Bjorn Christianson wrote:
Rather late C&C, but I've got to get back into this game
somehow. Hopefully still in time to be of some use to you.
Always.
I'm probably going to do a couple of other fics before I
come back to finish C&Cing DitR, but I hope to catch up
entirely soon.
I need to do some catching up of my own.
"I see you know how to hold a bokken," Motoko observed, shifting into
an offensive stance, her wooden blade before her.
This is a really trivial detail, mind you, but as far as I
can tell, the much more commonly used word (in Japan) is
"bokuto." I don't know why I mention this.
That is interesting. Cursed fanfic convention.
This comment confuses me slightly, as it seems to be a
sarcastic sort of remark: "At least you know how to hold on
to that thing without cutting your fingers off." If that's
true, then the otherwise dispassionate narrative doesn't
quite jive. On the other hand, if Motoko is just trying to
indirectly compliment Ranma, it seems awfully indirect. Why
not simply something like "I see you have some skill with
the sword"?
Hmm. What would you suggest for 'casual observation with no emphasis on
judgement'?
Ranma nodded, taking up a stance of his own across from her. "I've had
a bit of training," he said casually.
Perhaps "position" instead of "stance"? Mostly for variety.
Okay.
"I think I recognize the style," the kendoka said slowly, studying him.
"Are you ready?"
While this works just fine as is, I'm going to suggest,
"said slowly, studying the placement of his feet and the set
of his hips." Just because those are the sorts of things
that would distinguish one style from another.
You remind me why I prefer to make up things that no one but me could
possibly understand, rather than write for people who know more than I
could ever learn.
"Of course," he flippantly replied. "Let's see what I can teach you."
*cue porn music*
....
That fic was posted later.
By someone else.
The two fighters passed one another and reassumed their stances, each
facing away from the other.
The first paragraph makes it sound like the two had already
passed each other, and then they pass each other again in
the third one. Either that, or what you wanted in the first
paragraph was to show that they were at first going for a
block or something and then shifted their swords to cut
through at the other person. If that was the case, then
your "flying onwards" is attaching to the wrong referent,
and it needs more description.
Oh, and another nitpicky detail: there's no real point resuming
a stance if you're facing away from your opponent. If you
have the time to do that, you have the time to turn around,
too, which is probably a lot more useful, all things told.
Yeah, but they get away with this in manga and anime all the time, so I
thought I'd try, too. Ever wonder why swords in anime make noise when
they don't touch anything? You move a sword and it makes a clanking
noise, even if it's not touching anything at all. It's weird.
Both bore impassive expressions, the only
features to differentiate the scene from a samurai drama being Ranma's
casual jeans and T-shirt, and the bokken they bore in place of actual
blades.
Actually, a number of samurai movies featured dramatic fight
with bokuto -- "Seven Samurai," for one, and "Musashi."
Oh, hush, you.
I think "differentiate" is a bit dry. Maybe something like,
"Excepting Ranma's casual jeans and T-shirt, it was a
tableau taken straight from a samurai drama."
Okay.
"Well," Haruka mused quietly, watching the duelists on the island from
the safety of the riverbank. "That was unexpected."
I'm reminded that I like Haruka a lot.
Which island is this, anyways? For that matter, what river?
The same one that Motoko dueled Ranma on in chapter two. I think she
fought Keitaro there in volume 2 or 3 of the manga. It's just a small
island on the back of the property -- as far as I know, the river is
never named in the manga.
Motoko stared at the bokken in her hands, and then cocked her head to
one side, and turned to face Ranma, sprawled on the ground and unmoving.
"Oe-sensei?" she asked cautiously.
"Cocking her head" doesn't strike me as very Motokoesque
behaviour. Normally, she's rather formal, and she'd only do
that sort of thing when she's very surprised/flustered,
which is not the impression I'm getting from the rest of the text.
One narrowing of eyes to be subbed in.
He didn't respond, even when Suu bounced over the river surrounding the
miniature isle, and began shaking him. "I think you broke him," the
smaller girl surmised, frowning. She brightened a heartbeat later. "Now
I can take him apart and see how he worked!"
You don't need the comma after "isle."
When I was young I hit my head and slipped into a comma.
The effects are still with me.
"I ain't dead," Ranma pronounced, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and
sitting up, eyeing Suu suspiciously. She merely offered him an innocent
smile. Shaking his head, he turned back to Motoko. "I think I'm gettin'
the idea here, though," he said slowly, wincing as Suu prodded his side.
To me, "pronounced" implies a formal announcement. Is that
how Ranma's actually talking?
You tend to need to enunciate around mouthfuls of dirt. Though I could
just say that, I suppose.
"Yes, it hurts," he snapped, picking her up, and rising to his feet.
Motoko raised an eyebrow as the girl shifted her position to sit on his
shoulders and toy with his hair. "Um... anyway, it seems to me that you
know how to use a sword really well, but you don't know how to fight
without a weapon quite as well."
Again, the minor mechanics escape me. How did Ranma pick
Suu up? From context, it would seem likely he did so by her
shoulders, but it's hard to see how he could have done that
while sitting down -- and harder to see how he could have
then stood up. But if he picked her up in a cradling
position, why did he do that?
It's not really important. I'll just delete that paragraph and say she
jumps on him.
"And your own skills with a blade are less than remarkable," she
returned flatly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Is it so certain
that you should be training me after all?"
That's a pretty big leap. Ranma just threw out his back,
right? If Motoko didn't land a hit on him, she shouldn't be
this arrogant.
But she did land a hit on him. He didn't pull anything, that's just
what he said. I thought it was clear, but I can make it more obvious
that Suu was prodding the bruise.
Ranma bristled for a moment, and Suu's hair stood on end, as though she
had picked up a tremendous static charge. The girl looked at Ranma in
surprise, but he calmed, and her hair settled. "That's not the point.
The point is I'm supposed to help train you. I bet you could probably
beat anyone if you and the other person were using the same weapons."
Even Seta, or Tsuroko?
And you might want to stick to "swords." We have no
evidence, for example, that Motoko has any skill with a spear.
Actually, we do. The play arc.
But Ranma wouldn't know that.
So... changed!
He stared blankly, then turned his attention back to
Motoko.
Okay. To me, "staring blankly" implies confusion, and
there's really nothing in what Keitaro said to prompt that
reaction. Even more, though, why does Ranma just drop it?
Is he swallowing his frustration? Did he just shrug and
chalk it up as just one of those things? Is he pretending
nobody said anything?
I could make it staring hard, I suppose.
Ranma's left eyebrow ticked again, stopping only when Suu leaned over
him to examine his face closely, incidentally obscuring his view of
Motoko. When Ranma calmed, she offered an impish smile, and straightened
up. "Alright, I think a demonstration is in order, here. Kanrinin, would
you be willing to lend a hand?" he asked, turning to Keitaro.
This is more what I want. In this case and the first one,
you provide a good reason for Ranma to calm down. (Well,
when I say good... Suu? Calming people? I shudder. ;)
Well....
Ranma offered Keitaro a somewhat reassuring smile. "Trust me on this
one. There's a trick to it. The bokken is going to be on your left side,
and you'll draw it with your right arm, across your body. You start the
duel with your hand on the hilt. As soon as you hear me say 'begin', you
just draw it and bring it straight across your body as hard and fast as
you can, angled downwards. The tricky part is, at the same time, you
want to throw yourself to the ground on your left side. Your momentum
should carry you clear, and let you hit her once -- and that's all that
the match is to. You follow?"
It's very hard to angle a cut from out of a sheath
downwards. The mechanics of getting the sword out of the
sheath dictate that your hand has to be as far away from
your body as possible, which doesn't leave you any room to
go downwards. As well, if Keitaro angled his cut down *and*
dove for the ground, he'd hit the dirt.
I'd also suggest having Keitaro dive to his *right*, not to
his left. For one thing, that's a much more natural motion
when trying to draw a sword; the full extension needed to
get the sword out is hard to obtain if you're leaning into
the sword, and it also has the momentum of your body going
in the direction of the cut. As well, somewhat
counter-intuitively, it's safer to be moving *into* the cut
than away from it; Motoko would have time to change her
angle mid cut to follow Keitaro if he's moving in the same
direction of the cut, but she can't easily reverse the cut.
As well, if Keitaro were fast enough, he'd be able to dive
*under* her "scabbard" before she could get the sword out,
which would make it impossible for her to hit him.
I think about this sort of thing too much.
I know you do.
But then, you actually do it, so it makes sense.
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."
I'm learning more every day.
Sighing, Keitaro nodded, taking the cloth strap and putting it over his
shoulder. "I get the feeling I should start praying now," he muttered,
shaking his head.
Why a strap that goes over his shoulder? A sheathed katana
is just stuck through a belt.
Then I guess they should have belts.
"A demonstration," he replied, explaining the rules again for her
benefit quickly.
I'd drop the "again"; it suggests that he's explained it to
her once already. I'd also suggest puttign "quickly" before
"explaining," as it sounds more natural to me.
Alrighty.
Once he had done so, Motoko nodded, taking up a stance within Keitaro's
reach, and sheathed her bokken in a loop of cloth at her side. Keitaro
swallowed, and put a hand on the hilt of his bokken, closing his eyes,
and waiting.
Again, the normal way to simulate sheating a sword with a
bokuto is to simply shove it through the ties of the hakama
(or the obi under the hakama, if you're wearing one).
Okay.
Motoko frowned, and both waited until Ranma's signal to move. Both
combatants shot into motion the second that Ranma barked, "Begin!"
Motoko swiftly drew her sword, launching a blindingly fast slash across
Keitaro's midsection -- but the young man wasn't there to receive it.
The second she began to move, he'd already begun throwing himself to the
ground, away from the stroke, drawing his wooden blade and swinging it
in a motion too fast to be clumsy. The strike drove into Motoko's leg,
unbalancing her, and throwing her to the ground, stunned.
I'd suggest "just below her kneecap," or something a little
more precise.
Right, right.
"You underestimated him, and left yourself open. If this were real
swordplay, Keitaro would have taken your legs off just above the knees,
Motoko," Ranma explained. "Not because he's skilled, but because he's
doing something you don't expect. That's what I think I need to teach
you. How to deal with the unexpected."
Suggest dropping the "I think". Ranma is pretty confident
at this point.
Oh yeah....
The kendoka sighed, nodding, and offered Keitaro a hand up. He accepted
it hesitantly, climbing to his feet, and glanced at Ranma uncertainly.
"That makes sense, I guess," he said slowly.
Why is Keitaro speaking up here? The conversation doesn't
really involve him directly, and he's not showing the
exuberant enthusiasm you'd expect if he was just so
interested he had to break into the discussion.
Eh... I dunno. I think Keitaro read Motoko's line.
"It'd be a great idea," Ranma assured him. "You picked up what I told
you to better than I thought you would -- I thought you'd just hit her
at the same time she hit you -- and learning has other benefits, too.
It'll improve your balance, your physical conditioning, and your
coordination."
I'd suggest dropping the "too" -- the first point Ranma made
isn't a benefit, it's just proof that Keitaro might have
some natural aptitude.
Okay.
"And detract from his excuses to 'accidentally' be a pervert," Naru
teased from the sidelines.
Heh. This is a bit formal, though. Why not something like,
"Which means he won't have an excuse for 'accidentally'
being a pervert!"
That's formal? Not how I was raised, but if it bothers you I can fix it.
Glancing behind him, to where Mitsune had raised a speculative eyebrow,
and Shinobu had finally stopped covering her eyes, Ranma said, "Okay,
how about this, then, Narusegawa-san -- I want you to knock me down."
I'd suggest, "Mitsune was raising a speculative eyebrow" --
as written, it seems a little passive to me.
Passive? Okay.
Why is Ranma being so pushy about this, anyways? His major
focus is on teaching Motoko, Keitaro has already
volunteered to train up to be another sparring partner, and
Ranma plans to leave within three months anyways, which
isn't all that much time to train someone. Why is he so
intent on pressing Naru to train?
He's caught up in the moment, much like Kintaro can be -- he's picked
up the mannerism, and he's already explained that he's planning on at
the very least staying in the same area. He does, after all, still need
to go to the same testing center. And training with the residents of the
inn makes it possible that he can study with them, etc.
He's going to put them through the 35 lessons that the Great Panda put
Sassi through. PHEAR!
"There's more to defending yourself than just knowing how to throw a
punch," Ranma replied, releasing her hand, and turning to look at Mitsune.
Dumping someone on their rear and then turning to look at
someone else seems a bit cold. He should really, at the
least, check to make sure she's all right.
He's just that good!
Fine, fine....
Motoko was there, as expected, along with both Keitaro and Mitsune.
Narusegawa had passed on the opportunity to learn, as she already knew
what she had needed, but Shinobu and Suu had both elected to see what
they could learn. Keitaro could only guess at the other's reasons --
Mitsune liked the idea of being able to stay in shape, and probably just
to ogle Ranma, from what he could guess. Suu liked being near Motoko, or
Ranma, and this was what both of them were doing, so it seemed to make a
certain amount of sense. He wasn't certain what prompted Shinobu to
join, but hoped it wouldn't be too much for her.
Confusing P.O.V shift. First paragraph implies this is
going to be from Ranma's viewpoint, but the second sounds
like it's from Keitaro's.
I hate that.
I suppose I could just move the first paragraph down.
She and Suu were both dressed in their school physical education
uniforms, while Mitsune wore track pants and a T-shirt. Motoko was
dressed in her standard garb, as was Ranma, while Keitaro was wearing an
older pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
This paragraph has an obligatory sort of feel to it, out
alone by itself. I'd suggest including these details in the
previous paragraph: "Motoko was there in her usual garb.
Just as expected, Keitaro and Mitsune were there, too, both
in T-shirts...." etc.
Right, right.
Ranma bowed to his class, and they bowed back to him. "Okay, for some
of you, this may be old news, and for some of you, this may be new...
but the first part of your lessons is going to be how to fall right."
Motoko nodded dubiously at that. "Some of you look like you already know
the basic idea, but learning how to fall correctly can save you from
being hurt in an accident, or how to save yourself some damage when you
get knocked down in combat."
Why is Motoko nodding dubiously? She should know this. If
she's nodding because she thinks she knows that already,
then it's not clear.
I really can't afford to just let myself pick descriptors that 'feel'
right at the moment.
And so the lessons began....
It's a little trite, but I'd suggest ending off with a
sentence fragment from Ranma: "So, to start, kneel down and
put your arms like this...." The sentence you have strikes
me as a bit overdramatic.
Some day I will manage to write an entire paragraph that doesn't offend
you. Until that day I stive to improve.
Mitsune reminded him -- in many ways -- of Nabiki, but at the same,
seemed less mercenary... and sometimes more devious. The manager of the
inn was easy to get along with, and showed a surprising aptitude to
learn martial arts. Enough so that Ranma had asked if he'd had formal
training before. Keitaro explained that he hadn't, but the things that
had happened at the inn before he began training probably already honed
his reflexes. Not sure what else to teach, Ranma had begun demonstrating
Tai Chi to him.
Is the explanation for Keitaro's abilities Ranma's or
Keitaro's? If it's Keitaro's, it's awfully insightful for
him; if it's Ranma's, that needs to be made more clear.
Uh.... What? I'm afraid I can't quite follow that. ^_^;;
I'm just going to say, right here, that I don't understand
why Ranma isn't teaching all of them Anything Goes (or his
own derivative thereof), and let it go at that.
Well, the Oe school isn't a martial art as much as a philosphy of how
to use....
... you know what? You know more about martial arts than I do, so I
can't actualy explain it. I just made it up because it felt right.
I'll need to rewrite it -- hopefully a minor change, all told.
So now he's teaching them the Oe school. Sorry about that.
This changes this chapter, and a few spots in later chapters
substantially. I'll need to hold of on replying to the rest of your C&C
(or anyone else's) until I can rewrite them.
Thanks for taking the time to send me your comments!