Aishuu Offers:
Nyctalopia
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
~ Sequel to "Alter Egos" ~
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Manon, part of the terrible trio of
mods. Sorry it's not a Yami fic, but at least I know
you'll read this.

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Prologue
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I wasn't really fond of the idea of returning to
Tomoeda. Tomoeda held many memories for me, and
memories were one thing I didn't like dwelling on. I
wasn't, by nature, a person who liked to THINK on the
past. I tended to charge forward into the future, and
when confronted by things I didn't like, I ignored
them.

Avoidance is a GREAT defense mechanism. I practiced it
hourly.

It wasn't because I was stupid and denying reality -
far from it. Clow Reed never would have created a
stupid creation. I was smart, smarter than almost
anything human, but intelligence doesn't equal wisdom.
Eriol was always telling me wisdom comes with age, and
frankly, I wasn't that old. 

But I didn't think. If I thought too hard, my head
started to hurt. So I left the thinking to Eriol. Or
Spinel Sun. Or most recently, Kaho. Anyone but me.

Kaho and Eriol were a strange pair, but they... fit...
for lack of a better word. Eriol wouldn't have been
happy with a girl his own age, burdened as he was with
the memories of Clow Reed. And Kaho had the strange
ability to see people for who they really were, and
wasn't concerned that she would have to wait for years
until Eriol was old enough to pick up the sexual side
of their relationship. I teased them about that
constantly, but Kaho would just smile. 

It made people uncomfortable that I was free talking
about that kind of stuff, but I had little concern for
social niceties. Manners and frivolities were things I
used when I needed to, but they were like clothes, and
just as easily discarded. I wasn't completely immoral,
just unconcerned. I understood the necessity of proper
behavior, but I didn't always follow it.

Eriol found me amusing, and that was what mattered. I
was, after all, his. Above all, I had to please him.

Still, the relationship with Kaho was a bit strange.
She was an adult, and mortal. Once I asked him why he
didn't try to pick up a relationship with Yue. From
the few stories I had been told, Yue and Clow had had
something going on. That was part of the reason I
didn't like Yue much - there were many, but the fact
that Clow had once loved Yue in a way that he didn't
love me made me jealous. Oh, and I was a jealous
creature. 

Eriol had been sitting in his large red chair, reading
one of his books. He had whipped through his homework,
as usual, in fifteen minutes and was now studying some
dead language. I peered at the title and saw it was
actually some kind of cookbook.

"Anything good?" I asked.

"Many things, but sadly I lack your skill in the
kitchen. I might translate them and have you try one
or two of them."

I laughed. I had a rough knowledge of languages, but
my translations were always imprecise because I was
impatient. I was good at many things, but I had never
really mastered anything, because I was like a
butterfly. I thought Eriol had chosen the right wings
to give me, because I flitted from interest to
interest, rarely displaying commitment to anything.
Though those few times I really wanted something, I
displayed a tunnel vision which was terrifying.

Or so I'm told.

Still, Eriol's modesty about his cooking was annoying.
There was nothing he didn't do well, and I knew he was
a better cook than I would ever be. "Eriol, why don't
you make it yourself?" I asked.

"Because I can never put your feeling into it," he
told me, shutting the book. "You always do everything
with such passion... it comes through." He gazed at me
fondly, and I felt myself glow under his praise.

Twirling around, I pulled him out of his chair and
gave him a hug, much like an older sister would. He
leaned into it, enjoying my touch, but I noticed he
didn't fit into my arms as easily as he once had. He
was starting to hit a growth spurt, but I was still
taller. I was a bit nervous how he would look when he
was an adult - it would be a relief when he physically
appeared to be my superior, but a part of me would
miss being able to cuddle with him. 

I settled into the chair, still holding onto him,
wanting to savor the moment. "You've grown so much," I
told him.

"Things change, people change. It's the one constant
in life. Nothing ever stays the same," he told me.

"I do," I replied.

His smile was sad as he tilted his head to examine me.
"You may physically, but even you change in here," he
told me, resting his hand against my chest. 

Eriol's touch was warm through the light cotton blouse
I was wearing. I could feel the steady thrum of my
heart, realizing he was the one who had made it beat.
"Did you change?" I asked. "From being Clow Reed?"

His smile faded. "I'm not him," he told me. "No matter
how much Sakura or Yue may want me to be, I'm not. I'm
Hiiragazawa Eriol, and this is my life."

"Is that why you haven't gone to Yue?" I asked.

Eriol's hand fell away from me, and I just stared at
him as he laughed after a moment. "My curious, curious
butterfly... you always ask what I don't want to ask
myself." His hand picked up a strand of my hair and
twirled it idly around his fingers, and I realized he
wasn't seeing me anymore, but memories that weren't
his own.

"There's a saying... we never stand in the same river
twice. Even if we return to the same spot, the water
around us has changed. We try to move downstream, and
things are different there. So even if I wanted to, I
wouldn't be able to reclaim what Clow had.

"But I don't. I want to walk my own path, and Yue was
part of Clow's. I created my own guardians, who give
me what I need in this lifetime. Ruby Moon and Spinel
Sun, different and yet similar to Keroberus and Yue.
None of you are the same, and yet..."

His hands slipped away, and he rested his cheek
against my shoulder. "Sometimes I wonder why I tried
to divert the stream onto the course I did. Kaho is my
future, but I tried to tell Yue which way he had to
flow..." Behind his glasses, his eyes fluttered shut,
and he fell asleep. It was a curious moment, one that
made me wonder exactly what he had done to Yue.

And if he had regrets. He had helped Sakura change the
cards, but as Clow Reed, he had created them as his
magnus opus, created Yue and Keroberus...

But that was then. This was now. The moment is never
the same twice, was what he meant.

And things do change. The river of time flowed
onwards, and you do return to certain parts of your
life that you don't always want to be. The waters may
have been different, but the scenery was the same.

When Kaho finished up her teaching duties, Eriol
declared it was time for us to go back to Tomoeda. I
pouted and complained about how I had just finished
learning English, but Eriol said that if I really
wanted, he could arrange for me to stay, but that he
was going back. He had friends he missed, and he liked
being around people who understood who he was.

"There's a nice university that has good professors -
would you like to enroll?" he asked late one night
when I had thrown a particular wild fit about leaving.


Eriol was my master; it was a stupid suggestion and we
both knew it.

"Meanie," I said, scowling at him. "I'll start
packing."

"Please. I would hate to leave you behind, and I think
you'll find something worthwhile to keep yourself
occupied," he told me. He gave me one those secretive
smiles that everyone else found so infuriating but I
just saw as part of his character. It was a mystery I
would know the answer to later, and though I usually
in on the secret, this time I had no clue what he was
hinting at.

Having a seer for a master sucked sometimes.

In the corner, Spinel Sun watched us with those
all-too-smug eyes of his, and I made a mental note to
buy a pile of pocky as soon as I arrived. Spinel Sun
had a little comeuppance due.

I let my doubts fade away. I would be going back to a
place where I had failed, and it wouldn't be entirely
pleasant. Still... it would definitely be worth going
returning. The thing about Eriol was that he never
lied; he may never have told the complete truth, but
he never out and out lied. Eriol's glasses glinted in
the light and I wondered exactly what the future had
in store for me.



END PROLOGUE
				
Nyctalopia:

n : inability to see clearly in dim light; due to a
deficiency of vitamin A or to a retinal disorder, also
known as night blindness or moon blindness.
							
Source: WordNet � 1.6, � 1997 Princeton University


=====
i won't search beyond the sea from now
the shining thing is always here
it can be found within myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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