On Sun, 29 Dec 2002, Gary Kleppe wrote:

Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:

    "We'll be right back, Ranma," Nodoka said, helping Kasumi
up.

    "Huh?  Sure."  Ranma was a little distracted by Soun trying
to fill his cup.

RANMA: It's just a wedding ceremony! Why do I need groinal protection?

GENMA: [casts glance at his wife] You'll soon learn why, boy.

...

Y'know, once I actually tried to make sure that nothing I was writing
could have connotations that I didn't intend. 

It was too much trouble.  :)
 

    "He just wants to go back to the party," Genma reassured
Soun without stopping.  "It's not cold feet."

    "Now, Ranma-kun," Soun admonished, "it's not good to keep a
lady waiting too long.  Ah, this moment comes only once in a
man's life!"

RANMA: What, you mean we only get to have sex once?!

Soun: That depends on whether you get it right or not.

Ranma: Oy...

    "I mean, if there's anything I can do to make you more
comfortable...."

    "No, really!"

    "Oh."  She tilted her head a little to one side and regarded
him soberly.  "We haven't had a chance to talk since the, um, the
omiai, have we?"

RANMA: Which? You use that expression all the time.

KASUMI: I do? Omiai!

Ranma: The translator's havin' a conniption over in the corner, y'know.

fingers pressed silk over warm, yielding flesh.  He almost pulled
back in surprise, but Kasumi made a faint sound that couldn't
possibly be a protest, so it was all right.  Encouraged, Ranma

Suggest: that couldn't possibly have been a protest,

OK.
 

    "P-chan!" Akane cried joyfully, holding out her arms.  The
black piglet bounced up the steps and into her lap.  "I'm so glad
to see you!  Oh, you're all wet!  Did you fall in the koi pond,
you silly boy?  Thank goodness Ryoga knew where to find you...."
Her voice trailed off.  "You're wearing a kerchief just like
Ryoga-kun's," she said slowly in a very different tone.  "Ryoga-
kun ran away.  Koi pond.  P-chan.  Oh, no."

This was the one part of the story I didn't find very believable. Why
should she realize this now, given all the at-least-as-obvious clues
she's missed before? You might be able to make a case that her state of
mind is sufficiently altered here -- by the realization that she's
losing Ranma for real this time, or simply due to inebriation -- but I
don't think either of those works for the story as written because the
narrative doesn't reflect such a dramatic change of mental state.

Well, this time Ryoga is trying to reveal the fact rather than conceal it,
too... I figure intent counts for something.
 

    Ryoga turned left rather than right and discovered that he'd
been following his nose.  The scent was distinctive and powerful,
and he had no trouble following its trail to a familiar giant
sumo pig parked in a motel carport.

Amusing visual image there. Wonder if Katsy can get a parking ticket. :)

Given a sufficiently brave policeman, possibly.  Policewomen, on the other
hand, would manage it without more than one episode's* worth of
difficulties.  :)

* of Taiho Shichau Zo! a.k.a You're Under Arrest!, that is.  Or maybe
Patlabor.  :)

 Ryoga wondered what a motel
was doing in Nerima.  He didn't bother to wonder what
Katsunishiki was doing in a carport.  "Bu-kii?"

    Katsunishiki didn't squeal back, since Akari, feeling that
it was undignified for a yokozuna to squeal, had been trying to

What's a yokozuna?

Katsunishiki is.  Sumo jargon, not readily translatable, sorry; one of the
degrees of championship.

    His wedding clothes were folded neatly by the bed rather
than scattered the way he'd left them, not that he had any
intention of going downstairs in hakama trousers and haori coat.

RANMA: I think I can take my time; no need to haori.

Ran out of puns in one language and had to resort to two?  :)

    Kasumi turned as Ranma passed the door to the kitchen and
glanced in.  "Good morning, Ranma," she wished him brightly,
sounding just like she used to... but then she blushed and
lowered her gaze.  "I hope you had a, a pleasant night," she
added, stumbling over her words a little.

IMO, I'd drop either the a, *or* the "stumbling over..." as they both
make the same point.

OK.

    Genma began a nod and stopped with a wince.  "Indeed,
indeed, Tendo-kun," he agreed instead.  "And look at the feast
Kasumi-san has prepared!  She must be pleased with her new
husband, eh?"

    "Oh, Saotome-no-oji--, er, -otousan!" Kasumi exclaimed,
putting one hand to her blushing cheek.

    "And you, Ranma-kun?" Soun inquired.

RANMA: I don't have a new husband, blockhead.

SOUN: Oh, right. We haven't told you that part yet.

Stranger things have almost happened, indeed...
 

    If he'd known that, he would have defied mother and fathers
alike, fought legions of Ryogas and Shinnosukes and pansy foreign
princes to keep her,

Huh? Why would he think of Herb as a pansy?

He changes into a girl when hit with cold water.  Ranma seems to have an
issue with that.  :)

    Kasumi's lips parted, but she hesitated a moment before
speaking.  "Is Akane all right, do you suppose?"

    Soun caught her worried tone.  "Oh, I'm sure she is," he
said reassuringly.  "Or she will be.  She had a lot to drink last
night and now she's suffering for it, that's all."

    "Really?  Oh, dear...."

    He couldn't.

Couldn't what? Abandon Kasumi? May want to clarify, since the reference
to this was several paragraphs back.

Hmm... I thought it was close enough, and clarified by the sentences
following, but I'll review.

    Sun dappled the ground in front of her; it must be nearly

Suggest: it had to be nearly

OK.

    "Yes.  Also, please be very careful not to walk in on me
while I'm in the bath from now on."

    "I--!" Ranma began to protest.  Akane held up an admonishing
finger, and he hung his head.  "I will," he agreed.  She walked
off carefully, staggering only a little on the steps up to the
walkway.

    ~~~~

    Ranma waited until Akane was safely out of earshot before
muttering, "I always was."

AKANE: Well, then be careful about me walking in on you while *you're*
in the bath.

RANMA: Um, okay. Sure. Whatever. I'll just pretend that that made sense.

I think, under the circumstances, that it would make perfect sense to him.
:)

    Nabiki opened her mouth, closed it, cocked an eyebrow, then
did an about-face and stalked off.  "What's gotten into her?"
Ranma asked.

    "Oh, perhaps she's just bad-tempered because there wasn't
any breakfast left for her.  A pity, isn't it?"

Not sure whether it was your intent, but Kasumi came off as kind of
mean-spirited to me in this bit. Not that she doesn't have
understandable reasons for being cheesed off at Nabby for her behavior
in the last installment, if that is what's going on here, but getting
back at her this way strikes me as somewhat petty -- not to mention
dangerous, as Nabby isn't the sort to take stuff like this sitting down.

Well, another way of looking at it might be that Nabiki is taking Kasumi
for granted, as she habitually has been, and Kasumi is no longer
tolerating it... since what Kasumi has actually done here is -- drumroll
-- nothing (instead of what Nabiki expected her to do).

And I really can't imagine anything that Nabiki can do to Kasumi in
reprisal for this putative slight without digging herself into a really
deep hole... especially now that Kasumi is mistress of the house de jure
as well as de facto.

Not that this behavior is necessarily wrong for Kasumi, if it's what you
intended. Though I would at least like to see more of a reaction from
Ranma here. We don't necessarily need to understand Kasumi's
motivations, but some puzzlement from Ranma would at least clue us into
the fact that we're not *supposed* to understand.

Hmm, thought I had done just that.  He was about to chide Nabiki, but it
turned out that Kasumi didn't need his defense.  I'll see about tweaking
this.

    As they walked through Nerima's business district,
shopkeepers and passersby called and waved to Kasumi, and she
carefully introduced Ranma as her husband to everyone she
exchanged words with.  It was a good thing he was used to hearing
"be good to Kasumi-san", because he netted a couple of dozen
more, both in words and in easily-readable looks.  Several also
expressed concern for Akane.  Some congratulated him on his good
fortune, though, and a couple of guys sounded envious.

DAISUKE: Who does he mean?

HIROSHI: Can't imagine.

heh!  No, but nice try.  :)

[snip to end]

The wedding scene, despite a good amount of detail and what seemed like
a lot of research, didn't interest me all that much.

I figured it wouldn't interest most readers, so the narrative focuses on
what Ranma thinks of it.

But some of the
stuff afterwards more than made up for it. The awkwardness between Ranma
and Kasumi, the desire to please hampered by lack of communication, fit
perfectly and led to some strong emotional scenes, as did Ranma's
procrastination on his promise to Ukyo and her reaction to it, and
Akane's depression and the eventual reconciliation with Ranma.

Not as reconciliated as they're going to get, of course... *sigh*

Less so
for Ryoga, IMO, who was just kinda put out of the way and given a prize
that was, at least as far as this story goes, unearned.

Er... actually, that part was intended as a reward for Akari, not Ryoga...

Overall, he
seems kinda superfluous to this story, but I'm not sure what can be done
about it and it's not too terribly big a problem anyway.

I'm still working on how Ryoga fits into the larger picture; if I get it
figured out, I may revise this.

Kodachi, while
also kinda shoved aside, managed to reclaim her dignity in the end, so I
think she came off well overall, and we know that she has a further role
to play later.

Yep, she gets a whole story all to herself eventually.  Good things come
to those who wait, or something.  :)
 

All in all, a bit weak in the middle, but overall this was one of the
best things to come out on the list in quite some time. Now get busy on
those follow-up stories. :)

Your command is my wish.  :)

Thanks for the comments!

Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.



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