Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
Shitsui@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Author�s Notes: Credit Xannee for the nagging, Lyra
for editing. For previous parts, see my website:
http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver
CHAPTER ONE
The second time I met Tsukishiro Yukito didn�t go as
easily as the first.
That tends to be the way of things, I�ve found. In
spite of what some people may think, counselors are
human, and we have our bad days, too. Perhaps that's
why I wasn't as perceptive as I should have been- but
I doubt it. Yukito and Yue are two of the smartest
individuals I have ever met, and they easily wove me
into their web without even consciously trying.
It would be a week after I would discover that Yukito
had pulled me into his reality, and later still that I
would find out that reality as I knew it truly didn�t
exist around Yukito.
But that would be in the next session.
I had had a very long day, and was thinking very much
of a long soak in a bath tub, a good movie, and my
cat, Miss Lily, cuddling in my lap as I watched it.
Still, I knew I had Yukito coming as a final client,
and I needed to devote my full attention to him.
Having a split personality, as I suspected he did, was
a serious problem, and he needed nothing but my best.
I did what I could for him, but occasionally a client
outsmarts a therapist- not often, since we�re trained
to watch for it, but I had underestimated Yukito.
I would learn the error of my ways, later. His
innocent face hid many more secrets than I dreamed
possible� secrets which would lead me to question
reality as I knew it. Still, I�m getting ahead of
myself.
My 6 o�clock had left 10 minutes early, muttering
about a dinner dance she had to attend. She was an
over-stressed socialite who suffered from a panic
disorder and OCD, and I was making slow process with
her. Her husband was the one who had issued and
ultimatum for her to attend therapy or seek a
separation, and she wasn�t cooperating very well. I
knew that the breakthrough would be quite a while, but
building trust between us was taking much longer than
I�d�ve liked. I was considering referring her to a
different counselor, since she was on the verge of
actively disliking me, but I wasn�t sure that was the
right step. All in all, it had been an exhausting
session.
The timer I kept on my desk went off, and I rose to
collect Yukito. I had heard him come in earlier, and
I believed in punctuality- some of my clients were
obsessed by it. In a few meetings, I would be
deliberately late to see how Yukito reacted, but I
wasn�t at that stage yet. I hated the mind games I
played, but in the long run, I needed them.
I had to have the upper hand. Still, at that second
meeting, it was Yukito who �won.� It�s sad that I
have to think about winners and losers, but there is a
subtle game being played between therapists and
clients, and the secrets the clients have are the
prize. Yukito protected himself far too well for me
to help him.
Yukito was again in the lobby, this time wearing a
brown pull-over and jeans that looked like they had
been pressed. He was working on advanced trig
homework, and I noticed he was nibbling on his pencil
absentmindedly as he pounded a bunch of figures into
the calculator. He looked up as he saw me entering,
snapping the book shut. �Imiyo-san!� he exclaimed.
Then his eyes widened slightly. �Are you feeling
okay? You look tired.�
I blinked twice, unable to stop myself. There was a
slight tenseness around my eyes, but it wasn�t
anything most people would notice; it was subtle.
Yukito was perceptive and attuned to other people,
which meant I would have to be careful around him.
Anything I said could be turned against me. I had the
feeling that though he was seeking my help, if he
decided something was wrong with my methods, he�d
throw back any of my missteps.
�I�m fine. It�s called aging,� I joked. �Wrinkles�
it�ll happen to you, too,� I teased as he shoved he
materials into his bag.
�I�m not so sure,� he whispered, but it was barely
loud enough for me to hear.
I didn�t make an issue of it as we settled into the
same seats. Yukito�s eyes darted back to the white
feathers hanging from the dreamcatchers, and I
wondered if I should move it to see what else would
capture his attention. �Did you have a nice week?� I
asked.
�It was fine,� he said. �No different than any
other.�
It took a bit of effort to keep from frowning at
that. That was a cryptic sentence if ever I heard
one. �Can you tell me about how your week usually
goes?�
He was silent for a second. �Are you starting the
therapy now?� he asked.
�I need to know more about you,� I replied
diplomatically. Most people hated being treated, even
ones as cooperative at Yukito.
He nodded. �I usually get up in the morning, and
eat. I eat a lot� enough to feed three or four
people. It used to be funny, but it�s not anymore.�
His eyes met mine, and I could see it wasn�t out of
any concern for his weight. �I simply can�t stop
eating� and though I love how food tastes, it�d be
nice to know what it feels like to be full. I spend
thousands of yen a day on food.� Yukito�s eyes
wandered around the room, paused on that object I was
getting tempted to throw out the window, before
returning to my face.
�Why do you think you eat so much?� I asked, pushing
a strand of my black hair behind my ear. Some
psychologists might say he was compensating for a lack
of love in his life, but I was willing to wager that
there was another reason. Yukito was not a textbook
case; there was no such thing as a textbook case.
People were unique to themselves.
�I don�t know,� he said.
He was lying, my gut told me. I smiled at him and
pretended to buy it; now was not the time to confront
him. �Really? That�s unusual,� I said. �People
usually have reasons for overeating- compensation for
something,� I said. �It might be something to think
about for our next session.�
He agreed, and I got the feeling that he�d agree to
it if I suggested anything. He�d find a way out of
it, but Yukito was a person who didn�t like to
disappoint anyone. I was starting to really care
about him, and something worried me. There was
something dark inside of him, and it wasn�t just Yue.
A fully-recognized alter, which I believed Yukito
himself was, had its own dark side as well.
I waited for a moment to gather my thoughts, before
deciding I was ready to press on. "Can you tell me
what it is about Yue... About what he looks like?"
"I've never seen him..." Yukito told me softly before
resting his hands on his lap. He gave the impression
of being utterly at ease, but I saw that his knuckles
were beginning to turn white.
I nodded. "Well... Did he ever tell you what he looks
like?"
"No. Yue never talks to me. Whenever he comes out, I
black out," Yukito informed me, and now the tenseness
seemed to be traveling to his eyes.
I thought for a second. "How often does he come out?"
Yukito thought it over before replying. "It depends.
He comes out in times of duress, or... Well, he's very
fond of the moon. Do you speak Chinese?"
"No, I never learned. I speak English and some Latin,"
I replied. I wondered where he was leading me.
"'Yue' is Chinese for moon. He has a real affinity for
the night and the moon," Yukito said. "Sometimes,
usually on clear nights, I'll black out and... Well,
wake up somewhere completely different place well into
the morning."
"When you black out, do you have any clue what
happened when you regain control?" I asked, trying to
gauge where he was on the MPD spectrum.
"No. Yue, though, is aware of everything." He met my
eyes and there was a deep sorrow in them, and he
seemed to be aware of how significant that was.
Yue... Was most likely the core, I realized. Yukito...
Was an alter. Yukito hadn't been kidding when he said
he'd been "created" around tenth grade. It made me
wonder if there were other personalities in his mind,
since it was unheard of for the first split to occur
so late in life.
The thought made my stomach drop into my feet. I
didn't want to believe that the likable young man who
sat before me wasn't "real," but I knew that it was
probably true. "Yukito" was merely an identity who
bore the name of the body, but was not the "original"
personality. He was transitory... Someday, he might
fade away, when "Yue" decided that "Yukito" had served
the function he had been created for. It worried me,
but I knew I had to accept it. I hoped that Yukito's
boyfriend could, and would be able to understand the
person he loved might suffer a strange form of death
while his body lived.
"Are you able to communicate with Yue in any way?" I
asked.
"He talks to Sakura quite a bit... Sometimes Touya,
but mainly Sakura."
I wondered what Yue, this cold being that was
gradually evolving in my mind, had to do with a twelve
year old girl. I wished I could speak to him. "Would
it be possible for you to give her a note to give to
him?" I suggested.
He blinked at me, his glasses making the movement look
slightly owlish. "Sure.. But... Why would I want to?"
"Because... Ask him to leave you notes when he leaves
you somewhere. Start carrying a small reporter's
notebook and a pen, and you'll feel a bit better. Keep
an emergency kit on you- a phone card, 5000 yen, that
notebook, so if you wind up somewhere really weird, at
least you're not stranded."
Yukito smiled shyly. "He hasn't stranded me
anywhere... Yet."
"Yet..." I pointed out. "But you're afraid he will."
Yukito nodded. "He's so much... Stronger than I am."
I smiled at him gently. �Strength is how we choose to
define it, Yukito-san,� I told him softly. �We are as
strong as we allow ourselves to be. If you think you
are weak� then you are weak. If you believe you are
strong� then you become so.�
He blinked slowly, removing his glasses to polish
them on his shirt. Without them, his eyes looked wider
and more innocent, and my maternal instincts urged me
to promise him everything would be alright; that was
the last thing I would ever do. I could never, ever
make a promise, since I had no way of knowing what the
future would hold for him. �You sound like
Sakura-chan. She�s always saying� everything�s going
to be okay,� he whispered softly, as though he was
reading my mind. �I hate to think of the day when she
learns the world isn�t a perfect place��
�We all hate to think of the day when a child is
forced to grow up,� I agreed, speaking softly. �It�s
our nature to want to protect those who are innocent.�
His amber eyes looked up at me, without the
protective shield of his glasses still, and for a
second, I almost got lost in the sorrow I saw there.
�Sakura and To-ya don�t deserve to have that happen to
them� though sometimes I wonder how innocent To-ya
ever was� he always�.� Yukito broke off, and sighed.
Then he replaced his glasses, and a wall went up
around him.
�Do you want to tell me a little bit about Touya?� I
asked curiously.
Yukito blushed and shook his head. �Touya would hate
it if he knew I was talking about him. He�s an
immensely private person.�
�It would help me gain a better picture of your life,
Yukito-san,� I replied, wondering why he was suddenly
erecting barriers around himself. I was getting close
to something he wanted to keep secret� but what?
He shook his head again. �I�m sorry, Imiyo-san. Some
things are private�. Even for me.�
I glanced at the clock; we had run over by five
minutes. �Yukito, there�s a support group for
multiples I�d like you-�
�No,� he said softly. �I�d rather work one-on-one.�
I blinked. He�d been very open at our first session,
and I had assumed he would be willing to go; careless
of me to make assumptions. �Okay,� I agreed. �Shall we
say same time next week?�
He agreed, smiling, and the warmth of his expression
helped me dismiss some of the uneasiness I felt about
the last fifteen minutes of our session.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
September 13
Second session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Some
rather interesting developments, none of which should
be surprising, though I do find them so.
Yukito reports an unusually large appetite, denied
knowing reasons for it when I asked why. I believe him
to be lying.
I suspect that Yukito is not the core identity;
rather, Yue or some other personality is the true
core, and Yukito is merely the controlling alter. .He
experiences blackouts whenever Yue takes control, and
Yue is known to be fond of doing so without warning.
Interestingly, Yue is Chinese for �Moon�, and he seems
to have a preference for controlling the shared body
on clear nights, particular ones with the moons. Yue
is also fond of Sakura and to a lesser extent Touya. I
do wonder about this; from the way Yukito describes
him, the best word to sum Yue up would be �distant�.
Yukito is reluctant to speak too much on his
relationship with Kinomoto Touya; this actually
reassures me that he IS a normal patient. Patients who
are too willing to help make me nervous.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Notes:
Again, a focus on Yukito- Yue fans are encouraged to
wait a little� he�s coming.
=====
Sing what you can't say
Forget what you can't play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music...
My loveletter to nobody
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Quicksilver/
http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver/
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