@_@
<eeeeeeeee> {Comments! I love comments}


SkyeFire@aol.com wrote:

In a message dated 1/28/2003 2:30:07 PM Eastern Standard Time, 
allynyonge0000@netscape.net writes:

Chapter: 28

Mei ren ji
(Use a woman to ensnare a man)

      As Lazarus Long once said:  "He came, he saw, *she* conquered."

@@ The nice thing about Chinese aphorisms, they have so many layers of meaning
you can use them for almost any situation. ^_O
@@@@

   "Hi Kodachi." Akane called cheerfully. "Kasumi is
trying on a dress, but she'll be out in a minute."

   "There is no hurry." The young Templar was
conservatively dressed in gold-washed mail, over which she
wore a silk tabard emblazoned with the Templar Cross and,
stitched in silver thread around a scarlet naginata, was her
motto:

<SNIP>

   For Honor, Justice and God

      Strike hard and fear nothing.

      Formatted a bit oddly, but maybe it's just my email client.

@@Nope. I was trying to overcome the limits of ASCII and make the 'motto'
stand out a bit visually.
@@@@

   "Nabiki-san asked me to stop by with some papers she
had asked for. She told me you were shopping and I thought
to offer you a ride home."

   Akane blinked. She hadn't heard Kodachi speak so
clearly since . . .she thought a moment. She'd never heard her
be so direct. It was disconcerting.

      Heck, the whole idea of a sane... well, okay, insane-in-a-good-way 
Kodachi is boggling.  But I like it.  

@@ Thank you. I had fun with it. Everyone seems to like it, thus far.
@@@@

   "Thank you, but we're going to be a while."

   Kodachi turned to face Kasumi as she left the dressing
room and bowed slightly. "Nevertheless, I shall instruct
Sasuki to remain with the car and I shall proceed by," she
swallowed hard and Akane had to stifle a laugh at the look on
her face. "by . . .public conveyance."

      Hah.  Still has some canon-Kodachi hangups, though.

@@ Rich people hang-up's. 
Or as Scott Fitzgerald once said to Hemingway,:

 " The very rich are different from you and me,'' 

''Yes,'' Hemingway replied, ''They have more money.''

@@@@

   "It's not so bad," Kasumi hid a smile by pretending to
cough. "I travel on the train all the time."

      Awww, Kasumi's being gentle with Kodachi's feelings.  That's sweet.

 
@@ hey, my middle name is Sweet. 
Of course my last name is Mutual Assured Destruction. Sort of takes the warm
and fuzzies out of things. 
@@@@

   "Walking across hot coals," Kodachi said grandly,
"Could not but be enlivened by the knowledge that you were
near. <SNIP>

      Okay, I'm stealing that first line.  Dunno where I'll use it, but...

@@That old thing? Well . . . as long as I'm given proper credit, foreign book and
movie rights and 10% of the gross on the action figure.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "Thank you." Kodachi paused a moment, abnormally

subdued. "My lady . . .no, Kasumi-san," Kasumi's eyes went
wide. Kodachi hadn't called her Kasumi-san since the day of
Kodachi's mother's funeral.  "Kasumi-san . . . trust only your
sisters, avoid the touch of strangers. Go no place alone, not
even the . . .facilities," she added delicately, flushing slightly.

      Damn.  'Dachi seems to have gone un-crazy, or at least less-crazy.

@@Kuno is on the phone to the hospital now trying to get help
for his poor sane sister.
@@@@

<SNIP>

. "Please do this and . . .and I will trouble you no

more after this crisis is past."

      Okay, something seriously bad is going on.  Kodachi must be truly 
afraid for Kasumi, to make that offer.  
      (after reading on)  Ah.  She's referring to Ranma, isn't she?  Nabiki 
must have given her the condensed version.

@@yep
@@@@

   Kasumi's left eyebrow tried to crawl off her face and
Akane gave a small gasp of surprise. "I appreciate your
offer," Kasumi said sincerely, "but, after all this time I'm not
sure if I could get to sleep without someone singing archaic
French ballads outside my window. And who else would
protect me from rogue cappuccino machines?"

      I VOLUNTEER!!!!!

@@Errrr . . .perhaps Kodachi will lend you some of her meds?
@@@@

    Kodachi hung her head, recalling the Starbucks
debacle.

    "Besides," Kasumi put a finger under Kodachi's chin
and tilted her face up, "we still have some unresolved issues."
Kasumi's face was tinged a delicate pink and Kodachi felt her
own face heat.

      Call me a sucker, but I was hoping that this would happen.  I just 
want to see canine loyalty and devotion rewarded, I guess.  
      Besides, I think Kasumi's been *good* for Kodachi -- our favorite 
Templar is now at least somewhat saner than an emu on acid.

@@
TYPICAL AUSIE: "Bloody oath, Yank. I knew a banana bender that
come a guster about twenty klicks beyond the black stump 'cause some greenie
with  Kangaroos loose in the top paddock spit the dummy over a bloke who had
an emu station. Silly clacker opened the gate and the whole bloody flock took off
like a lizard drinking. Rooted birds got full as a boot on ergot. Went mad as a cut
snake and racked off into the bush until they ran across my cobber. He was using
the dunny and these blood birds nipped off his wedding tackle neat as jack's your
uncle. Nothing worse than a plonked emu.
@@@@

   "I have to go . . .now. I have to," Kodachi backed
hastily away, getting tangled in her sword. "Ummm . . .yes. I
have to go. Now. I . . .I'll see you later. See you." Realizing
she was babbling, Kodachi's mouth snapped shut. She
sketched a jerky bow, then turned and fled from the store.

      Yep.  She's in love.  Having her idealized goddess turn out to have 
the libido of a Navy task force after an 18-month deployment (even if it 
*was* drug-induced) must have been a shock to her system

@@ Every thing was very tasteful and understated. ^_*
They COULD have spent the time playing scrabble for all
the reader knows.
@@@@

   "That was fun," Kasumi remarked to the air. "What
do you think of this dress?" Kasumi asked Akane, holding up
a wisp of scarlet that appeared to have been spun by an
especially anemic silkworm, composed as it was of mostly
empty space and a healthy imagination.

      Kasumi, you wicked little minx!  You're enjoying this FAR too much.
      And, Allyn?  I'm stealing that dress description, too.  How do you DO 
that?

@@ ^_*
Dress? I could see it as I was writing this. I keep telling people that i don't really 
plan my stories. (There are a couple of people who believe me. ^_*) I just drop the
characters into situations and write down what happens.
@@@@

*****
  *****

   On the other side of the room, Saotome Genma stood,
completely invisible by virtue of the enormous hairy mole he
had affixed to the corner of his mouth.  People either turned
away, or stared fixedly at the blemish. In either case, no one
saw _him_.

      Gads.  A "Goldmember" reference?  Or is this just some kind of cosmic 
coincidence?

@@Actually I first ran across the idea in "Double Star" by R. A. Heinlein. But it's
actually quite a common magicians trick . . . misdirection. (My wife used to be a
professional ventriloquist and magician)
@@@@

<SNIP>
 appraise the diamonds being worn by the ladies on either side

while kissing her hand. As Kasumi and Akane paid for their
purchases, he moved casually away, not bothering to watch
them anymore. He already knew where they had to go next.

      Mmm?  Where?  I'm missing something...

@@No. The READER doesn't know, but Genma has figured out
their pattern from watching them shop and knowing the layout of the store. I
didn't think it was important to go into that much detail here. But maybe I should
have added a line or two to that effect. 
@@@@

   It had taken him a while, but he had finally figured it
out. Souun! His old friend had his package. That explained
why he had left so suddenly, without a word to anyone.

    Moderately clever, Genma thought savagely, for a
weak fool like Tendou Souun.

      Yeah, where the hell HAS Soun been the last few chapters?  Something 
has him wound up enough to stay off the sauce and yet still avoid going home.

@@You'll have to wait on the answer to that one.
@@@@

   From his right hand pocket Genma pulled a bottle of
pure grain alcohol, clearly marked for industrial use only. His
hand shook slightly from anticipation. He always did his
planning dry - - a little sake wasn't really drinking - -  but the
execution . . . ahhhh. . . that needed a bit of real lubrication.

      I'll admit that sometimes your descriptions of Genma's alchoholism 
seem a little over the top, but this works pretty well.  Addicts always have 
*some* kind of rationalization.

@@Thank you. It took me a while to work that one out.
@@@@

<SNIP>
contents of the tube into the bottle - - the heavy green liquid
roiled and flowed like mad worms eating through flesh, until
the contents of the bottle turned the dark furry green of moss
growing beneath a tumbled gravestone.

      I'd suggest losing the "mad worms" stuff -- it just seems gratuitously 
graphic, for something that doesn't really add anything to the story.

@@Hmmm . . . sometimes I'm too subtle for my own good. Absinth is a
derivative of wormwood and was outlawed in many places because it was believed
to drive people insane.  Oh well, I'll work on that one. It is a bit florid.
@@@@

<SNIP>

throat and Genma relished the feeling of god-like savagery
and power that flooded his brain. Smiling in anticipation he
fingered the icepick in his pocket. A few minutes with a pair
of pliers had assured that the wooden handle would slip free
of the steel pick, leaving no fingerprints behind. The slender
needle sharp shaft would slide easily between vertebra and
into the base of the brain. There wouldn't even be any blood,
as the skin closed around the tiny entry wound almost
instantly. They wouldn't figure out what had happened until
after the autopsy. Sometimes not even then, he knew from
experience, if the coroner was inexperienced or in a hurry.

      And Ranma thinks his Pops is just a con man.  Just how much does Ranma 
*not* know about Genma's crimes, I wonder?

@@ As Ranko told Akane. Genma taught Ranma all he knows, but
Genma hasn't taught Ranma all HE knows. 
@@@@

   Settling into the spot he'd picked out earlier, Genma
vanished into the shadows, patient as stone. Akane would
learn what martial arts was _really_ about.  It would be a
short lesson, but she would get the point, he thought, pleased
with his grim pun. And Souun, his old,_dear_ friend Souun.
He would learn not to fuck with Saotome Genma. He might
even let Souun have Kasumi back, if he paid up quick enough.

      You've made Ranma look pretty bad in this fic (though he's started to 
redeem himself, piecemeal), but by comparison to Genma, here, he's a freakin' 
saint.  I suspect this is going to be important, later...

@@ You suspect rightly. I don't suppose it's giving anything away to say that
Genma's problems are pretty much hard-wired (I suspect an MRI of Genma's
brain would show a few dark spots in his pre-frontal lobes.) Ranma is more a
product of his environment, which had Nodaka in it for his more formative first
three years, while Genma had HIS parents, who were less than sterling citizens.
@@@@
@@@@

    He took another pull from his bottle.

   Enough of her for a funeral, at least.

      "I say we nuke the fat bastard from orbit.  It's the only way to be 
sure."

@@ ummmm. . . nahh, too subtle.
@@@@

   "Nodoka-san?"

   The door opened to show a much younger looking
woman than the aging, sick creature who had been brought to
the embassy over nine weeks earlier "Yes?" Nodoka smiled
and it transformed her, even more than the good food and
new clothes. "Is it time?" she asked eagerly, seeing the look
on her benefactress's face.

      Hmm.  Cologne was looking 17 last chapter, IIRC -- J-water?  Did she 
use some on Nodoka, too, or is it just food, care, and hope that is making 
her look young again?

@@Nodaka? Care and decent food.
@@@@

   "Why don't we go see your son."

      Need a "?" there.

@@ It's more of a statement that a question.
@@@@

*****
   *****

   "You wanted to see me?" Ranma asked casually,
leaning against the door frame.

      What door frame?  I ask because I got a bit lost when everybody 
started showing up, further down.  I was thinking this was Nabiki's room, 
which is on the 2nd floor, but then people start coming in through the 
ground-floor doors.  You *might* want to mention, in passing, what part of 
the house they're in.  It's not a big problem, just a minor nit.

@@<Eeeeeeep!> Sorry about that.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   Nabiki blinked, unable to comprehend at first. "What
do you mean, nope?"

   "Can't help you." He turned to go and there was a
flash of steel as a giant spatula blocked his way.

      Uh...oh.  I think Ukyou's about to put her Genma-hunt on hold for 
Nabiki.  Which is a *good* thing, actually -- it shows that s/he *can* get 
past his/her obsessions. 
      Now we just have to do something about that gender confusion....

@@We do?
And Ukyou isn't so much past 'his' obsessions as he is directing them into
more constructive channels. ^)*
[besides, you've got a better chance of getting Genma in ambush than by a stalk)
@@@@

   "I think Nabiki asked you a question." Ukyou's voice
was hard and the look in his eyes suggested that Ranma was a
nail and Ukyou had a hammer.

      Sug a comma after "hard."  Niice bit of description there, BTW (and 
yes, I'm stealing that, too).

@@ Glad I could help. BTW, what's the name of the story 'you' are writing.
<VBG>
BTW, I thought of THAT bit of description about 20 seconds before posting the
capter to FFML
@@@@

<SNIP>

   Ranma didn't bother to answer, but turned away from
Ukyou to leave. A slender figure in blackened mail, bastard
sword at her hip and morning-star swinging lightly in her left
hand, stepped in his way.

      Yep, Nabs called in everybody she had on tap.  But somehow I doubt 
they're enough to take Ranma, especially a Ranma who doesn't give a darn 
about maiming attacks and using potentially lethal force.

@@ I based Ranma's ideas about martial arts on the 'old masters'. Miyamoto
Musashi, for example, always looked for a psychological advantage.  One time he
waited in crowd, disguised, until he judged his opponent in a duel was off guard,
then rushed from the crowed and split the man's skull open with his wooden
sword. One reason he his suspected to have so often used a wooden rather than a
steel sword, is that his opponents steel blade would catch in his wooden one,
rather than sliding off as steel on steel, and he could take an opportunity to disarm
or at least throw off their timing. Ranma's big advantage at this point is that he
knows more about Ukyou and Kodachi's styles than they do about his. Plus, they
aren't trained to fight together, so are likely to get in each other way. AND they
have to worry about hitting each other, while Ranma doesn't have to worry about
'friendly fire'.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "But it's not your home, is it?" Ranma replied softly.
"It's mine now. The house, the doujou, it's all mine since I
married your sister."

      Oh, crap.  Oh, crap.  Oh, crap.

@@Pretty much the reaction I was looking for. ^)+
@@@@

   Nabiki went white, swaying slightly in her chair and
Ukyou leapt to support her.

   "Dammit, what are you up to!" Nabiki was horrified at
the tears that clogged her throat. She had to be strong. "What
are you doing? Akane would never let you - - "

      Oddly enough, I don't find this OOC for Nabs at all, after everything 
she's been through lately.  Good work -- you got her (and us) to this point 
so smoothly we didn't feel the knife going in (so to speak).

@@ Thank you. Looks like I got another one right. ^_*
@@@@

<SNIP>
at Nabiki's expression hearing Akane's derisive term on his
lips, "we're going to need money for modern equipment,
expanded facilities, advertising." he shrugged, "it takes money
to make money. Don't you think I got a good rate?"

      Ranma lecturing Nabiki on getting good interest.  The mind boggles...

@@I find that making tiny changes like that seem to work well.
@@@@

   "That's not the point," Nabiki raged, "you have no
right - - "

   "I have every right," Ranma squatted beside her chair,
putting himself at her eye level, " _you_ have no right. You
have the clothes on your back. Everything else is mine."

      I *think* your grammatical construction is legit, here, but I'd 
suggest ending his first line with a period, and making his second line a new 
sentence.  Helps punctuate (ahem!) his action.
      And... Damn, Allyn, that's fskcing *cold,* man.  Just when we thought 
maybe Ranma was growing something resembling a consience...

@@Perhaps. OTOH it IS his dojou.  And he's a married man. Not too many
people would appreciate a sister-in-law and outsiders butting into their home life.
So, you _could_ look at this as Ranma being absolutely aboveboard and playing it
straight.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "You need a little attitude adjustment," Ukyou said
coldly. "I've been waiting ten years for this."

      I think Ukyou needs an action here, maybe tightening his grip on the 
battle-spat, or something.  The plain dialogue is just too... well, plain.

@@Perhaps But (for once) I thought an understated approach worked best.
You've got a good point. I'll mull it over and see what I come up with.
@@@@

   "I think," Kodachi slid her sword from it's scabbard,
advancing with both sword and morning-star. "that this cur
needs lessoning in manners."

   Ranma blinked sleepily, like a  lion slightly irritated by

      Extra space.

the buzzing of flies.  "Let's take this outside. I don't want you
bustin' up my furniture."

      Geeeeez, he just can't pass up any chance to rub it in, can he?

@@ To my way of thinking this indicated he's not playing a 'con' right now, or he
wouldn't be so blunt. He's 'relaxed' and completely natural (well, more so than
usual.)  Playing it straight does NOT mean Ranma's personality is going to be any
less sharp edged. ^_*
@@@@

   *Crap* Nabiki didn't like Ranma's calm attitude, like

      Need a period after "crap."  No biological puns intended.

he didn't care if there were two or twenty of them. She knew
something about martial arts, and no one was that good. No
one _could_ be that good. Could they?

      Ukyou and Kodachi are probably better than in canon... but Ranma's a 
lot nastier.  I wouldn't give Team Nabiki good odds.

@@Well, just keep in mind that Ranma isn't primarily a fighter. His main interest
is in winning. Nasty if nasty is what works in a particular situation. Bugging out if
that gives him what he wants, or playing one side off against another. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

then her heart went cold as Akane automatically went to
Ranma's side.  Not her sister, but her husband. Nabiki felt
sick inside, but she had to try.

      Okay, I had to stop reading here, for a moment.  Ghod, but I could 
*feel* that icy-knife-in-the-gut that Nabiki is feeling, here.

@@ woah! Boy, am I good, or what? ^_*
That's better than I hoped for.
@@@@

   "It's this," she held out the papers, "Ranma has
mortgaged everything. He's - - "

      I'd suggest ending her first line with a period, making "She held..." 
a new sentence.  

   "OH, is that all?" Akane's body relaxed.

   "Is that . . .you _knew_!" Nabiki gaped at her baby
sister.

      <blink>  Okay, I'm honestly not sure if this is good or bad...

@@ ZEN moment. It's neither good nor bad. It simply is. ^_P
@@@@

   "Well of course," Akane looked surprised. "I had to

      Need a comma after "Well"

sign the papers, too. Everything is in both our names."

      And whose idea was THAT, I wonder?  The answer could reveal a great 
deal.

@@Actually, from my _microscopic_ knowledge of Japanese inheritance law, I
think in this case it would be an automatic part of the process. It IS essentially a
'safety' device, but not peculiar to Ranma & Akane, but rather standard (I think)
because of the ruinous inheritance taxes. 
@@@@

   Nabiki felt a sense of unreality. She'd assumed that
Ranma had forged her sisters signature. But now - -

      Sister's.  Posessive.

   "Baka!"

   Nabiki jerked at the shout, and looked up in time to
see Akane smack Ranma across the head.

      Okaaaay, I can see who wears the pants in *this* family.  

@@I will simply point out that past chapter 24 of this story Akane doesn't spend a
lot of time wearing pants, or much of anything . . . Though whether this is a
fashion statement or simply a time saver I leave to the reader to decide. ^_*
@@@@

   "Just _what_ have you been saying to Nabiki?" Akane
glared around at Ukyou and Kodachi, who were sheepishly
lowering their weapons.  Akane looked at her sister, who

      Good grief.  Akane as the voice of calm and reason.  Oy.

@@She's an old married woman. Calm, placid . . . like
a wolverine with a toothache.
@@@@

remained silent. Partially because Nabiki didn't want to carry
tales, and partially she was afraid to test Akane's loyalties.
Nabiki's hesitation seemed answer enough for Akane, who
rounded on Ranma and boxed his ears.

   "Owwww!"  Ranma rubbed his head glaring at Akane.
"What did you do - - Owwww!" Stepping back he rubbed the
other side of his head. "Would you quit - - OW! Now cut that
out!" Ranma grabbed both her hands and dragged Akane
close. Nabiki gasped at the angry glint in his eye, while
Kodachi and Ukyou both took a step toward him.

      Interesting.  Ranma is really angry, and yet... Akane doesn't seem to 
care.  Is she just not noticing, or can she see him better than he sees 
himself?

@@Ummm . . . well, partially. But it's also because Akane isn't afraid
_physically_ of things. A little pain, blood and broken bones - - what would be a
case of severe abuse in another marriage is just a normal workout as far as she's
concerned. She's tough. Plus, _Akane_ is the one with temper, normally.  And
she's spent most of her life fighting a deteriorating body, so in some ways Ranma
in a temper is almost inconsequential.  Also, Ranam & Akane are both very
physical in the original manga. I simply exaggerate that a bit in this story. I simply
picture both of them as adrenalin junkies, like people who enjoy extreme sports. 
Normal life is kind of dull and tasteless to both of them. EVEN if Akane loses her
temper entirely, she's unlikely to be able to hit Ranma (unless he let's her. Plus
he's pretty tough himself) EVEN if Ranma let's go, he's probably not going to
actually be able to do much damage to Akane except under a determined and
sustained assault. (she's got a lot of faults as a martial artist, but she CAN absorb a
lot of punishment) So, this is another way i see that they complement each other.
@@@@

   "Don't hit me like that again!" Ranma growled.

   "Then don't be an ass!" Akane snapped, not in the
least intimidated. "Don't tease Nabiki."

      I used to think she was oblivious.  Now I wonder if perhaps she 
doesn't see (Ranma, at least) better than anyone...

@@As I said, a bit of both. Some clear vision, some obliviousness, due to a
combination of young love(and a healthy dose of lust) plus an incredibly thick head
in some respects. Akane has got her own set of blinders and hang ups. 
@@@@

   "What makes you think - - Owww!" He twisted her
arm roughly, genuine anger in his eyes. "Don't kick me on the
shins!"

   "That little love tap?" Akane said scornfully. "What
are you, a sissy?"

      She won't give up, she won't back down, she won't give him a 
millimeter...
      That's it, isn't it?  Ranma's finally met someone whose limits exceed 
his.  

@@I think of it as irresistible force meets immovable object. Yin & Yang, peanut
butter & jelly . . . something like that. ^_O
@@@@

<SNIP>
are a martial artist. That means you have to be more
responsible.  You can't go around teasing people and picking
fights. That makes you a bully." The way Akane said the
word, it was clear that there was nothing lower. "It's like me
with my temper. You're helping me with that, and it's my
duty to help you with this."

      My...ghod.  Not too many chapters back, I didn't think there was any 
way you'd be able to redeem Ranma out of the hole you'd written him into.  
Dammit, Allyn, how do you DO these things?

@@ Dammit,<VBG> I keep telling people, I don't KNOW! ^)+
 I just drop the characters into a situation and then write down what happens. I
honest don't know what's going to happen until I write it.  I'll spend days plotting
out a scene, and then when I'm actually writing, smelting entirely different comes
out. I'll tell you one thing. This scene was NOT one I had planned. In fact chapters
28, 29 & 30 are NOTHING like what I envisioned. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "Relax," Akane assured her, "I put Neesama into your
car with Sasuki and he drove her to the University while I
went to talk with Uncle Genma."

      Oh, oka-- SAY WHAT!?!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!

@@<VBG>
@@@@

   "What!"

   Suddenly united the four turned on her with identical
expressions of horror and disbelief.

   "Where is the bastard . . .Th' Ol' Man! . . . What th'
hell . . .That was a dangerous . . .are you stupid!"

      You're trying to portray a simultaneous eruption of voices, here, but 
I don't think the elipses are working for that -- to me, at least, elipses 
are connected to pauses.  Maybe /s or something.  Or maybe just *describe* 
it, rather than try to fit all the words in -- this is a problem that text 
always has, converying scenes like this.

@@yeah, I wasn't real pleased with this one myself. But a 'fix' never suggested
itself to me. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll let it percolate for a while and see
what i come up with. F
@@@@

<SNIP>

she was getting Akane took a moment to marshal her
thoughts. "Well . . . I noticed Uncle Genma in the store while
we were shopping . . .is he craz. . .uhhh . . .he was wearing
the most _disgusting_ mole thingy on his face," she gave

      I'm not sure the mid-sentence interjection really works here, or is 
needed.

@@ ^_* all I can say in my defense is 'that's the way it happened',
but I'll see if I can come up with a less kludged way of doing it.
@@@@

<SNIP>

man? That rubber mole is one of his best gags. _No one_ ever
sees him." Ranma was flabbergasted, as if the sun suddenly
rose in the west. "How did _you_ see th' old man?"

      "Because I'm not really Akane, I'm a Self-Insert Character!"
      .....
      ...........
      Nah.  Forget I wrote that.

@@ <Groan>
@@@@

   "Situational Awareness Training from my wonderful
sensei," Akane leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek,
smiling at Ranma's flush. There were soft sniggers from the
rest and Ranma flushed brighter, darting an angry look at the
room, which produced more laughter.

      Heh heh heh.  She has him wrapped around her finger at least as much 
as she's wrapped around his.
      Which is probably the only way this relationship is going to work.  
They're both so combative, their only peace is mutual stalemate.  If either 
one had a real advantage over the other, there'd be hell to pay...

@@Well, a marriage of equals. Dynamic equilibrium, rather than
stalemate, IMO. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

   Akane's face split with an urchin-like grin. "We snuck
out through ladies wash-room window. I boosted her up and
Neesama wriggled through and I followed."

      Kasumi:  "Akane!  Watch your hands!"
      Akane:  "Sorry, Neesama.  But I have to say, your butt isn't nearly as 
firm and hard as Ran--"
      Kasumi:  "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEEEEAR YOU!!!"

@@ ^_O
I sometimes wonder if the FFML shouldn't be the EFML (Etchi Fiction ML)
@@@@

   "You . . .wash-room . . .MY LADY!" Kodachi was
horrified. Her lady, 'wriggling' through a window? A _wash
room_ window! Kodachi had never even _been_ in a public
wash-room, but was firmly convinced they were swirling
pools of germs, filth and perversion. What else could you
expect from something that was open to . . .to the _public_.

      Had to stop reading to ROFTL.

@@I'm rather fond of this one myself.
Glad you liked it.
@@@@

<SNIP>
   "I have a few things I want to discuss with Uncle
Genma. Concerning training." She shot a look at her husband,
noting the gathering fire in his eyes. "It's martial arts stuff,"
she put a hand on his arm, sighing as she felt the iron-hard
tension. "Not very interesting," she dismissed.

      Okay, she's talking to Nabiki there, with a "we'll discuss this later" 
subtext to Ranma, right?  She *knows* what Ranma's going to say, and she 
doesn't want him to say it in front of Nabiki, who'll get worried.

@@Got it in one.
@@@@

   "It's a good thing you couldn't find him." Ranma
spoke through a tightly clenched jaw and Akane winced.

   "Ummm . . .actually I did find him," she decided to
make a clean breast of things, while there were witnesses
around.

      OTOH, Ranma might not tie her up and punish her in front of other 
people...

@@Or he might tie them all up and punish all of them. ^_~
Ranma's a healthy boy. 
@@@@

   The temperature of the room seemed to drop. "And?"
The single word dropped from Ranma's lips like the voice of
doom.

      I'd suggest "like a block of ice."  Not that it's *better,* I just 
like the temperature connection.

@@I _think_ I had it that way, but thought it sounded too repetitive and changed
to 'doom'. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

 Heaving a deep sigh, Akane decided

to give up trying to placate her husband. Men were so
unreasonable sometimes.

      Having our nearest&dearest come a whisker's breadth from annihilation 
tends to do that to us.

@@ ^_*
just what I was trying to convey.
@@@@

   "What did you do?" Ranma grated, biting off each
word as if his teeth hurt.

   "Nothing. I got scared," she burst out. "I started to go
up to him, but I just couldn't. Something . . .it just felt funny
and I couldn't do it!" Miserably she waited for his teasing.

   "Thank god you ain't as stupid as ya look," Ranma
enfolded her in a crushing embrace. He held her against him
for a moment, then pushed her away. "Don't you _ever_ do
that again." She winced as his grip on her shoulders tightened.
"You don't see the old man, you don't talk to him, you don't
talk to people he's talked to, you don't even _think_ about
him." Ranma took a shuddering breath, trying to control
himself.

      Geee... was that real fear in his eyes?  

@@ Yep.
@@@@

   "But . . ." Akane started to protest.

   "But nuthin'!" Ranma stormed, "The old man's my
problem."

       C&C to be continued (Stupid AOL mail size limits....)

@@Whew. I was going to combine both of your posts and reply in one, but
this has taken most of the night. So I guess I'll reply to each post separately.

Thanks for such detailed C&C. I really appreciate it.


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