Brian Randall wrote:

should head off a few questions that this chapter might create. If this
chapter shows up twice, read this version and not the first one. Also

got a

few simple grammar errors cleaned up in this version as well

I don't rememebr seeing it pass through....

It didn't. One of life's great mysteries.

 Barring something horrible happening, should be going to Otakon this
 weekend, so this might be the last post I make. If I don't reply to

people

 before next week, that's the reason why

I don't really have an excuse. Just terminally slow. Hopefully I can
change that today....

You have. :)

"But I'm her husband. Surely someone can explain to her that we were

happily

married for a number of years, and that it's perfectly fine to pick up

where

we left off."

Does this warrant an exclamation point?

I don't think so. He's pleading, but not that harshly.

"If you try that, the odds of us losing a father are pretty high. And

we're

fresh out of wishes to bring you back," Nabiki evaluated.

Though that has amusing merit in its own right. Hmm....

Now, now, you're being too cruel to Soun. That's my job. :)

"That's a great idea!" Akane said. "We'll start off with how you two met

and

go from there."

'Said' falls a little flat.

exclaimed?

With the situation somewhat more sober, Soun said, "I'll do as you say,

and

treat her as I would any respected visitor to our home."

sober -- somber (I think this is what you meant -- not sure)

yeah. Will change.

The girls waited for their father to pull himself together before

leading

him back to the living room, where Kachiko was waiting. As they entered,
they saw Kachiko waiting, tapping her foot impatiently. Ranma and Genma

were

also present, standing slightly behind her.

Repetition of Kachiko waiting.

Will cut the second.

I bet someone else has already pointed this out....

Nope. You're the only one that caught it.

Kachiko considered that. She then grabbed Soun by the shoulders, turned

him

around, and began pushing him towards the door, shouting, "Out! Out!

Out!"

Hehehe!

Glad that one worked.

"No way. Favors lead to nothing but trouble."

"Out! Out! Out!" Kachiko shouted and returned to shifted so she was

trying

to drag Soun out instead of pushing him.

Remarkably insightful.

He has learned some things over time.

Nabiki's eyes were wide as she barely was able to associate the man

before

her with what she knew him to be. "Daddy?"

HAH!

Glad that worked too.

I'm guessing that the references to her pulling up her shorts are due to
having narrower hips than Akane? I think this was mentioned before....

Yep.

"You probably blocked out the memories. That happens with traumatic
experiences, especially when you're young," Soun explained to her.

... ouch.

One thing that hasn't improved: her sense of humor.  Still as sucky as ever.
It's not easy coming up with painfully bad jokes either.

goad..." She tucked the notebook inside her gi, and started whistled
innocently. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's fight. Go ahead and warm up

and

let me know when you're ready."

goad..." -- goad...."

Four periods in an elipses that terminates a sentence.

Actually that was the last word and it ended. I should just cut the elipses.

Maybe  he'd -- Maybe he'd (extra space)

And:

Fool! You know not what you do!

Overconfidence combined with holding back, not a good combination going into
a fight.

Kachiko gave a disapproving noise as she looked at the prone figure

before

her. "Geez, you're gullible. What sort of idiot calls out an attack

before

she makes it? It's like saying, 'I'm going to punch you in the face. See

if

you can block it in time'. And I thought you were a tough martial

artist."

She pulled up her pants yet again. "And I really got to get this problem
taken care of." She departed, leaving Ranma lying unconscious on the

floor.

Wow.

I didn't think it was possible for me to like Kachiko less.

I was wrong!

She's not supposed to be particularly likable at this point (the reason for
this will become clear by the end). In many ways she's very much an
antagonist to the cast, causing trouble in many different ways rather than
making things better. And given the fact of what her background is, she's
really going to have to rub  her 'family' wrong to get on their bad side.
Nabiki it happened fast. It's only now starting to affect Akane.

Nabiki watched hungrily as Kachiko rolled the bills out of the fold, one

at

a time. That was an impressive amount of money for her mother to carry
around, its size comparable to the amount Nabiki usually kept on her

person.

How Kachiko had accumulated such an amount in her own past time, Nabiki

was

reluctant to guess, though it did bode well. The more money Kachiko had
access to, the more money Nabiki would have access to as well.

Swiped it when she hugged Nabiki... I see.

Yep.

And the final blow to prove her superiority was that all of the clothing
Kachiko had chosen were things Nabiki had borrowed from Akane. Oh well,
being set back to square one would be a good lesson for Kachiko in how

the

pecking order worked around here. Nabiki at the top, and everyone else
somewhere below. And that including time-lost parents who thought they

were

smarter than everyone else.

These paragraphs are designed to show how thorougly Nabiki was duped,
thus underscoring Kachiko's sneakyness.

Nabby wasn't that 'thoroughly duped.' She did get back at Kachi, both by
seeing through the charade of 'making up' and by making her pay for useless
clothing (a bit of a pyrric victory given it was Nabby's money, but Kachi
was successfully tricked). Again since Kachi is an antagonist, she has to at
least be able to hold her own with Nabby, and this does need to be
established early (though in hindsight I did that too much in this chapter).
In this case Nabby did underestimate her a bit, and came out on the downside
this time out. However Nabby gets revenge by the end of next chapter by
successfully siccing Hinako on Kachi. It's especially vexing to Kachi in the
long run because she still can't get one up on Hinako, losing every time
they butt heads. The Nabby-Kachi duel is one of the points of conflict still
going throughout the fic. Each tends to win one/lose one, with neither
getting a real advantage. Though ironically each thinks the other is one up
on them, and subsequently each feels like they're losing.

I think I'm starting to actually hate this character.

She's too perfect. She beats everyone in their home court.

Usually any new 'serious' antagonist does, the first time out. Ryu Kumon and
Herb immidiately spring to mind. Mind you, most of them are only opponents
of Ranma, rather than having to be able to deal with Nabby as well, so that
does compound things and makes Kachi seem twice as 'bad'. As I admit in the
endnotes, this comes across too strong here, but regretably it's the way the
chapter came to me and I couldn't figure out a way to work around it, or I
would have rather than simply slapping on the endnotes. Heck, later on I go
so far as to have Kachi admit Ranma's way tougher than her, and if she
didn't play dirty tricks on him (in combination with him holding back) she
knows she'd lose.

was, in order to leave Nabiki's pride intact, Kachiko had helped herself

to

what resided in Nabiki's pocket during their 'embrace.' It was a

mother's

job to let her children believe certain things in order to treat them

like

adults, and in her opinion, this certainly qualified as one of those

moment.

And if Kachiko came out ahead financially, then it was for all the

better.

And I was right.

Yes, she did come out on top in the first round. There's not going to be
much conflict if Kachi loses the first time out unless we spend time with a
'learning curve' with her, a la what Ranma does to his opponents. And it
centers enough on her that I don't need to add that sort of thing as well.

chapter things overall did go well for her, getting the better of

Nabiki,

Ranma, and the mecha in 50K or so. It was necessary to set things up for
later, and this is the way the chapter came to me. Don't count on her

having

an easy time of it in the future. That's not to say she'll start losing

left

and right, just that it won't go all her way.

I can respect that, but I can't see it in the story well enough, and in
all honesty, that's where it needs to be visible, not the authors notes.

Agree, but I was unable to make it that way in this chapter. Her winning
percentage goes down by the next chapter. Ranma tricks her with the old
'Haley's Comet' gag in revenge for dumping him in the water, Nabby
maniuplates Hinako into going after Kachi, and Kachi immidiately loses due
to not thinking chibi-Hinako is anything than a pest. Mind you, she doesn't
become totally incompetent, but the others start getting back some of their
own.

Because it's not, I don't enjoy the story much. It's all about Kachiko
more of less whomping everyone and doing what they do best... better. Of
course, this has gone on several more chapters that I haven't read, so
who's to say what's changed?

Well, I like to think a lot. :) Luckily having the others start to get back
came to be quickly, and it's been going on ever since. Last time out, Kasumi
of all people managed to have a scheme to get Kachi to act more motherlike
work. Kachi won one herself be defeating a demon, but that was necessary to
drop a clue about her mysterious nature, which some people caught.

 Unfortunately, all I can really say here is

that Kachiko put me off of the story so much that right where I cut it
off was where I stopped.

Hmm. Too bad. I sort of hoped you'd give it a chance after I admitted this
chapter was flawed. But I understand as well. Not everyone is going to like
what I write. Sometimes it'll work, other times it won't.

You're writing for a specific audience, I imagine,

No. No target audience in mind.

and it's just not me.

Nothing wrong with that -- the jokes in the story are good, the writing
is very good, it flows well as a story.

I just don't Kachiko. Sorry. :/

As I said, I understand. I think the things you disliked get addressed to
some degree later on, but if you're not enjoying it, don't force yourself to
read it. It's all about having fun, after all.

Thanks for the comments.

D.B. Sommer

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'