[FFML] Re: (repost)(R½)(fanfic)Duck and Peaches at the... ch. 1-5

Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.4

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY.
My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even
professional editors make mistakes. Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

Accept those comments and criticism that
you find useful, ignore the rest.

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1) Keep the author remarks to a minimum. Better, put them at the
END of the chapter. Get to the story ASAP.

2) I prefer a more straight forward 'Disclaimer' w/o cute remarks.
The 'Disclaimer', IMO, primarily shows respect for the original
authors genius and hard work.

3)An interesting premise. It would benefit from more narrative to
balance the dialogue. And the dialogue is a little clunky at times. IMO
you might want to trim some of the existing dialogue and replace it
with descriptive narrative.

4) I am fully cognizant of "Theater of the Absurd" with odd
character/place names as exemplified in:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"There are some who call me . . . Tim"
or the "Knights who say Nee"

However, IMO, this particular story does not seem to fit into
that characteristic style.

While canon Ranma uses humorous naming groups such as Herb,
Mint, Lime, Saffron, etc. based on food (for example) some of this
humor depends partly on the various same sound/different meaning of
Japanese/Chinese characters and does not transfer very well into
English. (Recall also that Shampoo's Amazon 'Sisters' were named
Lin Lin and Ran Ran NOT Powder and Patch (a little Georgette Heyer
humor))

And, while an author can name characters "Perfume", "Hairspary" or even "Scrambled Eggs" (following the 'food' tradition)
the name "Hairspray" in this story blasted me out of a willing
suspension of disbelief like a stick of dynamite.

I am particularly sensitive to names, and often spend from three to five
hours trying to find exactly the right name for a character. A name that
reflects the character AND the characters society. Regarding
Amazons, I normally assume that 'modern' Chinese Amazons are
descended from an older society, such as the Assyrian light horse
archers, that has adapted to conditions in the Qinghai mountains and
chose names accordingly. (Deciding on that kind of back story helps
me flesh out the characterizations quickly and with less danger of
logical holes, since I'm working from existing history to a large
extent)

In this particular story, my personal opinion (and it's ONLY my
opinion) is that the name 'Hairspray' does not add to the story and,
indeed, severely detracts from it.

Please keep in mind, this is only my opinion. Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.

A few links that I have found useful:

http://www.spikemagazine.com/0896name.htm

http://teenwriting.about.com/cs/characternames/

http://www.writing-world.com/sf/

What's in a name: http://www.writing-world.com/sf/name.html

BOOK:
Adam's Task: Calling Animals by Name
By Vicki Hearne

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