My comments may come off as harsh sometimes. Know that I only
intend them to be honest. :)
The whole intro bit feels overwritten to me, probably because it's
a cliche and I'm just waiting for it to be over to the 'real' story
can begin. I'd say cut about half of the descriptive stuff to make
it move along faster. If you're really willing, I would pair it down
to the absolute essentials because all you really need is that this
little guy is sent to earth in typical magical girl sidekick fashion.
There's nothing wrong with using this cliche at all, but the way it
is doesn't really encourage further reading and it would be a shame
because everything after it is great.
***
Kodachi Kuno merrily bounced along the rooftops of Nerima as she made
her way home from school, her delightful laugh advertised her good mood
to any who would care to listen.
"Ohohohoho!!" - definitely include the actual laugh.
"Ranma-sama..." she breathed out the name of her beloved in a reverent
tone while alighting on a streetlight to briefly survey the plebeians
who walked the common streets beneath her. But her Ranma-sama wasn't
beneath her! If ever there was a man worthy of the Black Rose, it was
he. Just thinking of being held in those strong arms of his, rippling
with powerful yet well-toned muscle, was enough to sent delightful
shivers through her body. Truly her Ranma-sama was a man among men!
I'm glad I stuck past the rocky opening. Here all of your description
is making things very interesting for me, when it was linked to two
vague entities before it didn't seem to matter.
It was then that Kodachi spotted something, or rather someone, that sent
her mood plummeting. "Pigtailed girl," she groaned at seeing the short
'the pigtailed girl', though considering Kodachi 'wretched pigtailed girl'
would be better.
Just looking at the way the bitch dressed in an obviously transparent
imitation of Ranma-sama (her clothes were even oversized enough that
they could probably fit him too) made the Black Rose shudder with barely
contained rage. She might not be able to fault the pigtailed girl's
taste in men (except for the few times she led Tatewaki on, though it
was pretty obvious she was just cruelly playing with him - which was
something Kodachi could respect), but her desperate copying of Ranma-
sama's appearance and mannerisms hinted at a dangerously unstable mind.
I'd take the stuff contained in () and make them seperate sentences.
It would make the paragraph more coherent and easier to read.
And people called *her* crazy? The thought was enough to make Kodachi
laugh. Which she did. With great aplomb.
She would scoff rather than laugh... but that's really picky.
The pigtailed girl looked slightly flustered, and took a moment to
collect herself. No doubt she was simply overwhelmed by how outclassed
she was compared to the Black Rose in the quest for Ranma. "Look...
Kodachi," she said, trying hard to keep her tone light and failing
miserably. "You should just give up on Ranma... it'd be best for
everyone if you did."
But then her black rose wedding gown would go to waste. :p
Kodachi growled low in her throat. It was an unspoken truce of the Kuno
household, that she would keep her pictures of Ranma-sama in her bedroom
or the greenhouse, while Tatewaki would keep pictures of his two 'loves'
Does she really ever have a greenhouse in manga or anime or is it just
a fanfic convention? I'm not saying it's wrong to use it since I think
it fits. I'm honestly curious.
"Looks like Tatewaki woke up stupid today..." Kodachi murmered, snapping
out her ribbon to shred the offending portraits.
What days doesn't he wake up stupid? :p
She had barely begun her task when her older brother charged into the
hall, bokken held high above his head. "Horrid woman! How dare you
strike at the images of my two loves!"
Actually, his usual wooden sword is a boukto. This is one of those
mistakes that's long been accepted as fact. Or I'm mixed up.
It was a rather hectic day at the Tendou dojo, even by that place's
wacky standards.
'wacky' sounds like an odd word choice here. Doesn't really suit
the tone.
Dokuchu had settled into a comfortable spot under a bush by the koi pond
to observe things before he made any attempt at contacting the girl who
could potentially save the Earth. This gave him the perfect opportunity
to witness such distilled madness as to contemplate just letting the
planet burn...
Huh? I don't understand the last sentence at all.
"Boy! Your fiancee is cooking dinner, be sure to eat it all up. Tendou
dinner. Be
The girl seemed enraged at these words, and started yelling furiously,
"No way, old man! I'm not gonna suffer by myself! Either we all eat it,
or none of us do!"
This implies he's actually willing to eat it... poor Ranma has gone mad.
"I have come to claim my bride!"
"Huh? I didn't say that!" Ranma protested, looking around frantically
for the source of that booming statement.
"Nay, 'twas I, Prince Ynesbrg!"
I was expecting the ghost cat. Darn.
Prince Ynesbrg postured dramatically before speaking up in his booming
voice that was incongruous with his diminutive stature. "The portents of
the dreamers pointed me to this place where I may find my bride; the one
whose dark recipes will provide fuel for the awakening of the Old Gods
who slumber deep beneath R'lyeh! Akane Tendou, I have come for you!"
Sorry, stars aren't right yet. Wait for Akane to knock Ranma into
one first.
At this, Ranma doubled over in mirth. "Haha! That tells us everything
about your cooking, Akane!" she guffawed merrily until a small piglet
emerged from underneath the table and attacked her.
How did P-chan attack? Scratch the face? Chomp the ankle?
"I hope this one is okay... she's my last hope..." Dokuchu told himself
as he entered the large house, blissfully unaware of the many fatal
traps he had avoided thanks to his tiny size.
Ukyo doesn't qualify? I guess it would be odd for a 'man' to be
a magical girl...
Entering the room she currently resided in, Dokuchu was able to
stealthily observe her from where he clinged to the ceiling.
Right next to Sasuke.
"No, seriously, I'm a space lemming, and I've come to find you!" Dokuchu
said insistently, standing up on his hind legs and making a begging
gesture with his forepaws.
Making this the most bizarre anime / videogame crossover ever.
"Give me the power to defend against evil, the strength to protect love,
and the spirit to never falter! I am... Cutey Thorn!"
"That's the best you can think of?"
"Would you prefer Magical Princess Rosy Mach Go-Go?"
"Forget I said anything."
Starting from the bottom, her feet were now covered in black rose petals
which overlapped each other and came up to her calves to almost look
like boots from a distance. Then her legs were completely bare up to her
crotch which was barely covered by several silver ribbons which snaked
in-between her legs and looped around her waist, leaving very little to
the imagination. Her breasts were similarly on display, being barely
covered with a mixture of black rose petals and cherry blossom which
overlaidd each other to form a continuous covering over each breast up
to the nipple and around her back, but left the valley of her cleavage
totally open for viewing. She had nothing covering her arms except for
several thorny vines twisting around each forearm, and although the
jagged barbs looked quite wicked, they seemed to cause the girl no
discomfort. Lastly, her side ponytail was now bound by another small
thorny vine instead of its usual ribbon.
Poison Ivy, eat your heart out.
"Oh, my! Such a scandalous outfit! I simply must wear it to my next
gymnastics competition! Oh..." her smile took on a decidedly lecherous
quality, "I wonder what Ranma-sama will say when he sees me like
this..."
"What's with the funny getup? And do you have something to eat?"
A wicked glint appeared in Kodachi's eyes. "Oh yes, I see there is much
potential in this..."
Dum dum dum!!
Great chapter, though I'm a bit baised since Kodachi is my fav Ranma
character. Your characterization of her is spot on, though I doubt
she tests any drugs on herself. She seems to take the Akane Tendo
approach, which is never ever sample anything you make.
Look forward to reading more.
Ammadeau
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