Getting back to this series.... As always, everything herein represents
the opinion of one reader only. This includes the quips. :)

"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

"No one's come for a while. Maybe we should advertise? I could go
outside, and see if I could attract customers." Offered Konatsu. He

customers," offered

"Do you want me to get anything for you, then? Is there anything I can
do?" he asked. This time Ukyo did turn around to look at her waiter.
In his eyes, there was a look of devotion, and mild sadness at seeing
her upset. Ukyo had no idea what she could say to him, though. She
didn't want to explain that she was upset over Ranma. It had occured

occurred

to her, after her visit from Ryoga, that Ranma would no doubt pay her
a visit soon. Despite that she was above such a term as suitor, that
Ryoga had said, she was a fiancee, and Akane would no doubt force

Wording is a bit awkward here.

"No, I'm fine," she replied, turning back to her door. The black
haired man gave up, and sat down on a nearby chair.

black-haired

(look for this sort of thing elsewhere)

_Maybe I should talk to Konatsu, soon...but what if...Arg, I hate this!_
There was an added confusion to the situation. Konatsu's personality,
often feminine as was his general appareance, often made the man hard

appearance

As though sensing Ukyo's thoughts, she heard Konatsu get up and leave
the room. Ukyo frowned, but said nothing. She knew she was unpleasant

This makes it sound as though she were the one who sensed (her own)
thoughts. Suggest:

As though sensing Ukyo's thoughts, Konatsu got up and left the room.

(or)

She heard Konatsu get up and leave the room, as though he had sensed
Ukyo's thoughts.

"I lived most of my life as a boy...so why can't I figure out the ones
around me?" she said to the empty room. Finding the silence annoying,

ROOM: Answer unclear; ask again later.

"Just so you know, if some dark stranger asks me
I might go...and so...don't blame me
when you're lonely. We're sailing out
to see the ship and me!" 
-- "Red Shoe Sunday", Ranma 1/2

RANMA: How can they be sailing out to see the ship and the singer? Don't
they *already* see the singer, since she's part of "we"? And can't they
already see the ship while it's still in port?

AKANE: Ask the dubbers.

Akane continued eating her ice cream, trying not to watch the mess her
fiance was making. It wasn't really that much of a mess, but something
about it was just too unladylike. It didn't matter that the red haired
girl was really black haired Ranma, and most certainly a male. Right

AKANE: It doesn't even bother me that nobody ever notices the hair
colors, to the point where (female) Ranma can put on a pair of glasses
or turn his back and have nobody recognize him, even though nobody else
in the anime is drawn with the color that he is. Nor does it bother me
that all of us are drawn with these enormously huge eyeballs, in the
anime *and* manga, and no fanfic authors insist on taking *those* at
face value. Furthermore... um, I'm not at all sure what my ultimate
point was going to be here.

RANMA: Pass the chocolate sauce.

now, Ranma was female; most likely, the people around her assumed she
was a she. It was beyond Akane why she didn't get that.

RANMA: I do get it. I just don't care. Whether my body knows it or not,
I'm a guy. It's beyond me why people don't get THAT.

AKANE: Stop listening to my internal narration.

On the next street over, they came to a small clothing store that
Akane liked, and she tugged Ranma easily into it. While Akane browsed
through the clothing, Ranma seemed more reluctant, preferring to keep
to one side or answer her if Akane asked what she thought of
something. Seeing a blue and grey outfit that she liked, Akane went

gray

(If this is another US/UK spelling difference, then never mind.)

>From the opening sea of people, a small, black piglet flew out, a
yellow and black bandanna around it's neck. Akane immediately relaxed,

its

(look for this elsewhere)

recognizing it as P-chan. Although he often dissapeared, he had been

disappeared,

"Do whatcha want. But I don't think he wants company right now," said
Ranma. Looking sour, Akane shook her head, but realized that Ranma was
right. P-chan had not responded to her at all the way he usually did;
could it have been a different pig? But he wore P-chan's bandanna.

Suggest "collar" or something like that instead of "bandanna." Calling
it the latter is using the Ryoga connection which Akane doesn't know
about.

_Maybe I should go with her. If I can keep her from catching up, maybe
stupid Ryoga will learn to lay low while in pig form for a while_, she

to lie low
("lay" is either the past tense, or when you do it to something else,
e.g. eggs, bricks)

Not too much to comment on in this section as far as story. Ryoga's
current troubles promise to be quite interesting, but we're not really
there yet. Onto the next one....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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