Quoting Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org>:

General:  I was surprised how little the overall plot
seemed to be advanced this chapter.  There are some
nice character bits, though.  And nothing on the Ukyou/
Mikado subplot?

slightly.  Akane knew how the he felt about Kasumi;

superfluous "the"

held up a small ceramic pot. "No, the water was in
this, an ordinary gravy dish. Taken from Shan Pu's own
cupboard, it appears."

Hmmm... This just _might_, given later events and
revelations herein, have significance.

"I was on the phone with Washington

<clip>

"Your superiors?"

<clip?

"My wife."

Minor plausibility nit, I think, though I admit fixing
it might spoil the surprise.  I suspect very few CIA
personnel actually live in Washington proper.  I'd think
almost all would live in the suburbs.  Might want to
consider changing to "the States".

she was nonplussed

The word choice here seems odd to me.  She was
"completely perplexed" (Webster's)?  I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to read into this.  She didn't know how to
use weapons when she actually got the chance to?

Therefore we have equpiied her cell

misspelling

with enough of a demonstration to convince that

I keep expecting a "them" to follow "convince".  I think
you're technically correct that "convince" doesn't need
a direct object, but to me it reads funny.

When it came down to it, Michaels was a family man.

<clip>

an attitude not too far removed from her own, Biaozi
supposed.

Not sure why Biaozi would suppose this; the two seem to
me diametrically opposed.  (You could be intending this
ironically, of course.)  Michaels clearly is in the trap
familiar to many Americans:  he thinks he can't match
his current paycheck in any other job which would keep
him closer to home, so he's in Mongolia while his oldest
son is in trouble at school.  And accepting a smaller
paycheck is anathema to him.  In such cases it is often
true that his family, if consulted, would willingly
accept the smaller paycheck for a stay-at-home job, just
to have him around more.

Biaozi, OTOH, is determined to intervene in the affairs
of her "family", against their own wishes.

If you intended irony, might want to give us Michael's
opinion of Biaozi (if he has one).

The means to ause such a transformation would have
been in the hands of Ke Lun herself, and passed upon
her death to... Shan Pu.

So is this is what the Linghungbao does?

When one is made an Elder, her water is removed from
storage. She herself is then responsible for its
safety.

...or maybe not.  But "Ke Lun water" wouldn't make for
an irreversible curse.

*No one will blame me,* he repeated to himself, and he
knew it was a lie. At least one person would.

I liked this bit, with Gosunkugi taking a risk and
accepting the consequences.

He would find the right course of action by looking
not to what was expected of him, but to his own
fundamental nature -- to what he was.
And he would allow no one else to decide that.

Nice touch here too, having both
apparently-diametrically-opposed parents' voices agree
in the end on this.

"You look half dead."

<clip>

he just didn't feel like himself. At least not like
*all* of himself. Was it the flu? It had come on so
suddenly that he could almost pinpoint. It was right
around when they'd left the Amazon village. Right
after--

Hmmm...  (Quick check back to Chap. 5: Lili's spirit
left him, and he doesn't [can't] change to female any
more)

[soldiers sound too undisciplined]

Agree.  Suggest beginning the scene with a conversation
indicating disgruntlement, or that they're conscripts
who just want to get out alive, or something.

but it seemed that the okomiyaki chef was not so
fortunate.

Well, if the narrative gave us any real reason to think
that this _was_ Ukyou, anyway.  "Feral yelp" rather
suggests otherwise.

Nice chapter.  Hope we don't have to wait another two
years for the next part (though I'm certainly not one to
talk!).


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