----- Original Message -----
From: "Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Sunday, June 08, 2003 8:36 PM
Subject: [FFML] [FF6 Fic][In Game, Alternate POV] Beyond Pain (Part 1/2)

------------------------------------------------------
Title: Beyond Pain
Game/Anime: Final Fantasy 3/6, by Squaresoft
Author: Denise Cameron aka Elena99
------------------------------------------------------

First, the bad news (don't worry, there's good stuff later to make up for
how harsh I may be):

This piece was somewhat difficult to follow.  The stream of consciousness
for Taepen was a bit contrived (i.e. as a reader, I need a bit of convincing
that any man in pain and distress would spend more than two seconds thinking
in complete sentences about the handwriting on a sign), as was the dialogue
in Chapter Three.  The break from the castle was absolutely lacking
credibility.  Even if it were in a civilian hospital, no man simply walks
out without being noticed, let alone questioned or suspected.  There was at
least an attack dog at the camp.

Candra is a puzzle to me.  First she chastises Taepen for his act, then she
puts herself in harm's way, and that in itself is not unbelievable, but that
she does it so easily and effortlessly is.  I am not even sure what he was
doing at the camp, though I can hazard a guess that it was something
rebellious, and perhaps that's all I need to know.

And grammatical errors and fragments.  There are a few, but none worth
tearing apart without giving a chance to fix it.

That said... (as promised, the good stuff)

I kept with it through the end of three chapters, because it was intriguing.
There is an honest struggle here, and has been portrayed well so far.  The
progression of the storyline is well-thought out, no part is rushed.  In
general, the first three chapters show a lot of promise for the final five.
I wouldn't mind going through a revised draft because, again, I was not put
off by what I perceived were flaws.  I suspect - and I hope - that Taepen's
story ultimately (and guess what, the second half of this story just went
into my inbox - I'm going to have to read it later *g*) ties into the main
characters in FF6.

As I said, I'm eager to read the rest of the story later on. :)

Roehl Sybing - (917) 741-5355
infiniteDeferral - http://www.infinitedeferral.com/

"On the edge of oblivion, all the world is Babylon"
 - Wang Chung, Everybody Have Fun Tonight


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'