And another one from the still-large-but-shrinking backlog.

Andrea Hill <email_andreas_art@yahoo.com> wrote:

A couple of things - I've corrected the embarrassing name mix up between Konatsu and Tsubasa.  Also for those of your who have been confused at my insistance of calling Ranma "he" and "him" etc. even when he's in female form - tough.  I respect your opinion, but when I conceived of this story idea the main point I wanted to get across is that RANMA IS A GUY, as he's so ardently defended himself, no matter what he currently looks like.  Fortunately for you, only Onna-Ranma appears in this chapter, so please keep that in mind when reading.

I agree with you on the gender references, but would suggest moving this
note to the end of the chapter. IMO, author pre-notes should be limited
to information that someone might need when deciding whether or not to
read the story.

He did not even stop by his old room for clothes or the meager

stash of money hidden there.  He took to the roofs naked, glad 

that the new moon shed no light on the shameful state of his 

female body.  He ran over the tiles and occasional tin roof 

without caring about the small scrapes and cuts that penetrated 

the thick calluses of his soles.

RANMA: But if this is a hot tin roof, that means there could be a--

CAT: Meow!

RANMA: AAAAAAA!

BTW, your lines are wrapping now, but they're double-spaced, i.e. you've
got a blank line between each line of text. While this doesn't make it
harder to add comments, as not wrapping at all would, it is a bit
unpleasant aesthetically.

Then the reality of his last thought hit him.  To fall would be to 

give up.  It would be contrary to everything he believed in, 

everything he held close to his heart and everything he had been 

taught.  Even the Saotome Secret Technique of Running Away 

Suggest: the Saotome Secret Technique of running away

(presumably "Saotome Secret Technique" is its name, and "running away"
is just a description of how it works)

His muscles stretched and he sailed across the empty space 

like a deer.  His feet connected solidly with the rough pitted 

surface of the opposite roof and he kept running.

RANMA: We'll get to the coming-back part later. Eventually.

Ukyo noted that his feet were dirty and covered in tiny 

punctures and cuts.  He crossed his arms over his breasts and 

looked up at her, the _expression utterly dejected.

                       ^
Extra "_" there that looks like a typo.

�By the gods, Ran-chan, are you ok?�  Ukyo knelt next to him 

OK?"
(or)
okay?"

Also, the quote mark you have there is a non-ASCII character that will
show up as a blob or something else completely different on another
platform. Use "flat" quotes -- the ones that look the same for opening a
quote as for closing.

A part of her ached for him, shared in his sorrow.  In her hard 

life, due to the rejection she�d gone through from her friends, 

her father, and her schoolmates, Ukyo had come to know sorrow 

intimately.  She�d learned to use it as fuel, and turned some of the 

feelings of rejection into anger.  This dark, simmering anger had 

driven her to practice the specialized martial art of her family for 

all of her formative years.  In her village no one could touch her, 

and she�d liked it that way.  It gave her more time to brood about 

the revenge she would exact on the cause of all of her suffering � 

Genma Saotome and his son Ranma, the fianc� who had 

                                           ^
Again, the accented "e" there is a platform-specific character. Just use
a regular "e".

Akane was mean to him.  She yelled, hit him, spurned him and 

didn�t trust him.

AKANE: Pot. Kettle.

UKYO: Who asked you?!

Nabiki had told her everything that happened to Ranma before 

Ukyo had arrived on the scene, including a recap of his arrival 

in Nerima.  She had been detailed, and honest, and after she�d 

walked away with her payment Ukyo was left to stew over that 

fact that Ranma had seen Akane naked and had� reacted�

And your ellipses here are also platform-specific.

So Ukyo was left with trying underhanded ways of getting her 

Ran-chan to see that Akane was all wrong for him.  After all, 

they were only sixteen.  It wouldn�t be too long before he 

realized that his infatuation with the Tendo girl was silly.  Then 

he would turn to his oldest friend � her, Kuonji Ukyou, and he 

would realize what a terrific girl she�d been all that time, and he 

would fall in love with her.  Then Akane would end up with 

Ryoga, or something, Kodachi would be committed to an 

asylum.

Seems a bit fanfic cliche for her to suggest this. When did anyone in
the series ever consider the idea that Kodachi ought to be committed? To
my knowledge, only fanfic writers have suggested that.

When Ranma�s wailing quieted to hiccoughs she reached for 

the blanket on her bed and drew it over his body.  She moved 

the vivid red pigtail so that it rested outside the cover.  She 

Even if you use the anime hair colors in your fic, the characetrs
shouldn't be able to notice them. They didn't in the series in many
instances where they obviously would've.

In an attempt to lighten the mood she poked one of his breasts.  

�Ranma, whatever body you�re in I promise you, no one is 

going to think you�re an average anything.�  When that 

provoked no response she bit her lip and then continued.  

�Well, the place only has one bedroom, and a kitchenette, but 

it�s a fairly new building so it has its own bathroom.  We won�t 

have to share the facilities with half the building, thank the kamis.�

Suggest: the kami."

(+s for a plural is an English thing)

Overall, some nice writing as before, and very well edited -- I had to
strain to find anything to nitpick. But the dramatic tension seemed a
bit low to me. What does (female) Ranma want? To get away from the
others, it seems, but if there are obstacles to this goal, I don't see
them yet. And Ukyo as a lead character has the opposite problem: the
obstacles to what she obviously wants are so strong that she seems to
more or less give up as soon as it starts.

Just my own opinions on this; hope they were helpful, and that we'll see
more from you when you get a chance.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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