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DISCLAIMERS, APOLOGIES, and RAMBLING
The following is a highly contrived piece of shite.
The following highly contrived piece of shite is based on characters from
Ranma 1/2 and other series.
Appropriate disclaimers will be posted at the beginning of each chapter.
Extreme suspension of disbelief is recommended for reading this story, as
many facets of reality are being disregarded in favour of the highly
contrived plot.
Feedback is encouraged. Flames are pointless, as the author is a flaming
retard.
...wait a minute, that isn't right. o.O;;
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, Viz, and other
corporate entities who are not me. No infringement is intended, no profit is
being made, and I make no claims of ownership to anything here except my own
original characters.[
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/"In business news...the financial world was rocked today by the death of
Fuusha Onara, founder and head of Daikougan Zaibatsu. Born in Okinawa in
1899, Onara was one of the wealthiest men in Japan, and a powerful force in
the Japanese financial community. It is unknown at this time who will
succeed him as the head of Daikougan; also uncertain is what effect, if any,
his death will have on stock prices."/
"So the old man finally kicked," Tendou Nabiki mused, clicking off the
television as the financial news ended and the anchor drifted off into a
piece about a baseball team's mascot getting his genitals stuck in the
zipper of his costume.
A tiny form promptly latched onto her chest. "Not true, my dear! I'm still
very much alive! Hotcha!"
Nabiki's eyebrow twitched. "Old man, do the words 'tax evasion' mean
anything to you?"
"Not especially," Happousai replied from between her breasts.
"Get offa her, ya freak," a voice growled from nearby. Suddenly, a hand
lashed out, cleanly separating the shrivelled old pervert from the ripe
young bosom of the middle Tendou daughter. Before Happousai had time to
change course, a foot snapped out, sending him flying through the open door
and over the boundary wall.
"Took you long enough, Saotome," Nabiki smirked, brushing at herself as
though trying to wipe off any germs Happousai may have left on her person.
Saotome Ranma glared out the door, waiting to see if the ancient lecher
would return. "You're welcome," he grunted absently.
"Just another day in the neighborhood," Nabiki quipped.
A knock sounded from the front entrance.
"Is anyone home?" an unfamiliar male voice called.
"I'll get it," Kasumi, the eldest daughter, chimed as she bustled out of the
kitchen. Ranma, satisfied Happousai wouldn't make a return appearance,
trailed after her, followed by a rather bored Nabiki.
The trio found five men in black suits and dark glasses standing at the
door. "Good afternoon," the leader of the men said, bowing. "We wish to
speak to Saotome Ranma."
"Goodness. Won't you come in?" Kasumi asked.
Ranma leaned back against the wall as the men removed their shoes, folding
his arms. "Watcha want?" he asked bluntly.
"Ranma-kun," Kasumi chided mildly, "We should offer our guests some tea
before we ask what brings them here."
"Yeah, okay," Ranma said. "Just so long as it ain't about no fiancees or
nothin'."
All five of the men suddenly coughed and shifted slightly. Ranma's eyes
narrowed. "Aw HELL no."
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R A N M A D A T E
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PROLOGUE:
FUCK WHAT?!
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The dining table was rather crowded. As if summoned by the word 'fiancees',
the entire household had arrived just as Kasumi began pouring tea for the
five guests. Soun and Kasumi sat at one end of the table, Nodoka and Genma
on the other. Ranma, Nabiki, and Akane faced the suited men.
"Alright, let's make it quick," Ranma snapped, glowering. "Who'd Pop sell me
to, how much did he sell me for, how much did he steal back afterward, who d
'ya expect me ta marry, an' who do I gotta fight ta get out of it?"
The second man from the left chuckled. "It's nothing like that, Saotome-san.
This doesn't involve your father, nor does it involve any martial arts
challenge."
Everyone did a double-take at that. "That's a first," Nabiki remarked.
"Allow us to introduce ourselves," the man at the far left said. "I'm
Hitoshi."
"Satoshi."
"Kuroboshi."
"Tadakichi."
"Yoshiyuki."
"Yeah yeah, and together you're Kuroko Sentai Burakkuman or somethin',"
Ranma said, rolling his eyes. "Cut to the chase."
"Very well," Satoshi said, pulling a manila envelope from his suit jacket.
He extracted several documents and a large, glossy photograph. He placed
this on the table; it showed an ancient, heavily wrinkled man with numerous
liver spots, little hair, and few teeth. "Saotome-san, this is Fuusha Onara,
the late founder of Daikougan Zaibatsu."
"Oh my. Isn't that the biggest financial conglomerate in Japan?" Kasumi
asked.
"It sure is," Nabiki said. "Old man Fuusha was worth seventeen trillion yen
at the time of his death."
"Seventeen point eight," Kuroboshi said.
"Okay, so he's a rich old fart, and he's dead," Ranma said. "What's that got
to do with me?"
Satoshi laid the sheaf of documents on the table. "Fuusha-sama has succeeded
in outliving every other member of his family. He has no living relatives.
Many of the executives managing his various holdings fancy themselves as the
favourites to take over the centre seat of the entire organisation. However,
Fuusha-sama was rather...paranoid about what would become of all he'd worked
for his entire life if any of the, as he put it, 'bottom-feeding sons of
bitches' were to inherit his personal holdings."
"To the disappointment of many of his junior executives," Tadakichi put in,
"Fuusha-sama drafted a will, naming a single heir, prior to his death." He
reached over and slid the documents closer to Ranma. "You, Saotome Ranma."
Ranma blinked. "What?"
Yoshiyuki inclined his head toward Ranma, smiling thinly. "Pending
fulfillment of the conditions set forth in Fuusha Onara's last will and
testament, you, Saotome Ranma, will become the legal head of Daikougan
Zaibatsu, owner of the Fuusha estate, and heir to a seventeen trillion yen
fortune."
"SOLD!" Genma and Soun cried.
"I'm...huh?" Ranma blinked. "But...huh?"
"Let me see that will," Nabiki said, snapping up the documents and perusing
them with a mercenary glint in her eyes. "'I, Fuusha Onara, being of sound
mind and...yadda yadda...hereby declare...yadda yadda...Saotome Ranma, of
Nerima prefecture, yadda yadda, sole heir to my estate and cumulative
wealth, as well as yadda yadda...pending yadda yadda, based on his
satisfactorily meeting the conditions set forth below."
"What conditions?" Ranma asked. The five black-suited men shifted uneasily.
"Well..."
Nabiki suddenly threw the will down in disgust. "That'll never happen," she
snarled.
"What'll never happen?" Ranma asked.
"It says you have to get married to get the money," Nabiki said.
Ranma sighed. "It figures."
Soun and Genma suddenly towered over Ranma. "BOY, YOU WILL MARRY AKANE
IMMEDIATELY!" they both shouted.
"FUCK OFF!" Ranma roared at them, pulling off a perfect Demon Head that sent
the two men tumbling into a corner.
"Tendou-san didn't finish reading the stipulations," Kuroboshi pointed out,
taking his own copy of the will out of his jacket. "If I may?"
Ranma eyed him warily. "Yeah, go on."
"As Tendou-san said...the will stipulates that in order to inherit the
entire estate and all assets belonging to Fuusha Onara, you must marry
within sixty days. You may not annull the marriage. You may not enter any
prenuptual agreements without consulting with Fuusha-sama's personal
attorneys. You may not simply file a paper marriage and never speak to your
bride after the ceremony--you'll be monitored to make sure you're living up
to your obligations."
"Hey, I ain't like that," Ranma cut in. "That's the kinda crap my Pop'd
pull, NOT me."
"Fuusha-sama was quite aware of that, Saotome-san," Satoshi said. "That's
one of the many reasons he chose you. He believes you to be a young man of
admirable character. Somewhat rough around the edges, but generally decent,
trustworthy, honourable, dependable, and above all, not entirely
self-serving."
"You sure you got the right Saotome Ranma?" Nabiki joked.
"He also wants someone who can literally kick ass in the boardroom," Satoshi
added.
"Okay, THAT'S our Ranma."
Kuroboshi cleared his throat. "If I may continue? There are further
stipulations."
"Oh yeah? What else?" Ranma asked.
"Fuusha-sama knew everything about you there is to know, Saotome-san.
Including the multiple arrangements made by your father and others, as well
as your...aquatic condition." The five men shifted uncomfortably again. "As
such, further conditions must be satisfied in order to fulfill the letter
and spirit of the will before you will be awarded your inheritance."
"Okay, lay it on me," Ranma said.
"First: You may not file your marriage as a woman. In other words, you can't
marry a man."
Ranma snorted. "That's not a problem, trust me."
"Second: You may not marry any of the following individuals: The Chinese
national known as Shan Pu."
"Like I wanna."
"The Chinese national known as Khu Lon."
Ranma made a loud retching noise.
"Kunou Kodachi."
Ranma snorted.
"Kuonji Ukyou."
Ranma shrugged. "I ain't never wanted ta marry Ucchan. She's my best buddy,
but..."
"Daikoku Kaori."
"The weird takeout chick? No loss there."
"Shiratori Azusa."
"Who'd WANT to?"
"Unryuu Akari."
"Hey, it's Ryouga she's after. I don't got no interest in her."
"Konjo Mariko."
"Again, she's after somebody else."
"Tendou Kasumi."
"Oh my."
"Tendou Nabiki."
Ranma smirked. "Too bad, Nabiki."
"Tendou Akane."
Silence.
"Uhh...repeat that last one?"
"Tendou Akane."
Soun coughed. "Excuse me. I seem to have misunderstood. I could have sworn
you just said Ranma cannot marry any of my daughters."
"That is correct, Tendou-san."
=================================================
The Tendou residence shook for several minutes with the sounds of violence.
Every so often, a figure would fly either through an open door, a
not-so-open wall, or the roof. To the rest of the neighborhood, this all
seemed perfectly normal, and nobody paid any attention to the chaos.
=================================================
"I'm sorry, but family honour takes precedence over the whims of an
eccentric old enterpreneur," Soun said once calm descended again in the
living room.
The five dark-suited men looked rather rumpled; Satoshi's glasses were
completely missing and he was nursing a black eye; Yoshiyuki's glasses were
shattered, the frames dangling from his face, and three of his teeth were
gone. Hitoshi's nose was swollen and turning an ugly shade of puce.
Tadakichi was unconscious on the floor. Kuroboshi, the least abused of the
five, faced Soun with a grim stare. "I'm sorry, Tendou-san, but the will of
the Japanese government takes precedence over the honour of one family."
"Two families."
"Whatever." Kuroboshi adjusted his glasses. "We are special representatives
of the Ministry of Financial Affairs. The government has taken an interest
in this situation, as the fate of Daikougan Zaibatsu will have a major
impact on the national economy of Japan, not to mention the international
economy."
Satoshi sat forward. "We've been assigned to ensure that Fuusha-sama's will
is honoured, and Saotome-san is installed as the heir to his estate and head
of Daikougan."
"An' what th' hell do I know about money that makes me so important?" Ranma
demanded. "I ain't never even had none, an' when I did, I hadda give it ta
*this* shark with tits." He jerked a thumb at Nabiki.
"Tits *you'll* never see, Saotome," Nabiki smirked, effecting a sexy pose
which was thoroughly ignored by Ranma.
"Your knowledge of financial affairs is irrelevant, Saotome-san," Yoshiyuki
whistled through his broken teeth. "What's important is for the zaibatsu to
have a strong, imposing figurehead--someone young, strong, and confident.
That's you."
Ranma preened. "I guess when you put it that way..."
Soun slammed his hands down on the table (it collapsed, sending him
sprawling to the floor). "ENOUGH! I want the five of you out of my house
this instant! RANMA WILL MARRY AKANE!!"
"Saotome-san will choose a wife appropriate to the fulfillment of the terms
of Fuusha-sama's will!" Kuroboshi snarled.
"Father, Kuroboshi-san, please calm yourselves!" Kasumi said. "We can
discuss this rationally."
"I ain't gotta marry nobody if I don't wanna," Ranma said adamantly. "I'm
tired o' people tellin' me what I gotta do."
"Saotome-san...please. Listen. We're not forcing you into the kind of thing
you've put up with all your life."
"Ain't ya? Sure sounds like it."
"Look...we've taken your past history with arranged marriages and forced
engagements into consideration. We're not choosing a bride for you."
"You ain't?" Ranma asked.
Kuroboshi shook his head, smiling. "No, Saotome-san. We want you to choose
your own bride. Provided she isn't one of the women listed in the will."
Ranma perked up suddenly. "Oh yeah?" His eyes glinted; a plan was clearly
forming in his mind.
"And you can't marry yourself, either."
"Damn."
"Saotome-san...Ranma-kun," Kuroboshi continued, removing his sunglasses. "We
understand what a big decision this is. We're not asking you to enter into
it lightly." He pulled a folder out of his jacket. "We've already organised
a national search for suitable bridal candidates. We'll be sending leaflets
to the homes of every suitable eligible young woman in Japan, and preparing
a national publicity campaign. We'll spend three weeks collecting
applications for the program, then short-list the candidates down to the
best thirty entrants, who will be decided by the five of us."
Ranma blinked. "Uhhh...huh?"
"Three weeks from today, Saotome-san, you will be asked to date one woman a
day for thirty days. They will be blind dates--you will not know the name or
face of each woman until your date with them. You'll spend a day together,
with as few distractions as possible, getting to know one another. After
thirty days, you'll have a week to collect your thoughts, reflect on each of
the women you went out with, and think over your decision. At the end of
that time, you'll be expected to choose one to be your wife."
Ranma stared at him. "And if I refuse?"
Kuroboshi tossed the folder to Ranma. "Official police documents of charges
against Saotome Genma. Arrest warrants. Tax evasion records. Caseworker
reports and private investigator accounts of spousal and child abuse by both
Saotome Genma and Saotome Nodoka. Authorisation for investigation into child
neglect by Tendou Soun and Kuonji Ichidama. Tax evasion records for this
property. Felony fraud charges against Tendou Nabiki. Damage
estimates--bills for damage done to various city-owned properties, by
yourself, your fiancees, your friends and rivals, your family members.
Warrants for the seizure and deportation of three Chinese nationals
illegally residing in Japan."
Ranma stared at him. "You're kiddin'."
"I'm not joking, Saotome-san."
"You mean I gotta go along with this whole thing, or Mom, Pop, the Tendous,
Ryouga, Ucchan, Shampoo..." He swallowed. "Everybody I know's
gonna--gonna--"
"Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars,"
Satoshi said.
"Bastards," Ranma spat.
Kuroboshi shrugged. "It's a simple choice. Cooperate, and everything in that
folder disappears. You, your family, your friends--everyone gets off
scot-free. Refuse, and..." He spread his hands. "Sayonara."
Ranma tossed the folder at Kuroboshi's feet, fists clenched, teeth grinding.
A vein throbbed in his temple.
Everyone watched him anxiously for several minutes.
"Fine," he growled. "I'll do it."
"Ranma..." Akane said softly, tears shining in her eyes.
"I don't got a choice, right?"
"That's about right, yes," Kuroboshi said. "I'm sure it won't be as
unpleasant as you seem to think it will be, Saotome-san."
"Whatever," Ranma said. "Just...get the hell out of my sight, okay? Don't
bother me again until th' date shit starts."
Kuroboshi bowed. "We'll be in touch in three weeks, Saotome-san." With that,
the five suited men exited the Tendou residence.
The Tendous and Saotomes exchanged glances with one another for several long
moments.
"Well..." Genma said hesitantly.
"Fuck," Ranma said, retreating upstairs.
"You shouldn't do that until your wedding night, Ranma-kun!" Kasumi called
up after him.
Everyone stared at her.
She blinked back at them. "Ara?"
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THE PROCEDURE:
Soon, Ranmadate will officially kick off, with one 'date' chapter posted
each day for thirty days. A brief voting form will be attached to the end of
each date chapter, and readers will be encouraged to complete it and send it
(privately!!) to the author.
At the end of the thirty days, another voting form will be posted. Results
will be collected and tabulated for seven (7) days. At the end of that time,
the final chapter will be written and posted, and the identity of Ranma's
future wife will be revealed.
Please note that this is NOT an open writing challenge, or a Bet-style
clusterfuck entity. One author, and one author only, is responsible for ALL
installments of this story. Any attempt to horn in on my fun will be met
with open, scathing hostility, and possibly a 32 caliber enema.
Also note that the thirty short-list candidates have already been
established by me, the author. I am not entertaining suggestions for
possible fiancees for Ranma. I already have my thirty; outside help is
neither wanted, appreciated, or encouraged.
I hope you all have as much fun reading this as I'm having writing it.
-ELL
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END OF DAY -21 -- RANMADATE
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