This story poses an interesting concept.  Here's most of what I've observed 
while reading.  You'll have to forgive me for not spell-checking and 
skimming for minor grammar this time around.

THE TECHNICAL

The story prose flows well until the point where you begin switching 
introspections from Nobiyuki to the others.  It often seems like there needs 
to be a scene break in place (for example, between Tenchi's outburst and 
Aeka's waking up from the noise).  Trying to balance the POV to give the 
reader the omniscient view of every character's thoughts and feelings is 
extra work from what you initially established with Nobiyuki's introduction. 
  Also, you should break into different paragraph segments when new 
characters are speaking, to decrease reader confusion.

Tenchi's violent reactions, in my opinion, should be tinkered with.  As is, 
you can credibly have him speak darkly without being verbally vulgar.  
Swearing, unless in the middle of a fight (and not that often, even then) 
takes away from the dramatic tension of a moment.  Keep a few of the more 
powerful curses within choice lines, but to keep them all cheapens the 
scene.

There is a cannon issue, according to the source you're using.  In the OVA, 
Washu, Ryoko, and Ryo-Ohki all share a psychic bond with each other, and 
know each other's thoughts and feelings.  That said, I'm hard-pressed to 
believe that Washu didn't know about Ryoko's presence at any given time 
while she's evesdropping in on Tenchi's and Nobiyuki's conversation.


THE CHARACTERS

I understand the early OOC warning.  Given that,  I have  to say you're 
giving the audience a great deal to swallow in terms of reasonable 
believeability.  Tenchi getting the better of everyone in the house in one 
fell swoop might be necessary for this chapter, but it didn't seem written 
within reason.  You probably have something established for Ryoko's 
witnessing in later accounts, but her complete inability to do something 
against Tenchi's assault doesn't strike well.  It would be more 
understanding if her motives were being merely snoopy instead of frozen with 
disbelief and, if I read correctly, fear.

Nobiyuki comes off as a cowed man, which is a pitiful site.  Dunno how you 
can tone it down or modify, though.

It might work better to have Washu actually back in her lab, and then 
walking in on Tenchi just as Sasami and Aeka do.  It would give some 
credibility to Ryoko's snooping, as well as give her motive to stay in the 
closet (via mental talk from Washu while the scientist checks out the 
situation, and gets neuralized along with Nobiyuki).

As I said, you have an interesting concept going.  I'd love to see more 
developments of the story, and I hope this helps you in some way.  Thanks 
for sharing.

- Kenji M. (nexuspost@hotmail.com)



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