Rylan Hilman wrote:

  Disclimber: The original author of the first part shall be known in
this disclimber as the original author of the first part. The secondary
author of the third part of the derivation of the original author of the
first party's part's part shall be known in this disclimber as the
secondary author of the third part of the derivation of the original
author of the first party's part's part.

  If one, both, none, or all of these parties are found to be acting
silly to an inappropriate degree at any time, please refer instead to
the actual disclaimer immediately following this installment of the
Chocolate Oranges saga. Thank you for reading, and remember, use only
genuine Interociter(tm) parties.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  "THE BEGINNING."

  It used to be later, but now...it was then.

 ----


                       [ Chocolate Oranges ]I[: ]                       
                       [   A Glass of 2% Time   ]

                          a Ranma 1/2 retrofic

                    by DannyCat (sabremau@yahoo.com)

	Ah, yes....

  "Is okay, sirs!" the guide said, bringing out a teakettle from his
emergency hut nearby, "You can, like, return old form with hot water!"
He poured the steaming tea on top of the panda, which immediately
transformed back into the confused-looking human form of Genma, wearing
his classic white gi. Oddly enough, the tea had stained the gi in such a
way that it was now colored a somewhat pastel pink.

	nearby, "You -- nearby. "You

	A pink gi. Well, I seem to remember it working in Street Fighter... 
kind of.

	Stone Cold Dan Hibiki.

	... nevermind.

	As always, ignore any C&C you don't like. :p

  "Uh-oh...hey, pops!! No time for lunch, we gotta get goin' if we're
gonna get back to Japan before dark!" Ranma shouted frantically, jumping
to her feet and rushing onto the empty train car just seconds before the
doors shut behind her.

	pops -- Pops

  Genma, somewhat slowed by the fully packed bento boxes he had just
received from the guide(as a dunking consolation gift), was a few steps
too slow to get through the door, even running all-out, so he quickly
thought up a new plan. As the train started to slide off in the direction
of Japan, he jumped into the air, carefully aimed his leg, and made a
flying kick at a glass window on the train. He gave a mighty shout:

	guide(as -- guide (as

  Pulling out his battle-worn, yet unbelievably sturdy, black trench-coat
from his dresser, he put it on, along with his black dress shoes and
black fedora. His uniform completed, he beckoned across the room to his
suitcase, which telepathically heeded the wishes of its owner and
flew neatly into his outstretched hand.

	Ah, yes. The Trench. Eric always did wonder where it ended up next....

  "Indeed. Some pressing business has come up, and I shall have to be
gone for some time."  He walked briskly downstairs until he got to the
main floor, where he turned in the direction of the back porch.

	Extra space after 'time."'

  The Yotsuya Rowboat gently lifted out of the water and let its owner
on board before noisily powering up in a bright and flashy pyrotechnic
display, spinning around towards land, and launching in a silent arc
over the top of the house and through the sky, its destination known
only to Mr. Yotsuya himself.

	As an aside, I happen to think that this world is awesome. I just like 
the casual flying rowboats, etc.

	Right.

	Anyway. On with the C&C.

  "Hey, Nabiki?" someone called from her bedroom door. Nabiki leaned
back in her chair and saw her younger sister Akane, wearing her usual
jogging outfit for the time of day.  "Dad said that after breakfast,
he's got some important announcement or something, and that we should
expect some visitors."

	Extra space after 'day.'

  "Heh, it'll probably end up being some girl and her pet panda that
we'll be sticking in Mr. Yotsuya's room. Imagine the look on his face
if THAT happened," Nabiki chuckled inwardly at that particular mental
image as she put away the piles of homework into a nearby organizing
drawer.

	I sense Pereshte's lingering influence.

  "Well, Mr. Yotsuya just left a few minutes ago, so he probably wouldn't
do too much right away. Anyway, I'm heading out for my morning exercises,
so I'll might be back in a little while, or not. It all depends on how
soon Tatewaki tires out." She grinned and waved briefly, then jogged
downstairs.

  Nabiki finished sorting the documents into the cabinet, closed it,
and suddenly stopped in her tracks, a confused look on her face.

  "Wait...where did THAT come from?"

	I'm not clear on exactly what 'that' is... I'm guessing it's Akane's 
new tennis partner.

  "Ah well," she continued, thinking out loud, "at least if there's any
water in this dust bin, it'll probably be warm enough to change back
with..."

	Elipses, etc. etc. etc. :)

  What Ranma had no way of knowing was that there was, and it was, but
she wouldn't see a drop of it before it was all gone. She also didn't
hear the faint and distant sound of a mailbox creaking opening far
behind the two.

	opening -- open

  She kneeled down, placed her hands on his torso and tried a simple
recovery spell. After a few moments, his breathing began to approach a
somewhat normal rate. A small patch of snow slid off of her parka hood
and landed on his face, where it immediately began to melt from his body
heat.

	'kneeled' or 'knelt'? I always got this one wrong on tests....

  "Hiryuu....Hiryuu Shohokodan, it worked. It worked! I DID IT!!" he
yelled in triumph, leaping to his feet and jumping around like a young
child with a shiny new toy. "I did it...now, Ranma Saotome! You're going
DOWN, do you hear me?! DOWN!! BWAAHAHAHAHAhuh?"

	Yes... attacks that leave you KOed are always good. :p

  "Uh, excuse me, miss..." he bowed politely, but just for a moment,
before turning on his heel and sprinting off in a random direction. "Just
you wait, Ranma. 'Cause Ryoga Hibiki's the best there is at what Ryoga
Hibiki does, bub! And what I do is WHAAAAAYRG?!?"

	Ryouga: ...and the most wonderful thing about Hibikis is, that I'm the 
only one!

	Ranma: Ya got that right.

	Ryouga: Oh, shut up.

  A casual observer would deduce that this wasn't quite what he had
intended to say here. They would be correct, since Ryoga was rudely
interrupted by a three-legged eagle with the face of a man and the tail
of an ox, attracted to his relatively loud outburst, who had swooped in
and grabbed him by the hair before flying off towards some unknown
destination.

	Well.

	That was different.

  'This looks like too much fun to pass up...'

	up...' -- up....'

	Previously, you did not use any form of quotation to offset thoughts. 
You might want to rework this (or prior instances) for consistancy.

  'Sure, there's going to be a lot of competition...'

	Same. :p

  Pereshte boldly hid in plain sight, holding a cup of hot tea and
silently chuckling at his own cleverness. They all said it was daft
to write an insurance policy in the spot where he did, but he did it
anyway! It sank into the swamp. However, since that was exactly what
it was SUPPOSED to do, he didn't make a second one.

  Or, rather, won't make a second one. No need for it in the future, he
reminded himself, since when he did(wioll haven done) he remained(willan
on-remain) exactly where he would be, WITH what he would have been
having(mayan havian on-been), whenever he'd need(waten haven on-need) it,
and that was all that mattered(and will have mattered, previously on) for
the moment.

	All of these open parenthesis marks should be preceeded by a space. No 
spacing is needed internal to the paranthetical statements, but it is 
needed externally, possibly exceptiong punctuation.

	....


	I've got a wicked cold/flu/bubonic plague/thing going on here, so I'm 
not thinking clearly, and I may not be expressing myself clearly, 
either. >_<

	Hopefully, that made sense.

  "Huh. Maybe they broke..."

	broke..." -- broke...."

  "Yeah, yeah..."

	yeah..." -- yeah...."

  Pereshte watched them continue on their way in silence.

	But the tea, Dannycat! The tea! What of the TEA?!

	Wait. That's the cold talking.

	And it's still a better C&Cer than me. >_<

---
 
  Very much fun time, indeed.

	I had a good time.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

                       [   TO BE CONCLUDED...   ]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  Disclaimer:

  The characters and situations of Ranma 1/2, as well as the
fantastically versatile Mr. Yotsuya, are owned by Rumiko Takahashi
and those she licensed them to, including, but not limited to,
Shogakukan and Viz. Naga the Serpent is a character from Slayers,
originally created by Hajime Kanzaka. Pereshte, however, is my own
original character. The events and persons in this fanfic are
completely fictional and any resemblance to actual events or persons
is completely unintentional, and the author is not responsible for
any injury, trauma, or other detrimental condition resulting from
proper or improper use of this fan fiction. Comments, suggestions,
and other C&C are shall be eagerly read and replied to, and will be
accepted at the email address of sabremau@yahoo.com. Keep circulating
the fanfics!

	Hopefully you found some of this helpful. :p

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Who feels like he's talking too loudly, and no one wants to hear him at 
the moment, and yet, doesn't stop.
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.


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