----- Original Message -----
From: Dr. Wisdom <superjavaskript@yahoo.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2003 7:41 AM
Subject: [FFML] [FanFic][Ranma]Rino Matsuri

INTRODUCTION

Only because...
Queen Victoria sucked, and...
Benito Mussolini sucked, and...
Adolf Hitler sucked, and...
George S. Whole Bush sucks...
Today I really must say...
FUCK CENSORSHIP!

CHAPTER 1

LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
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LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon

full-stop.

An interesting start, but lacking in a few key areas-- characterization was
for the most part spot-on but it lacked in a few minor places.

For example, under the mountain -- I don't think that Ranma would have let
Jake fall to his death, even to catch the man in black. Maybe Ranma has
changed a lot since Nerima "moved on", but I'd at least have him be a little
more broken up about it.

Another thing, Nabiki's speech to the Musk thugs in the jewlery shop is a
little too flowery for the Nabiki character you've shown us. She is ruthless
and amoral here, and I suspect that she would have shot Vincent and Solomon
in their faces before she went into a speech about pig farming or the
definition of the word "Nemesis". It is a good line, though, but maybe she
should say it after her goons have Vinny and Sol in the body bags.

This is exceedingly minor, but Ryoga's passivity once he got cuffed to the
entertainment center with Herk bothered me. Ryoga could never resist a
fight, and if he knows that Snake and Eddie are trying to escpe the city,
even if he doesn't know they have a nuclear device, he would do anything to
break out and chase them down. He certainly wouldn't just let Greer and
Seitz show up and walk away without getting him out.

I'm glad you didn't cave in at the end and keep Kasumi alive -- the purging
of the bloodlust through her death was a powerful scene.

Despite all my complaints, I really did love this fanfic, and I look forward
to other installments. One last thing -- you may want to make the subsequent
chapters a bit shorter, I have no problem with length but other people may
see how huge th file was and not even read it, and that would be a shame.


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