"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

"Yeah, Konatsu, she just wants to sleep, don't bug her. Just keep an
eye on the restaurant, maybe check on her later," said Ranma, as he
and Akane stood in the doorway, ready to leave. Konatsu was such an
easy-going person, lately. All Ranma had to do was give a command, and
he did it without a second thought.

RANMA: Isn't he always like that?

AKANE: Don't be mean!

KONATSU: No, he's right.

His lack of arguments was so
refreshing, Akane almost felt sorry for him. That, paired with the
astronomically low salary she knew Ukyo was giving him, made her
wonder how he even managed to exist with an ounce of self-respect. But
that wasn't her business, and her and Ranma had to be off. She looked

she and Ranma
(If the "and Ranma" weren't there, you wouldn't say "her had to...")

"Don't worry about your boss, she'll be happiest if her restaurant is
taken care of. Thank you for having us," Akane said sweetly.

Just as a stylistic point, I've noticed that you almost always seem to
put dialog attributions at the end of the dialog. You might want to put
some of them in the middle instead.

"Don't worry about your boss, she'll be happiest if her restaurant is
taken care of," Akane said sweetly. "Thank you for having us."

(or)

"Don't worry about your boss," Akane said sweetly, "she'll be happiest
if her restaurant is taken care of. Thank you for having us."

Not only does this give you a little more rhythmic variety, but there
are two advantages:

1) If it's a long dialog paragraph, the reader doesn't have to wait
until the end to find out who said it.

2) By putting the attribution in the middle, it can give you a pause in
the dialog at a place where the speaker would naturally pause.

_I couldn't hear anything from downstairs...whatever Ranma said, he was
pretty quiet about it. It didn't take long, either_, thought Akane,
turning her head to look at Ranma. His face was fairly blank, and she
wanted to hit him for it. She had been visibly devastated after
telling Ryoga, and he didn't look upset after telling his childhood
friend? She soon realized that she was being stupid, and again held
her tongue. In reality, she was just concerned, and wanted Ranma to
tell her how it had went.

how it had gone.
(went is the simple past tense; gone is the participle.)

"Not that kind of doctor, I don't think I could be a chiropractor. I
would like to be a medical doctor though...I practically am here,
taking care of _your_ wounds," she joked. He really didn't get hurt
that much, but she was typically the one to bandage him up when he
was.

when he did.
(to make the two clauses agree)

"Do to!" he said, but Akane didn't reply. Another realization suddenly

"Do too!"

"Despite what you're thinking, I'm actually here to help. Me and
Kasumi have been...talking. Before when Daddy and Mr. Saotome had just

It would be correct to say "Kasumi and I" rather than "Me and Kasumi"
there. Not sure whether this is a mistake or it's intentionally informal
speech.

"Not even for your sister? I see." said Nabiki, walking right up to

see," said

"But my room's on the first floor. There's no challenge there." Akane
made a disgusted face.

Suggest moving Akane's face to the beginning of the next paragraph. As
is, it seems to imply that she said the dialog that's next to it, which
isn't true.

Really nice job on the Ranma/Akane scene. There's just the right balance
of awkwardness and emotional payoff.

_That's not like him to waste food...well the tea would still be good,
if I heat it up._ When she had woken up, P-chan had been gone, and she
noticed that his pack had been ruffled through. After knocking on the
door to the upstairs bathroom, she heard Ryoga's voice say that he
wouldn't be much longer. Ukyo had wanted to die when she realized what
it meant. _I slept with Ryoga on my lap, all night! He was P-chan...but
still! What if Ranma finds out about this? What will he think?_

RANMA: Another pig-fetishist? She and Akari ought to get together.

UKYO: Akari's not a pig.

She had changed her clothes too, and tidied the room up. One good
thing had come out of Ryoga staying all night, at least; she felt less
hopeless today. Despite her telling Konatsu and Ranma to leave her
alone, she didn't think she really wanted to be. For most of her life,
Ukyo had been alone. Certainly, she was used to it, but that didn't
mean she always had to be. Or that everyone had to listen to her,
without arguing, when she said she wanted to be. Was subtlety lost on
everyone, these days?

KONATSU: What's your point here?

UKYO: I'm upset because people just assume I want to be left alone.

KONATSU: Oh, I'm sorry, Ukyo-sama. I'll leave, so you can be upset in
private.

Like the paragraph, BTW. Saying "I want to be alone" and then getting
mad when people take you up on it is a very human thing to do.

"I should tell him to meet me downstairs, it'd be awkward to talk to
him as Ryoga, up here," she mumbled quietly, opening the door to leave
the room. On the other side of it, though, stood a tall, dark haired

dark-haired

"Ryoga," was all she could say, as she barely remembered to close the
door behind her. Her heart was beating faster, and she found herself
suddenly nervous. What if he made fun of her for being such a wimp,
when he was the pig?

RYOGA: Why would I make fun of you because I was a wimp?

What if he had lost whatever respect he had for
her, at seeing her with her defenses down? She didn't need anymore

any more

taunting, now.

JOHN CLEESE: Ah fart in your general direction, daffy English
ken-iggots!

_Talk about what, how much we both wish things were different? But I
can't just throw him back out on the streets...he has nowhere to go.
Oh, damn you Ryoga, why did you have to choose my restaurant to follow

damn you, Ryoga,

the scent of?_

Suggest: why did you have to choose _my_ restaurant's scent to follow?_

(A bit more direct and less awkward)

"Akane was here too last night, wasn't she? I think her and Ranma were
looking for me yesterday."

"she and Ranma" would be correct. Again, not sure if this is Ryoga's
mistake or yours.

"Oh? Well actually, she was here. They didn't stay long, just had some
food, then Ranma wanted to talk," she said, feeling less cheerful now
that Ranma had been brought up, "Why would the be looking for you?"

up. "Why would they be
(You do have a "said" here, but "Why" starts a new sentence in the
dialog, so you still need a period.)

"Sorry, sorry. I'll try to take Akari out of my vocabulary," she said,
picking up their now empty plates and walking over to the sink with
them.

UKYO: I'll just take these plates and Akari them over to the sink...
oops!

"Well, you have a house, don't you sugar? You could go there for a

don't you, sugar?

"Is it as hard for you to get home as any other place?" asked Ukyo. _He
should at least be able to find his own way home properly...he was
able to get here, wasn't he? And I know he's been to the Tendo's

Tendos'
(there are more than one Tendo)

"No, thanks. I already ate." He said before disappearing from her

ate," he

"This is your map?" she asked, incredulously, "No wonder you always
get lost! That's it, I'm taking you home Ryoga. I don't know how you

home, Ryoga.

even manage to get around in Nerima at all," She said, shaking her

all," she

"Oh, wait here a minute Ryoga, I'm going to tell Konatsu, okay? I'll

minute, Ryoga,

"Geez, calm down Ukyo. They aren't going to kill you for being five

down, Ukyo.

"I'm sorry, Miss Ukyo!" said Konatsu, bowing and looking upset with
himself, "But where did Ryoga go? And why is his stuff still here?" He

he

"You seem like a smart pig. And Ukyo cares about you...funny, I didn't
think she'd care about something that belongs to Akane. Well, I'd
better take you with me to the other room, then. Ukyo wouldn't be too
happy if I lost you," he said. With that, he picked up P-chan again,
and carried him out of the kitchen. P-chan's kicks and noises were
promptly ignored by the ninja turned waiter; he had a feeling they

ninja-turned-waiter;


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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