On Fri, 28 Feb 2003, Neplusultra wrote:
including a fair amount of the cast. If you liked (and remember) Ta'veren
1 / 2, I think you'll enjoy this. Or so I delude myself.
Ya know, to tell the truth, I was just rereading it the other day. You
know, after
you sent out Parallel Lives 15 ... and rather hoping you'd folks would write
more of Ta'veren 1/2. Really, to be perfectly honest, I've allways liked T1/2
more ya know.
Fair enough :)
Now if you'd only actually write more of Children of Summer I'd really be
happy ^_^
Heh.
Anyway, mostly just comments. Never been all that hot at spotting the grammar
mistakes myeslf.
****
Prologue:
Roninmount
****
Well, that was pretty much identical. Well, I mean yea, it's been
rewritten, but
overall the whole feel of the prologue is the same. Of course, since it's
also pretty
much the same feel as the prologue for the whole WoT series, that's likely
a good
thing eh.
Chapter one is not very different. Later chapters are more so.
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories
that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten
when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third
Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a young man was getting
a beating. It was not his first beating. It would not be his last. The
beating was not a beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to
the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.
Oh that's funny. Though, do you really think Ukyou fits for her, rather than
say Akane(who does have the whole periodic violent reaction thing going).
Of course, I also say this 'cause I don't really see Akane filling the Min
role.
Trying to find someone who is an utterly perfect match is generally
impossible. I chose Ukyou for the revision because Ukyou fills the
'childhood friend' aspect of the Egwene role. And because Ukyou works in
a restaurant which is close enough to inn ownership.
Also, Akane is going to be Faile, who I think Akane matches very well.
Though, I do have to applaud you for not picking a single one of Ranma's
fiancees to hook him up with. Especially since they'd more or less fit
in the respective roles with only minor troubles. If you don't mind my
asking, why did you do it?
In the original Ta'veren 1/2 plans, Akane = Elayne, Ukyou = Min, Shampoo =
Aviendha. When I did the revision, I decided to change a lot of the cast,
and I found better roles, IMO, for various folk.
"Because I expect you to know better! We all know what Kurz is
like, and Ryouga just follows you two around like he was someone's pet...
Kurz ... what anime is he from? I don't seem to be able to place the name.
Kurz is one of the leads from Full Metal Panic. The rest of the cast of
FMP will be showing up in various capacities as well.
Incidentally, it might be a good idea for you to place what anime you're
getting
the characters from on the cast listing you have. Especially since there are
I should. I'm just lazy. ^^;;;
plenty of names that occur in Anime over and over. Like Akane ... while I
assume
you're using the Akane from Ranma, the name does appear in a few other anime.
Yes.
Hinako said, "Threaten me, will you?" Her squeaky voice was full
of anger. She pulled out a small silver piece with a hole poked through
the middle. "Wisdom Delinquent Punishing Attack!" She traced a circle in
the air with it...Energy crackled and was sucked out of Kurz, through the
circle, and into Hinako...who began to grow. As Kurz collapsed, she grew
to her full height of nearly six feet, aging and developing to fill out
and fit her dress. Soon, she stood before him in all her glory.
Ya know ... this makes me wonder. That attack was a channeling 'spell' right?
But don't most people start being able to channel when they're older, later
teens
and 20s? So does that mean that with repeated use of the attack their younger
form starts getting younger since I guess they're draining the vitality of
folks, or
is she just some kind of weird freak who started channeling at around 10 or so?
Sorry 'bout that ... just something that kinda bothered me a bit.
Okay, to get into the metaphysics of Hinako:
Normal channelers begin to 'slow' as they channel, so that their real age
and physical ages increasingly diverge and they continue to look youthful
for decades after a normal person would be dead.
Hinako has a rare condition where she 'slowed' from birth. The result of
this is that Hinako normally looks 10 when she's actually 26. When she is
a ten year old, she can't channel except to use her life-force draining
trick. This ages her up to age 26, where she can then channel normally,
to the limit of her understanding of how to channel. However, this
gradually drains off her 'charge', eventually sending her back to her
youthful form. This is her 'wilder block'.
For a moment, the world was still, then Ranma heard a flat,
emotionless, almost metallic voice. "D'oh." Ranma peeked out. The man
had ridden into a branch and fallen off his horse. The man staggered to
his feet. The horse whinneyed and took off running. The man took off
running after it. The horse turned and bolted into the woods. The man
followed. Ranma paused as the sound of repeated thwacks as the man ran
through branches without pausing or dodging gradually faded away into the
distance. Thwack. "D'oh." Thwack. "D'oh." Thwack. "D'oh." Silence
for a time. Then suddenly, Thwack. "D'oh." Thwack. "D'oh." Thwack.
"D'oh." The thwacks and d'ohs came in pulses..gradually fading into the
distance. Ranma shivered.
Being one to play a fair amount of online games, I've always rather liked
the Lagmen. Glad you didn't change them.
heh :)
A little while later, Ranma rode into town with his father, Genma.
Genma was huge in contrast to his son. Most of his bulk was muscle,
I've always rather wondered if Genma wasn't similar to say ... The Kingpin.
I mean there's no way someone who gets that much exercise could really
be fat <shrug>.
Yep. He's like a sumo, who may look flabby, but will beat you to death
very easily.
Five red and blue balls flicked out of the gleeman's sleeves, and he
began to juggle as he talked. "Sorry to make fun of you, lad. Forgive a
gleeman for having a little fun. My name is Basara. I know you must be
Kurz Cauthon. And your friends?"
Another name I don't seem to recognize. Of course, I've never actually
seen Lupin. Though it has to be better than Mousse. Never understood
why you folks did that one. (Ohhh ... he is Lupin ... silly me)
In T 1/2, Mousse got to be Thom because Mousse
1. Needed a role
2. Could do a lot of Thom's tricks (acrobatics, knife-throwing,
concealing items on his body, juggling, etc)
Basara is Lupin III in disguise. (Lupin Farstealer is Lupin I, grandpa of
Lupin III). The character 'Basara' is derived from Macross 7; he's a
rockstar who pilots a mech by singing (no, really. Macross 7 is like a
mech show written by a stoned sixties rock band). This is Lupin III
disguised as Basara.
Ranma tried to clean out his ears, hoping that he had misunderstood.
But as usual, Genma was too busy babbling words of Wisdom to repeat
himself. Ukyou clung to Ranma as he tried to get out the door. "Ukyou.
I have to go."
Um, why did you capitalize wisdom? Of course, this might be yet another
example of why I don't offer grammar advice.
This is a result of me messing up during a search and replace to make sure
the job title 'Wisdom' gets capitalized everywhere
head. He heard more footsteps outside. He bent over and grabbed the
sword. It had blood on the blade, which was made of some black metal. A
heron was stamped into the metal on each side. The hilt was white and
Bah, better than a panda mark blade. Sheesh, the things people think of :p
AAAAH.
Ranma shuddered. "I...am most definitely not okay." She spurred
Lugosi forward into the light Everyone stared. Ryouga's jaw dropped.
Ukyou started. Basara rubbed his eyes, removed his glasses, cleaned them,
took a second look and tried cleaning them again.
Hey ... wait a second. Wasn't one of the horses names in the original
WoT Bella? That would make what ... Bella Lugosi? Ya know ... if I'm
just now getting it I'll feel very silly.
Yep, this was a subtle joke.
Ok, I just noticed that you have eight chapters on your page. Off to go
read them. Well, one parting comment. I noticed that in some areas
you used ******* to mark a scene shift, and then in most places you
didn't. Why?
a ****** usually marks a fairly radical scene transition instead of one
which is 'panned' through.
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