Did this today at work (instead of working), then spellchecked and sent it 
off. Including Lime tag just to be safe. So, this isn't pretty; You have 
been warned!


Send e-mail to: oddball22@hotmail.com
Find my other fics at: www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000

Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
A Few Minor Problems




        Nervous would have been the way to describe Ranma's current
state. Normally, he never would have thought about doing something like
this, but Nabiki suggested it, given his "unique" situation. Akane had
been vocal as well in her support, if a bit embarrassed to be talking
about such things. And though Kasumi hadn't actually said anything, per
se, even he could pick up on the little hints she left.

        The door to the doctor's office and an attractive Nurse stepped
out. "The doctor is ready to see you now."

         Ranma wiped his hands on his pants as he stood, determined not
to let fear get the best of him. He was Ranma Saotome after all; he
could handle anything! His newfound confidence allowed him to give the
cute nurse a cocky smile as he passed her, and she blushed in return.

        The doctor, a lean man named Mazuhara, invited Ranma to have a
seat on the other side of his desk.

         Ranma didn't find much comfort in the doctor's grim face. "Um,
nothing is wrong, right, doc?"

        The doctor sighed. "In all my years, I have to admit I've never
seen anything like this. Even you gender curse, as you call it, doesn't
compare with this. Though I was quite surprised by that little
revelation, let me tell you."

        "So, what's the problem?" Ranma prompted, nervousness beginning
to edge back in.

        Mazuhara glanced back down at the open report on his desk for
the 12th time, just to be sure, then met Ranma's gaze. "I won't lie to
you. But our report shows you have 122 venereal diseases."

        Ranma blinked, uncomprehending the word. Venerable? Didn't that
mean old or something? "Wait, doc. You sayin' I'm an old man?"

        This time, it was the doctor's turn to blink. "What? No. It
means you have 148 Sexually Transmitted Diseases, or STDs for short." He
leaned forward, his face still serious. "Frankly, the lab is amazed
someone could still be alive and breathing, let alone appear in good
physical condition like you are."

         Ranma smirked. "Hey, what can I say? I'm good. Never been sick
in my life." Well, there was that super-cold thing he got from Happosai
once, but that didn't really count.

        Mazuhara shook his head. "I'm afraid this is no laughing matter,
Ranma." He turned back to the report. "According to this, we've
positively identified 61 of the diseases. Another 34 appear to be
slightly different strands of the same bacteria, while 13 are entirely
new. 9 appear to have mutated from contact with the others, and the lab
is still trying to identify the remaining 5."

        "So, um, you mean to say those venereal things are responsible
for that stuff that looks like cauliflower on my..." Ranma stopped,
hoping the doc got the idea.

        Mazuhara nodded. "That's part of it, yes." He closed the report.
"Now, I'm going to have to ask you about your sexual history."

        "Um, you mean who I did it with?" Ranma asked. At the doctor's
nod, Ranma looked up and tried to think. "Let's see. There was Akane,
Nabiki, Kasumi, Ukyo, Shampoo, Cologne, Kodachi, Yuka, Sayuri, Akari,
Mom, Kiima, Herb, Kaori, Bess, Tsunami, Washuu, Ayeka, Ryoko, Mihoshi,
Kiyone, Ryo-ohki, Nuku-Nuku, Ana and Una Puma, Lina, Amelia, Momoji,
Tomoe, Megumi, Kaoru, Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, Kagome, Lum, Usagi, Ami,
Rei, Makoto, Minako, Hotaru-"

        "Whoa, Ranma wait!" Doctor Mazuhara spouted, interrupting
Ranma's recitation. "Why don't we just start with the past month?"

        "Um, that was all this past month," Ranma replied.

        "All of them!?"

        Ranma cocked his head in thought. "Well, about half at least. I-
Say, doc, what are you doing?"

        Mazuhara set down the bag he was breathing into. "Nothing."

        "By the way, what about my female form?" Ranma asked, suddenly
curious. "If my guy side is so bad off, does this mean I'll have to live
as a girl now?" A couple of years ago he would rather have died as a guy
than stay stuck as a girl. But since then he realized it wasn't too bad,
and had some rather nice perks as a matter of fact.

        "Actually, there is a bit of good news," Mazuhara told him, re-
opening the report. "Your girl side only tested positive for 62
diseases." He looked up. "I take it you've had a bit of experience that
way as well?"

        Ranma shrugged. "Sure. Some of the girls were curious, and then
there was Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Dad, Mr. Tendo, Gosunkugi, Taro,
Happosai, Herb, Konatsu, Kaneda, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Tenchi, a few
tentacle demons-"

        "That's enough, Ranma!" the doctor nearly shouted, then calmed
down. "I mean, I think I get the idea." He paused. "Wait a minute, you
mentioned Herb before; wasn't she a girl?"

        "Same curse as me. Besides, that ain't a big deal once people
got a hold of the instant Nannichuan and Nyannichuan packets."

        "I see," the doctor said, in a tone that said he most likely
didn't. "Anyway, have you ever considered the idea of a single partner?
Research shows it's safer."

        Ranma blinked as if the idea had never occurred to him, which of
course it hadn't. "But, a lot of people wanna see me get together with
someone, and my momma says it's manly, and I figured it wouldn't hurt
none." He grinned broadly. "In fact, I'm pretty good!"

        Mazuhara coughed politely. "Ahem, yes, well, in your condition I
think it would be safer if you practiced abstinence for the time being.
Say, at least a year or two."

        "What's that?"

        "Not 'doing it' for awhile," Mazuhara clarified.

        "I dunno," Ranma said, looking unsure. "A lot of people ain't
gonna like that."

        "Ranma, this is for your own benefit," the doctor told him.
"Even sex has consequences, and you can't let others continually push
you into relationships. You have to decide for yourself who you want,
and be your own person. Otherwise, you merely become the puppet of
someone else's desires." He glanced at his watch, then stood. "Well,
that's all the time for today, but I'd like to arrange monthly visits to
keep track of your recovery progress."

        Ranma barely acknowledged the doctor as mechanically rose and
was ushered out. His thoughts were of how he wasn't going to get any
nookie for awhile, and of how he was going to explain this to the girls
(and the guys, and the couple of tentacle demons).

        His daze was broken as he signed out at the receptionist desk,
due to the Nurse he recognized from earlier. She was smiling and
blushing faintly at him.

        "Um, if you don't think it's too forward of me, would you like
to go see a movie this Saturday?" she asked.

        Ranma smiled, reading her nametag that identified her as
'Nanaki'. "Sure!"

        After all, he hadn't done her yet.



-----------------------

Author's Notes.

No. I don't know either. Other than it didn't seem like it had been
done. :)


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