Grammar issues: quotation marks and commas. You close off the dialogue
with a quotation mark sometimes before people are actually done
speaking, or insert extra quotation marks. You also comma splice a
fair amount, or omit needed commas. I was going through and marking
them, but then realized I didn't have time tonight to complete it; so
instead, I'd just suggest going back and watching out for them.
I've got some more comments inline, and then a bit about the actual
story structure following.
Richard Robinson <RICHARDROBINSON@prodigy.net> writes:
"Hey Nabiki" I need to have completely private discussion
with you and Kasumi. can you arrange it tonight? asked
Ranma.
The closing quotation mark is too early.
Nabiki's eye brows shot up, Ranma asking for privacy, WITH
HER and Her BIG SISTER?
" Uhh, yeah about an hour after school, are you sure you
don't want Akane too?
"I will tell her later, I need to get some matters
discussed with the two of you. Some of them are very private
family matters, both your family and mine. Others are some
background material you'll need. I need a MAJOR MAJOR
decision, made and it involves your family and only you two
No comma after decision. There's grammar problems here, but it's
Ranma's dialogue, so that might be ok.
can make it."
"All of the others, including your Dad will probably try to
prevent the decision being made, what ever the cost.
Akane, well Akane may care for me and she is a helpful
partner but she almost always fails to trust me in the
beginning of something new. Though once she has thought it
through she most often comes to believe in me.
Pops and Mom, well neither understands me. Pops always goes
with his stomach Mom, with what is usual and common, at
least in her opinion. She almost never goes with something
new, no matter how good, it might be.
Cologne, might decide to let us do it, realizing she will
gain some of her goals eventually but Shampoo will try to
stop us at any cost, because this could help you Tendo's to
get along with me better."
"Ukyo would help but her turn wouldn't come for a month and
I don't want to raise her hopes until it is her time."
The infodump stuck in my throat going down; it's big, and seems a bit
out of place. Ranma's asked Kasumi and Nabiki to talk with him about
a decision; so why's he going on about Cologne, Shampoo, and Ukyo?
Without laying some groundwork for why it'd impact the others, it
comes across as tangled.
"Ranma, how urgent and how important is this decision?"
"Life or Death for at least one member of your family"
Life or death
[...]
"Ranma, I had the most peculiar nightmare, you wanted to
know if I wanted Mother to be alive or not." Kasumi shivered
with fear, while she loudly whispered this.
Why is this a nightmare?
"Ranma, what do mean by that." Nabiki looked almost as pale
as Kasumi, as she blasted away at Ranma.
"I mean I can restore your mother from a few minutes before
she died to the present, without altering the past."
NABIKI: Ranma, you jerk! Our mother died a horrible, lingering death;
if you bring her back a few minutes before she died, we'll just get to
see her die all over again!
"let me give you the background, while you adjust to idea of
your mother not dying."
"Do you remember the indian girl with the red and white
hair, who challenged me about ten days ago?"
The one who wasn't a fiancee or after revenge? answered
Kasumi.
And that doesn't strike me as tremendously believable dialogue. Ranma
might say it, but presumably Kasumi isn't so dull that she'd forget a
challenger with red and white hair in just over a week. And since
everybody in the room presumably knows the challenger wasn't a fiancee
or after revenge, it's an "As you know, Bob," style info-dump.
[...]
Well after the fight, we talked for hours, I took to Ucchans
and we talked with her for hours. the three of us went to
the Nekohanten and talked with Cologne and Ryoga for hours.
We finally stayed at the Nekohanten overnight. It was one of
the best times of my life. She acted as a sort of buffer
between everyone and we just talked martial arts and
philosophy and things we had seen in the world, and out of
it. We talked about natural phenomena and supernatural
things. I haven't talked like that since Genma destroyed
part of my brain.
Genma, not Pops?
"Uhh Genma destroyed part of your brain?" stuttered both
girls together.
Genma, not Mr./Uncle Saotome?
"Yeah I'll get back to that later, but that is a big part
of why my speech is so rough."
"Anyway, I think we all came away feeling much better than
before, I know Ryoga and I did.
anyhow, we were leaving the restaurant at the end of the
day. Shampoo and Mousse were as usual mad at me, after
spending a night in their cages.
Uhm, because they spent the night, Cologne caged Mousse and Shampoo to
give their rooms to guests? That seems an oddly subtle way of
encouraging her future son-in-law and protege to get married.... Why
would Shampoo be caged?
Ucchan was to happy to be
upset, she like me enjoyed the uninterrupted discussions.
Ryoga had gotten most of his problems off his chest, talking
about them with people who could understand and sympathize
with him. Cologne and I had learned several new aspects to
Ki use and magic and Ki relationships. Not to mention we got
to talk to each other without the usual problems showing
up."
Yep, Cologne and Ranma... truly a match made in heaven.
She is considering getting me out of the current setup with
Shampoo, after I mentioned Genma teaching me Touched Soul. I
also explained the events that happened on the way back from
Phoenix mountain. I saw someone dressed like a priest
forcing a kid to learn Touched Soul. I also saw a demon and
god fighting in the sky. I was later told that that was a
favorite spot for such fights, safe and convenient and
mostly out of the way. Anyhow I attacked the imitation
priest, booting him in the head, then grabbed the child and
ran him off about a quarter of a mile. then I returned to
the would be teacher and started attacking him while
screaming at the top of lungs about never forcing someone to
learn Touched Soul. The god and demon heard me and came down
and asked the idiot if he was actually teaching that
technique. He replied yes. So the god broke his neck and the
demon took him to hell. That technique is forbidden by both
sides and by the mortals on Earth.
What about the others who were at Phoenix Mountain; where are they?
The god and demon seem pretty dull, for immortal embodiments of power.
(And what does it mean, it's forbidden by mortals on Earth? There's no
one true Emperor that all mankind acknowledges, so who did the
forbidding?)
[...]
They ran a complete check of me, mind, body, soul and
spirit. They removed several curses, although neither of
them could affect the Jhusenkyo one. They also did a fair
amount of physical healing. However they said certain parts
of my brain were destroyed and couldn't be repaired. My
speech will always be rough, although I can remember the way
I spoke as a child, it gives me a most horrible headache
after about fifteen minutes. I was very advanced in my
schooling before I was dragged on the training trip. IN fact
I was doing some college work, which is why I find Furinkan
so very boring.
Ironically I am literally not a pervert, all of the perverts
I know have a very aggressive attitude about their approach
to sex. The part of my brain that controls sexual aggression
is missing. Apparently Genma destroyed it at some point in
the trip. I can enjoy sex but I will never initiate it. The
god got a friend to do a sort of by pass on it. I can and
will initiate Love making but I have to truly love the girl
to do so....
Well, the label 'pervert' is somewhat a cultural artifact, but
ignoring that, that's a really biased sample Ranma's drawing
conclusions from. The perverts he knows are sexually aggressive. How
does he know that they're perverts? Probably because
they're... sexually aggressive. :-)
So this is more infodumping, and getting away from the reason for the
meeting. Ranma doesn't seem to be a particularly organized speaker.
"To explain how this mirror works, you must first understand
the theory of alternate worlds."
"That is that when a decision is made of sufficient
importance, two or more worlds are formed one for each way
the results of the decision can go. Thus there is world
where the first Gojira movie was never made, where they made
it with different actors, where it was a manga first, then
done in anime etc. etc. etc...."
"Well the mirror forms a Small world, just large enough to
contain one or two people, time passes very slowly in such a
world. You can then enter that world and remove the person
inside, bringing them to the present.
What person inside? How is this connected to alternate worlds? (If
there is an alternate world where Mrs. Tendo didn't die, and she's
kidnapped and brought into the mirror world, won't eventually
alternate Ranma and the alternate Tendos show up, armed for bear?)
[...]
" So IF you decide to try this!"
" Then I will do it tomorrow night at Ten P.M.."
"Now you two must talk and decide should she be restored. I
mean I don't know anything about your mother. "
Amazing how unfair he's being to Akane and Soun. And what is he going
to do if, say, Kasumi wants her mother back, and Nabiki doesn't?
"The Kuno family is better off without their mother, she
abused the children until they became insane."
How does Ranma know this?
" Ukyo's mom was the only nice person in her family. I
definitely intend to restore her next month. Her dad became
very abusive after her mom died.
Why is Ranma telling them this?
"Would you like to have some private time to discuss this?"
" Do you have any questions not involving how the mirror
works?"
Why isn't Ranma willing to let them know how the mirror works?
[...]
My overall comments: you've got at least two potential stories in here
bursting to get out. One is Ranma's background with the Touched Soul,
brain damage, and so on. The other is Ranma restoring various people
to life. Right now it doesn't feel like neither is getting fleshed out
in quite the way it needs. I'd suggest splitting this part into at
multiple scenes, one where Ranma confronts the demon, god, priest, and
Touched Soul victim, and gets his spiritual examination. (dare I say,
his spiritual physical? No, I didn't think so),and then a separate one
(or more) in the mirror substory.
I'd suggest changing to use flashbacks rather than hearsay when
describing these scenes. That helps avoid the info-dumping, and lets
you liven up the story.
Characterization-wise, I'd tone down Ranma a bit if I were you. You
have him doing college work when he's pre-pubescent, he's physically
incapable of being unfaithful to the one he loves, in the course of a
conversation with Cologne he helps expand her ki knowledge, he's
consorts with demons and gods, he's able to resurrect the
dead... shiny-white auras of godliness may make for good night lights,
but they tend to make a story boring. Additionally, right now, he's
prone to info-dumping. I'd revisit the dialogue.