Hi, my name's Troy. Here are my little comments.

<snip>

She ate in silence, ignoring the rest of her family as she had done
for a long time now.  Occasionally she would catch some exchanges
that she added her own sadonic remarks to, but in the past year she
had steadily felt it was even worth the effort.  Very little changed

it was even -> it was not even

regardless of what she said.  At least she got Kunou back with a well
placed comment about the pig-tailed girl.

Hmm? When she'd do that? (Get Kunou back with a well-placed comment, I mean.) It doesn't really seem too essential to have this comment, actually, as it doesn't actually seemed to have happened.

<snip>

Both Akane and Ranma blinked in unison.  "Konjou-san?" Ranma repeated.
"As in M-A-R-I-K-O?"

You might like to have Ranma spell it out as 'Ma-ri-ko'.

<snip>

"What would you know about showing love?" Akane huffed, pouncing to
her feet.  "All you ever do is insult me?"

me?" -> me!"

<snip>

Mariko clasped both of her hands together as her lips pouted in
thought.  "Traditionally we have a caterer hired in for the after

"Traditionally we have a caterer hired in for the -> "Tradionally, we hire a caterer for the

ceremony.  Each student is responsible to give the committee an
accurate count of guests they are inviting so there can be a proper
amount of food prepared.  If that number exceeds our resources, I
suppose we could demand a payment per guest beyond a certain amount."

<snip>

"Exactly," Nabiki agreed.  "Which leads me to the coordination between
the ceremonies.  The banquet and the dance will happen afterwards,
presumably at the same location.  Shall the ceremonies be held at the
respective schools or somewhere else."

else." -> else?"

<snip>

"Agreed," Nabiki said.  She jotted down a couple notes.  "Furinkan can
house the dance."  'Because a banquet would be an entire mess if the
usual thing happened,' she added with disdain.

Should have a bit more distinction in between speech and thought: " ... dance." She added with distain, 'Because ... "

<snip>

"Hey!  No fair!" Ranma protested, getting to his feet.  "I wanted to
clobber him!"

Hmm... I get a bad impression from Ranma's statement. It seems 'off'.. I'd half expect for him to actually insult Happosai rather than complain about not being able to pound on the old man, if he even decided to involve himself anyway.

<snip>

"You have my blessings," Akane assured Nabiki.

Akane: And don't mind me if you accidently spot me sneaking around behind you two!

<snip>

Ranma blinked.  He leaned forward, grinning at Nabiki.  "You really
mean it?"  Her sister nodded.  "What am I supposed to wear?"

Her sister nodded. -> She nodded.

<snip>

Kunou visibly relaxed a smirk playing itself upon his features.  "Why
don't you know?" he asked as if it were obvious.  "I await the arrival
of my dates for this fine occasion."

relaxed a smirk -> relaxed, a smirk

<snip>

The gym was dimly lit, splashes of colors swirling about the floor

>from unseen lights.  Couples intermingled in a writhing mass of bodies

Um... (: Oops, don't mind me. Just thinking out loud)

that bobbed and twisted with the beat of the music blaring over the
speakers.  Ranma blinked at the spectacle, wondering what he was
getting himself into.

<snip>

He wisely let the remark slide without comment.  Instead he
concentrated on the music and moving his feet.  It played through him

he concentrated on the music and moving his feet. -> he concentrated on moving his feet to the music.

in a demanding pulse, moving his body carefully at first, not certain
if he wanted to yield to the music.

<snip>

Feeling a frustration beyond any he had ever felt, Ranma snapped,
"Will you just stay out of my life!" he shouted.  "You take part in
wrecking my wedding and now you are trying to screw Nabiki out of her
graduation!  And what ticks me off most is that I'm going to get
blamed for your intrusion!"

That's a lot of backbone, which Ranma rarely exhibits towards girls.

<snip>

"Excuse me, but either you come in or you go," she declared, her eyes
closed as she welled with self importance.  "You can't simply stand
out here like an idiot."

self importance -> self-importance

<snip>

"Yea whatever," she muttered, thumbing towards the door.  "Get inside,
you moron.  I'm not going to watch you waste your graduation in this
ceaseless stupidity."

Like, Mariko's talking totally different from how she was introduced! I mean, it's just so totally different, don't you think?
:}
Anyway, I just thought there was something a little different about your Mariko from the original source. It was throwing me off. It's her speech patterns, dat's the bunny.

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