Here we go with a vain attempt to get through some of the backlog of
stuff I want to C&C. ^_^

Long ago, Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:

     "Moshimoshi? Is anyone there?" There was only the

You misspelled "Hello?" ^_^;;

      Nabiki and Akane had been so good about doing
her chores while she was studying Kasumi had decided to

studying, Kasumi

     Could it have been father, she wondered, pouring oil

Father,

      Kasumi hadn't said anything to Akane of course,
but she knew Nabiki shared her fear.  At the hotel, she'd
picked up the phone seven times, and seven times put it
down, unable to make the call. Not knowing was bad, but
knowing might be even worse. If she called the bar - - if they told
her Souun was drinking again  - - Kasumi dashed angry tears

>from her eyes, surprised by sudden memories she'd thought

safely buried.

KASUMI: I finally worked up the nerve to call anyway. But I just
couldn't ask them what I wanted to. So I asked for "Mike Roche" instead.

BARTENDER: Mike Roche? Has anyone seen my crotch?

KASUMI: Hee hee!

     "Boyfriend?" Nabiki glanced sideways at Ranko as
she and Akane walked  home after school. The wind was
swirling cherry blossoms across the road and Nabiki idly
watched the patterns they made.  She hadn't seen any
'funny' stuff between Akane and Ranko while in school,
maybe she'd been over-reacting that morning. "Ukyou

school; maybe

threw me down in a ditch, tore my blouse and bruised me all
over. Does that sound like a boyfriend?"

RANKO: Well, I watch Springer every day, and...

NABIKI: Never mind.

     "I don't think he's right for you." Akane put in

 you," Akane

     Nabiki stifled a laugh. "Well, thank you
grandmother-Akane. Any other words of wisdom?"

thank you, grandmother Akane.

     "I'm glad you think it's funny," Akane groused,
hands fisted on her hips. "but you've got to think about

hips. "But
(or)
hips, "but

     "And you broke three of his fingers." Nabiki

fingers," Nabiki

     "He fell wrong", Akane excused, "Anyway, I was

wrong,"

excused."Anyway,

holding his hand, so it counts." she insisted stubbornly.

counts," she

"And we're not talking about me. I'm concerned about
you." Akane ended virtuously.

you," Akane

(Actually, you could probably do without either or both of these last
two tags. It's already clear who's speaking, and I don't think the
explanatory adjectives tell us anything we wouldn't figure out by
reading the dialog alone.)

     When was the last time Akane had friends over?

Akane had had friends

     Nabiki thought back over the past several weeks,
months, then  - - a year! It had been almost a year since
Akane brought some friends home from school. They hadn't

since Akane had brought

     Fifty. Or maybe sixty. Sixty was a good age.
Mature, stable, sensible. Akane could start dating when she
was sixty. In the meantime, she would  enjoy living in a
Cloister. In Tibet.

"Cloister" isn't the name of a specific group, so don't capitalize it.

Some nice character development in this scene, but the transition was a
bit rough. Nabiki worrying about Akane's lonliness is believable, as is
her worrying about Akane being married, but they don't really go
together, and jumping from one to the other without much of a transition
left me a bit confused.

     They arrived home, and were just outside of the
gate, when a piercing scream blasted through the tangle of
Nabiki's thoughts.

     "What was that?" Ranko's head snapped around,
body quivering with suppressed tension.

NABIKI: A piercing scream. Like I said.

     "Nobody's home, unless father's back," Nabiki

Father's

answered, standing stock still. "but that sounded like a

still. "But
(or)
still, "but

     *Cripes.* Ranko thought, as the gate bounced off
the wall and hung skewed on a broken hinge. Sprinting
hard, she was only a couple of steps behind, and bitterly
aware of the damage Akane was doing to her knee and hip.
After all the work she'd done on it, Ranko felt a certain
sense of ownership.

     Akane, Ranko and, several paces in the rear and

Ranko, and, several

     "NEESAMA!" With a scream like a castrated
buffalo Akane plowed through the rat-people, scattering

buffalo, Akane

them like pebbles and slammed into the robed figure who
was holding Kasumi.

     *No finesse* Ranko sighed, instantly moving to

 finesse.* Ranko

     Using a variation of 'Drunken-Monkey-Steals-an-
Apple' Ranko 'accidentally' knocked Nabiki clear of the

Apple,' Ranko

     There a couple of spare Tendous, so Ranma

There were a

     "BASTARD!"  Akane growled.

AKANE: They've killed Kenny!

RANMA: Who?

AKANE: They!

RANMA: No, I mean they killed who?

AKANE: Kenny. Like I said.

     Akane drove a short jab to her opponents heart and

opponent's

     Her opponent was no weakling though and

weakling, though, and

blindingly fast. He twisted  with her blow to rob it of power
and countered with a Cobra-Fang strike that should have
shattered Akane's fore-arm like cheap pottery.

forearm

     Instead his strike bounced, as if he'd hit an iron pipe,
and he cried out in pain. During his instant of confusion
Akane grabbed him by the throat with her left hand and

confusion, Akane

     That day was now, as her opponents hands darted
inside his robes and came out with two scythes attached to
chains.

Okay, now we know who *this* is....

     *Stop her?* From where Ranko stood, it looked like
Akane was doin' pretty good. Her heart had almost stopped
when she'd seen those damn knives and she cursed herself
for being caught out of position. Knowing she going to be

Knowing he was going to be
(missing word)

too late to stop the intruder, Ranko had started a killing
move, anyway. It would have pulped the intruders spine like

move anyway.

intruder's

a bunch of grapes, when Kasumi had jumped in front of
Ranko, in her attempt to protect Akane. Looking at the
eldest Tendou's bloody scalp, she only sorry Akane wasn't

Another missing "was" here.

     *Oh hell," Ranko thought in disgust. *Pop would
sure get a laugh outta this* There was no percentage in

this.*

     "Okay, Akane-chan, that's enough." Ranko put a
hand on her shoulder and Akane growled at him like a wild
animal. She could _feel_ it down in her bones.

Both "him" and "she/her" for the same person in the same paragraph is
confusing.

     Trying not to think about how stupid she was being
Ranko threw herself at Akane, knocking the other girl clear
of  the idiot-in-robes,  wrapping  around Akane like a living
straightjacket.

strait-jacket.

      Feeling  ribs begin to separate Onna-Ranma swore

separate, Onna-Ranma

     Despite the beating, Onna-Ranma held on,
maintaining an endless stream of nonsense sounds used to
sooth  a frightened child or a wounded animal.  With

soothe

     "I'm fine," Ranko lied, in a hoarse whisper. "How're
you doin'."

doin'?"

     With a groan Ranko unclenched cramped muscles,

groan, Ranko

     "It's Okay, sis," Nabiki assured her shakily, "see,

Don't capitalize "okay".

     Incredibly the robed figure had gotten to his feet.

Incredibly, the

     "DON'T BREATHE!" Covering her face with one
arm Ranko yanked Akane out of the cloud, dragged her to

arm, Ranko

     "Uhhh, glad I could help." Ranko muttered. At the

help," Ranko

     "How is she doctor?" Kasumi asked, having a

she, Doctor?"

     "There is some involvement."  Kasumi whitened at
the doctors bland statement, "But, her hands and arms took

doctor's

the worst of it," Chou patted Kasumi on the shoulder. "and

it."

"And

     "Her hands! "Nabiki exclaimed jerkily. "Will she . .
.I mean will there be any problems?" She was worried sick.
If anything happened to Akane's hands. If she were
crippled----she didn't know how Akane would handle that.

RANMA: Isn't she already crippled?

NABIKI: I mean besides that.

     "Stone-Fish toxin causes a great deal of pain, but we
got  anti-venom into your sister very quickly.
Unfortunately,  there were other toxins mixed in as well,"

well."

The doctor, grimly furious with vivid memories of treating
victims of the Doomsday Cult, had whipped the Tokyo
police into a frenzy to catch a dangerous lunatic, "and those

lunatic. "And

DOCTOR: The police said they'd add him to the list. But as you'd expect,
the dangerous lunatic division is stretched rather thin these days, this
being a Yonge fic and all.... :PPP

     "P . . .problems?" Nabiki felt the room start to spin.
"But, she's going to be Okay? I mean you can give her a

Don't capitalize "okay".

shot or a pill or something?"

DOCTOR: Oh, of course we can.

NABIKI: Oh, good.

DOCTOR: It won't help with her condition, but....

     "Oh, yes." The doctor assured in the breezy manner

yes," the

of someone who'd never been seriously ill. "She has an
excellent constitution and there is every reason to believe
she will make a complete recovery. Unless there are
complications." He cautioned, whipsawing Nabiki's

complications," he

emotions to the point she felt ill.

     "But that ain't likely, is it doc?" Ranko interjected

DOCTOR: No, it isn't doc. I'm Doc. Me doctor. You Ms. Tendo.

NABIKI: But my sister, Doctor!

DOCTOR: Your sister not doctor. Your sister patient. Me doctor. You Ms.
Tendo. ALBATROSS!

(Always use a comma when the speaker identifies who is spoken to: is it,
Doc?")

      Nabiki had steadily grown paler as the doctors list

doctor's

     "Ummm . . .it's none of my business," Ranko took a

business." Ranko

sip of tea, "but, what exactly happened. With Akane, I

tea. "But

happened? With

     "I don't know," Kasumi replied a little shakily,
gripping the mug of tea for warmth. "I was starting dinner
when I heard noises in the other room. I thought it was
Akane at first-----you know how enthusiastic she gets
sometimes," Nabiki nodded and Kasumi continued. "Then
these funny looking men came in the kitchen and----- "

funny-looking

     "Kami-sama!" Nabiki sat bolt upright, spilling some

KASUMI: Oh, I hardly think that could have been who they were.

BELLDANDY: Yes, He has an airtight alibi for this one.

of her tea. "I forgot," She moved to her sister, running her
hands over her, "are you alright? Should we call the doctor?

her. "Are you all right?

     "Not that, the scream." Ranko explained and Nabiki

scream," Ranko

     "Errrrr . . . what happened with Akane," Ranko

Akane?" Ranko

     "Akane was very frail as a child," Kasumi began,
seemingly apropos of nothing. "It's true," she smiled at

true." She

Ranko's snort of disbelief. "she nearly died of Scarlet Fever

"She

     "But, she got better, right? I mean, she's healthy as a
bull now." Ranko said insistently. *A really bad tempered

now,"

bad-tempered

     "It was a very hard time. Mother died, Akane almost
died and father was . . .unwell." Kasumi's eyes were

died, and Father

unfocused, looking at something only she could see.

     "I tried to . . . _we_ tried to take care of her,"

her."

Kasumi looked at Nabiki, who ducked her head. "but Akane

"But

was so young. She didn't understand how sick she was.
Only that mama was gone. Papa was . . . 'sick'. And she

that Mama was

     "NO!" Kasumi snapped, snatching the map from
Akane's hands and crumpling it in her pocket.  "You're too
sick to go anywhere by yourself, and I don't have time to
take you. I've got to get Nabiki from school, shop for
dinner, clean the house," Kasumi dashed angry tears from

house." Kasumi

her eyes. "and take care of you! Stop being so selfish. I have

eyes. "And

     "Nabiki," the middle Tendou daughter looked up

>from her homework. "Please go up and help Akane come

down to dinner." Kasumi watched her sister leave the family
room, twisting her hands beneath her apron. She had been
tempted, shamefully, to have Nabiki take a tray up to
Akane's room.  She'd made some bean-jam buns as a treat,
but she still dreaded facing her little sister. Maybe Akane
would be asleep and she could avoid-----

     "Neechan? Akane's not in her room." Nabiki was

KASUMI: --the gratuitous Japanese. But too late.

     "You'll spoil your dinner," Kasumi said
automatically. "Go out to the garden and bring Akane in.
It's to chilly for her to be out." Kasumi felt a guilty sense of

too

     "Of course she is . . .unless she's playing a trick,"

trick."

     The police . . .Kasumi knew what papa would say if

Papa
(capitalize when used as a name)

     Akane was gone.

     Mama was gone.

     Papa was gone.

     Akane was gone.

     And Kasumi didn't know what to do.

NABIKI: Isn't it obvious?

KASUMI: What? What should we do?

NABIKI: Go.

KASUMI: Oh. Right.

     "Get your coat," Kasumi commanded, reaching for
her own. Nabiki shrugged and grabbed her coat, pausing to
stuff the remaining buns into the pockets.

     "Where we goin'?"

     "To get your sister." *Please Kami-sama.*

NABIKI: What if I don't want to please Kami-sama?

*Please, Kami-sama.*
(She's using "Kami-sama" to address her plea, rather than as what should
be pleased, so it has to be set off by a comma.)

     It wasn't a very good map, done in a childish scrawl
on the back of a scrap of clinic stationary, but it was all she
had. She didn't even know Ayumi's last name. Only that she
was a girl Akane had met at the clinic, and she had a puppy.

KASUMI: So we followed the map all the way to the end. Akane wasn't
there, of course -- which made sense, considering that she'd left the
house *without* the map. It was only ten years later that she turned up,
having been tutored all those years by a pack of wild--

RANMA: You're making all this up as you go along, aren't you.

NABIKI: What was your first clue?

     "Wait here a minute," she walked across the street

minute." She

     "Don't talk with your mouth full." Kasumi said

full," Kasumi

     "Because the map isn't drawn with bus directions."
And because Akane had never traveled by bus before.
Kasumi fingered her own transit-pass nervously. The system

transit pass

     "I'm tired." Nabiki said simply, not even caring
about snacks and Kasumi knew she was in trouble.

about snacks, and Kasumi

(without the comma it reads like it was both snacks and Kasumi that she
didn't care about)

     "N . . .nee . . .sama?" Akane gasped, smiling in glad
surprise. "I . . .got . . ." her face was grey with exhaustion,

Her

     "Because it's too dangerous," Tendou Souun, said

Tendou Souun said

     "Kasumi is heir to the Musabetsu Kakutou
Tendou-ryuu," Sound explained, not for the first time. "It is

Souun

SOUN: Defamed by electronic spell-check! Oh, the indignity!

     Nabiki rolled her eyes. Kasumi was in a girls twelve
and under competition. They wore padded armor, strikes to

in a girls-twelve-and-under competition.

the head and below the waist weren't allowed and the
rounds lasted three minutes with a one minute rest between.

one-minute rest

The roughest fighters there would be some of the parents,
and they weren't allowed onto the mat. But Tendou Souun
thought his girls were made of spun sugar. When he was
sober, at least.

SOUN: When I'm not sober, they're made of green cheese. Go figure.

     "I want to watch you win, 'neesama." Akane

win, Sis," Akane
(or use the GJ if you must, but you definitely need a comma there rather
than the period since there's an explicit dialog tag)

     "We have to go now," She kissed Akane on the

now." She

     Akane watched them walk down the street toward
the bus stop until they were out of sight. "They treat me like
I'm a  baby,"  She muttered, limping back upstairs to her

baby,"  she

     Looking around the huge auditorium Akane

auditorium, Akane

swallowed a little nervously.  The train ride had been
exciting, although she'd missed a stop and had to double
back, but that meant she'd arrived late. It was so noisy and
so big she couldn't even see the other side. And there were
two other buildings! How was she ever going to find where
'neesama was competing?

     "Doujou?"

AKANE: No thank you. I've already had lunch.

     "What?" Akane jumped as a man sitting behind a
table spoke to her.

     "What doujou are you with?" He gave a friendly
smile to the broad shouldered boy in jeans and sweat-shirt.

broad-shouldered

Kid looked like a weight lifter.

The POV shift is confusing here. At first I thought the "boy" was a
third character in the scene, since the narration knew who Akane was
just one paragraph back.

     "Tendou . . .Tendou . . .oh, here it is." He looked
down the list. "You only have Tendou Kasumi registered,
though." He pulled out a thick packet of papers. "You'll
have to fill these out first." He eyed the kid, estimating his
weight class with an expert eye. "Boy's Middle Division  is

Boys'
(it belongs to more than one boy)

in building two-west."

As punctuated, it refers to a building named "two-west". Is that what
you meant?

     "B . . .boy? But I'm -----" then the rest of his

AKANE: I'm only disguised as a boy.

MAN: Oh. In that case, Transvestites' Large, building five, central.

     "Oh . . .oh YES!" She practically snatched the
envelope from his hand. "I'm here to compete!" Wouldn't
papa be surprised. He wouldn't teach her, but she peeked

Papa

     Akane looked at the papers in the envelop and

envelope

     "You did very well, daughter," Souun told Kasumi
gruffly. "I am very proud of you."

     "She was eliminated in the sixth round," Nabiki
complained, a bit peeved since she'd placed  bets on the
assumption Kasumi wouldn't make it past the fifth round.

     "But she didn't get hurt," Souun replied. "That's the
most important thing. You didn't get hurt," he asked
anxiously, "did you?"

NABIKI: That clinches it. I know who you really are, mister.

[pulls off Soun's mask to reveal....]

KASUMI: Pops Racer?!?

SOUN WHO IS REALLY POPS: Curses! I would've gotten away with it if not
for you meddling kids and your dog!

NABIKI: Hey! I told you last post, the dog thing is not my schtick!

KASUMI: Oh dear. Now, is it Akane or I who has to run away from home and
come back years later as Tendo X, the Masked Tendo?

     "I'm fine papa," Kasumi assured him, a little sadly.

fine, Papa,"

     "Yes, papa." Kasumi was too dutiful a daughter to

Papa."

contradict her papa. But she just wasn't very good at
sparring, it was too noisy and competitive.  She much

sparring; it

     "Hey," Nabiki looked at a sign on the wall. "Boys

"Hey." Nabiki

"Boys'

Full Contact, Middle Division. Let's go take a look."

     "Full contact," Souun said doubtfully. "I don't think
it's very proper for you to be seeing something like that."

KASUMI: True. After all, watching is never as good an experience as
actually participating in--

SOUN: Thank you, Kasumi, but there's no need for you to help with this.

     Kasumi tended to agree. But Nabiki would like it,
which Kasumi always thought strange. Her sister couldn't
be coaxed onto the mat under any circumstances, but she
enjoyed watching martial arts. She saw Nabiki pull out her
wallet and check the contents.  Of course, it might just be
the betting she enjoyed.

NABIKI: That's fanfiction cliche, you know. Apart from the Kinnosuke and
Gambling King incidents, neither of which I initiated, I never did any
betting in the original series.

KASUMI: Considering I'm making up this whole story as I go along, does
it matter?

NABIKI: Yes. After you're done, I'm going to write this up as a fanfic
and post it under my pseudonym.

     Edging their way down the isle Kasumi and her

aisle, Kasumi
(as this is not a Gilligan crossover....)

father found two seats together and one across the isle,

aisle

which Kasumi claimed for Nabiki by resting her gym bag on
it.

     "This isn't good," Souun measured the competitors

good." Souun

with an expert eye, forgetting his earlier objections. "that
smaller boy's stance is all wrong." He pointed to a dark
haired boy in a plain cotton gi. "His weight is too far

dark-haired
(as if that's a noteworthy feature in Japan 9.9)

forward, and the placement of his left foot is all wrong."

     "He does seem a little awkward," Kasumi agreed.
"but he _did_ make it to the finals." She watched a tall,

agreed, "but
(or)
agreed. "But

whip-cord lean boy in metallic-gold silk, glide forward with

boy in metallic-gold silk glide
(or)
boy, in metallic-gold silk, glide

panther-like grace. His opponent shuffled sideways like a
lame bear. There was something vaguely familiar about that
clumsy movement, and she wished they weren't sitting so
far back.

     "It's a disgrace," Souun muttered. "having someone

muttered. "Having

so obviously unskilled competing. Probably political
connections. Just like your opponent."

     "Oh, father."

Father."

SOUN: Yes, that girl you fought had absolutely no skill whatsoever.

KASUMI: But nevertheless kicked my butt anyhow.

SOUN: That was political connections! I'm telling you!

     "That guy screwed up all the odds," she informed
them disgustedly, around a mouthful of chips. "No one's
taking any bets on anything now. Don't know much about
him, name's Kandou or Aiko or something. Latecomer,"

Latecomer."

NABIKI: What was his name? Oh yeah. Akane. Tendo Akane. Who ever heard
of a weird name like that?

she washed down the chips with some cola, "not on the

She

cola. "Not

     In the ring, the boy in gold lashed out with a
spinning high-kick which caught the dark-haired boy on the
shoulder, tumbling him across the matt.

mat.

     "Not going to do him any good now, though."
Nabiki tapped her program with an index finger. "That's
Yamoto 'Super Foot' Kenjiro. Age sixteen and he's won
the championship every year for four years. This is his last
year in the Middle division and he's a chinch to win this
one."  She hated being at the mercy of 'wild cards' when
she was betting.

NABIKI: Darn those crossover villains from CardCaptors who keep coming
in.

     "Only if he quits, can't continue or is knocked out,"

quits, can't continue, or

      Six times the dark haired boy went down, and six

dark-haired

      Kenjiro, untouched as yet, was feeling the effects of
his continuous all-out attack. He was drenched in sweat, his
uniform was disheveled and he was smeared in blood, albeit
all his opponent's. Worse, some of the audience were
beginning to boo him.

AUDIENCE PERSON #1: It's NOT Kenjiro! It's.. it's a GIANT CHICKEN!

KENJIRO: Shaddup!

     But Kenjiro hadn't progressed as far as he had by
being careless.  Centering himself, he started his slashing
attacks, once more. It would take time, but eventually his

attacks once more.

     Contrary to his trademark spinning high-kicks, he
went in fast and low, feinting with a savage side kick to his
opponents leg to force an opening, following with a spear-
hand to the belly that should have collapsed the dark haired

dark-haired

     Instead, it was as if he'd hit a bag of wet clay. The
other boy looked at him for an instant, as if to ask 'is that all
you've got?', then a rock hard fist hit him just below the

rock-hard

     A fireball exploded and Kenjiro felt as if his chest
had collapsed into his spine.  The mat spun crazily and then
he was looking up at the ceiling while his brain bounced
around in his skull.  Moments later blurry shadows blocked
his view of the ceiling tiles as the referee and doctor bent
over him, mouths moving. But he couldn't hear anything
over the thunderous pain, couldn't breath, couldn't  scream-

breathe,

("breath" is the noun)

     "G . . .girl?" the official fell back a pace, stunned.

The

     "Hi papa!" Akane's battered face lit with a broad

"Hi, Papa!"

     "So . . ." Nabiki's conversational tones carried over
the murmur of the crowd as she spoke with one of the
judges.  "I'm thinking of writing this essay for Asian Martial
Arts Quarterly, about a nine year old girl who whips the
boy's middle division champion." She smiled cutely. "But, I
thought I'd offer you first option to buy it."

JUDGE: Buy the Asian Martial Arts Quarterly?

NABIKI: Yes, I happen to own it. And for only a little extra, I could
throw in this real nifty bridge that goes to a place called Brooklyn....

     "Are you alright, Akane?" Kasumi looked worriedly
at her baby sister.  At almost twelve years of age Akane's
body fairly glowed with energy and her densely  packed
musculature was more powerful than many grown men.

Suggest: musculature was more powerful than that of many grown men.
(or)
musculature made her more powerful than many grown men.

     "Hmmm," Akane's head swivelled excitedly back

 "Hmmm."

     "I wondered if you were feeling ill. You look a little
flushed. Maybe I should take your temperature." Kasumi
put all her weight on one crutch so she could reach into her
pocket for the small medical kit she carried anytime Akane
was traveling.

Huh? Since when was Kasumi on crutches?

     "She's just excited," Nabiki drawled, wondering if
she could sneak away long enough to lay down some sucker
bets. It was a sure thing that she could find a lot of people
who'd never seen Akane fight and would take long-odds on
her sister.  "There are weapons to buy, bones to break,
sweaty, muscular half-naked boys to wrestle into

muscular, half-naked

     "His opponent's," Akane replied, seriously. "Thai
Boxing was supposed to be invented by King Naresuen of
Siam, that's modern Thailand," she said, face alive with

KASUMI: Actually, Siam is old Thailand. Thailand is modern Siam.

NABIKI: Whatever.

enthusiasm. "and it's got really strong high-kicks, but I'm
not very good at those," she admitted.

Do you really need three explicit dialog tags in the same paragraph?

      Shifting her weight, Akane lifted her right leg
parallel to the ground, pointing to  a line of yellow callous

calluses

just forming along her shin. "And you build up your bones
by smashing them against trees and things until you can
shatter your opponents bones with-----"

     "That's alright," Nabiki held up a hand. "I don't

all right." Nabiki

     "No," Akane kicked at the floor in frustration. "He's
in the senior heavy-weight division and they won't let me."
Kasumi hid a sigh of relief, knowing Akane wouldn't
understand her worries.  "But he said he'd spar with me
tomorrow afternoon." Akane added, not noticing the

afternoon," Akane

     "Sorry I'm late," Tendou Souun came puffing up, a

late." Tendou

     "That's alright, father," Kasumi answered, gifting

all right, Father,"

     "NO," Souun flushed slightly as several people

"NO." Souun

     "Are you _sure_ you don't need any help, father?"

Father?"

     "Yeah," Nabiki had the grace to look at her sister a
little shamefaced, "I'm just tired. "but her eyes held no

shamefaced. "I'm just tired." But

     "You should show more respect to father." Kasumi

Father," Kasumi

     "Respect?" Nabiki snorted, " _him_!" She saw the

snorted. "_Him_?!"

real hurt in Kasumi's eyes and instantly relented. "I'm
sorry."

     "He is trying, you know."

NABIKI: Yes. I find him extremely so.

     She, on the other hand, held a grudge until it died of
old age, then had it stuffed and mounted, "I'll try, too."

mounted.

Nabiki linked arms with her older sister and together they
headed for the office complex.  "Why don't we pick up
some beef bowl for Akane and father," she offered, as a

Father,"

     "I think we're lost." Nabiki looked around in
frustration, balancing a stack of Styrofoam containers in her

styrofoam
(not the name of something specific, so don't capitalize)

     "I think you're right," Kasumi searched for

right." Kasumi

something familiar, but all the signs were in Thai, which
didn't help. "but we'll find our way back eventually," she

"But

added cheerfully. "after all we can see the main concourse."

"After all, we

     "Yeah, great," Nabiki said sourly, juggling the hot
food containers. "now if we just had a couple hundred feet

"Now

of rope, we'd be in business." She could see tiny lines of
strain around Kasumi's mouth as her broken leg began to
ache. "Why don't you have a seat, while I scout around for
a way out." She'd tired to follow their footprints in the dust,
back to the elevator that had brought them to this floor, but
somehow she'd gotten them all twisted around.

NABIKI: When I walk back the other way, the fat part of my foot is on
the opposite side from where it was before. Go figure.

     "Just think of it as an adventure," Kasumi patted

adventure." Kasumi

Nabiki on the shoulder. "Let's try that way," she pointed

way." She

down a corridor "maybe we can find our way back to the

corridor. "Maybe

     *Oneesama?* Akane watched the figure disappear
into the shadows, two levels above her head. *What are
they doing up there? Maybe they got lost.* she thought,

lost,* she

     "Oh, you speak Japanese." Kasumi said in relief,

Japanese," Kasumi

     "Also English, Dutch, French, Thai and Mandarin."
he smiled, holding out a business card:

He

     "Jonathan Pang, call me Johnny. Let me help you
with that," he relieved Nabiki of her burden. "I think we can

that." He

     "Just some friends of mine." Jonathan Pang smiled,
green eyes twinkling merrily as three men, one of them a
giant, stepped out of the shadows. "we were discussing

"We

some business, when we heard you talking."

PANG: And now, my friends and I are going to brutally rape the pair of
you, then sell you for medical experiments while cackling maniacally.

KASUMI: Aiieee! It's a Yonge villain!

     Johnny Peng  was in a good mood. He'd gone from
a shortfall, to being one-up, and his overhead on the deal
was zero.

He also went from "Pang" to "Peng".

     He liked the looks of  Nabiki.  About twelve or
thirteen he judged. Young and frightened brought good

thirteen, he

prices. Pity she was Japanese, though. European and
American brought the best money. Especially blonds. The

blondes.

other one might be a problem.

Suggest moving that last sentence to the next paragraph, as this one is
just about Nabsy.

     Kasumi shifted her grip on the crutch and threw it
like a spear, catching the giant in the temple, forcing him to
release Nabiki entirely. Grasping her remaining crutch as if
it were a fighting-staff, she made a halting advance on Peng,
attempting to force him away from the door. Behind
Kasumi the other guard quickly reversed course, pulling a

Kasumi, the

     "::Crap! I don't need this shit.::" Easily avoiding
Kasumi's clumsy lunge, Pang glanced over his shoulder to
see the giant snag Nabiki by the arm and yank her into the
air, one huge hand drawn back to smash in the teeth that
had drawn his blood.

     "::NO, not the face!::" Johnny yelled, seeing his

JOHNNY: Not in the face! Not in the face!

TICK: Arthur? Is that you, chum?

     He casually reached for Akane with a shovel sized
hand, unable to take an elementary-school girl seriously.
Until the school-girl twisted under his grappling hand and
struck a savage one-two combination into the nerve bundle
under his arm, a blow that would have stunned or crippled a
normal human. Qui only bellowed in pain and slammed back
with a Red-Tiger-Fist.

Red-Tiger Fist.

     "They could hear her in Hokkaido." Nabiki

Hokkaido," Nabiki

     "Not just foreigners. Japanese foreigners." Nabiki

foreigners," Nabiki

     "The Kuno's helped" Nabiki added. "Tatiwaki's

Kunos

(Kunos = more than one Kuno;
 Kuno's = that which belongs to one Kuno;
 Kunos' = that which belongs to more than one Kuno)

"Tatewaki's

grandfather was alive then, and he was a tough, shrewd old
Son-of-Nippon. Plus Tatiwaki's father wasn't about to let a

Tatewaki's

     "She wasn't raped,"Nabiki said baldly, and with
absolute conviction. "or they'd still be holding her for

conviction, "or
(or)
conviction. "Or

murder, assuming they could find any body parts big enough
to use as evidence against her. But I don't think they were
very . . . nice, to her."

     "I think almost the worst part was when they banned
her from competition." Ranko shook his head in disbelief.

Since "Ranko' obviously isn't the one who said that dialog, his reaction
should be in a different paragraph.

     "It doesn't do any good to hate." Kasumi said

hate,"

     "Oh yes it does," Nabiki disagreed hotly. "And one
of these day's I'm going to cut that  bastard Peng's balls off

days

     "Akane was always . . .well, she really believed all
the stories father used to tell her about Martial Artists
protecting the weak" Kasumi continued, "and heroic

weak,"

samurai defeating the evil shogun, protecting the oppressed
villagers  . . ." Kasumi paused a moment, trying to find the
right words.

KASUMI: She was a Kenshin fan.

RANMA: Oh.

      "After she . . .after she was home, it was as if
nothing else was _real_ anymore, except the doujou. And
us.  It was months before she'd let us out of her sight. "And

Remove extraneous quote mark.

     "He sobered up when Akane broke all his fingers
and three ribs.  And what about the gas man?"

     "Oh dear. I don't think . . ."

     "We weren't able to pay the gas bill one month and
the meter-man tried to take it out in 'trade'."

     "I don't think Ranko wants to hear----"

I don't think I do, either.

I mean, at this point I'm forced to conclude that either:

1) Kasumi has been lying through her teeth with this whole story --
something I joked about before but would be seriously suspecting by now
if I didn't know better;

2) the Tendo sisters are beset by a curse that causes the world's worst
maniacs and scumbags to gravitate into their lives;

or

3) this particular alternate continuity is crawling with so many maniacs
and scumbags that nobody other than a kick-ass martial artist can safely
walk out of his or her door.

     "Akane has been doing so well lately, and she's so
excited about competing in the next All Japan
Tournament . . ." Kasumi pressed her hands together
beneath the table to still their trembling. "she's been doing

"She's

so well. Things are going to be just fine. Just fine."

     "Hey," Ranko chirped, using the 'I'm a pal you can
trust' smile Genma had beat into Ranma over a sixth month

six-month

period. "I think she's doing great." Kasumi and Nabiki
looked at her with expressions of mixed disbelief and
hopefulness.

     "Akane's a martial artist, right? These guys broke
into her home, attacked her sister . . .and she took care of
business. End of story."

IMO, the huge extended flashback in the second half of this was a lot
more than you really needed. It does explain some of Akane's behavior,
but I think some shorter flashback snippets could've accomplished that
just as well and let you concentrate more on the characters' present-day
emotions which are more central to the story.

Only one more installment has appeared so far, so I'll save further
overall comments for my C&C of that post. Soon. When? Soon. Just soon.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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