More from the backlog....

Denise Cameron <denisecameron@eastlink.ca> wrote:

Shampoo rode her bicycle quickly, only slightly put off by the added
weight on the back. She had been very, very tempted to just turn
Mousse into a duck and make him ride in the basket. But if she was
going to do that, any iota of a reason for bringing him along would be
lost. He was stronger, as a human. He talked more, and was a pain, but

He was stronger as a human.
(don't need a comma there)

<"Are you sure you got her orders right, Shampoo? This is all
so...sudden,"> said Mousse, in their native Chinese Mandarin. She had
told him the story as far as she knew it quite quickly before forcing
him to get dressed and assist her.

MOUSSE: Not necessarily in that order?

SHAMPS: You wish.

With a few small changes to the
story, that she had deemed necessary.

Again, I'd lose the comma.

"You. Shampoo have question. You know Gosunkugi?" She felt the strain

She wouldn't know him. No one does. :)

"Yeah, of course we know Ranma. He's in my class." Shampoo practically
purred.

Since the line of dialog isn't Shamps', her action would be better moved
into the next paragraph which does have her dialog. Look for this sort
of thing elsewhere.

"N-no! It's nothing like that. But there was a boy involved, here. A
dangerous boy. We need to find him, before he causes anymore trouble,

any more

"Hey! I'm sorry, but you can't come in right now," Said the man, who

said

"Hey, Ukyo? Ukyo!" said a voice as it started to pass her, then
stopped upon recognition. A tall boy, handsome and with short curly
brown hair stopped and looked at her, then Ryoga.

"Daisuke?" she asked, recognizing the boy from her class, but unsure
of his name.

Generally, the one you described is Hiroshi; Daisuke is the other one. I
don't think the names are canon, but you're likely to confuse some
readers.

"She wanted his home address, I assume she went there...look, I know
it's probably none of my business, but...what's going on here Ukyo?"

here, Ukyo?"

And yet, a small spark of his mind was fighting him. Well, not so much
fighting, but its passivity, its curiosity was starting to get to him.
It dared to ask, in a small, confused voice, what he was doing. It
asked why. It questioned. Questioned Shampoo, questioned him,
questioned Amazon law, and wondered if really they should be doing
this. Of course Shampoo wouldn't lie to him, he tried to tell the
voice. She was Shampoo! She was...she was his love. His love was true,
and was above sneaky methods. Of course she was right. But still, the
spark nagged, and fought him with it's passivity.

its

Not too much to say on this part. Very nice job on some of the
Ukyo/Ryoga scenes; good use of strong conflicting emotions.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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