hkmiller wrote:

I am inclined to agree with Ammadeau, I think, that this preface seemed
a touch over-long.

I would agree, save for the fact the title pretty much spells out what's
going to happen. That makes the cliched opening much more managable. I don't
see anyone tuning out with the 'prologue', if the title lured them in. It
can probably be trimmed some, or have something more humorous added to it,
but it's not that bad as it would be without the very descriptive title.

And people called *her* crazy? The thought was enough to make Kodachi
laugh. Which she did. With great aplomb.

Heh.  Actually quoting the laugh here, I think, would spoil the effect,
but it should be quoted
somewhere, earlier I suppose.

Agree. I personally think it works fine as is without 'OHHOHO'ing

More generally:  while I think your Kodachi dead-on, your Ranma is not
striking me as "dead-on"
in the sense that this is a normal day for him.  OTOH, your Ranma is not
striking me as wildly
OOC either;

He's barely there and hardly does anything. Not really enough of him here to
be 'wildly OOC'. I agree Ranma probably ought to be more casual about
things, though, since nothing out of the ordinary as really happened here.

Kodachi snorted in a nonetheless ladylike manner. "Pish tosh! Ranma-sama
is also engaged to that Kuonji girl and... married or some such
according to the backwards tribal law of that Chinese wench. A man such
as he is not to be tied down by the arrangements of others! Ranma-sama
will follow his heart to find true love, and I aim to make sure that he
finds me!" she postured dramatically as she finished her little speech.

Nice rationalization here.  Don't recall seeing Kodachi's reasoning
phrased like this before,
but it makes sense.  The manga never really explains why Kodachi keeps
up the pursuit in the
face of three girls with stronger claims.

Or she simply doesn't care about their claims and pursues because she enjoys
it.

I agree with Ammadeau:  "wacky" is out of place here; it disrupts my
suspension of disbelief.  I
read it as an authorial intrusion.  How about "unusual"?

Agree here.

"Huh? I didn't say that!" Ranma protested, looking around frantically
for the source of that booming statement.

"Nay, 'twas I, Prince Ynesbrg!"

Heh.  Didn't expect this addition, though it suits the "more hectic than
usual" theme.  May
contribute a bit to a tone problem, however:  while your Kuno-ke scene
was strictly Takahashi,
princes kidnapping Akane is more of a movie/fanfic cliche.  In
particular

Err, so? It's a parody. Why not use cliches from various sources? Magical
girls are not the domain of Ranma 1/2 and have already ruined the 'tone' of
the story if you're going for an original flavor fic. If you're not going to
complain about that, seeing a more anime oriented element is hardly
something that should be throwing you.


, given what Kenjiko

has done

So what if he has used the idea before? Does that mean no one else can use
it? I sincerely doubt he was the first to use this sort of thing as parody
in Ranma fanfiction, for that matter. I'm not following your reasoning for
singling out his name as to why that puts ebris's scene at risk.

with this type of scene, you risk parody here.

Um, of course it is. The story is a parody, so it only makes sense to use
more parody in driving Dok away from Ranma. This is an ideal situation to
use it in.

either Souichirou-sensei or Daisuke... I doubt it's Shiro... Damn! It

better not be Hiroshi or Yuka's gonna kill me!"

Well, this was a surprise.  Actually, using Sayuri at all was a surprise.

And a good one. I was expecting Ukyou which would have been very cliche, and
not in a good way. Nice twist.

As I think about it, the only point of this whole scene seems to be a
fairly cheap laugh at
"loose" Sayuri.

So what? She's a total background character to hang around Akane, the way
Hiroshi and Daisuke are with Ranma. As blank a slate as you can get. She
fits this role perfectly (candidate rejected for sleeping around), since
nothing beyond a name and that she hangs around Akane is known about her.

For instance, it might be fun to have a scene with a hitherto-unknown
girl with the potential to
equal the girls we know in power, and have this denoument.

Which would end up being the same cheap laugh without any recognition
whatsoever. That would only weaken the scene.

Using Sayuri

instead of an unknown
gives us the recognition, but your readers are still mystified as to
what drew Dokuchu

Not really. The 'How the Girls are being selected as candidates' isn't
important to the story. It's just who they are, and that each
disqualification scene is amusing in some way.

 here

(especially without an Ukyou scene or serious consideration given to
Akane).  Might work to
attribute some kind of potential other than martial arts to Sayuri here,
but I'd be clear about what
you're doing.

I agree with Ammadeau that Ukyou should have a scene.

I disagree. Not having Ukyou is fine. There's no obligation to include every
character in the series simply for the sake of appearing in the story.
Whatever criteria Dok's using isn't solely based on martial arts prowess,
one of the advantages of using Sayuri is it shows that, so you already have
the built in excuse as to why Akane wasn't mentioned either.

"Give me the power to defend against evil, the strength to protect love,
and the spirit to never falter! I am... Cutey Thorn!"

Was expecting "Pretty Koddi" or "Cody" from the title.  Not sure the
variation on Cutey Honey is
your best bet here; you might want to rethink.  Cutey Honey is shounen
rather than shoujo in
orientation, so it's kind of out-of-genre too.

Upon further review, I am inclined to agree here. Cutey seems a bit off. The
'Thorn' bit is nice. Might be something better for the first part of the
name.

Still want to see more.

DB Sommer



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