--- Rolf <rolfwind@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hello,
j0.
Here is my revised first chapter for those who missed
it:
http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/e3c24609/bc/_the_unruly_son/Chapter+1.html?bcaqS.9AZ105_vM_
Here is the second chapter if you prefer html viewing:
http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/e3c24609/bc/_the_unruly_son/Chapter+2.html?bcK9S.9Aq2h2yNu_
These links seem to be cut off at the end and lead to "Cannot find server"
pages.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
I don't own the characters. Pioneer and AIC do. I own
this story though.
Well, my thinking on this is that you can THINK of it as a standard
disclaimer; that's okay. But when you TELL people up front that it's a
standard disclaimer, it loses a certain specialness...
THE UNMASKING PART II
First off, a couple of global technical issues. If you have a speech
verb, such as "added", "choked", or "spoke", you can put a comma at the
end and go on into the quote:
His twin retorted sarcastically, "I thought we have to
be prepared for anything, anywhere, anyone."
However, non-speech verbs, as in:
Tenchi, incensed, slapped the hand out of his hair,
"Will you stop touching me!"
...have a tendency to make the reader think something along the
lines of, "Well, THAT was a particularly talkative slap." In most
cases, changing these commas into periods would work; you still convey
the sense of who's saying what by the context.
CHAPTER 2 : COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET? NOT A CHANCE!
Ryoko sank down to her butt in the closet, wondering
Hmm...the word "butt" here seems to kick the dramatic tension right
out of the scene for me, personally. I'd reword this, but I'm not sure
quite how.
when she would be discovered. <Brother? And this
isn't a shadow is it? They acting like totally
different people, at least I think they do.>
shadow is it? -> shadow, is it?
They -> They're | They are
Tenchi, incensed, slapped the hand out of his hair,
"Will you stop touching me!" He admonished his
? or ?! instead of !, since it IS technically a question.
of the messes the people around here make. You
weren't making any helpful suggestions, in fact you
weren't doing a damn thing. And where did those
The comma should probably be a semicolon, ellipses, or
something else. Perhaps: "...any helpful suggestions. In
fact, you weren't doing..."
Chiten lowered his eyes, refusing to level his gaze
back into those accusing eyes, "Why don't you summon
her yourself? Why are you asking me anyway? We know
each other's thoughts and have each other's memories
after all, what more do you want?"
Repetition of "eyes", and "memories" should probably be
set off from "after all" with a comma.
yourself.. Definitely two Tenchis. One of them even
think the other is betraying him. Why would they want
think -> thinks
evil look chilled him, "Keep on lying to me, I know
when people are lying to me, it's all in the eyes
after all. And you forgot the first lesson."
Again, I think a reworking of punctuation would make this
dialogue flow a lot more smoothly. Something like:
"Keep on lying to me. I know when people are lying to me;
it's all in the eyes, after all. And, you forgot the first
lesson."
Chiten, having gone through this numerous times,
yawned bored and fearful simutaneously, "I know, I
yawned bored and fearful simutaneously, ->
"yawned, bored and fearful simultaneously."
Chiten jumped a few steps back and summoned his own
energy swords, blue one and green blades came to life
Blue one and green blades? Blue and green blades, maybe...
Both of them circled the room back and forth, waiting
for the other to make the first attack, until finally
Tenchi charged with his crimson and ebony swords
Just as a pacing issue, I'd strike out the "until" and make
that into two sentences. "...the first attack. Finally, Tenchi
charged..."
blazing. Chiten put up his defenses, his blue sword
blocking the red one and dodged out of the way of the
black one.
Comma here, so as not to give the notion that the blue sword
is dodging out of the way, as opposed to Chiten.
"Chiten put up his defenses, his blue sword blocking the red
one, and dodged out of the way of the black one." (on second
thought, "one" feels repeated too quickly here, also...)
Tenchi spoke up, "One more thing, only energy swords,
thing, -> thing:
with nothing but skill then. And no reassimilation
either, I know you like that trick."
either, -> either;
The doppelganger agreeingly nodded, satisfied at the
answer.
I'd take out "agreeingly" just for the fact that it doesn't
really add much to the line.
Ryoko desperately wanted them to scream out loud,
<Stop already, damn it. You two might get hurt.>
You mean SHE wanted to scream out loud or wanted THEM to
scream out loud? If it's the former, then I'd suggest changing
the periods into exclamation marks to give the extra feeling
that she IS desperate and screaming, at least in her mind.
She
looked from one Tenchi to the other though, how in
nine hells would she stop them. Admitting it to
to the other, though, how in -> to the other, though. How in
she stop them. -> she stop them?
herself, even with all her years of constant battle,
both of them were much better in technique than her.
Well, if you take out the modifying clause in here(just to get
the feel of things), the sentence doesn't really flow. "Admitting
it to herself, both of them were much better..." The parts before
and after should match up in tense even if the clause was taken out.
Suggestion:
"Admitting it to herself, even with all her years of constant
battle, she realized that both of them were much better..."
And so the battle went on and on like this for what
was at least fifteen minutes. Neither side winning
nor losing, and for all intents and purposes at a
standstill.
Hmm. I get the sense that this should be expanded somehow, or
at least, if you're going to skip past the exciting action sequence,
that you shift the focus away to something else during that time
span, so as not to give the impression that the fight's boring. Even
if it IS, people generally don't want to read, "And they fought, and
fought, and fought and fought and fought..."
<Han_Solo> Make the fight drag on as usual, but don't make it LOOK
like you're trying to make it drag on.
* Chewbacca growls in confusion.
<Han_Solo> I don't know...drag on casually!
...or at least give the reader something else to get their mind off
the fact that the fight "went on and on like this." :)
Time has passed, and with a sudden abruptness, the
...narrative jumped to present tense?
smooth flowing sparring, that previously was more like
an elegant dance, ended. Chiten slipped and fell by
The first comma probably could be taken out...
with their swords clanging against each other's. This
time the dueling was not as choreographed like the
first fifteen minutes, the two went at each other like
mad and as a result their swords swung about wildly,
having the result of wrecking the entire room.
minutes, the two -> minutes, as the two
and as a result their -> and, as a result, their
Repetition of "result", too...I'd suggest "effect", but I'm
not too enthusiastic about that word either. Dunno...
Furniture, posters, shelves, nearly everything. The
only things that were left untouched was the closet,
and for some reason the energy blades did no damage to
the walls, they just kept bouncing off. Nothing else
was -> were
and for some reason the -> and, for some reason, the
the walls, they -> the walls; they
was left standing, many small knicknacks were
destroyed, and the two Tenchis still battled in middle
in middle -> in the middle
The former space pirate found herself for the first
time very nervous on whether or not these two will
herself for the first time -> herself, for the first time,
on -> over
will -> would (tense mixing, again)
wall. <Look at me, went through all sorts of danger
and here I'm getting jumpy because they close to the
closet. What do I say if they find me, how will they
react? Probably erase my memory too, that's not so
bad now, is it?>
Hmm...I'd rephrase this in general to add a bit more
characterization to Ryoko's internal monologue. As it is,
"went" seems a bit too simplistic for the situation she's
in. "been through" might work better, but it still seems
a bit un-Ryoko-like...
they close -> they're close
find me, how will -> find me. How will | find me...how will
Last sentence could use a bit of work, too. "Probably erase
my memory, too...though I guess that wouldn't be so bad, now,
would it?" or something to that effect.
Chiten abruptly turned tables around, and bought both
blades up offensively to bear, and dashed forward.
turned tables -> turned the tables
and bought -> bringing
offensively to bear -> to bear offensively (...I think. Not sure)
Right when it appeared that Tenchi was about to launch
a counter-attack with his swords, he instead took
lightning fast, low, sweep at his doppelganger's legs.
took lightning fast, low, sweep -> took a lightning fast low sweep
doppelganger eyed him with a piercing gaze, and
breathed heavily into his face, "Checkmate? By the
way, that was the dumbest move I seen you make in a
century. What came over you?! Watch too many
kung-foo movies lately?"
Checkmate? -> Checkmate. (depending on how he's saying it...)
I seen -> I've seen
kung-foo -> kung-fu
"Well, it was a good fight, we managed to destroy the
entire room. *And* I managed to kick your ass again.
As is usual."
good fight, we -> good fight; we | good fight...we
again. As is usual. -> again. As usual. | again, as usual.
Chiten clenched both his fists, annoyance coloring his
cheeks red, spat out disgustedly, "Keep on boasting.
red, spat out -> red, and spat out
The blusterer scratched his chin, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the one who's been around 20,000 years.
years. -> years?
Ryoko shook her head, <20,000 years old?, 4300 years
fighting experience like me?, What the hell?>
Her mentally quoting the others should probably be set off
by single quotes: <'20,000 years old'? '4300 years fighting
experience over me'?> Also, as a flavour issue (YMMV), I'd
add a little more description, like, "Ryoko shook her head in
amazement."
Shrugging the innuendo of the last comment comment
off, the twin countered,
"Comment comment? Huh?"
A sinking feeling came to the pit of Ryoko's stomach.
<I hope they aren't talking about.......no it can't
no it can't -> no, it can't
Chiten shook his head and said rather sadly, "Brother,
I can't see what the future brings anymore either. To
many unknown variables and factors as Washu would say.
To -> Too
factors as Washu -> factors, as Washu
Chiten holler back, "You've been pestering me all last
week about this, how could I even manage such a thing?
holler -> hollered (or some other word..."holler" seems to
me to be what you do across a crowded room or a valley or
something, not a very to be suddenly tossing into the middle
of a conversation)
about this, how -> about this; how
Tenchi howled out, "What was I supposed to do! Let
Nobuyuki show those photos to others, especially
Sasami. Then everybody would start asking questions,
do! -> do? | do?!
Sasami. -> Sasami? | Sasami?! (he IS howling, after all...)
follow. Let one thread accidently slip, and
everything will unravel I say." He continued
expressing his train of though, "How about since Washu
unravel I say -> unravel, I say
though -> thought
about since Washu -> about, since Washu
Ryoko had to suppress a cringe, with his words ringing
in her ears, "we kill her." <Damn he's speaking as if
The "with" could probably be taken out without hurting
the sentence flow, and it might improve it.
Tenchi looked at him quizically, "I hope you know that
I'm still am going through with the plan to destroy
I'm still am -> I still am | I'm still (or even "I am
STILL" | "I AM still" if you want to put special emphasis
on something)
Responding thoughtfully, Chiten replied, "I know. But
are you *sure* you want to totally destroy any
influence he can have. We can use him, you gave him
he can have. -> he can have?
use him, you -> use him; you
The spiky haired woman became utterly puzzled, <700
years of punishment? Like me again, what is he
Like me again, what -> Like me again...what |
Like me, again. What
The other one sucked in his breath, surprise etched in
his face, "Wow, that's a change. Didn't you want to
toss her off the planet when she got here, especially
after the fight with Kagato. Just last week you were
Too many spaces after "here,"
with Kagato. -> with Kagato?
possible.... we do need to start feeding more
misinformation to the Holy Council in the future after
all. Plus she's becoming a good friend to Washu. I
future after all. -> future, after all.
would be good to calm down with all this activity. We
are playing dangerous games afterall, with all the
afterall, with -> after all. With
His counterpart studied the floor suddenly, guilt
washing over his features, "I'm was trying to keep
everything from Sasami, do I look so stupid...... it's
makes it harder with her connected to that whore
it's makes it -> it makes it
protect Sasami from Tsunami. But why should she, we
don't know and we have her memories as well."
why should she, we -> why should she? We
Also, I'd add an "even" in there after "don't"
regret, "I hate seeing her used, just another pawn in
this game."
used, just -> used...just | used; just | used as just
Both yawning, the two sat down, back to back agaist
each other, spending a few idle minutes in silence.
See previous comments on the fight sequence; I'm sure you
could make this seem a bit more interesting. If this were a
movie shot, keeping the camera on them for a few minutes of
silence would get dull if they just sat there in frame the
whole time. Even a scene like this could be done somewhat
more interestingly by moving around, focusing on their
expressions, the mood of the room, Ryoko hiding in the closet
hoping they don't find her, etc...
Her previous emotional burden lifted, and some of her
gut wrenching subsided, Ryoko smiled weakly <Tsunami
subsided, Ryoko -> subsiding, Ryoko
weakly -> weakly.
memories, but how? Sasami is Tsunami's pawn, I
thought they were just to be assimilated.>
Sasami is Tsunami's pawn, I -> Sasami is Tsunami's pawn? I
Ten minutes passed before they spoke again. Turning
around and looking at his twin in the eye the one
spoke, "I tired about this constant strategizing and
Perhaps, "Turning around and looking his twin in the
eye, one spoke,"
His counterpart nudged back much harder, "Your idea,
you first, besides" and matched his twin's grin tooth
for tooth and added, "You know brother, always save
besides" and matched his -> besides," matching his
tooth and added, "You -> tooth, and adding, "you |
tooth, "you
Chiten rolled his eyes. "Oh, ok. Watching Lady Ayeka
grow up, she was so beautiful, even when she was so
grow up, she -> grow up...she
Or, if this isn't the particular effect you're going for
here, you could reword it a bit. As-is, the "Watching Lady
Ayeka grow up" clause seems to refer to "she" doing the
watching instead of Chiten.
The other one interjected, mockingly, with smacking
lips for extra effect, "Oh, and when the ponytailed
with smacking lips -> smacking his lips
haiku-spewing 'sword master' start making out with the
little princess. Did he let her polish his long hard
blade often?"
Not quite sure what the intent here was...did you mean,
"...started making out with the little princess, did he
let..."?
woman. The attack on Jurai was a godsend, because her
brother left her. Quite willingly I may add."
willingly I may -> willingly, I may
After a brief lull in the conversation, Chiten started
up again, "I'm glad she likes it here, but I've always
known she would like the simpler life, since she
always did enjoy the plainer things, she had private
hobbies like poetry, or tending the plants on her
ship."
The sentence here feels a bit long. I'd make a break at
"...simpler life. She always did..." or "...plainer things.
She had private..."
His counterpart um-hmmed, knowing this already.
Um-hmmed?
Her frozen heart started beating again rapidly, no,
not only that, Ryoko thought her heart would explode,
Since the paragraphs before this are Chiten and Tenchi,
I'd mention Ryoko by name at the beginning of the sentence
instead of just using "Her", or some other, more specific,
identifier like, "The woman in question", etc.
put his mouth near his twins ear and hissed out "I
hate you more than anything else you nothing.
You nothing?
killing you during our sparring, one clean swipe will
take off you empty head. And I could do it too,
you -> your
perfect murder. No body, hell no one even knows would
know theres really two of us except...... for Washu.
No body, -> Nobody...
even knows would know theres -> even knows there's
Then I would just grab Ryoko and fly off like a bat
out of this hellhole. No Megami to play stupid with.
Is Megami a person or just referring to Tsunami/Washu/Tokimi?
If the latter, then it should probably be uncapitalized.
time, all those times. Everytime.... it's the same
result, get over it, our souls are linked."
get over it, our souls -> get over it. Our souls
"We don't really know that, it might just be worth
dying to find out. Wouldn't it, it would for me, I
might finish it one of these days?"
Whoa. This most likely needs some restructuring...suggestion:
"We don't really know that, do we? It might just be
worth dying to find out, wouldn't it? I know it would be
for me...I might actually try it one of these days."
Eager to improve his doppelganger's dour mood, and
more importantly avoid his ire, Chiten suggested,
and more importantly avoid -> and, more importantly, avoid
Chiten rubbed his temples, and started explaining
slowly as if talking to a little child, "No idiot, I
No idiot, -> No, idiot,
Tenchi lay still on the floor, closed his eyes and
began "In a perfect world I would have married Ryoko
began "In -> began, "In
Chiten mumbled exasperated, "I should have figured.
exasperated, -> exasperatedly, (...I think. Is exasperatedly
a word?)
myself as her knight. We'd have her favorite meal,
Oshimara. Some wine I suppose."
I'd go with either, "Some wine, I suppose." or "Some wine, too,
I suppose."
"Made of your blood?" ask his twin.
ask -> asked
Deep throated excited giggles were heard throughout,
Well, THERE's a phrase I don't hear too often... :)
years. Do you see our bed now? (Waving over to the
destroyed mattress and frame.) That thing will be
I'd stop the quote, get out, and push that in here
outside of it. Unless he's actually SAYING it as a
parenthetical aside, it should probably go outside,
like in:
"...Do you see our bed now?" He indicated the destroyed
mattress and frame. "That thing will be..."
every other week. We'd go out of the house once a
year for mother's day, and show Washu around the town.
mother's day, -> Mother's Day
I'd sing her her song. After a decade, we'd have
Extra space in between "sing" and the first "her"
ponytails as a mop. As long she doesn't leave purple
stains behind on the floor, now that would be really a
bother."
As long she -> As long as she
the floor, now that -> the floor. Now that |
the floor...now that
be really -> really be
back and flustered out angrily, "Hey! I don't make fun
of Ryoko do I? Besides Lady Ayeka has had her DNA
converted, her hair isn't colored purpled with dye or
Ryoko do I? -> Ryoko, do I?
Besides Lady Ayeka -> Besides, Lady Ayeka
converted, her hair -> converted; her hair |
converted. Her hair
converted...her hair
purpled -> purple
be your personal maid, and on top of that you can stop
top of that you can -> top of that, you can
Chiten nervously fumbled over the thoughts, "I think
the thoughts, -> his thoughts,
um.... you see.... the wedding night.... it would
be..... oh... ah.... special of course." Becoming
crimson at the mere prospect of it he quickly followed
special of -> special, of
of it he -> of it, he
don't know. She's not even reached puberty, she could
change a lot, you know?"
puberty, she could -> puberty; she could
together though, on the throne. Yosho could tell her
riddles and rhymes, and meaningless philosophy all
riddles and rhymes, -> riddles, rhymes,
devious plans. A tree I might be, but I'm so cute
won't you marry me?" Tenchi tone went back to normal
so cute won't -> so cute, won't
"Might as well fix the room." One of them summoned up
the holo-top, and tapped in a few keys. For a few
Maybe it could be specifically Tenchi or Chiten, instead
of a relatively vague "One of them"...
He instructed in a monotone voice, sword on his own
forehead, "Tenchi, Re-institute all previous memories
blocks and changes. Institute memory block-memory
change. This morning father found two photos that he
Re-institute -> reinstitute
memories blocks -> memory blocks
This morning father -> This morning, father
thought were of me before and after a beating. He
went down to Washu in the lab. She agreed with father
and both of them came up here to talk to me about it.
Father then proceeded to wake me up and talk to me. I
explained to him that it was just make-up for a
costume festival that my grandmother applied. He
disagreed and we got into a loud verbal argument over
it. Then Washu came into the room. Ayeka and Sasami
came to my door as well. I apologized for the noise
and they went back into their room. Father, Washu and
I sat down and had a calm discussion. After more
examination they both realized they jumped to
conclusions. That the seemingly damage done to my
body was make-up after all because they missed some
details. We all laughed over the stupid mistake.
Now, the issue is resolved and need no further
discussion of it. Father let me keep the photos so I
can destroy them so no more misunderstandings like
this occur. Since father was late to work anyway, he
decided to take the day off and sleep in. He also
decided I can take a day off school. I accepted the
offer reluctantly, afraid to miss too much school.
Washu and father left the room. After closing the
door behind them, I felt very tired and promptly fell
asleep. Release protection area, open all links.
Return to drawer. Done."
Wow. Big chunk of paragraph. My first instinct would be
to break this up somehow, but that all depends on how much,
if any, of this could be compressed...
anytime. Instead, she phased forward again and
floated above him, confounded at what she heard today,
moreso that she could not make sense of most of it.
moreso that -> especially since (suggestion..."moreso"
doesn't seem to be in the dictionary)
<I thought I knew everything about you. Who are you
really? How do you know these things? How do you do
you really? -> you, really?
Authors Note:
PLEASE REVIEW, THANK YOU!
Well, Tenchi and Chiten, at least in this chapter, don't
really sound like classic Tenchi at all, though I suppose
that's intentional. Most of what I covered was along the
lines of technical issues, though I think the long stretch
of dialogue between the two could use a little more flavour
to distinguish them. By the end, that's more apparent; one
likes Ayeka, one likes Ryoko. Earlier on, though, it seemed
a little difficult to distinguish one from another when they
weren't specifically being named.
Another issue of word choice is that of the repeated use
of both "twin" and "doppelganger", though more the latter
than the former. Seeing "doppelganger" a few times doesn't
raise too many eyebrows, but when it's used eighteen times
in a chapter, one starts wondering if a better term could
be used in a few of those places. "double", for instance,
or you could just use their names instead...
I'm not really used to this C&C thing yet, so I hope this
works out at actually being helpful... :)
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