the middle clause to the
beginning of the sentence or use em-dashes and make it a proper
parenthetical expression
Twisting
fractionally she lowered her hips, changing her center of
gravity, and the two young thugs stumbled and fell.
comma after "fractionally"
Poor structure. The verb tenses don't agree.
Twisting fractionally, she lowered her hips, changing her center of
gravity and causing the two young thugs to stumble and fall.
*I need a cup of coffee.*
Suiting thought to deed she changed direction toward
the kitchen.
comma after "deed"
"Scuse me," Ranko nodded politely to the pimply
boy and edged past him into the kitchen, where three more
boys were enthusiastically pulling apart the shelves and
tossing the contents on the floor.
Too much crap in one sentence.
*Ahhhh, geez. I _just_ cleaned in here!* Ranko bent
to pick up a broken bag of flour as the three lunged for her.
Their heads met with a sound like ripe melons and they
collapsed, groaning.
Heh. Could be worse; could be _over_-ripe melons.
*Now where . . .* she rummaged
through the debris, triumphantly producing a tin marked
'Coffee', then started looking for the pot.
said (thought) or split
"What th' hell is goin' on in - - "
fix em-dash
"They heard us chief!" Pimply-faced stuttered.
"Akane can't see and this one's no fighter." The
'chief' assured him.
period after "fighter" -> comma
lowercase "the"
"We've got to get out of here!" Pimply-faced was in
a panic.
"Not 'till we finish."
Ranko glanced over her shoulder to see a chunky,
surly-faced boy in a suit that actually fit, berating Pimply-
faced. She turned on the tap and started filling the pot.
remove comma after "fit"
"Hey you!"
Startled by his sudden shout, Ranko spun around,
carelessly forgetting she held the heavy pot in her hand.
The POV of the action in this scene suddenly becomes true
third-person here. Ranko knows that it's not accidental. Indicate that
she does. (Standing rule for the rest of the scene.)
"Startled" by his sudden shout, Ranko spun around, carelessly
"forgetting" she held the heavy pot in her hand.
Chunky-boy dropped like a pole-axed cow as the steel pot,
full of water, met the side of his temple with a meaty thunk.
"Oops."
Carefully measuring out the coffee, she filled the now
slightly dented pot, set it on the stove and started to clean up
the mess. Ranko'd just found the broom, where it had been
thrown in a corner, when suddenly the kitchen was filled with
a horde of pinstripe-suited thug-wannabe's.
"What did you do to the chief?!" A wannabe yelled,
striking at Ranko with something that looked vaguely like a
Karate front-knuckle-fist. Ranko watched, mildly puzzled, as
the wannabe broke his hand on the bamboo broom she was
holding.
superfluous space
Ranko, affecting a mildly puzzled expression, watched as the wannabe
broke his hand on the bamboo broom she was holding.
"Gotcha!" A heavy hand came down on Ranko's
shoulder, spinning her around. Unfortunately the end of her
broom slashed across the face of a boy coming up behind her.
comma after "unfortunately"
``"Unfortunately", the end[...]''
"Are you alright?" Ranko turned toward the sound of
his scream, as the boy holding her somehow lost his grip.
``[...]scream, subtly breaking the grip of the boy holding her.''
Moving to help the boy who was holding his hands to his
face, Ranko shifted the broom out of the way, inadvertently
driving the bamboo shaft into the diaphragm of the boy who
had been holding her, whereupon he fell to the ground,
whooping for breath.
Blech. That's a mess. Too much in one sentence.
``[...]way, "inadvertently" driving the bamboo shaft into the
diaphragm of the boy who had been holder her.''
Moving the blinded boy toward a chair Ranko, quite
by accident, steered him in the way of two boys who were just
rushing into the kitchen and they all tumbled to the ground.
Run-on. New sentence after "kitchen".
comma after "chair"
"I'm so sorry," Ranko apologized to a green faced
boy who'd broken her fall with his groin.
``[...]boy who's groin she'd used to break her fall.
"Are you alright?"
Pulling herself up by grabbing the edge of the table, she
inadvertently tipped the table and it's contents onto the
groaning tangle of bodies, who were abruptly quieted.
``it's'' -> ``its''
``[...]she "inadvertently" tipped[...]''
"Ranko!"
She looked longingly at the coffee which had just
started to perk.
"Ranko? Is everything alright?"
"Pardon me." Ranko edged past Pimply-face who was
frozen in the doorway.
comma after "Pimply-face"
In the family room were four more
Seiki-Juka.
*Damn, just like cockroaches.*
"Ranko, what's going on. Who's there?" Akane
stood, bare as a newborn, dripping water on the floor, her
heavily bandaged head turning slowly back and forth.
Awfully clunky sentence. Maybe...
``newborn, dripping'' -> ``newborn and dripping''
Ranko watched a trickle of water run down the deep
cleft made by massive pectoral muscles and well formed, if
modest, breasts then divide and join several times as it wound
around the cobblestones of her belly toward - -
comma after "breasts"
clunky sentence.
``[...]well formed -- if modest -- breasts, then[...]''
There was a tiny gasp from a boy standing to her right
and Akane turned heavily toward the sound, muscles in her
back flexing like corded steel as she brought her bandaged
arms up in a guard position.
"Who's there!"
Interrogative, not exclamation. Needs a question mark.
Akane's voice held a bark of challenge
and Ranko was mesmerized by the sight of muscles and
tendons writhing like giant steel cables as she settled into a
ready stance.
Run-on. Split after "challenge".
You've used the "steel" description twice in as many sentences.
"I'm starting to get mad." Akane took a step
forward, the hard hemispheres of her buttocks softening and
tightening as she moved, tiny diamonds of water glistening on
her skin.
Ranko shook off her paralysis as one of the boys
groaned, the sound cutting off abruptly as the redhead drove a
hard fist into his temple. "Pervert!"
That broke the spell, and the boy closest to Akane
leapt on her from behind, wrapping his arms around her neck
in a full-nelson.
"Don't move, or I'll break her - - "
fix em-dash
Akane shrugged irritably. The movement tore the boy
lose from his hold and flung him across the room, where an
intervening wall introduced him to the concept of
conservation-of-angular-momentum, with a sound like a very
big bug hitting a windshield.
Drop the last comma.
"Ranko, what's - - -owww!"
Use ellipsis or fix em-dash.
She awkwardly raised a
bandaged hand to rub at her head. "That wasn't nice." Akane
complained mildly, while one of the Seiki-Juka stared blankly
at the splintered bamboo staff in his hand.
``nice." Akane'' -> ``nice," Akane''
Drop the last comma; ``while'' -> ``as''
"Just some friends of Kunou," Ranko replied, kicking
the staff wielding idiot between the legs from behind, then
again in the side of the head as he fell.
"Senpai?" Akane sounded puzzled. "What do they
want?"
"I think they wanted to surprise you by cleaning up,"
the pimply-faced boy nodded vigorously, "and restocking the
kitchen," Pimply-faced was about to give himself whiplash.
He couldn't agree fast enough.
Structural train-wreck.
"I think they wanted to surprise you by cleaning up --" The
pimply-faced boy nodded vigorously. "-- and restocking the
kitchen." Pimply-faced was about to give himself whiplash -- he couldn't
agree fast enough.
"C'mon"
Period.
Ranko took Akane by the arm and lead her
toward the bathroom. " back in the furo before you get a
chill."
Superfluous space.
Capitalize "back".
************************************************
Chapter: 20
Yi yi dai lao
(Relax while the enemy exhausts himself)
"I've got a surprise for you," Ranko said as Kasumi
unwound the bandages from Akane's eyes.
"Oh?" Blinking, even in the dim light of the doujou,
she looked around at her sisters, whom she hadn't seen in
over a week.
Sentence needs attribution. Replace first "she" with "Akane".
"what kind of surprise?"
"Just wait right here," Ranko grinned, "I've got to run
some errands and take care of things at home," Ranko said,
trotting toward the main gate.
comma after here -> period
comma after grinned -> period
"so I'll see you later."
The Tendou sisters watched her turn the corner as she
passed the gate.
"You took your time getting here." They heard Ranko
berate someone out of sight.
"Sorry," Ranma answered. "I lost track a' time. See ya
later."
"Where have you been?" Nabiki asked as the pig-
tailed martial artist trotted into the doujou.
"Oh dear, you're all wet." Kasumi exclaimed, reaching
for a towel.
If she "exclaimed", use an exclamation point after "wet"; otherwise,
use a comma.
"Yeah," Ranma accepted the towel with a brief word
of thanks and started rubbing his head vigorously.
"Accepted" is a very questionable replacement for "said".
"Some ol'
lady was washin' down her sidewalk an' I got splashed." He
tossed the towel in the corner and turned to Akane, missing
Kasumi's slight moue of displeasure at his carelessness.
moue -> mou
"Mou" should be in quoted.
"I've
been tryin' to track down that crazy monk," he answered
Nabiki. "and I didn't want him showin' up around here.
Haven't seen him for a while, so Ranko asked me to stop by if
I thought it was safe."
period after "Nabiki" -> comma
He ruffled Nabiki's hair in passing,
which she enjoyed, much to her own annoyance, then stopped
in front of Akane, who was still heavily bandaged, long strips
of skin peeling from her face and chest as if she'd had a bad
sunburn.
Train wreck.
``He ruffled Nabiki's hair in passing -- which she enjoyed, much to
her own annoyance -- then stopped in front of Akane, who was still heavily
bandaged -- long strips of skin peeling from her face and chest as if she'd
had a bad sunburn.''
"Boy, you look like crap!"
Nabiki and Kasumi both bristled at Ranma's derisive
tone, but Akane seemed to take it in stride.
"I got careless," She admitted.
lowercase "she"
"I'd have been in real
trouble if that guy had counterattacked."
"Nah," Ranma circled her, making a close
examination.
comma after "nah" -> period
"Ranko tol' me all 'bout it. Stuff like 'Dragon's
Breath' is just as dangerous to the user. You only use it when
you're neck deep in shit an' there's a elephant with diarrhea
headed your way."
"Are you saying I'm fat?" Akane glared at Ranma
with mock fierceness.
Ranma looked at her blankly for a second, then
backpedaled as understanding dawned. "No, no. I didn' mean
nuthin like - - "
fix em-dash
he stopped abruptly as he saw the twinkle in
Akane's eyes.
capitalize "he"
"Very funny. I mean that guy wouldn't a used
it if he hadn't been afraid of you. Anyway, I thought you
might like to work out a little."
"Really!" Akane's face lit up like a neon-sign. "That's
great!"
"I don't think - - "
fix em-dash
Kasumi began, doubtfully.
"Oh, please, 'neesama!" Akane turned pleading eyes
on her older sister. She slapped her stomach with a sound like
hitting an oak barrel. "I'm starting to get soft with all this
laying around."
"Why do want to work out with Akane now," Nabiki
asked suspiciously.
comma after "now" -> question mark
"You think you can beat her now and that
will take care of the engagement?"
"Huh?" Ranma looked at Nabiki, genuinely puzzled
for an instant. "Oh, that." He waved his hands dismissively
as he suddenly understood. "Nah, this is just training. If I'm
gonna be a sensei someday I need to be able to teach."
"Why Akane, why now?" Nabiki persisted.
comma after "Akane" -> question mark
capitalize second "why"
"Well," Ranma tilted his head to one side.
said or split
"She's
bored enough that she might actually listen to me, an' she's
got a lot of bad habits to unlearn; so if I can teach her
somthin' I can teach anybody."
"HEY!" Akane stomped up to Ranma, fairly glowing
with anger. "What do you mean by that crack?!
Question-mark exclamation-point? Something of a no-no. Question
mark only.
I'm a martial
artist. A good one and you can't - - "
fix em-dash
comma after "one", or turn that phrase into a parenthetical with
em-dashes
``I'm a martial artist -- a good one -- and you can't --"''
"Hit me." Ranma said mildly.
period after "me" -> comma
Akane looked at
her bandaged arms for an instant, then lashed out at Ranma's
midsection.
"Not full power," Ranma chided as he slid away from
the blow
period
"You're liable to hurt yourself while you're still
healin'. Try again', but just tap me."
Akane's lips thinned, and she glared at Ranma in
aggravation, then relaxed..
superfluous period
run-on. split after "thinned"
"Just a tap." she agreed as her
bandaged fist shot out like a pile-driver, impacting Ranma's
chest with the force of a butterfly's kiss as she pulled it at the
last moment.
period after "tap" -> comma
run-on. somewhat mangled sentence structure.
"Just a tap," she agreed. Her bandaged fist shot out like a
pile-driver, only to impact Ranma's chest with the force of a butterfly's
kiss as she pulled it at the last moment.
"Hold it," Ranma ordered, circling her statue-like
pose, examining her for faults.
Somewhat stilted. Drop comma after "pose" and insert "and".
"Okay, take your stance
again."
Akane settled into her favored Mountain-Bear stance,
flinching slightly as Ranma began to reposition her feet.
Need something to indicate chronology; the way it is now makes it
seem like "settling" and "flinching. happens at the same time. Also, the
verbs don't agree.
``Akane settled into her favored Mountain-Bear stance,
then flinched slightly as Ranma began to reposition her feet.''
"Not bad," he kept up a running commentary as he
moved her like a puppet, "but you're not gettin' full power,"
he slid her trailing foot back a fraction, "an' you're a little
over-extended at the end."
said or split. probably said, in this case. Mangled structure too.
``"Not bad," he said, keeping up a running commentary as he moved
her like a puppet, "but you're not gettin' full power --" He slid her
trailing foot back a fraction. "-- An' you're a little over-extended at
the end."
A point of order here: if she's "too stable", her stance is probably
too wide, in which case moving her foot back is the wrong thing to do.
Ranma regarded her forward foot,
altered the position a fraction, then resumed his place in front
of her.
"How's that feel."
"It feels funny," Akane complained. "like I'm going to
fall over."
Either change the period after complained -> comma or capitalize "like".
"Good," Ranma nodded in satisfaction.
said or split
"you were
too . . ." he searched for the right word, "stable, before."
"Searched" is a poor replacement for "said".
"How can you be _too_ stable?" Nabiki wanted to
know.
"A statue is stable," Ranma answered, "but it can't
punch worth spit." He looked at Akane. "Now try again."
"Hey!" Akane looked startled as her fist impacted, as
lightly as before, but Ranma grunted slightly. "Hey, that's
amazing."
Chronology in this paragraph is goofy. Also, if the fist impacted as
lightly as before, it wouldn't cause Ranma to grunt this time. You need to
say that she put as much effort into it as before, instead.
"Heh. Bein' strong ain't enough. I can show ya a
buncha other stuff, if you're interested."
*****
****
"O . . .Oh . . .kay," Akane panted, body drenched in
sweat. "I . . .give . . .up." She staggered over to the wall and
sank awkwardly to the ground.
"Se . . .ee. Sp . . .speed. Speed is . . .ev . . .
everything," Ranma sucked air in great gulps.
said or split
"I . . .I knew I was . . .slow," Akane wiped her face
with a towel Nabiki threw her, "but I never . . . knew how
slow."
said or split
"Ya . . .ya didn' . . .thanks," he smiled at Kasumi as
she handed him a cup of water, "didn' do too . . .bad."
ditto
He
shrugged off the weighted vest he'd borrowed for speed
training Akane and it hit the ground with a clank.
comma or split
Akane eyed the fifty-kilo garment and her face twisted
in a sour smile.
comma or split
"Not _too_ bad? If . . .if you had . . . hadn't
had . . .handicap . . ." She puffed for a moment, trying to get
her breath. No one had worn her out in a long time.
superfluous space
"If you
hadn't been carrying that weight . . ." she spread her hands,
palm upwards with a shrug.
capitalize "she"
"You just need to retrain your muscles," Ranma
replied, recovering more quickly than his opponent. "your
bulk is slowin' you down. You need to work on your
technique, stop bein' so sloppy. And . . ." he jerked a thumb
at her brace.
capitalize "he"
Akane stared at him, eyes dull with disappointment.
"The knee is about shot. I guess I can improve my technique,
but . . .the rest?"
"Can be fixed," Ranma said with complete confidence.
"Technique just needs a lot of hard work. Retrain for speed,
and you'll still be strong. Stronger, 'cause the same punch will
hit faster." He sank down beside her, resting a calloused palm
on her knee. "An' I know a few tricks that will help this." He
grinned a cocky grin, and was rewarded by with a shy smile in
return.
*Piece o' cake,* he thought, smugly. "by th' time Pop
gets back, it'll be th' Saotome Doujou, an' we'll get enough
cash ta head back to China.*
asterisks -> double-quotes
He stole a glance at the girl
sitting beside him, eyes closed, head resting against the
hardwood wall. Watching the pulse beat in the vulnerable
hollow of her throat he felt a brief and unaccustomed twinge
of pain as his long unused conscience stirred briefly.
comma after "throat"
Ranma soothed it with the sure knowledge that Akane
could never run a doujou. No one would take lessons from a
freakishly strong cripple, no matter how many prizes she won.
And her technique was rudimentary at best, and so sloppy that
he was really doing a service for her future students and the
art itself, by taking the doujou from her.
Drop the first "and".
Odd romanization of "dojo"...not what I'm used to. Probably
technically correct, but a google search brings up 480,000 hits for "dojo",
versus 2,400 hits for "doujou".
"And the art itself" should be a parenthetical phrase.
Her technique was rudimentary at best, and so sloppy that he was
really doing a service for her future students -- and the art itself -- by
taking the dojo from her.
*Pop will be really proud,* he unknowingly voiced
the most important argument. *when he gets back and sees
what I've done. Pop will be proud of me.*
asterisks -> double-quotes
tag as thought
period after "argument" -> comma
*****
*****
"You are Fukubashi Nodoka?" The melodious voice
cut through the babble of the restaurant.
I'm not sure, but I think the second sentence in this paragraph
should be it's own paragraph, for emphasis.
A woman looked up from scrubbing the floor,
brushing back a strand of prematurely grey hair with the back
of her gloved hand.
"Former wife of Saotome Genma? Mother of Saotome
Ranma?" The questioner persisted, reaching to pull the
woman from the floor.
"G . . .Genma?" A look of hope, mixed with dread
>from too many years of disappointment fluttered over her
face.
comma after "disappointment"
"Ran-ma?"
"What's going on here?" Nabetoyo Saburo, owner
and manager of 'Autumn Flower ' restaurant bustled into the
back, flabby cheeks suffused with anger.
superfluous space
comma after "restaurant"
"Get back to work!"
He snapped at his floor scrubber.
lowercase "he"
"The honorable foreigner
would be more comfortable in another establishment,
perhaps." He suggested without even a pretense of apology.
period after perhaps -> comma
lowercase "he"
Saburo only hoped none of his regular patrons had
seen this person enter. Chinese by the manner of dress, and
therefore marginally acceptable, but Saburo had made his
reputation by aggressively maintaining the purity of his
clientele and workers.
comma after "Chinese"
Even his floor-scrubber, he sneered
slightly as she cringed away from him, was of the highest
bloodline, though fallen on hard times after her husband
deserted her, taking all of her money and leaving all of his
debts.
first and second commas should be em-dashes
She'd been forced to take the extreme measure of
divorce to escape liability for those debts.
"The honorable customer," a slender hand emerged
>from long flowing sleeves, "wishes not to be disturbed by the
grunting of pigs," and gestured.
Said or split. A couple times.
Four husky figures instantly appeared, grabbed
Saburo and hustled him out the back door. His angry squeals
of protest were beginning to carry into the front of the
restaurant when a tall, well-built man wearing dark glasses,
stepped from the shadows and flashed a gold badge in the
form of a stylized chrysanthemum blossom.
The Imperial Seal shut Saburo's mouth as if someone
had garrotted him and brief snatches of conversation from
Dark-Glasses could be heard as the door closed behind them .
comma after "him"
superfluous space
. . "imbecile . . . diplo . . . immunity . . . every courtesy . . .
immun . . . prosecut . . . if . . . cut off your . . . "
"I have a car outside, Nodoka-sama. Perhaps we
could discuss your husband and son over tea?"
The prematurely aged woman flushed with pleasure at
being so kindly addressed and allowed herself to be lead to a
waiting Rolls Royce Silver Ghost, bearing diplomatic plates.
comma after "addressed"
drop comma after "Ghost"
*****
*****
"Would you quit following me around?" Nabiki glared
at Ukyou, slouching along beside her, steroid-enhanced
spatula bobbing slightly in the sheath strapped across his back.
Needs proper attribution for actions.
``"Would you quit following me around?" Nabiki glared
at Ukyou, who slouched along beside her, steroid-enhanced
spatula bobbing slightly in the sheath strapped across his back.''
"Uhuh," he smothered a yawn with the back of his
hand, "I figure if I stick around you long enough, I'll run into
Ranma or Genma."
said or split
He'd spent all night crouched on a
rooftop, watching the doujou in case either of them showed
up.
Nabiki wondered which kami she'd so offended in a
previous life that she would get stuck with this idiot in this
one. "Look, if I knew where Genma was, I'd gift wrap him
for you."
"And Ranma?"
"I'll throw him in for free." She flushed at Ukyou's
look and continued a little defensively.
Needs a comma somewhere -- Either after "look" or after "continued".
"Ranma's cute, but
he's not worth the trouble. You, that crazy guy in the monks
outfit, some guy in robes and a bunch of street people and
Kuno's bunch."
apostrophe before "s" in "monks"
comma after "robes"; drop trailing "and"
comma after "people"
Ukyou looked amazed at the litany, since he was only
peripherally aware of some of these events.
Nabiki shook herself, like a dog coming out of the
water. "Akane could have been killed, Kasumi was hurt, our
house trashed and father . . .father's not feeling well."
comma after "trashed"
Or that
was as good an excuse as any, since no one had seen him in
days. "So, yeah, I'd give them both to you, or to the monk or
I'd just toss them in the recycling-bin. 'Cause they're not
worth the hassle."
comma after "monk"
period after recycling-bin -> comma
lowercase "'cause"
I'd just like to declare now that, after having seen those
classmates.com ads on dictionary.com for the 30,000'th time, I am
officially sick of them. Are there honestly _that_ many people who give a
damn about the people who harassed them in highschool?
"What happened to 'he's a guest' and 'a fight with
Saotome is a fight with Tendou'?" Ukyou mimicked.
"You have me confused with my sister," Nabiki
shifted her bag to her off hand, furthest away from Ukyou so
she could get a good swing if she decided to smack him,
"Akane's the one still living in the middle-ages."
Said or split. A couple times.
"Yeah, I hear you're a very modern girl. Pachinko and
slot machines, a little book-making, some vending
machines - -"
fix em-dash
Ukyou looked thoughtful. "So, how much for
you to sell out the Saotomes?"
There was a pile of broken concrete lying next to the
drainage ditch and Nabiki wondered briefly how Ukyou
would look wearing one of the larger chunks.
Comma after "ditch"
"Here," she came out of her daydream to see him
holding out a jagged lump of concrete, a big grin on his face.
Said or split.
"What's that for?"
"You wanted to brain me with it, didn't you? No?" He
tossed the lump into the air. At it's apex there was a flash of
light and the stony material exploded in a cloud of dust.
Bemused, Nabiki watched him wipe the large paddle-bladed
pole arm with a square of silk, then re-sheath it on his back.
"You must be a riot at parties," Nabiki groused, mildly
impressed in spite of herself. "can you do card tricks?"
Capitalize "can"
"Don't underestimate me, just because you got lucky,
once."
Drop the first comma.
The rounded the corner of a building, almost perfectly
in step, and saw the clock-tower of Furinkan High School in
the near distance. About fifty yards in front, Ranko and
Akane were slowly making their way toward the school gates.
"You look like hell," Ukyou broke away from Nabiki
and trotted up alongside the two, with Ranko on the far side,
nearest the fence that ran alongside the drainage canal, leaving
Akane sandwiched in the middle.
Train wreck.
Said or split. Split, in this case.
For that matter, this sentence is too complex. Split it into a couple
sentences.
Drop the comma after "side"
"You look like hell." Ukyou broke away from Nabiki and trotted up
alongside the two. Ranko ended up on the far side nearest the fence that
ran alongside the drainage canal, while Akane remained sandwiched in the
middle.
"what happened?"
capitalize "what"
"None of your business," Nabiki smacked him on the
back of the head as she caught up with them.
said or split
"What are you
doing out here?" she directed at her sister. "The doctor told
you not to come back to school for at least three more
weeks."
"I was getting bored, sitting around the house all day."
drop the comma
Akane peered at her sister through the sunglasses that had
replaced the bandages. "And I'm only going by to check on
the swimming club and grab some class notes so I can catch
up on what I've missed."
"Looks like the Tendou watch-bitch is toothless right
now," Ukyou ran a finger along the bandages that swaddled
Akane's left arm.
said or split
"what would you do if you had to fight
someone?"
capitalize "what"
"I couldn't fight." Akane said simply.
"Oh?" Ukyou reached for his uber-spatula, intending
to tease the girl a bit, when Nabiki grabbed his arm, nearly
yanking it from the socket.
superfluous space
first and second commas -> em-dashes
"Well, you two have fun," She called over her
shoulder. "Don't let her overdo it," she instructed Ranko,
"and make sure she takes her medicine."
"What was that for," Ukyou groused, rubbing his
shoulder.
comma after "for" -> question mark
"Don't you know anything? - - If I am strong, I beat
my enemies," she quoted, "if I am weak, I must kill them."
single-quotes for a quote within a quote
``"Don't you know anything? 'If I am strong, I beat
my enemies,'" she quoted, "'if I am weak, I must kill them.'"''
"What does that have to do with - - owwww!"
fix em-dash
"Idiot!" Nabiki tried to shake some feeling back into
her hand.
"My head is _not_ a punching bag."
"Well, it's not good for much else. Look stupid,
Akane's pretty banged up. So she's not going to feel like she
has the latitude to take chances with you."
"Huh? But I was just teas - - "
fix em-dash
"I know that, but she's still living in the feudal ages
and she sees herself as the loyal samurai retainer. If you'd laid
hand on that damn blade, she'd have broken your back in
there places, ripped your head off and mounted it for display."
``there'' -> ``three''
comma after "off"
"Oh, come on. No one would - - " his voice trailed off
at the deadly serious look in Nabiki's eyes.
fix em-dash
"Trailed off" is not a suitable replacement for said.
" - - would they?"
he finished weakly.
"Didn't you notice how she moved to keep herself
between you and Ranko? And how she dropped back, just
slightly, into your blind spot when I came up on your other
side?"
Ukyou shook his head, blankly and Nabiki resisted the
urge to smack him again.
drop comma after "head"
comma after "blankly"
Exactly how do your shake your head blankly?
"How do you expect to beat Genma
and Ranma if you miss simple stuff like that? Akane could
see you move, and you'd lose time trying to find her, if you
attacked. That gave her a big advantage." Nabiki suddenly
thought of something that had been bothering her. "How
come you haven't been arrested for . . . that?" she jerked a
thumb at the uber-spatula.
said or split
"I have a permit to carry it."
Which meant he'd bribed someone, or knew someone,
or knew someone, who knew someone.
Drop the last comma.
Nabiki understood
how the game was played, she played a little herself.
comma -> semicolon
"Well, aren't you the clever little boy," she was
pleased to see Ukyou flush at her tone, "now, here's a little
trick you might not have seen before."
Said or split. A couple times.
Ukyou followed her pointing finger, to see a roasted
sweet-potato vendor, set-up just outside the gates to
Furinkan.
Drop the last comma.
Which was strange, since it wasn't the season yet
for roasted sweet-potatoes. He thought he saw a flash of
colour at the man's cuff and collar.
"Yakuza?" The tattoo's were an almost certain
giveaway, but he wanted to be sure. "What makes me believe
that the Yakuza would pay any attention to a school girl like
you?"
"They wouldn't," Nabiki answered candidly. "But his
grandmother," Nabiki explained, "went to school with my
grandmother . . .and his mother went to school with my
mother," Ukyou was beginning to look a trifle uneasy.
said or split between "mother" and "Ukyou"
"So,
you might want to avoid doing anything that would upset his
grandmother or mother." She smiled sweetly, as she left
Ukyou at the gates staring sourly at the sweet-potato vendor,
before he turned away from the school and vanished into the
crowded streets.
Train wreck. Drop both commas; add comma after "gates".
"Hi Nabiki!" Kimiko came running up, braids flying in
the wind. "Have you seen the roasted sweet-potato vender?"
She pointed at the heavyset man. "I've never seen one this
early in the year. I wonder who he is?"
"Never seen him before." Nabiki answered.
period after "before" -> comma.
"We'll
have to buy something from him at lunch, to make him feel
welcome."
Drop the comma.
The sweet-potato vendor watched Nabiki with cold
eyes until she was out of sight. Lifting his cap he scratched
vigorously where his wig was itching as he pondered his next
move.
*****
*****
"How was that?" Akane stepped back from the heavy
bag, wiping the sweat from her brow with the back of her
sleeve. "My high kicks have always been weaker than I would
like, but . . ."
add period after ellipsis
she slapped her knee brace lightly, then
shrugged.
capitalize "she"
"Ummmm . . ." Ranma, watching silently from the
sidelines while Akane went through her repitoir of attacks,
unfolded from the floor with cat-like grace.
two superfluous spaces
``watching'' -> ``having watched''
"Well . . .it's
kinda hard to say. Ya see, we've got different styles." He
moved to stand in front of the bag, automatically settling into
a relaxed Black-Tiger stance. "I like speed," his arms blurred
into action, hitting the tough canvas so quickly that it sounded
like a continuous dull rumble, until the seam burst open and
sand spilled onto the floor, "an' technique. You," he walked
back to Akane, who he noted was staring at the ruined bag
with gratifying admiration, "like brute-force an' meanness."
Said or split. A couple times. Probably split and add em-dashes to
tie the speech together.
"I like speed --" His arms blurred into action, hitting the tough canvas
so quickly that it sounded like a continuous dull rumble, until the seam
burst open and sand spilled onto the floor. "-- an' technique. You --" He
walked back to Akane, who he noted was staring at the ruined bag with
gratifying admiration. "-- like brute-force an' meanness."
Akane tore her gaze from the hole in the bag and
looked at Ranma. "Hey, my technique's pretty good. I've
won - - "
fix em-dash
her voice trailed off under Ranma's steady gaze.
Capitalize "her".
"Okay, what's wrong with my technique?"
"Some people," Ranma replied judiciously, "_say_
they want to hear the truth, but they really want someone to
tell them how good they are."
"I want the truth!" Akane snapped.
"A'right,"
comma -> ellipsis
Ranma ticked points off on the fingers of
his right hand,
comma -> period
"you're overextending when you punch or
kick, ya got sloppy recovery."
capitalize "you're"
comma -> period
capitalize "ya"
Akane's face tightened with
anger, but Ranma ignored the signs of an incipient storm.
"Ya're not reloadin' right, so your follow-up strikes are slow
and weak, cause you're off balance. You got no defense at
all - - "
fix em-dash
"That's not true!" Akane stomped forward. "My
defense is plenty good."
"Yeah?" Ranma's look made her flush angrily. "Which
style teaches ya to block a punch with your face?"
"I get the job done," she muttered angrily, looking
everywhere but at him.
"I can show ya how to get th' job done faster an'
better."
"I don't need your fancy stuff." the muscles in her jaw
bunched.
Capitalize "the".
"I almost had you when we fought last time."
"Alright,"
period
Ranma shrugged, turning toward the door.
"why don't we see what's in the kitchen for dinner."
Capitalize "why"
He
stepped past her and slouched in the direction of the house.
"Wait." The single syllable was dragged out of her,
like a barbed-wire breach-birth.
Ouch.
"Yeah?"
"Maybe . . .maybe I do have a few problems. Would
you," Akane struggled to get the words past the noose that
was suddenly strangling her, "please give me some . . . help."
"Struggled" is a poor replacement for "said".
"Okay."
With that single, offhand comment, Akane felt the
noose relax from around her throat.
Ranma watched a variety of emotions chase
themselves across Akane's face, before she finally settled into
a neutrally friendly expression.
POV just took a violent turn from "weakly established with Akane" to
"strongly established with Ranma". Go back through this scene and re-slant
things which connote Akane's POV.
The subject of the first clause is "Akane's emotions". The subject
of the second clause is "Akane". They don't agree. Fix.
But he could see a soft ember,
warmly glowing deep inside her eyes.
This sentence is kind of floating out there. It feels like it should
be part of the previous sentence.
*I am _so_ good,* he thought smugly.
asterisks -> double-quotes
'Course it
didn't hurt that girls were so gullible.
Ditch the contraction. This is Ranma-centric narrative, not Ranma's
quoted thoughts.
************************************************
Chapter: 21
Qin zei qin wang
(Catch the ringleader to nab the bandits)
Kasumi stretched, sighing as her shoulders cracked,
and slumped comfortably in her chair. Finished!
Quote "Finished!" and attribute as thought.
She stacked her papers neatly and dropped them in her
book-bag, frowning as she had to shove a small package
aside. *Got to remember to give that to Ranma,* she thought,
then promptly forgot about it as she slung the bag over her
shoulder and headed out the library by a side door.
asterisks -> double-quotes
"Let me get that for you."
Kasumi's automatic thank-you cut off with a gasp as
she took in the figure in bulky robes and beehive straw hat
standing in the dimly lit stairway.
"Who - - "
fix em-dash
A broad strong hand clamped a cloth saturated in a
sweet-smelling liquid over her mouth.
comma after "broad"
Her involuntary gasp of
fright filled her lungs, there was a brief burning sensation,
then nothing.
comma-splice. period after "lungs"; capitalize "there"
"Filled her lungs" with what? (``[...]filled her lungs with cloying
sweetness.'', maybe?)
Working quickly the monk wrapped her limp body in
the rug he'd brought with him.
comma after "quickly"
He slung the shapeless bundle
over his shoulder and simply walked down the stairs and
across the campus, attracting some notice, but no outcries.
...Because there's nothing suspicious about a carpet roll with a pair
of shoes sticking out of the end of it. ^^
****
****
Kasumi woke with a groan, feeling as if the Tokyo
Dome had emptied a Backstreet Boys concert audience across
her tongue in muddy boots.
Eww. Double-eww for mentioning the Backstreet Boys. Why not use
something appropriate to the time and place -- an X-Japan concert, perhaps.
Obviously she'd forgotten her
vow to _never_ play drinking games with Nabiki again.
Nabiki "Hollow Leg" Tendo, eh?
She
started to sit up, and found she couldn't move.
This join feels funny. Personally, I'd do ``and found'' -> ``only to
find''.
Twisting her
head to one side she looked through bleary eyes and saw her
arm was fasted to the head of a bed with broad silk bands.
comma after "side"
Lifting her aching head she saw her ankles were similarly
secured.
comma after "head"
She was tied to the bed!
Shock! Horror! Wonderful ecchi thoughts!
This half-blend between narrative and quoted thought feels
bad. Either use quoted thought or dispassionate narrative.
Slowly another fact
bubbled to the surface of her muddled brain.
comma after slowly
Consider replacing the period with a colon.
She was naked?
Again: Quoted thought or dispassionate narrative.
Around her the dirty grey walls of a warehouse disappeared
into the shadows.
comma after "her"...I think...
"Awake already?"
Suddenly sober she tried to jerk away from the voice,
but the soft bonds held fast.
comma after "sober"
"Where is Saotome Genma?" The bed sagged as the
figure settled beside her. "Where is his son Ranma?"
"I . . .who are you." Her voice broke and she closed
her eyes, hoping this was all a nightmare. Things like this just
didn't happen to people in real life.
"I'm a dutiful son to my mother, loyal to the memory
of my father."
Anonymous in the beehive hat and shapeless kimono
the figure was inhuman, and frightening.
drop the comma
comma after "anonymous
comma after "kimono"
Is "kimono" the right word? I'd swear there was a more appropriate
name for what you want. (The garment I'm thinking of is what Jubei in
Ninja Scroll is wearing...although it's been so long since I've watched
Ninja Scroll that I could be completely off-base.)
The large double
row of pom-pom's running down the front of his kimono and
huge coloured neck ruff gave him the appearance of a
monstrous clown.
"Little-Known Fact #793: 95% of all children are sexually abused by
clowns. Including you. Can't remember? That's probably all fro the
best." --The Parking Lot Is Full (www.plif.com); May 30, 2001
"Where is Genma?"
"I don't know." Kasumi whispered, frightened at
being in the hands of a madman, wearing a costume from a
bad historical drama.
period after "know" -> comma
drop comma after "madman"
"Once there was a man," the madman's voice took on
the cadence of a story-teller. "named Hibiki.
said or split. Split, i think, with an em-dash to bridge the quote.
"Once there was a man --" The madman's voice took on
the cadence of a story-teller. "-- named Hibiki.
He wasn't rich or
powerful or perhaps even very smart.
comma after "rich"
comma after "powerful"
But his wife loved him
and his son adored him."
comma after first "him"
Shifting slightly, the featureless
straw face turned directly toward the bound schoolgirl.
Mis-attributed action. You have the "featureless straw face"
turning, when it's the man wearing it who's turning.
"One
day a _friend_ persuaded the man to invest in a business - - "
fix em-dash
Kasumi paled at the venom that suddenly infused the
voice.
" - - salvaging precious metals from discarded
computers.
fix em-dash
They were going to get rich mining garbage
dumps for gold and silver and platinum. But the man's friend
vanished, and his life's savings with him. So the man lost his
home, his honor and all hope, until . . ."
comma after "honor"
add period after ellipsis
the voice grated to a
halt, then continued after a pause.
capitalize "the"
"His wife went to live with relatives and his son . . .
his son went into the mountains of Iga and learned things.
Wonderful things,"
comma -> period
He place a hand under Kasumi's chin and
tilted her head back until all she could see was the smooth
blank surface of his beehive-hat. "Terrible things."
Kasumi shrank back, pressing deep into the mattress.
"Has your memory improved? Do you know where
Genma is hiding,"
comma -> question mark
he whispered. "Where to find Ranma?"
"I don't know, really I don't."
"I see I'm going to have to persuade you." A slender
knife appeared in his hand and Kasumi whimpered in fright.
"I don't know, Please."
comma -> period or exclamation point
Tears welled up in her eyes
and ran down her cheeks. "I don't know where Genma is.
Please don't hurt me."
"Hurt . . .?" He sounded shocked, then chuckled.
"This?" He waggled the blade, pulling a sausage out of a
hidden pocket and slicing off a piece. "I missed lunch, waiting
for you to finish up in the library." With surprising delicacy
for such a broad scarred hand he shaved off paper thin slices
and fed them through a slit in his head covering.
comma after "hand"
"I'd offer
you some," he said apologetically, "but the drug I used makes
your stomach sensitive."
"Thank you," Kasumi whispered, politely. "But I'm
not very hungry."
"Now then," he folded the empty wrapper and put it
neatly into the trash.
said or split
"I would really appreciate it if you would
tell me where to find Saotome Genma and his son."
"I really don't know," Kasumi choked out. "Genma
ran away weeks ago, and Ranma comes and goes. But I don't
know where he stays or when he'll come by the house."
With a heavy sigh the man rotated his shoulder to
loosen them and flexed his fingers.
comma after "sigh"
"I'd like to believe you, I
really would," he reached into the hidden pocket and
produced a leather pouch.
"but I need to be sure."
commas -> em-dashes
capitalize "he"
em-dash before "but"
"What . . .what are you going to do?" Kasumi asked
in horrified fascination as he pulled a silk scarf from the
pouch.
"I'm just going to ask you some questions" her captor
replied, trailing the end of the scarf across her bare shoulder
and between the valley of her breasts.
comma after "questions"
"And you're going to
answer them."
Kasumi gasped at the feather light touch.
insert spaces here
"Wh . . .wh
. . .what are you _doing_!" She squeaked, trying to suppress
a giggle that seemed horribly inappropriate.
"Did you think I would try to beat answers out of
you?" he said conversationally, as if Kasumi were a chance
acquaintance and not a kidnap victim tied naked to a bed.
``said'' -> ``asked''
``kidnap'' -> ``kidnapped'' or ``kidnapping''
"Or
perhaps thumbscrews and hot irons?" At the expression of
Kasumi's face he chuckled, the sound oddly distorted by the
heavy straw hat covering his face. "The human body is built to
fight pain. And with enough pain I could get a stone to
confess, though not necessarily the truth."
The scarf continued it's maddening, endless journey,
like a thousand butterfly kisses across her breasts and belly.
"But _pleasure_," he switched tactics, trailing the very
tip of the silk across her breasts.
comma after "pleasure" -> ellipsis
capitalize "he"
"The body craves pleasure."
Kasumi moaned at the teasing sensations, flushing in
mortification as her nipples stiffened, like little soldiers
coming to attention.
Drop the second comma, I think.
"I am a master of Tantric Zen," he continued, pulling
out a second scarf. "And your body _burns_ like a furnace
with sexual energy. I can see your meridians of power, the
excess of Yin, how your body cries out for Yang."
Either split into two sentences at power, or use a colon there and
replace the last comma with a semicolon.
An anguished mewling sound was forced from
Kasumi's lips as the second scarf caressed the delicate
junction between her legs.
``was forced'' -> ``forced itself''
Involuntarily her body arched off
the bed, straining against her bonds in an effort to deepen the
contact.
comma after "involuntarily"
"Within an hour you will tell me everything you know
about Genma and Ranma.
comma after hour
Within two . . ."
add a period
he stopped his
delicious torture and a hoarse cry of loss was wrenched from
Kasumi's throat.
capitalize "he"
``was wrenched'' -> ``wrenched itself''
"You will belong to me body and soul."
comma or semicolon after "me"
He
teased the silk along the inside of her knee and the bound girl
wept with frustration. "You will then willingly betray Genma
to me."
Kasumi gasped as he pressed a Ki meridian, flooding
her brain with endorphin, making her feel deliciously helpless
and feminine.
``endorphin'' -> ``endorphins''
drop the last comma; insert an "and"
"deliciously helpless and feminine"? Somehow that description just
doesn't fly with me. On second thought, my reaction comes from the way you
have it resulting solely from the endorphin rush; follow my "drop comma;
insert and" advice and my problem goes away. Go figure.
As she sank into an erotic haze she knew she
would betray Genma, Ranma, her father and sisters.
comma after "haze"
comma after "father"
She
would do anything to ease the fire his touch had ignited.
"Of course, repeated treatments will leave you a
mindless zombie, so let us hope you find Genma quickly."
Manipulating Ki points the monk watched Kasumi's eyes turn
black as they dilated.
comma after "points"
In a few moments they would contract
and at that instant she would imprint on him, like a baby
chick, and slavishly follow his every - -
comma after "contract"
fix em-dash
The massive steel loading-dock doors crashed open
under a tremendous blow.
"Under" connotes a spatial relationship; you want a chronological
relationship.
One hung drunkenly by a single
twisted hinge, the other hit the ground with a thunderous
crash and skidded across the dusty floor.
comma -> semicolon
"My lady!"
capitalize "lady"
Kunou Kodachi stood frozen in the
doorway, long cape swirling around her ankles, huge two-
hand flamebard clenched in one steel gauntleted hand,
thirteen-inch Acorn dagger hanging from her right hip.
``flamebard'' -> ``flambard''
Would VERY MUCH BENEFIT from being split into two sentences.
Blood
thundered in her ears as she saw the stranger lay profane
hands on the sacred person of her Kasumi-sama.
POV violently shifts from Kasumi to Kodachi. Scene break needed. A
good place to put it would probably be right after "My Lady!"
Without
hesitation she charged the monk, fire in her eyes, forty-six
inches of steel in her hand. "You fiend!"
The monk flung himself to one side and snatched his
staff from where it leaned against the corner of the bed.
"For God, Kasumi-sama and St. George!" Kodachi
roared, spinning her flame-bladed pike-breaker in a vicious
cut that would have bisected the monk like a soggy loaf of
bread if it had connected.
Diving to one side, the monk snapped the concealed
blade into place with a flick of his wrist, then lunged for
Kodachi's belly in one sinuous movement.
Twisting away, Kodachi felt a tug as the razor-sharp
steel ripped through her doublet. Shortening her grip on the
flambard, for better close-quarter work, she whirled her cape
around her left arm to use as a cape-main-gauche or sword-
tangler.
Drop the comma after "flambard"
Stepping back she let the point of her sword almost
touch the ground, just behind her leading left foot in a
modified Fools-Guard, deliberately presenting herself as a
target.
comma after "back"
drop comma after "ground"
The monk took the bait and Kodachi demonstrated
why it was called Fools-Guard, snapping her cape like a whip
to tangle his spear-arm, dragging him off balance as she
stepped back sharply to her left, at the same time raking the
heavy blade diagonally across his abdomen in a powerful
back-swing.
comma after "bait"
insert "and" before "at"
superfluous space
Would VERY MUCH BENEFIT from being split into two sentences.
With a shout the monk spun right, moving away from
her blade while yanking hard on the entangling cape, trying to
turn her move against her. But Kodachi had learned from a
master of Medieval Fence, who believed that blood and pain
were the best way to learn the dirty back-stabbing, eye-
gouging, nut-kicking tricks that kept you alive in combat.
Almost before the monk had started his move she'd spun the
cape loose from her arm and jumped back, sword pommel
low against her right knee, blade angled to stab upward from
her Ox-Ploughs guard.
More cautiously now the monk circled slowly to
Kodachi's left, puzzled by her fifth-century Great-Sword
technique, but instinctively trying to force her to expose her
unguarded side.
``More cautiously now'' -> ``More cautious now,''
Drop comma after "technique", I think.
Kodachi recognized his ploy and instantly countered
with her own attack, striking hard and low at his legs, forcing
him into a low guard with his staff. The instant she felt her
blade hit his staff she stepped forward, slamming the sword's
cross-guard into his temple.
comma after "staff"
Reeling from the smashing blow
the monk stumbled back, losing his distinctive head-covering.
comma after "blow"
"What sorcery is this?" Kodachi gasped, sword
wavering as she stared at the monks opaque, film covered
eyes. "Thou 'rt blind!"
"The price of my art," the monk grated, grasping his
rosary and focusing his power. "The light of this world for
sight in the next." The air shimmered as if from the heat of a
great fire as he hurtled his rosary at Kodachi shouting a word
of power.
``shouting'' -> ``and shouted''
The mystic beads struck with a tremendous
explosion that blew out the windows and hurtled Kodachi
against the wall like a rag-doll. The dust cleared, to show her
crumpled against the wall, sword still clenched in her fist.
Awkward sentence. Rephrase.
The
monk took a step forward, then froze as Kodachi rose to one
knee with a groan. Driving the point of her great-sword into
the floor she pushed herself up along the wall and faced the
monk.
comma after "floor"
"Know that your foul magiks have no effect against a
Knight of Christendom."
"Magics" or "magicks"; there is no "magiks".
Beneath her smoldering doublet
could be seen the shattered remains of a mail shirt, a red-
enameled sterling-silver Templar's cross now visible, hanging
about her neck.
em-dash after "shirt"
How exactly do you "shatter" a mail shirt? Especially while the
person is still wearing it? The person would break well before more than a
handful of links of the mail would.
"I fight in God's name and that of my good
lady.
comma after "name"
capitalize "lady"
His hand shields me while her pure love sustains me."
Heh. Said love won't be so "pure", in a moment.
Kodachi shrugged and the ruined mail fell to the
ground with a thud.
comma after "shrugged"
"I fear not your satanic master, for he can
give me no hurt." Cracked ribs protested as she straightened
up and she bit back a moan of pain.
comma after "up"
"He can give me no
_significant_ hurt." she corrected, incurably truthful as all
faithful Knights of the Temple must be.
period after "hurt" -> comma
Grasping the amulet about her neck, that held within
a piece of the True Cross, she muttered a brief prayer, then
brought her great-sword above her head in the "Wrathful
Guard", right hand on the pommel, left against the hilt with
the blade angled behind her back.
Would VERY MUCH BENEFIT from being split into two sentences.
drop comma after "neck"
``that'' -> ``which''
"I am Kunou Kodachi, daughter and grand-daughter
of Samurai," her eyes began to glow as her body swelled with
power.
said or split
"Knight protector of the Lady Kasumi, last of the
Temple Knights," her teeth bared in a snarl, "and your
DEATH!"
said or split
The monk barely had time to bring his staff to high-
guard position before Kodachi was upon him, great-sword
moving as if it were a willow-wand, not seven pounds of
steel.
``not'' -> ``rather than''
The warrior-monk's first counter was nearly his last as
the flame-like ripples of her blade set up a fierce vibration in
his staff that nearly wrenched it from his hands.
``that'' -> ``which''
Letting the
blade slide down her gauntleted hands Kodachi spun it like a
staff, catching him behind the knees with the guard and
jerking him off his feet.
comma after "hands"
With lightning speed the monk rolled aside, his spear
stabbing upward like a striking snake.
comma after "speed"
Spinning left Kodachi
felt the spear-point grate along her ribs.
comma after "left"
With an internal howl
of triumph she clamped her arm against her side, twisting left,
binding his blade.
comma after "triumph"
drop comma after "left"; insert "and"
There was an instant of shock on the blind monk's
face as he realized she'd used her body to trap his weapon,
and in that instant Kodachi whirled her sword up and down in
a one-handed 'Cut from the Roof' that would have sliced the
monk from crown to crotch if not for his supernatural
quickness and Kodachi's injuries. The blade caught him on the
shoulder, biting deep as he rolled away, abandoning his
weapon. With a shout he kicked out from where he lay on the
ground, smashing Kodachi savagely in the knee.
comma after "shout"
As she fell
heavily to the ground he scrambled out the door, trailing
blood and curses.
comma after "ground"
After a moment Kodachi struggled to her feet, biting
back a surge of nausea as her abused knee protested.
comma after "moment"
Distracted by the throbbing joint, which felt like someone had
been sawing at it with barbed wire, she forgot about her side.
Until the took a step, and the pain almost made her throw up.
drop comma after "joint"; insert em-dash
drop comma after "wire"; insert em-dash
drop period after "side"; insert em-dash; lowercase "until"
Clenching her teeth until her jaw hurt she hobbled over to the
bed, using the flambard like a crutch and sliced Kasumi's
bonds with her dagger.
comma after "hurt"
drop comma after "bed"; insert em-dash
em-dash after "crutch"
Settling on the bed with a groan, she examined the
long, shallow cut along her side. Calling on her Templar
training she forced back the pain, slowing the flow of blood to
a sluggish trickle as her body began to heal itself with
astounding quickness.
comma after "training"
Raising Kasumi from the bed Kodachi
patted her face gently. "My Lady, ar't well?"
comma after "bed"
Kasumi opened her eyes and Kodachi swallowed hard
as 'Her Lady' stared back at her with eyes that were all
whites, except for tiny pin-point pupils.
comma after the first "eyes"
"all whites" is a bad description; it makes it sound like her iris is
bleached white. Strike "with eyes that were all whites, except for" and
insert "through".
"My . . .My Lady?" Kodachi said hesitantly, slightly
unnerved by Kasumi's fixed stare.
``said'' -> ``asked''
"Kodahchi," Kasumi breathed.
"Thank G . . .Gahhhh!" Kodachi squeaked as Kasumi
wrapped her naked length around her savior. "My LADY!"
"Kodachi!" Kasumi seemed determined to refute the
assumption that two bodies couldn't occupy the same space
at the same time. Kodachi's ribs protested and she found it
hard to breath, as her face was pressed firmly between
Kasumi's breasts.
"My lady," Kodachi gasped, struggling to free herself
>from Kasumi's prison of flesh, "this is not seemly . . .my
shirt!" Kodachi grabbed for the disappearing garment, but
found that Kasumi seemed to have grown several extra arms.
Without really knowing how, Kodachi suddenly found herself
the one in need of rescue, as Kasumi, with loving but ruthless
efficiency, divested Kodachi of her clothing and used it to
secure her to the bed.
"Please my lady . . .hehehe . . .that tickl - - NOoooh.
No you must not . . .whoooop . . . my pants!" Kodachi
squeaked breathlessly. "Stop . . . Oh my!"
To restate: Wai! Yuri luv-luv!
************************************************
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