"Hearts of Ice: Special Edition! See it again...for the first
time."
--- Krista Perry <krista.perry@attbi.com> wrote:
Ranma finally noticed that Genma was cleaning his plate off
with remarkable speed. Shouting in anger, he leapt over the
table and elbowed his father's head into the floor in one fluid
motion. "Get away from my food, Pop."
"Pop." -> "Pop!", perhaps? Not sure, but the period doesn't seem
to convey the full effect of "shouting in anger", unless he's giving
a generic shout, leaping the table, then making a (quieter) up-close-
and-personal request.
Ranma leapt out of the pond, red hair dripping, her wet,
baggy clothes plastered to her womanly figure, and growled. "All
right, Pop! You asked for it!" She charged.
Genma paused in stuffing his face to meet Ranma's attack,
but was too slow. His female son grabbed him by the back of his
gi and sent his father flying to his furry fate.
The battle ended abruptly when the panda left an opening,
allowing Ranma to land a powerful kick to his father's face. The
kick sent him on an unconscious flight into the wall that
surrounded the house.
Ranma landed lightly on her feet and made a show of dusting
off her hands. "Stupid old man," he muttered. "What is he
thinking, stealing my food?"
Dunno if this was intentional, but both sets of pronouns are being
used for Ranma's female state("her wet", "her womanly", "She charged",
"her feet", "her hands" vs. "his father", "his father's",
"he muttered").
Also, should that be "was he thinking" instead of "is he thinking",
since Genma, being unconscious at the moment, probably wouldn't be
actively thinking of stealing food.
Ranma stood dripping on the grass, looking at Akane and the
kettle with a strange look on her face; a combination of
expectation and apprehension. Akane sighed. At least he was
waiting to change back into a guy before taking off his shirt to
wring it out. She walked over and upended half the contents of
the kettle over his head, then turned to walk over to the
unconscious panda.
Same thing here ("her face" vs. "he was", "his shirt"). At least
he changes back here, which solves the wacky pronoun dilemmas for
a while... :)
Akane froze, not quite believing what she had heard.
P-Chan grunted angrily at her feet. "What?" she asked.
I can see "at her feet" working fine, but I'm wondering if "by her
feet" wouldn't work better, so as to give the sense of him grunting
angrily at Ranma while next to Akane's feet, and not grunting at
Akane's feet as if they've offended him somehow...
Ranma's face, which melted into self-recrimination. "Jeeze, I
can't even apologize right," he said with disgust. "Well fine.
I'm sorry I even bothered." His shoulders slumped, and he turned
"Well fine." -> "Well, fine."
P-Chan squealed anxiously at Akane's feet, and she bent
down and scooped him up in her free arm. "Ranma," she said,
Well, here I can see "at Akane's feet" working even better, but
I dunno... :)
him. He was still out cold, so Ranma bent and slung him over his
shoulder, and ran back to the house.
I'd collapse the first "and" to get: "...Ranma bent, slung him
over his shoulder, and ran back to the house."
of the strange glowing object. "*Mouko Takabishya!*" A bright
blaze of ki- power exploded from Ranma's hands and was sent
Would this be "ki power" or "ki-power" instead?
matter. He reached deep inside himself and pulled all the
confidence and ki power he could muster from the depths of his
...like here, perhaps.
"Where am I?" she yelled, more to make sure that she
actually could than to get an answer. She remembered trying to
call Ranma's name and not being able to utter a sound as he
faded from her sight... or rather as she faded from his. She
knew she had been transported someplace... but where? Siberia?
The North Pole?
A few pairs-of-spaces within sentences in this paragraph:
"call Ranma's", "faded from", "North Pole?"
"He's my... my fianc�."
Ack. When I was first replying to this in Yahoo Mail, I saw a
dot there instead of the accented e. So I go up to Encoding to
change it to Western European (to make sure it was really what
I thought it was), and when I do, it reloads the page, thereby
knocking out all my comments. Oops. :)
--------------------
End of Chapter Two
Well, couldn't find too many technical errors (and many of those
that I DID mention I'm not completely sure they WERE errors...), and
the story itself is progressing excellently, as I remember it doing
the last time I read through the fic... :)
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