Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Sat, 15 Mar 2003 23:46:49 -0500 DB Sommer <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Yep. We're doing this one again, and like so many things, this chapter grew
on me. One day I shall learn to write shorter chapters
Maybe, but I have no complaints about the chapter lengths. I doubt
the events you needed to cover would fit into 15K.
{Emerging from the rear door of her home, :} Kachiko Tendou had a noticeable
spring in her step as she hummed to herself and entered the backyard. The
day was exceptionally bright and sunny, with hardly a cloud in the sky. It
was perfect weather for engaging in an activity she had never been permitted
to do by her parents: Sunbathing. The conservative couple had been adamant
about the improprieties of showing so much skin, and held the opinion men
wanted women to look like pale ghosts. Of course, they also held the opinion
women should be meek little mice that should be seen and not heard, and
whose sole dual purposes were taking care of their husbands and ushering in
the next generation of children. No other extraneous thoughts need enter a
woman's head. Such a lifestyle might have suited her mother, but not Kachiko
Tendou. She was destined for better, and infinitely more interesting,
things. On the sly she had managed {to work :} a decent tan the few times she
went on trips to the seashore with Sakura, but those had been far in the
past (really far in the past, once Kachiko thought about it), and taking one
look into the mirror made the time-lost girl grimace in distaste. Steps had
to be taken immediately to rectify the problem.
That middle sentence makes me wonder a bit about what kind of
hellraiser Kachiko's mother was when she was young.
Originally, Kachiko had planned {on borrowing : to borrow} something from Akane, but the
few swimsuits Akane owned had way too much material. The girl didn't own a
single two piece. That meant heading to the local shopping mall to pick up
some suitable swimwear. The trip had been most enlightening. Times had
changed, as evidenced by the fact that what Kachiko had assumed {was : were} material
{to make : samples for} bikinis, turned out to be bikinis themselves. The items were so
small they practically weren't there, which made them perfect.
Kachiko refrained from buying what was termed a thong. It wasn't that she
considered it too revealing, just that her attempt to wear one proved that
walking around with a string running in between her buttocks was a decidedly
uncomfortable experience. So she settled on something small, that bordered
on scandalous, if not a touch on the other side.
It still bordered on scandalous, just from the other side.
Nabiki smiled evilly at Kachiko, whose entire body jerked as the first
chorus ended. Some of Nabiki's amusement disappeared when she heard the
muscles in Kachiko's neck, tensed beyond all measure, actually {groaned : groan} in
protest as her head slowly, inexorably turned in Nabiki's direction. Further
amusement died as she saw the rictus smile plastered across Kachiko's
features, and the fact her eyes were now shot through with red, almost to
the point where it was painful to look upon.
Her eyes finally having a chance to adjust to the light, Kachiko saw that
the figure whom she had assumed to be Ranma was nothing of the kind. It was
somebody Ranma's age, with approximately the same color hair, height, and
weight, which explained {the : her} confusion. The most notable thing about him was
the yellow bandanna with black stripes wrapped around his forehead.
Currently he was unconscious, a huge gout of blood trickling from his nose,
that was the source of the wet substance Kachiko had felt on her stomach.
I guess it's fortunate there isn't much material in her bikini or he
might have gotten some blood on it.
"Ahh! This isn't Ranma! It's some pervert!" She dropped the boy she had been
supporting like a rock, allowing his head to thump loudly to the ground.
Yeah! The nerve of him letting her pull his face into her
really-not-small chest. Why was she supporting him like a rock? :}b
Sensing blood in the water, Kachiko pressed forward. "But how many of them
have gone out with you more than once? I bet you hit them up for every {cent : yen}
you can milk out of them and don't give anything in return, other than a
cold shoulder."
"At least I don't hit on engaged men or deluded jerks!" Nabiki shot back.
Kachiko snorted. "Ranma obviously isn't comfortable with this whole
engagement thing or he wouldn't have agreed to postponing it so quickly. And
if you don't appreciate a guy like Tachi-chan, then you're an even greater
lost cause than I thought."
I didn't think she considered Tachi-chan to be deluded or a jerk.
Kachiko grabbed him by the back of his shirt and heaved him into the koi
pond, his wincing form making a loud splash. She said to the pond. "That's
what you get for trying to ambush up my Ranma." She slapped her hands
together, and gave a satisfied grin to Nabiki. "That takes care of that."
Ahhh. Not exactly...
"I might be able to answer that," Nabiki said, producing a small poster,
about the same size as {the ones} the CLAP hung everywhere to identify 'perverts'.
"Pantyhose dropped it when Kachi tossed him into the pond." She handed it to
Ranma.
Ranma did so. "Third Prize is a slap to the face. Second Prize is a month's
supply of Rice O'Roni. First Prize is... a ring that can control curses?!"
Now I'll have to see who takes third.
"They are when there's five hundred of them and you've had a barrel full of
carrot-scented perfume dumped on you," Kachiko assured her.
Usagi-ken anyone?
Kasumi looked at her mother askance, "Actually, that's exactly what you told
Akane and me. I was a little sad. Akane cheered."
"I absolutely hated that dog," Akane confirmed.
Nice slice of the old Tendo family life.
"Yeah, but it was no problem. It's not like he was dangerous or anything,"
Kachiko said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "The smaller flames I could
just dodge {out of the way :: out of the way of}. For the really big blasts he tossed around, well,
it's like when you're training by the ocean. You don't try to stop a whole
wave, you ride it out to avoid harm. So I used the same technique that lets
you walk across hot coals without getting burned, amplified about a hundred
times, and rode out the blasts the way you would surfing waves. I mean 'Mr.
Bird God' was seriously a one-trick pony with fire being the only thing he
could do. Okay, his whole regeneration thing was a bit tricky, but I would
have eventually figured a way around it and kicked his ass good and proper,
but it turned out I didn't have to. Wakaba helped me out by giving me a
chance to trick him into dive bombing into a vat full of liquid nitrogen."